19. Too much Stuff
“We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.” – Carl Sagan
You can find flea markets, yard, estate and garage sales, just about everywhere on every weekend of the year. Many people can’t get enough of them. You can find some great bargains, saving a great deal of cash so you can afford to go to the next one. In today’s world with the economy the way it is, taking advantage of rebates, discounts and coupons is not an option. It’s a necessity. Len told me a story about two people who visited venues that sold art, doing that for decades. When they saw something they liked they bought and took it home. The artist may have been unknown but that didn’t stop them. They had one restriction: it had to fit on the bus or in a taxi. Eventually, their collection was valued in the millions. I’m not sure how the fortune affected them. Eventually they donated much of the art to galleries and museums.
Over the years there have been inventions of which you may not know. As a public service announcement here are some of them.
Yellow glasses: Especially recommended for those experiencing depression, these make the world look sunny. On bright days it induces the user to want to buy a lottery ticket.
Glasses and nose: This device, which also includes a mustache, is a vast improvement over its predecessor. Using it should convince friends that you left town, just as you said you’d do. It comes with either a Hitler mustache or one that makes you look like Ho Chi Minh.
The invisible thing: Using this liquid will result in you not being seen by anyone. This is great for parties, business meetings you’re not invited to and family reunions if you’re a cousin once removed. This fulfills the wish of those who wish to be a fly on the wall.
Traveling VCR: While on vacation, you can record TV programs with this device for your car. The larger screen for viewing is in the back seat, with a smaller monitor for the driver on the dashboard. There’s no sense in only passengers watching the offerings. Reasonable life and health coverage is also available as is the DVD recorder.
Sport coat: This is the properly named real thing. Lined with waterproof canals, it holds a growler worth of beer. New technology assures that the liquid doesn’t go flat for hours. It’s recommended for football games as no odor arouses the checking guards at the stadium – except if filled with Bud. Access to the beer is near the top of the coat, which can be used for basketball, hockey and baseball and rarely needs cleaning.
Buffet coat: Designed by the makers of the sport coat above, it features waterproof pockets for buffets featuring a host of items. It works well for salads and entrees.
Combination washer / dishwater: It can be used for washing dishes and clothes, although not together. The exception is if dishes and special towels are washed simultaneously, which results in both clean and dry dishes.
Cream cleaner: This product can be used as a dessert topping, shaving cream or all-purpose cleaner, available in vanilla or lemon. Other flavors are being developed.
Stroller / mower: You can walk the baby and this device also cuts the grass. Those doing the pushing have to wear steel-tipped boots. No collection bag is available yet.
Butter warmer: It’s five degrees below outside and a toasty 70° inside the house. Fortunately the refrigerator keeps the beer cold. Inside the appliance can be found a warmer for the butter so it can be easily spread without tearing the bread. They think of everything.
Wonder drug: Just recently developed, it cures every ailment. Coming in cherry and licorice flavors, all the minor bugs, such as side effects haven’t yet been eliminated.
Time machine kit: All the equipment you need to construct your own machine, including a transformer. It enables you to go back to the early 1900s. The option for traveling to the nineteenth century is being debugged.
Neutron bomb: This device annihilates people but preserves homes and commercial buildings with no harm done. Real estate agents especially appreciate it.
Vacuum rider: Not to be confused with the Traffic song, “Freedom rider”, you can sit while doing household cleaning. This device comes with a spill-proof cup holder.
Gas powered cleaner: You don’t need electricity to clean up crumbs in the kitchen, which runs on unleaded or premium unleaded. A gas mask is also included.
Beer after-shave: This liquid can’t be drunk, but is a cologne welcome at football games so the user fits in with the crowd. It’s not recommended for the office or shop.
Congress mask: This device is so lifelike that it can be used for those having affairs. Outsiders seeing those wearing them will assume it’s their senator and excuse the person, figuring he’s a good guy because he owns an oil well.
Special effects: People spending ten dollars for a ticket at the movies demand more and this offers it. A flick about an earthquake has that effect in the theater, as does another with fires, floods and drought. In the last instance, the theater experiences a dryness that accommodates such motion pictures as The English Patient, Lawrence of Arabia or The Flight of the Phoenix. The package comes with the ability to restore the place quickly so that the new flood of patrons can see the movie. There’s no package yet for John Wayne or Charleston Heston movies.
Butt warmer: You can wear it as a beret and then put in on your seat at the football game for you to sit on. It warms in two ways. It has an adjustable band so it can fit your head or your cheeks.
I hope you laughed at some of the above, but at least two exist or did exist at one time or another. I never had an electric flour sifter, but I had the manual one, which even that is unnecessary. There’s a common suggestion that if you have something that you haven’t used in five years, give it away, donate it or recycle it. You really don’t need it.
The comedian Steven Wright offered: You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? I figured if you had everything, you’d have a place for it. In response to the Wright thought, my friend offered that his mother-in-law had the answer. She’d put it in the attic. George Carlin added that the reason people move to bigger and bigger houses is because they ran out of room in the house they’re living in. Materialism does have its problems.
The right word for it is junk. In the tech world you see much of the same. There’s too much information, much of it unreliable. Some searches provide great results while others give you nothing but frustration, certainly not what you wanted. At times you enter a subject for a search and the result is a list of seven possibilities. Zeroing in for what looks like a possibility then lists eight more web sites. Is that the way the Internet is supposed to work?
I don’t appreciate all the fabrications on the Internet, especially the sites that are free. You’ll find one, but then be directed to another site where they ask for your credit card. What if these pieces of plastic were stolen? Maybe it was the thief who walked off with the manuals. This is especially true if you’re using genealogy web sites. Most of these want your dollars but either won’t give you the information you want or just too much stuff, which you have to peruse. I won’t list the biggest culprit but mention a site that lets you try it for free for a month, but you have to cancel after fourteen days and you’ve already entered your credit card number. You better not forget to cancel after two weeks. The monthly prices are $20, $35 and $45 for United States Discovery, World Explorer and World Explorer Plus. For $99, $149 and $199, you can get these same packages for six months, a savings of from $20 to $70.
I tried the site for a week and was soon convinced of their great technological scam. It’s a pathetic example of greed and too much stuff. I entered John for the name of my paternal grandfather, Swiatek for the surname, Buffalo for where he lived and his birth year, which was in the 1880s. Had I written the search routine for these four entries, there would have been a page or two of data would have been displayed. Instead I saw more than 40, many with birth dates indicating that I was born before my grandfather. The locations listed were in other states and some of the names almost resembled our family name. Apparently it was a general search, but John wasn’t in the service. This was done for many reasons, such as giving you a chance to find the ancestor in case any of the entries were misspelled or in case you had temporary amnesia. I can only recommend this site to people who have a lot of money, those in the 1%. Other similar sites aren’t much of an improvement. I suggest finding a free one. There are some.
I don’t have to tell you about free gifts or free shipping that greedy businesses provide. If you don’t know that nothing is free – except at my web site – that’s today’s lesson. Some of my books are for sale at these giant conglomerates, so I know about their disgusting practices. That last word is inaccurate since they have it down to a science.
Much of the stuff may not be free, but there’s too much of it in our homes. In my living room with the TV and stereo setups, I have over half a dozen remotes, including two for the VCR, each slightly different. There are also remotes for the TV, DVD player, adapter, CD recorder, receiver and CD player. Each has dozens of buttons and when a problem arises, you have to find the right one or combination to press to resolve the challenge. At times when I press the plus button for the volume, I see the word, muting on my screen. Once I turned the TV on with the adapter remote and played a DVD, but the volume was minimized for some reason. Turning the TV on with the TV remote instead of the adapter remote solved the volume problem. When you multiply the number of remotes by the number of buttons on each, it gives too many possibilities for failure. Good luck with figuring out glitches.
The tune, “Too much stuff” is found on the 1997 CD by Delbert McClinton, One Of The Fortunate Few. Joining him are Lyle Lovett and John Prine in a song that encompasses blues, country, rock, soul, funk and R & B.