“Giving is not a strategy. It’s a way of life.”
—Bob Burg
Habit #6: Creating Cycles of Reciprocity
Something Robert Cialdini talks about a great deal in his work is the rule of reciprocity. When someone gives to us, we feel more inclined to give something back or to buy from them. Sales reps have been using aspects of this habit for centuries, giving free samples, or treating customers to food and so on.
When it comes to the Influence Game, this concept goes even deeper. Highly influential people create powerful cycles of reciprocity with other influencers they admire and want to be in a relationship with.
What Is A Cycle of Reciprocity?
Let’s start with talking about what a cycle of reciprocity is. This term was coined and defined by Shawne Duperon. It’s the natural cycle of give and take that happens in an extremely solid relationship; it’s like breathing in and out, there’s a natural back and forth to it, a lot like volleying a ball back and forth. In other words, when we converse back and forth, there’s a natural you speak/I speak, you give/I give, you listen/I listen that happens in a really powerful relationship. It’s not necessarily based on timing, but there’s generally a flow of energy back and forth.
The basic rule of reciprocity (Cialdini) is that the feeling of obligation to reciprocate will outweigh a person’s personal opinion of the giver. In other words, if they’ve done something for you, you will feel obligated to do something for them whether or not you like them. Cialdini notes that the principle of reciprocity, without relationship, can be used to manipulate and can kill relationships. A powerful cycle of reciprocity (Duperon), where true relationship building is occurring, goes far beyond feelings of obligation. Mutual respect and admiration build within the cycle. Obligation takes a back seat to generosity. Powerful relationships, then, are based on having a really powerful cycle of reciprocity. In short, influential people build powerful relationships through understanding and creating powerful cycles of reciprocity with other influencers.
Powerful relationships are based
on having a powerful cycle of reciprocity.
Deep relationships based on powerful cycles of reciprocity with other influencers are critical in the Influence Game. I recommend being intentional, focused and going deep in understanding this skill. To gain mastery, watch what works and what doesn’t.
If this is an area you struggle with and a skill you would like to acquire, Shawne Duperon is the master at teaching this. I suggest you check out some of her free resources at ShawneTV.com and, if you have the opportunity, attend one of her “Networking is for Neanderthals” workshops.
Notice that I’m gifting influence to another expert. That’s part of the cycle of reciprocity I hold with Shawne. Shawne has, in fact, become my best friend and is someone whose work I deeply admire. The cycle of reciprocity between us is so strong, I would literally crawl across broken glass for her. If I often quote her work in this book, it’s because I feel so strongly and so deeply in the integrity and value of her work, and I trust you’ll forgive me.
Unspoken Rules and Mistakes
Do the exercise on the next page before you read this section. Are you noticing a disconnect?
Most people would circle all the responses in either parts of this exercise. Here’s the challenge: you may find it strange when people you barely know ask you for significant favors. You haven’t had the time to know, like and trust them and at the same time they’re asking for something that requires trust. As a successful business owner or leader, you’re also programed to “get out there and ask!” Many business trainers might actually tell you to just be courageous and do those things I’ve listed in Part 1.
Big disconnect.
Pop Quiz
Are you strange around important people?
Which of the following do you find surprising and uncomfortable:
a) Your new neighbor asks to borrow your lawnmower within minutes of meeting;
b) Someone you just met at a networking function asks you to recommend them on social media;
c) Someone you just met asks you to connect him or her to your most important connection so they can ask them for something.
Now, which of the following do you believe:
a) Ask and ye shall receive;
b) If you don’t ask, you don’t get;
c) The early bird gets the worm.
The Premature Ask
Imagine what this might look like in your everyday life. You’ve just moved into your new house. The neighbor stops by and comments on how nice your lawn mower looks. He gives you his best winning grin and tells you how much he’s looking forward to borrowing it and your other yard tools. You look for an exit, but there isn’t one. You’re at your house. You tell him you’re busy and make a mental note to figure out how to block him from coming over in future.
It’s easy to understand when we’re talking about a lawn mower. Yet I’ve often seen people at events run up to the speaker and inundate them with, “Oh, my God, it’s such a miracle that I met you’... I’m so glad I met you... You’re the answer to all my prayers! I’m looking for an endorsement’... I’m writing a book’... I really want to meet this colleague of yours’... and you’re the answer to what I need. I’m hoping that I can buy you a coffee and you can give me an hour of free coaching for the price of a Starbucks so you can solve all my problems.”
Now, I’m paraphrasing and exaggerating for the purpose of making a point, but this is tragically common. I, too, have made this mistake more than once.
Before you move forward, just forgive yourself already. You were just following your natural programming and all the training you’ve had to get out there and ask. Nothing you’ve done is wrong. There is simply a more effective way.
Human nature would have us excited and nervous when we meet someone who’s important. It takes self-awareness and practice to re-wire this tendency.
A lot of people act like they’re on Beat the Clock and they have to rush up there and make their ask because the influencer’s only there for one day, and “if I don’t blurt out my ask quick enough, I’m going to miss my opportunity.”
Consider a different way of thinking. Yes, I want you to run up and meet the speaker. But do it to create a relationship with them. Offer them something that builds relationship. When you’re playing Beat the Clock, make your dominant thought “I can take this opportunity to build this relationship.” Suddenly you’re no longer under a time crunch because now you’re in conversation with this person. You’ve done something nice for them.
You always want to start with an offer of support. Never start with a request. This allows you to nurture and grow trust in the relationship. Don’t ask until the influencer makes an offer. You know they’re ready when they offer something back.
You might need to offer many times before the reciprocal offer comes back.
The more important a connection is to you, the more likely you are to feel the desperate need to blurt out your ask for support without taking any time to let them know, like or trust you. When starting work on the documentary movie Your Second Fifty, Frank Moffatt received literally thousands of requests from people he’d just met to be in the movie. At the same time, he had a handful of influential people call and offer support in promoting the movie or connections to possible funding sources. Which of these do you think gained his attention more rapidly?
It’s really that simple. Stop selling yourself. When you invest in relationships with influencers you authentically admire, you invest in your own credibility.
Stop selling yourself.
When you invest in relationships
with influencers you authentically admire,
you invest in your own credibility.
Before you move to the next section, I suggest ordering Bob Burg and John David Mann’s book The Go-Giver 18. It’s one of the best books you’ll ever read. Once you have, you’ll never make a premature ask again.
Unspoken Rule #9
Don’t ask until the influencer makes an offer.
When to Move On
What if you’ve been working to build a relationship with an influencer and they don’t ever offer something back? This brings us to the next unspoken rule.
If the influencers don’t offer back, then one of two things are at play. The first possibility is that the relationship may not be a fit. You’re dealing in different spheres, or your styles or goals are too different. Simply move on.
The second possibility is that the relationship may not be a fit at this time. The influencer may be too busy or the timing may not be right. Maybe their mother just died. Possibly your levels of influence are too far apart. Someone who’s significantly higher in influence than you may want more evidence that you can play the game effectively before they invest in a relationship with you.
It’s a human condition to have trouble hearing “no”, especially from an influencer. Whatever their reason, there’s power in accepting the word no.
One of the worst mistakes you can make is to create a big story around the “no” in making it mean something. Maybe you think it means they’re arrogant. Or it means you’ve lost your big shot. It may mean very little. Consider that accepting the “no” graciously solidifies the possibility for later.
Be gracious and understand the power in taking “no” for an answer. Gracefully accepting a “no” is a position of self-confidence and power. There are many other influencers out there who are a fit for you; you just have to look. Accepting a “no” increases the likelihood of that influencer helping you connect with the influencers who are a fit.
Unspoken Rule #10
If the influential person you are building a relationship with does not offer back, one of two things is happening
a) they are not a fit and you can move on; or
b) your levels of influence are so different, you need more investment first.
Understanding the Value of Time
Disrespecting an influencer’s time stops the cycle of reciprocity. Whatever you ask, make it easy and time-efficient. Every influential person has people asking them for testimonials. If you want a testimonial from an influencer, pre-write an example and send it to them.
Now, it may sound arrogant to you, but it’s far better to risk sounding arrogant than to ask too much of the influencer’s time. The influencer is perfectly free to tweak or change the testimonial that you’ve written, but if they’ve got something to react and respond to, it’s going to make it a lot easier for them. It turns what would be a 10-minute task into a one-minute task, which they’re far more likely to be okay with. You might even be pleasantly surprised. They may send back the testimonial exactly as you’ve written and say, “Great,” or they might write something even better. Go ahead and pre-write the testimonial.
The big question here is: when do you get to the point where it’s okay for you to make asks of them, especially really time-consuming asks? I recommend you create a strong relationship with an influencer before you make a request like this.
For example, asking an influencer for advice on coaching is a big time drain. I recommend you create a strong relationship with an influencer before you make a request like this. If you’re asking for advice, make it something they can offer in a quick email or two-minute phone conversation.
Asking them to come speak for free is a time-consuming ask, especially if there’s nothing in it for the influencer. If you’re not creating a scenario where they can make money—such as being able to sell their courses or their products in the room—this is a huge time drain. It’s their time to commute to and from the event, plus the time at the event and there’s usually a certain amount of preparation before and follow-up afterwards, because people are contacting and emailing them.
To make this kind of ask, you want to be in a deep relationship with the influencer. The exception to this might be when you are supporting a really big cause they care about—asking someone to speak for a charity that’s very near and dear to their heart, for example. Otherwise, this kind of ask is likely to put off the influencer.
Unspoken Rule #11
Time is our most valuable asset.
Putting Someone’s Influence at Risk’...
There are a few ways you can put an influential person’s influence at risk.
1. Asking for endorsement of low quality work
If you’re asking for an endorsement on a book or an event, make sure that it’s been well reviewed, you’ve had quality feedback, and quality work has been produced. You are asking an influencer to put their name to that, and it’s a risky proposition. Your failure becomes their failure. Be careful and don’t overreach, because not only will you significantly damage your relationship with that influencer, but also your relationship with any other influencer who may be witnessing.
2. Asking for something before you’re ready
I’m all for standing in your power and confidence, but asking an influencer to recommend you to speak on a stage to 500 people when you’ve never even spoken on a stage to 20 people is not a good idea. This is a totally new experience for you for which you’re not trained. You could easily make the person who recommended you look bad. Prepare yourself and earn the right to be on that stage of 500 before asking.
A little bit of stretch is encouraged, as long as you’re clear with the influencer that it is a little bit of stretch. Make your asks in a reasonable progression.
3. Asking them to help promote or to speak at a poorly-run event
If an influencer offers to help promote or speak at your event, they are staking their reputation on your success. When the host starts half an hour late, is sloppy on stage, the sound system doesn’t work, they’re lackadaisical about people’s time and the event ends an hour late, this makes the influencer look bad. Being disrespectful of people’s time is the number one issue that annoys audiences. Like many speakers, I learned this one the hard way in the early part of my speaking career.
If you’re asking influencers to help promote you, the responsibility is on you to make sure you’re putting on a high-quality event. Your failure reflects negatively on them and you.
Unspoken Rule #12
Never put someone’s influence at risk in any way.