“When it comes to the fundamental issues that humanity faces, I think that solutions involve shifting consciousness towards cooperation.”
—Jeremy Gilley
Habit #5: Building Powerful Relationships with Other Influencers
Watch the documentary Peace One Day.
It is about Jeremy Gilley’s journey to create Peace Day—a day of global ceasefire on September 21 each year.
At first, Gilley does not believe he will succeed. His goal is simply to build a compelling story of how apathetic the world has become.
He starts speaking with U.N. officials to see if there is support for the notion. He then talks to Sir Kieran Prendergast, the then Under-Secretary-General for political affairs at the United Nations, to find out what would be required for the process.
The answer: support of many influential leaders. With the support of key people in the United Nations, Gilley moves on to talk with leaders in war-torn regions of Africa, travelling through Nairobi.
Gilley has a plan in place but then again he doesn’t. Like most great endeavors, Gilley feels his way into the next situation, planning the next steps based on what happened at the last encounter.
As I watch the documentary I recall the words of an early mentor of mine. “You have to push the rope in the middle, Teresa.”
“Seriously?” I’m in disbelief. “What fool would push on a rope?”
“Push the rope in the middle and run like hell,” he repeats. “The ends of the rope will always follow.”
Suddenly it makes sense.
An image forms in my mind of what he’s saying. Find the people who agree with you. Forget the opponents. Just gather those who want to help and move forward powerfully. The rest will eventually be pulled along for the ride.
The highly influential know there is no gold in trying to convince the naysayers. Gather supporters and run like hell towards your goal. It starts with strong relationships.
The highly influential know there is no gold
in trying to convince the naysayers.
Gather supporters and run like hell towards your goal.
It starts with strong relationships.
Habit #5: Influential people assertively seek out and build relationships with other influential people who they respect and admire, regardless of the area of influence that they hold.
Relationship Capital
In business we often speak about physical capital and intellectual capital. An often-unseen asset is your relationships—I like to call this relationship capital. Influential relationships can mean millions in profit or positive results of any kind.
Influencers understand the notion of relationship capital to their core. There are two key aspects:
1. Influencers are clear with their boundaries; and
2. Influencers use tough conversations to build stronger, more intimate relationships with colleagues.
Yes, I actually said the word “intimate” in a business book. Try not to cringe and bear with me. I’m not referring to physical intimacy, but the emotional intimacy that comes from truly getting to know and learning to admire someone.
Think about what you assume when you receive feedback from someone influential. If they tell you your product is not ready to endorse or give you feedback about needing to learn certain skills and call them later, don’t assume they’re dismissing you. They may be investing in you.
A common mistake is thinking the feedback an influencer gives you stems from a place of arrogance or dismissiveness. They may simply be telling you the specific skills or tactics you are missing to become better at the game—or more importantly what they need to invest in a relationship with you. Consider paying close attention. There’s gold in that feedback.
A key aspect of building strong relationships is that influencers are clear with their boundaries. Because influencers routinely help each other, they take a great deal of risk in relationship building. Endorse the wrong person or product and their influence can plummet. The highly influential are therefore masters at the tough conversations.
When you watch Gilley’s documentary, you’ll notice that some of his best, most powerful moments come out of difficult conversations and awkward moments. A true leader’s power comes from what they make of the breakdowns and difficult moments.
Intimacy is not a word that’s often used in business. And it’s appropriate to think about because there are people in business with whom you want a deep relationship. Tough conversations, where you share what’s really happening and your true communication needs, are your opening to intimacy. Deep relationships lie on the other side of tough conversations. Influencers often have people who would crawl through broken glass for them, because of their willingness to have tough conversations.
Pop Quiz
Someone whose work relationship you value gives you feedback about how to better address his or her needs. You:
a) Add it to the pile of feedback you’ll act on later if enough people complain,
b) Are annoyed and start thinking about where they’re not meeting your expectations,
c) Jump for joy that someone is investing in a deeper relationship with you.
If you chose (c), you’re on the right track.
Unspoken Rule #6
Building on the ideas in the last chapter, one of the major keys is that influencers who respect each other routinely offer opportunities for more influence. It’s considered an integral part of the Influence Game in the same way that passing the ball is critical in football or basketball. It’s a courtesy to their colleagues and they seldom have to shamelessly self-promote.
Influencers want to see that you know how to behave appropriately before they’ll make connections for you. They want to know you will pass the ball before they invite you into the game. If you’re not celebrating other influencers, people in the Influence Game are going to look at you as someone who’s new and unskilled.
The following sections outline common tactics used in building relationships with influential people.
Celebrate other influencers and freely spend your influence currency on those you respect.
Exercise 13: Gifting Influence
From the inventory of influencers you started in Exercise 11, add a column and start making notes with each person of all the ways that you could gift influence to them:
a) For each person on your list, consider who you already know that’s influential that the person on your list would want to know. They may hold influence in an area that’s different from the one in which you’re trying to grow influence. Don’t worry about that. Influence is influence and influential people like to meet influential people, regardless of their field. Continue to add to your list of influential people.
b) Once you have your list in hand, ask the following questions:
Introduce, Introduce, Introduce
What highly influential people understand is that introducing people, putting yourself in the role of connecting others, becomes massive relationship currency for you. Such currency is one of the most valuable assets for your business.
Consider that introducing people is making you money because you’re building a huge asset. Move outside your comfort zone and practice connecting people. It will pay off in spades when you adopt this attitude.
Exercise 14: Create your quarterly action plan in an hour a week
Here is a plan of action that will assist you in spending your relationship currency wisely. Block the following times on your calendar so you will do them regularly.
Weekly—1 hour
Quarterly—5 minutes
Email etiquette: Introduce yourself as a colleague and invite them to connect with you so that you can explore ways to collaborate. If they ask you to elaborate, simply say, “I’m a colleague in your field and I’m always interested in meeting new colleagues to see if there are ways we can help each other.” If true, you can add “I may know people (event hosts, media) who would be good connections for you.”
Most influencers will recognize that as a great opportunity to build more influence. Many will be happy to connect as long as you’re respectful of their time. If it feels appropriate to take it beyond an email, a quick phone call, rather than a coffee or lunch date, is what you want to suggest at this point. These influencers now become people to add to your list and can be introduced to other influencers. If their level of influence is significantly greater than yours, however, I do not recommend any request that takes their time.
I recommend you ingrain these habits because they are some of the most important that you want to carry forward as you play the Influence Game.
Build Relationships Across Disciplines
An opportunity you may miss is to gain support from influencers you already know, simply because the influencers are in a different discipline. It’s important to realize that you can gift influence into other topic areas, simply by the fact that you yourself are known, liked and trusted. Someone influential in health who recommends an amazing business expert, for instance, is still influential.
Unspoken Rule #7
Influence can be gifted to influencers in other topic areas.
Attending Events—Influential Networking
Attending live networking functions is something everyone does. I want to focus on it because it’s the place most people struggle in the Influence Game, especially introverts. If you’re playing the Influence Game well, in the Pop Quiz to the right, you would have chosen (c), because attending events, both online and offline, is a great opportunity to meet influencers. If you chose (b), you’re playing the referral marketing game, which is a different game with a different set of rules.
Pop Quiz
Pick which best describes you.
At a networking function, how many introductions are you likely to make?
a) None, they’re big kids, they can introduce themselves.
b) You might introduce the few people you know, if you can remember their names.
c) You are a total wildfire—you’ll introduce people you don’t even know if they look lost.
Now let’s do that same pop quiz again. You’re at the same networking function, but now you’re going to earn $1,000 for every introduction of two people you make at the event. How many introductions are you going to make?
At a live event, the influencers include the host and the guest of honor. There may also be other influencers in the room and you can listen for the host or the guest of honor to identify them. Listen for the kinds of words that would convey influence: speaker, trainer, radio host, leader of a large organization, committee or conference chairperson. Any time they’re speaking of someone in the room who speaks to a broader audience, they’re pointing directly to the key influencers.
Pop Quiz
You go to live events to:
a) Let loose and have a fun time,
b) Pitch yourself or your business to the people in the room,
c) Meet the influencers in the room and build relationships with them.
If you’re attending a teleseminar or a group coaching call, the host and their key guests are the most influential people.
The host of an event is always one of the most influential people in the room. They’ve brought all the other influencers together. Your relationship with the host is foundational.
Make sure that you:
Unspoken Rule #8
Be a good guest. Assist the host and key guests in the room in creating a great event.
Endorsing and acknowledging the host and key guests is another way to be gracious. You can endorse them while speaking to people before the event in the lobby, or you can casually endorse them while asking questions, as long as you keep it simple and don’t overdo it.
Here’s a sample script for how to endorse a speaker while asking a question: “I’ve been a huge fan of your work for so long. Thank you for coming and here’s my question’...”
Offering value adds to the event can be another great way to support the host; just make sure you’re honest and open about the win-win aspects of this type of offer. If you’re offering your product in the room as a raffle or a free giveaway, the host will see that you are promoting your work. You want to have a really authentic conversation with the host beforehand to ensure this is okay. Springing it on the host last minute can cause embarrassment and disruption.
Here’s a sample script for offering a giveaway at someone’s event: “It would really help me out if you would raffle off or give away some of my products. Is that something that would support your objectives, too?”
When you become a connector at the event, you offer real value. In the pop quiz about receiving $1,000 for each introduction you made between people at the function, how many would you make?
Option (c), “you are a total wildfire—you’ll introduce people you don’t even know if they look lost,” is the one that’s really going to support the host and support the other people in the room. If you help the host make everyone feel comfortable and make connections, it will increase your influence level in the room.
A key aspect of successfully making connections is to remember people’s passions and interests. After you’ve met a few people you may think, “Hey, that woman I met 20 minutes ago would be a great connection for this guy I’m speaking to.” You can actually walk across the room and introduce them to each other.
When you make sure people are introduced, it helps everyone have a great time and reduces the fear level in the room. For those guests who are nervous about not knowing anyone, you get to play the role of savior. They start to know, like and trust you.
A point that’s often overlooked is that introducing people creates greater influence within the room as a whole. The more people in the room meet one other, the more successful the event will be because everyone will leave saying, “Wow, what a great event! You won’t believe how many amazing people I met.”
When you generate that, your influence level increases significantly. You have been the life of the party at a highly successful event. People notice and remember you. They start paying attention to your work, they start trusting you when you endorse and recommend others. Their trust starts to become your influence currency.
Last, but certainly not least, it also increases the host’s influence. Because you’ve helped the host create a great event that everybody’s talking about, you’ve helped that host with their own influence level. They’re going to remember you and know, like and trust you for that reason. Your relationship with an influential event host is initiated.
Help the host achieve his/her goals. Another key point for engaging people at events is to figure out what the host or key guests want to accomplish from the event and help them achieve it. They might be hosting the event to attract more clients or more members for an organization. Maybe they’re hosting the event to create more influence or connections, or maybe the event is focused on increasing learning and they’re building a learning community around them. Think about endorsing them openly or walking their key prospects over to them so that they can meet.
Making Introductions Between People You Have Just Met:
Introducing two people you have never met before might seem really uncomfortable. In fact, when you master how to make powerful introductions, it’s like riding a bike. Let’s say you’ve just met Raj and Kathleen walks up. You’ve never met either of them before, but they’re both wearing nametags. Here’s what you do:
1. Ask them if they’ve met. Give your best winning smile and you say, “Raj, have you met Kathleen?”
2. Acknowledge the humor of the situation. You’re introducing two people you don’t know. That’s a bit whimsical. You can even try being a touch ridiculous because they both know that you only just met them, so you can say, “Oh, wow, you two really have to meet!” They’ll know you’re being funny, because they have not known you for more than two minutes. Or you can add with a smile, “I have no idea why. But I’m just sure it’s true!”
3. They’ll either take over at this point, knowing that you don’t know them and they’ll introduce themselves to each other, or
4. You can ask them questions about themselves to help them make the introduction. You can say, “Raj, tell us what you do?” Then you turn to Kathleen and ask her the same question, “Kathleen, what was it you said you did?” or
5. If you want, you can even be a little goofy to break the ice. You can say, “Oh, Kathleen, you’re a brain surgeon, aren’t you?” She’ll laugh and tell you what she really does for a living. In fact, the brain surgery will become a joke that they can use throughout the event. It’s going to release the tension, everybody is going to have a
happier time and they’re going to be grateful to you for creating the energy of that.
When you’re endorsing a host, you want to be authentic. Talking too long can be damaging. Say something genuine and appropriate but don’t go on for more than 30 or 40 seconds. A decent endorsement is one or two sentences long. “Here are the key benefits, here are the results I’ve gotten and here’s what it’s meant in my life.”
Any time you’re endorsing someone, the more results-oriented you can make the endorsement, the better. “Before I joined your group, I really didn’t have any connections in this field. Now I have hundreds of connections and attract dozens of referrals every month, it’s actually increased my business by $50,000 a year.” The more you can make it specific and measurable, the more beneficial it is.
A decent endorsement is one or two sentences long.
“Here are the key benefits, here are the results
I’ve gotten and here’s what it’s meant in my life.”
Endorse only when appropriate. If a speaker on stage is selling their products, don’t interrupt them when they are in the middle of trying to achieve their goal. Others may think the endorsement was a plant in the room and it may damage the speaker. If you want to endorse them and the opportunity does arise to ask a question, ask and then add something like, “By the way, I’ve done your program and it’s been amazing for me; thank you so much.” Or wait and endorse them afterwards when you are near the people at the back of the room who are thinking about making a purchase. Timing is everything. Brevity is important.
If you really want to solidify the relationship with the host or the keynote speaker, record your endorsement on video and let them post it on their Facebook page or their website. They will be grateful and remember you. It’s a great way to solidify your relationship with the key influencers in the room.
Timing is everything.
Brevity is important.
One common mistake I see people make when they’re at live events is forgetting that the host or the key influencers in the room are living, breathing human beings. The host has a great deal coming at them, so be compassionate. They’re managing multiple details to put on this event, so don’t overlook the fact that they might be a little stressed out. They might forget your name, or need a glass of water, or need someone to help them turn on the lights or close the door if it’s too loud in the hallway. The more compassionate you are, the more you will be noticed and appreciated. Again these gestures aren’t a substitute for gifting influence, but when you do both, the host will remember you.
Most importantly, hosts can get overwhelmed with feedback, especially at the event. Instead of giving them feedback, help them solve the problems For example, you could say something like, “Oh, I notice one of your volunteers didn’t show up, do you want me to help with XYZ?” You will look like the gracious hero for having stepped in, and if that influencer knows what she’s doing, she will make you look like a rock star for doing it.