ENTER PHANTASTE, PHILAUTIA, ARGURION, MORIA, AND CUPID.
PHA. I would this water would arrive once, our travelling friend so commended to us.
ARG. So would I, for he has left all us in travail with expectation of it.
PHA. Pray Jove, I never rise from this couch, if ever I thirsted more for a thing in my whole time of being a courtier.
PHI Nor I, I'll be sworn: the very mention of it sets my lips in a worse heat, than if he had sprinkled them with mercury. Reach me the glass, sirrah.
CUP. Here, lady.
MOR. They do not peel, sweet charge, do they?
PHI. Yes, a little, guardian.
MOR. O, 'tis an eminent good sign. Ever when my lips do so, I am sure to have some delicious good drink or other approaching.
ARG. Marry, and this may be good for us ladies, for it seems 'tis far fet by their stay.
MOR. My palate for yours, dear Honour, it shall prove most elegant I warrant you. O, I do fancy this gear that's long a coming, with an unmeasurable strain.
PHA. Pray thee sit down, Philautia; that rebatu becomes thee singularly.
PHI. Is it not quaint?
PHA . Yes faith. Methinks, thy servant Hedon is nothing so obsequious to thee, as he was wont to be: I know not how, he is grown out of his garb a-late, he's warp'd.
MOR. In trueness, and so methinks too; he is much converted.PHI. Tut; let him be what he will, 'tis an animal I dream not of. This tire, methinks, makes me look very ingeniously, quick, and spirited; I should be some Laura, or some Delia, methinks.
MOR. As I am wise, fair Honours, that title she gave him, to be her Ambition, spoil'd him: before, he was the most propitious and observant young novice --
PHI. For Cupid's sake speak no more of him; would I might never dare to look in a mirror again, if I respect ever a marmoset of 'em all, otherwise than I would a feather, or my shuttle-cock, to make sport with now and then.
PHA. Come sit down: troth, and you be good beauties, let's run over them all now: Which is the properest man amongst them? I say, the traveller, Amorphus.PHI . O, fie on him, he looks like a Venetian trumpeter in the battle of Lepanto, in the gallery yonder; and speaks to the tune of a country lady that comes ever in the rearward or train of a fashion.
MOR. I should have judgment in a feature, sweet beauties.PHA. A body would think so, at these years.
MOR. And I prefer another now, far before him, a million at least.
PHA. Who might that be, guardian?
MOR. Marry, fair charge, Anaides.
PHA . Anaides! you talk'd of a tune, Philautia; there's one speaks in a key, like the opening of some justice's gate, or a postboy's horn, as if his voice feared an arrest for some ill words it should give, and were loth to come forth.
PHI. Ay, and he has a very imperfect face.PHA. Like a sea-monster, that were to ravish Andromeda from the rock.
PHI. His hands too great too, by at least a straw's breadth.
PHA. Nay, he has a worse fault than that too.
PHI. A long heel?
PHA . That were a fault in a lady, rather than him: no, they say he puts off the calves of his legs, with his stockings, every night.
PHI. Out upon him! Turn to another of the pictures, for love's sake. What says Argurion? Whom does she commend afore the rest?
MOR. Troth, I made the motion to her ladyship for one to-day, i'the presence, but it appear'd she was otherways furnished before: she would none.
PHA. Who was that Argurion?
MOR. Marry, the poor plain gentleman in the black there.
PHA. Who, Crites?
ARG. Ay, ay, he: a fellow that nobody so much as look'd upon, or regarded; and she would have had me done him particular grace.
PHA. That was a true trick of yourself, Moria, to persuade Argurion to affect the scholar.
ARG. Tut, but she shall be no chooser for me. In good faith, I like the citizen's son there, Asotus; methinks none of them all come near him.
PHA. Not Hedon?
ARG . Hedon! In troth no. Hedon's a pretty slight courtier, and he wears his clothes well, and sometimes in fashion; marry, his face is but indifferent, and he has no such excellent body. No, the other is a most delicate youth; a sweet face, a straight body, a well-proportion'd leg and foot, a white hand, a tender voice.
PHI. How now, Argurion!PHA. O, you should have let her alone, she was bestowing a copy of him upon us. Such a nose were enough to make me love a man, now.
PHI. And then his several colours he wears; wherein he flourisheth changeably, every day.
PHA. O, but his short hair, and his narrow eyes!
PHI. Why she doats more palpably upon him than ever his father did upon her.
PHA . Believe me, the young gentleman deserves it. If she could doat more, 'twere not amiss. He is an exceeding proper youth, and would have made a most neat barber surgeon, if he had been put to it in time.
PHI. Say you so? Methinks he looks like a tailor already.
ARG. Well ladies, jest on: the best of you both would be glad of such a servant.
MOR. Ay, I'll be sworn would they, though he be a little shame-faced.
PHA. Shame-faced, Moria! out upon him. Your shame-faced servant is your only gull.
MOR. Go to, beauties, make much of time, and place, and occasion, and opportunity, and favourites, and things that belong to them, for I'll ensure you they will all relinquish; they cannot endure above another year; I know it out of future experience; and therefore take exhibition, and warning: I was once a reveller myself, and though I speak it, as mine own trumpet, I was then esteem'd
--
MOR. Go to, they did somewhat; that's no matter now.
PHA . Nay, good Moria, be not angry. Put case, that we four now had the grant from Juno, to wish ourselves into what happy estate we could, what would you wish to be, Moria?
MOR . Who, I! let me see now. I would wish to be a wise woman, and know all the secrets of court, city, and country. I would know what were done behind the arras, what upon the stairs, what in the garden, what in the nymphs' chamber, what by barge, and what by coach. I would tell you which courtier were scabbed and which not; which lady had her own face to lie with her a-nights and which not; who put off their teeth with their clothes in court, who their hair, who their complexion; and in which box they put it. There should not a nymph, or a widow, be got with child in the verge, but I would guess, within one or two, who was the right father, and in what month it was gotten; with what words, and which way. I would tell you which madam loved a monsieur, which a player, which a page; who slept with her husband, who with her friend, who with her gentleman-usher, who with her horse-keeper, who with her monkey, and who with all; yes, and who jigg'd the cock too.
PHA. Fie, you'd tell all, Moria! If I should wish now, it should be to have your tongue out. But what says Philautia? Who should she be?PHI. Troth, the very same I am. Only I would wish myself a little more command and sovereignty; that all the court were subject to my absolute beck, and all things in it depending on my look; as if there were no other heaven but in my smile, nor other hell but in my frown; that I might send for any man I list, and have his head cut off when I have done with him, or made an eunuch if he denied me; and if I saw a better face than mine own, I might have my doctor to poison it.
What would you wish, Phantaste?PHA . Faith, I cannot readily tell you what: but methinks I should wish myself all manner of creatures. Now I would be an empress, and by and by a duchess; then a great lady of state, then one of your miscellany madams, then a waitingwoman, then your citizen's wife, then a coarse country gentlewoman, then a dairy-maid, then a shepherd's lass, then an empress again, or the queen of fairies: and thus I would prove the vicissitudes and whirl of pleasures about and again. As I were a shepherdess, I would be piped and sung to; as a dairywench, I would dance at maypoles, and make syllabubs; as a country gentlewoman, keep a good house, and come up to term to see motions; as a citizen's wife, to be troubled with a jealous husband, and put to my shifts; others' miseries should be my pleasures. As a waiting-woman, I would taste my lady's delights to her; as a miscellany madam, invent new tires, and go visit courtiers; as a great lady, lie a-bed, and have courtiers visit me; as a duchess, I would keep my state; and as an empress, I would do any thing. And, in all these shapes, I would ever be follow'd with the affections of all that see me. Marry, I myself would affect none; or if I did, it should not be heartily, but so as I might save myself in them still, and take pride in tormenting the poor wretches. Or, now I think on't, I would, for one year, wish myself one woman; but the richest, fairest, and delicatest in a kingdom, the very centre of wealth and beauty, wherein all lines of love should meet; and in that person I would prove all manner of suitors, of all humours, and of all complexions, and never have any two of a sort. I would see how love, by the power of his object, could work inwardly alike, in a choleric man and a sanguine, in a melancholic and a phlegmatic, in a fool and a wise man, in a clown and a courtier, in a valiant man and a coward; and how he could vary outward, by letting this gallant express himself in dumb gaze; another with sighing and rubbing his fingers; a third with play-ends and pitiful verses; a fourth, with stabbing himself, and drinking healths, or writing languishing letters in his blood; a fifth, in colour'd ribands and good clothes; with this lord to smile, and that lord to court, and the t'other lord to dote, and one lord to hang himself. And, then, I to have a book made of all this, which I would call the "Book of Humours," and every night read a little piece ere I slept, and laugh at it. -- Here comes Hedon.
ENTER HEDON, ANAIDES, AND MERCURY, WHO RETIRES WITH CUPID TO THE BACK OF THE STAGE, WHERE THEY CONVERSE TOGETHER.HED. Save you sweet and clear beauties! By the spirit that moves in me, you are all most pleasingly bestow'd, ladies. Only I can take it for no good omen, to find mine Honour so dejected.
PHI. You need not fear, sir; I did of purpose humble myself against your coming, to decline the pride of my Ambition.HED. Fair Honour, Ambition dares not stoop; but if it be your sweet pleasure, I shall lose that title, I will, as I am Hedon, apply myself to your bounties.
PHI. That were the next way to dis-title myself of honour. O, no, rather be still Ambitious, I pray you.
HED. I will be any thing that you please, whilst it pleaseth you to be yourself, lady. Sweet Phantaste, dear Moria, most beautiful Argurion --
ANA. Farewell, Hedon.
HED. Anaides, stay, whither go you?
ANA . 'Slight, what should I do here? an you engross them all for your own use, 'tis time for me to seek out.
HED. I engross them! Away, mischief; this is one of your extravagant jests now, because I began to salute them by their names.
HED. 'Sheart, take them all, man: what speak you to me of aiming or covetous?
ANA . Ay, say you so! nay, then, have at them: Ladies, here's one hath distinguish'd you by your names already: It shall only become me to ask how you do.
HED. Ods so, was this the design you travail'd with?PHA. Who answers the brazen head? it spoke to somebody.
ANA. Lady Wisdom, do you interpret for these puppets?
MOR. In truth, and sadness, honours, you are in great offence for this. Go to; the gentleman (I'll undertake with him) is a man of fair living, and able to maintain a lady in her two coaches a day, besides pages, monkeys, and paraquettoes, with such attendants as she shall think meet for her turn; and therefore there is more respect requirable, howso'er you seem to connive. Hark you, sir, let me discourse a syllable with you. I am to say to you, these ladies are not of that close and open behaviour as haply you may suspend; their carriage is well known to be such as it should be, both gentle and extraordinary. MER. O, here comes the other pair.
ENTER AMORPHUS AND ASOTUS.AMO . That was your father's love, the nymph Argurion. I would have you direct all your courtship thither; if you could but endear yourself to her affection, you were eternally engallanted.
ASO. In truth, sir! pray Phoebus I prove favoursome in her fair eyes.AMO. All divine mixture, and increase of beauty to this bright bevy of ladies; and to the male courtiers, compliment and courtesy.
HED. In the behalf of the males, I gratify you, Amorphus.
PHA. And I of the females.
AMO. Succinctly return'd. I do vail to both your thanks, and kiss them; but primarily to yours, most ingenious, acute, and polite lady.
PHI. Ods my life, how he does all-to-bequalify her! "ingenious, acute", and "polite!" as if there was not others in place as ingenious, acute, and polite as she.
HED Yes, but you must know, lady, he cannot speak out of a dictionary method.
PHA. Sit down, sweet Amorphus. When will this water come, think you?
AMO. It cannot now be long, fair lady.
CUP. Now observe, Mercury.
ASO. How, most ambiguous beauty! love you? that I will, by this handkerchief.
MER. 'Slid, he draws his oaths out of his pocket.
ARG. But will you be constant?
ASO. Constant, madam! I will not say for constantness; but by this purse, which I would be loth to swear by, unless it were embroidered, I protest, more than most fair lady, you are the only absolute, and unparallel'd creature, I do adore, and admire, and respect, and reverence in this court, corner of the world, or kingdom. Methinks you are melancholy.
ARG. Does your heart speak all this? ASO. Say you?MER. O, he is groping for another oath.
ASO . Now by this watch -- I marle how forward the day is -- I do unfeignedly avow myself -- 'slight, 'tis deeper than I took it, past five -- yours entirely addicted, madam.
ARG. I require no more, dearest Asotus; henceforth let me call you mine, and in remembrance of me, vouchsafe to wear this chain and this diamond.ASO. O lord, sweet lady!
CUP. There are new oaths for him. What! doth Hermes taste no alteration in all this?
MER. Yes, thou hast strook Argurion enamour'd on Asotus, methinks.
CUP. Alas, no; I am nobody, I; I can do nothing in this disguise.
MER. But thou hast not wounded any of the rest, Cupid.
CUP. Not yet; it is enough that I have begun so prosperously.
ARG. Nay, these are nothing to the gems I will hourly bestow upon thee; be but faithful and kind to me, and I will lade thee with my richest bounties: behold, here my bracelets from mine arms.
ASO. Not so, good lady, by this diamond.ARG. Take 'em, wear 'em; my jewels, chain of pearl pendants, all I have.
ASO. Nay then, by this pearl you make me a wanton.
CUP. Shall not she answer for this, to maintain him thus in swearing?
MER. O no, there is a way to wean him from this, the gentleman may be reclaim'd.
CUP. Ay, if you had the airing of his apparel, coz, I think.
ASO. Loving! 'twere pity an I should be living else, believe me. Save you, sir, save you, sweet lady, save you, monsieur Anaides, save you, dear madam.
ANA. Dost thou know him that saluted thee, Hedon? HED. No, some idle Fungoso, that hath got above the cupboard since yesterday.
ANA. 'Slud, I never saw him till this morning, and he salutes me as familiarly as if we had known together since the deluge, or the first year of Troy action.
AMO. A most right-handed and auspicious encounter. Confine yourself to your fortunes.
PHI. For sport's sake let's have some Riddles or Purposes, ho!
PHA. No, faith, your Prophecies are best, the t'other are stale.
PHI. Prophecies! we cannot all sit in at them; we shall make a confusion. No; what call'd you that we had in the forenoon?
PHA. Substantives, and adjectives, is it not, Hedon?
PHI. Ay that. Who begins?
PHA. I have thought; speak your adjectives, sirs.
PHI. But do not you change then.
PHA. Not I. Who says?
MOR. Odoriferous.
PHI. Popular.
ARG. Humble.
ANA. White-liver'd.
HED. Barbarous.
AMO. Pythagorical.
HED. Yours, signior.
ASO. What must I do, sir?
AMO. Give forth your adjective with the rest; as prosperous, good, fair, sweet, well --
HED. Anything that hath not been spoken. ASO. Yes, sir, well-spoken shall be mine.
PHA. What, have you all done?
ALL. Ay.
PHA. Then the substantive is Breeches. Why "odoriferous" breeches, guardian?
MOR . Odoriferous, -- because odoriferous: that which contains most variety of savour and smell we say is most odoriferous; now breeches, I presume, are incident to that variety, and therefore odoriferous breeches.
PHA. Well, we must take it howsoever. Who's next? Philautia?PHI. Popular.
PHA. Why "popular" breeches?
PHA . Marry, that is, when they are not content to be generally noted in court, but will press forth on common stages and brokers' stalls, to the public view of the world.
PHA. Good. Why "humble" breeches, Argurion?ARG. Humble! because they use to be sat upon; besides, if you tie them not up, their property is to fall down about your heels.
MER. She has worn the breeches, it seems, which have done so.
PHA. But why "white-liver'd?"
ANA . Why! are not their linings white? Besides, when they come in swaggering company, and will pocket up any thing, may they not properly be said to be white-liver'd?
PHA. O yes, we must not deny it. And why "barbarous," Hedon?HED. Barbarous! because commonly, when you have worn your breeches sufficiently, you give them to your barber.
AMO. That's good; but how "Pythagorical?"
PHI. Ay, Amorphus, why Pythagorical breeches? AMO. O most kindly of all; 'tis a conceit of that fortune, I am bold to hug my brain for.
PHA. How is it, exquisite Amorphus?AMO. O, I am rapt with it, 'tis so fit, so proper, so happy --
PHI. Nay, do not rack us thus.
AMO. I never truly relish'd myself before. Give me your ears. Breeches Pythagorical, by reason of their transmigration into several shapes.
MOR. Most rare, in sweet troth. Marry this young gentleman, for his well-spoken
--
PHA. Ay, why "well-spoken" breeches?
ASO. Well-spoken! Marry, well-spoken, because -- whatsoever they speak is well-taken; and whatsoever is well-taken is well-spoken.
MOR. Excellent! believe me.
ASO. Not so, ladies, neither.
HED. But why breeches, now?
PHA. Breeches, "quasi" bear-riches; when a gallant bears all his riches in his breeches.
AMO. Most fortunately etymologised.
PHA. 'Nay, we have another sport afore this, of A thing done, and who did it, etc.
PHI. Ay, good Phantaste, let's have that: distribute the places.
PHA. Why, I imagine, A thing done; Hedon thinks, who did it; Moria, with what it was done; Anaides, where it was done; Argurion, when it was done; Amorphus, for what cause was it done; you, Philautia, what followed upon the doing of it; and this gentleman, who would have done it better. What? is it conceived about?
ALL. Yes, yes.PHA. Then speak you, sir. "Who would have done it better?"
ASO. How! does it begin at me? PHA. Yes, sir: this play is called the Crab, it goes backward.