The ego’s thoughts in general, and judgments in particular, aren’t necessarily useful to share with others. Honesty is not the best policy, if that honesty comes from the ego. In addition to judgments, the ego is full of opinions, complaints, and halftruths, and sharing these with others can only bring them into the egoic state of consciousness. And often, what the ego thinks is just plain hurtful. Most people are conditioned to believe that being honest is necessary and good for relationships when, in fact, it’s often very detrimental. If being truthful means expressing the ego’s truth, then it’s better to not be truthful or to just keep quiet. The ego’s truth is not the truth, and speaking it just keeps us identified with the ego and drags others into ego identification.
For instance, sharing what you don’t like about your partner is just hurtful and doesn’t serve. What’s the point in telling your partner you don’t like the way he or she smiles, or the way he or she dresses, or the way he or she drives, or the way he or she talks to the dog? It only creates tension between you. Sharing such information is generally an attempt, although an ineffective one, to change the other person to fit your preferences. If something you say will result in contraction or negative feelings in the other person rather than love, then it’s better to not say it—even if it’s true to you. Choose love rather than the ego’s truth. The ego chooses to speak its truth instead of being loving because doing so gives it a feeling of being right. But being right doesn’t actually feel good, certainly not like love feels.
Even if your partner asks your opinion about how he or she looks, it never serves to be honest if you don’t like something, especially if it isn’t something that can be changed. It’s one thing to say, “I like that dress better than the other one,” and quite another to say, “I think you look a little fat in that.” One expresses a preference about a dress, and the other expresses an opinion about the person’s body, which can’t easily be changed. Perhaps she says, “Do you think I’ve gained a little weight?” Even if you think she has, find a way to make her feel good instead of agreeing with her—for example, “You’re as beautiful as ever!” Or if she says, “Are you mad at me?” you might say, “No, I’m mad about you.” It feels good to say something nice, and the other person will appreciate your sweetness. You will have brought her into Essence and out of her critical mind. What a gift!
When the ego speaks, it results in contraction, bad feelings, and possibly tension and conflict in the relationship. When Essence speaks, on the other hand, people feel good, they relax, they feel love, and they give love. Paradise is restored! When Essence speaks, it expresses appreciation, approval, acceptance, compassion, patience, and love: “Take as much time as you want,” “I love how you do that,” “It’s fine just the way it is,” “It’s not that easy to do,” “You’re so sweet.” Essence compliments and uplifts rather than judges. This is the difference between heaven and hell on earth and in relationships.
Love is much more important than honesty. Honesty doesn’t serve relationships when it creates contraction and tension. When contraction and tension are present, you can be sure that the ego’s truth and not Essence’s is being spoken. Let the results of your words be what determines whether you speak them or not. Speak only what brings harmony and love to the relationship and forgo what the ego has to say. That’s a much better policy than honesty.
From Loving in the Moment