ENTER MERCURY AND CRITES.
MER. It is resolved on, Crites, you must do it.
CRI . The grace divinest Mercury hath done me, In this vouchsafed discovery of himself, Binds my observance in the utmost term Of satisfaction to his godly will:
Though I profess, without the affectation Of an enforced and form'd austerity,
I could be willing to enjoy no place
With so unequal natures.
MER . We believe it.
But for our sake, and to inflict just pains On their prodigious follies, aid us now:
No man is presently made bad with ill.
And good men, like the sea, should still maintain Their noble taste, in midst of all fresh humours That flow about them, to corrupt their streams, Bearing no season, much less salt of goodness. It is our purpose, Crites, to correct,
And punish, with our laughter, this night's sport, Which our court-dors so heartily intend: And by that worthy scorn, to make them know How far beneath the dignity of man
Their serious and most practised actions are.
CRI. Ay, but though Mercury can warrant out His undertakings, and make all things good, Out of the powers of his divinity,
Th' offence will be return'd with weight on me, That am a creature so despised and poor; When the whole court shall take itself abused By our ironical confederacy.
MER . You are deceived. The better race in court, That have the true nobility call'd virtue,
Will apprehend it, as a grateful right
Done to their separate merit; and approve The fit rebuke of so ridiculous heads,
Who, with their apish customs and forced garbs, Would bring the name of courtier in contempt, Did it not live unblemish'd in some few,
Whom equal Jove hath loved, and Phoebus form'd Of better metal, and in better mould.
CRI . Well, since my leader-on is Mercury, I shall not fear to follow. If I fall,
My proper virtue shall be my relief,
That follow'd such a cause, and such a chief.
SCENE II. -- ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.
ENTER ASOTUS AND AMORPHUS.
ASO. No more, if you love me, good master; you are incompatible to live withal: send me for the ladies!
AMO. Nay, but intend me.
ASO. Fear me not; I warrant you, sir.
AMO . Render not yourself a refractory on the sudden. I can allow, well, you should repute highly, heartily, and to the most, of your own endowments; it gives you forth to the world the more assured: but with reservation of an eye, to be always turn'd dutifully back upon your teacher.
ASO . Nay, good sir, leave it to me. Trust me with trussing all the points of this action, I pray. 'Slid, I hope we shall find wit to perform the science as well as another.
AMO . I confess you to be of an apted and docible humour. Yet there are certain punctilios, or (as I may more nakedly insinuate them) certain intrinsecate strokes and wards, to which your activity is not yet amounted, as your gentle dor in colours. For supposition, your mistress appears here in prize, ribanded with green and yellow; now, it is the part of every obsequious servant, to be sure to have daily about him copy and variety of colours, to be presently answerable to any hourly or half-hourly change in his mistress's revolution --
ASO. I know it, sir.AMO. Give leave, I pray you -- which, if your antagonist, or player against you, shall ignorantly be without, and yourself can produce, you give him the dor.
ASO . Ay, ay, sir. AMO. Or, if you can possess your opposite, that the green your mistress wears, is her rejoicing or exultation in his service; the yellow, suspicion of his truth, from her height of affection: and that he, greenly credulous, shall withdraw thus, in private, and from the abundance of his pocket (to displace her jealous conceit) steal into his hat the colour, whose blueness doth express trueness, she being not so, nor so affected; you give him the dor.
ASO. Do not I know it, sir?AMO. Nay, good -- swell not above your understanding. There is yet a third dor in colours.
ASO. I know it too, I know it.
AMO. Do you know it too? what is it? make good your knowledge.
ASO. Why it is -- no matter for that.
AMO. Do it, on pain of the dor.
ASO. Why; what is't, say you?
AMO . Lo, you have given yourself the dor. But I will remonstrate to you the third dor, which is not, as the two former dors, indicative, but deliberative: as how? as thus. Your rival is, with a dutiful and serious care, lying in his bed, meditating how to observe his mistress, dispatcheth his lacquey to the chamber early, to know what her colours are for the day, with purpose to apply his wear that day accordingly: you lay wait before, preoccupy the chamber-maid, corrupt her to return false colours; he follows the fallacy, comes out accoutred to his believed instructions; your mistress smiles, and you give him the dor.
ASO. Why, so I told you, sir, I knew it.AMO. Told me! It is a strange outrecuidance, your humour too much redoundeth.
ASO. Why, sir, what, do you think you know more?
AMO . I know that a cook may as soon and properly be said to smell well, as you to be wise. I know these are most clear and clean strokes. But then, you have your passages and imbrocatas in courtship; as the bitter bob in wit; the reverse in face or wry-mouth; and these more subtile and secure offenders. I will example unto you: Your opponent makes entry as you are engaged with your mistress.
You seeing him, close in her ear with this whisper, "Here comes your baboon, disgrace him"; and withal stepping off, fall on his bosom, and turning to her, politely, aloud say, Lady, regard this noble gentleman, a man rarely parted, second to none in this court; and then, stooping over his shoulder, your hand on his breast, your mouth on his backside, you give him the reverse stroke, with this sanna, or stork's-bill, which makes up your wit's bob most bitter.
ASO . Nay, for heaven's sake, teach me no more. I know all as well -- 'Slid, if I did not, why was I nominated? why did you choose me? why did the ladies prick out me? I am sure there were other gallants. But me of all the rest! By that light, and, as I am a courtier, would I might never stir, but 'tis strange. Would to the lord the ladies would come once!
ENTER MORPHIDES.MORP. Signior, the gallants and ladies are at hand. Are you ready, sir?
AMO. Instantly. Go, accomplish your attire: [EXIT ASOTUS.] Cousin Morphides, assist me to make good the door with your officious tyranny.
CITIZEN. [WITHIN.] By your leave, my masters there, pray you let's come by.
PAGES. [WITHIN.] You by! why should you come by more than we?
CITIZEN'S WIFE . [WITHIN.] Why, sir! because he is my brother that plays the prizes.
MORP. Your brother!
TAILOR. [WITHIN.] Why, what are you?
CITIZEN. [WITHIN.] I am her husband, sir.
TAILOR. [WITHIN.] Then thrust forward your head.
AMO. What tumult is there?
MORP. Who's there? bear back there! Stand from the door!
AMO. Enter none but the ladies and their hang-byes. --
ENTER PHANTASTE, PHILAUTIA, ARGURION, MORIA, HEDON, AND ANAIDES, INTRODUCING TWO LADIES.
Welcome beauties, and your kind shadows.
HED. This country lady, my friend, good signior Amorphus.
ANA. And my cockatrice here.
AMO. She is welcome.
THE CITIZEN, AND HIS WIFE, PAGES, ETC., APPEAR AT THE DOOR.
MORP. Knock those same pages there; and, goodman coxcomb the citizen, who would you speak withal?
WIFE. My brother.
AMO. With whom? your brother!
MORP. Who is your brother?
WIFE . Master Asotus. AMO. Master Asotus! is he your brother? he is taken up with great persons; he is not to know you to-night.
RE-ENTER ASOTUS HASTILY.ASO. O Jove, master! an there come e'er a citizen gentlewoman in my name, let her have entrance, I pray you: it is my sister.
WIFE. Brother!
CIT. [THRUSTING IN.] Brother, master Asotus!
ASO. Who's there?
WIFE. 'Tis I, brother.
ASO. Gods me, there she is! good master, intrude her.
MORP. Make place! bear back there!
ENTER CITIZEN'S WIFE.
AMO. Knock that simple fellow there.
WIFE. Nay, good sir, it is my husband.
MORP. The simpler fellow he. -- Away! back with your head, sir! [PUSHES THE CITIZEN BACK.]
ASO . Brother, you must pardon your non-entry: husbands are not allow'd here, in truth. I'll come home soon with my sister: pray you meet us with a lantern, brother. Be merry, sister: I shall make you laugh anon. [EXIT.]
PHA. Your prizer is not ready, Amorphus.AMO. Apprehend your places; he shall be soon, and at all points.
ANA. Is there any body come to answer him? shall we have any sport?
AMO. Sport of importance; howsoever, give me the gloves.
HED. Gloves! why gloves, signior?
PHI. What's the ceremony? AMO. [DISTRIBUTING GLOVES.] Beside their received fitness, at all prizes, they are here properly accommodate to the nuptials of my scholar's 'haviour to the lady Courtship. Please you apparel your hands. Madam Phantaste, madam Philautia, guardian, signior Hedon, signior Anaides, gentlemen all, ladies.
ALL. Thanks, good Amorphus.AMO. I will now call forth my provost, and present him. [EXIT.]
ANA. Heart! why should not we be masters as well as he?
HED. That's true, and play our masters' prizes as well as the t'other?
MOR. In sadness, for using your court-weapons, methinks you may.
PHA. Nay, but why should not we ladies play our prizes, I pray? I see no reason but we should take them down at their own weapons.
PHI. Troth, and so we may, if we handle them well.
WIFE. Ay, indeed, forsooth, madam, if 'twere in the city, we would think foul scorn but we would, forsooth.
PHA. Pray you, what should we call your name?
WIFE. My name is Downfall.
HED. Good mistress Downfall! I am sorry your husband could not get in.
WIFE. 'Tis no matter for him, sir.
ANA. No, no, she has the more liberty for herself.
[A FLOURISH.]
PHA. Peace, peace! they come.
RE-ENTER AMORPHUS, INTRODUCING ASOTUS IN A FULL-DRESS SUIT.
AMO . So, keep up your ruff; the tincture of your neck is not all so pure, but it will ask it. Maintain your sprig upright; your cloke on your half-shoulder falling; so: I will read your bill, advance it, and present you. -- Silence!
"Be it known to all that profess courtship, by these presents (from the white satin reveller, to the cloth of tissue and bodkin) that we, Ulysses-PolytropusAmorphus, master of the noble and subtile science of courtship, do give leave and licence to our provost, Acolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus, to play his master's prize, against all masters whatsoever, in this subtile mystery, at these four, the choice and most cunning weapons of court-compliment, viz. the BARE ACCOST; the BETTER REGARD; the SOLEMN ADDRESS; and the PERFECT CLOSE.
These are therefore to give notice to all comers, that he, the said AcolastusPolypragmon-Asotus, is here present (by the help of his mercer, tailor, milliner, sempster, and so forth) at his designed hour, in this fair gallery, the present day of this present month, to perform and do his uttermost for the achievement and bearing away of the prizes, which are these: viz. For the Bare Accost, two walleyes in a face forced: for the Better Regard, a face favourably simpering, with a fan waving: for the Solemn Address, two lips wagging, and never a wise word: for the Perfect Close, a wring by the hand, with a banquet in a corner. And Phoebus save Cynthia!"
Appeareth no man yet, to answer the prizer? no voice? -- Music, give them their summons.[MUSIC.]
PHA. The solemnity of this is excellent.
AMO. Silence! Well, I perceive your name is their terror, and keepeth them back.
ASO. I'faith, master, let's go; no body comes. 'Victus, victa, victum; victi, victae, victi -- let's be retrograde.
AMO. Stay. That were dispunct to the ladies. Rather ourself shall be your encounter. Take your state up to the wall; and, lady, [LEADING MORIA TO THE STATE.] may we implore you to stand forth, as first term or bound to our courtship.
HED. 'Fore heaven, 'twill shew rarely.AMO. Sound a charge. [A CHARGE.]
ANA. A pox on't! Your vulgar will count this fabulous and impudent now: by that candle, they'll never conceit it.
[THEY ACT THEIR ACCOST SEVERALLY TO MORIA.]
PHA. Excellent well! admirable!
PHI. Peace!
HED. Most fashionably, believe it. PHI. O, he is a well-spoken gentleman.
PHA. Now the other.
PHI. Very good.
HED. For a scholar, Honour.
ANA. O, 'tis too Dutch. He reels too much. [A FLOURISH.]
HED. This weapon is done.
AMO. No, we have our two bouts at every weapon; expect.
CRI. [WITHIN.] Where be these gallants, and their brave prizer here?
MORP. Who's there? bear back; keep the door.
ENTER CRITES, INTRODUCING MERCURY FANTASTICALLY DRESSED.
AMO. What are you, sir?
CRI. By your license, grand-master. -- Come forward, sir. [TO MERCURY.]
ANA . Heart! who let in that rag there amongst us? Put him out, an impecunious creature.
HED. Out with him.
AMO. You must be retrograde.
CRI. Soft, sir, I am truchman, and do flourish before this monsieur, or Frenchbehaved gentleman, here; who is drawn hither by report of your chartels, advanced in court, to prove his fortune with your prizer, so he may have fair play shewn him, and the liberty to choose his stickler.
AMO. Is he a master?CRI. That, sir, he has to shew here; and confirmed under the hands of the most skilful and cunning complimentaries alive: Please you read, sir. [GIVES HIM A CERTIFICATE.]
AMO. What shall we do?ANA. Death! disgrace this fellow in the black stuff, whatever you do. AMO. Why, but he comes with the stranger.
HED. That's no matter: he is our own countryman.
ANA. Ay, and he is a scholar besides. You may disgrace him here with authority.
AMO. Well, see these first.
ASO. Now shall I be observed by yon scholar, till I sweat again; I would to Jove it were over.
CRI. [TO MERCURY.] Sir, this is the wight of worth, that dares you to the encounter. A gentleman of so pleasing and ridiculous a carriage; as, even standing, carries meat in the mouth, you see; and, I assure you, although no bred courtling, yet a most particular man, of goodly havings, well-fashion'd 'haviour, and of as hardened and excellent a bark as the most naturally qualified amongst them, inform'd, reform'd, and transform'd, from his original citycism; by this elixir, or mere magazine of man. And, for your spectators, you behold them what they are: the most choice particulars in court: this tells tales well; this provides coaches; this repeats jests; this presents gifts; this holds up the arras; this takes down from horse; this protests by this light; this swears by that candle; this delighteth; this adoreth: yet all but three men. Then, for your ladies, the most proud, witty creatures, all things apprehending, nothing understanding, perpetually laughing, curious maintainers of fools, mercers, and minstrels, costly to be kept, miserably keeping, all disdaining but their painter and apothecary, 'twixt whom and them there is this reciprock commerce, their beauties maintain their painters, and their painters their beauties.
MER. Sir, you have plaid the painter yourself, and limn'd them to the life. I desire to deserve before them.AMO. [RETURNING THE CERTIFICATE.] This is authentic. We must resolve to entertain the monsieur, howsoever we neglect him.
HED. Come, let's all go together, and salute him.
ANA. Content, and not look on the other.
AMO. Well devised; and a most punishing disgrace.
HED. On.
AMO . Monsieur, we must not so much betray ourselves to discourtship, as to suffer you to be longer unsaluted: please you to use the state ordain'd for the opponent; in which nature, without envy, we receive you.
HED. And embrace you.
PHI. Believe it, he is a man of excellent silence.
PHA. He keeps all his wit for action.
ANA. This hath discountenanced our scholaris, most richly.
HED. Out of all emphasis. The monsieur sees we regard him not.
AMO. Hold on; make it known how bitter a thing it is not to be look'd on in court.
HED. 'Slud, will he call him to him yet! Does not monsieur perceive our disgrace?
ANA. Heart! he is a fool, I see. We have done ourselves wrong to grace him.
HED. 'Slight, what an ass was I to embrace him!
CRI. Illustrious and fearful judges --
HED. Turn away, turn away.
CRI. It is the suit of the strange opponent (to whom you ought not to turn your tails, and whose noses I must follow) that he may have the justice, before he encounter his respected adversary, to see some light stroke of his play, commenced with some other.
HED. Answer not him, but the stranger: we will not believe him.AMO. I will demand him, myself.
CRI. O dreadful disgrace, if a man were so foolish to feel it.
AMO. Is it your suit, monsieur, to see some prelude of my scholar? Now, sure the monsieur wants language --
HED. And take upon him to be one of the accomplished! 'Slight, that's a good jest; would we could take him with that nullity. -- "Non sapete voi parlar' Italiano?"
ANA. 'Sfoot, the carp has no tongue. CRI. Signior, in courtship, you are to bid your abettors forbear, and satisfy the monsieur's request.
AMO . Well, I will strike him more silent with admiration, and terrify his daring hither. He shall behold my own play with my scholar. Lady, with the touch of your white hand, let me reinstate you. [LEADS MORIA BACK TO THE STATE.]
Provost, [TO ASOTUS.] begin to me at the "Bare Accost". [A CHARGE.] Now, for the honour of my discipline.HED. Signior Amorphus, reflect, reflect; what means he by that mouthed wave?
CRI. He is in some distaste of your fellow disciple.
MER . Signior, your scholar might have played well still, if he could have kept his seat longer; I have enough of him, now. He is a mere piece of glass, I see through him by this time.
AMO. You come not to give us the scorn, monsieur?MER. Nor to be frighted with a face, signior. I have seen the lions. You must pardon me. I shall be loth to hazard a reputation with one that has not a reputation to lose.
AMO. How!CRI. Meaning your pupil, sir.
ANA. This is that black devil there.
AMO . You do offer a strange affront, monsieur. CRI. Sir, he shall yield you all the honour of a competent adversary, if you please to undertake him.
MER. I am prest for the encounter.AMO. Me! challenge me!
ASO. What, my master, sir! 'Slight, monsieur, meddle with me, do you hear: but do not meddle with my master.
MER. Peace, good squib, go out.
CRI. And stink, he bids you.
ASO. Master!
AMO . Silence! I do accept him. Sit you down and observe. Me! he never profest a thing at more charges. -- Prepare yourself sir. -- Challenge me! I will prosecute what disgrace my hatred can dictate to me.
CRI. How tender a traveller's spleen is! Comparison to men that deserve least, is ever most offensive.AMO. You are instructed in our chartel, and know our weapons?
MER. I appear not without their notice, sir.