ENTER FUNGOSO, FALLACE FOLLOWING HIM.
FAL. Why are you so melancholy, brother?
FUNG. I am not melancholy, I thank you, sister.
FAL. Why are you not merry then? there are but two of us in all the world, and if we should not be comforts one to another, God help us!
FUNG. Faith, I cannot tell, sister; but if a man had any true melancholy in him, it would make him melancholy to see his yeomanly father cut his neighbours' throats, to make his son a gentleman; and yet, when he has cut them, he will see his son's throat cut too, ere he make him a true gentleman indeed, before death cut his own throat. I must be the first head of our house, and yet he will not give me the head till I be made so. Is any man termed a gentleman, that is not always in the fashion? I would know but that.
FAL. If you be melancholy for that, brother, I think I have as much cause to be melancholy as any one: for I'll be sworn, I live as little in the fashion as any woman in London. By the faith of a gentlewoman, beast that I am to say it! I have not one friend in the world besides my husband. When saw you master Fastidious Brisk, brother?
FUNG. But a while since, sister, I think: I know not well in truth. By this hand I could fight with all my heart, methinks.FAL. Nay, good brother, be not resolute.
FUNG. I sent him a letter, and he writes me no answer neither.
FAL . Oh, sweet Fastidious Brisk! O fine courtier! thou are he makest me sigh, and say, how blessed is that woman that hath a courtier to her husband, and how miserable a dame she is, that hath neither husband, nor friend in the court! O sweet Fastidious! O fine courtier! How comely he bows him in his court'sy! how full he hits a woman between the lips when he kisses! how upright he sits at the table! how daintily he carves! how sweetly he talks, and tells news of this lord and of that lady! how cleanly he wipes his spoon at every spoonful of any whitemeat he eats! and what a neat case of pick-tooths he carries about him still! O sweet Fastidious! O fine courtier!
ENTER DELIRO AT A DISTANCE, WITH MUSICIANS.
MUSI. Fear not, signior Deliro.
DELI. O, begin, begin, some sprightly thing: lord, how my imagination labours with the success of it! [THEY STRIKE UP A LIVELY TUNE.] Well said, good i'faith! Heaven grant it please her. I'll not be seen, for then she'll be sure to dislike it.
FAL. Hey -- da! this is excellent! I'll lay my life this is my husband's dotage. I thought so; nay, never play bo-peep with me; I know you do nothing but study how to anger me, sir.
DELI. [COMING FORWARD.] Anger thee, sweet wife! why, didst thou not send for musicians at supper last night thyself?FAL. To supper, sir! now, come up to supper, I beseech you: as though there were no difference between supper-time, when folks should be merry, and this time when they should be melancholy. I would never take upon me to take a wife, if I had no more judgment to please her.
DELI . Be pleased, sweet wife, and they shall have done; and would to fate my life were done, if I can never please thee!
[EXEUNT MUSICIANS.
MACI. Save you lady; where is master Deliro?
DELI. Here, master Macilente: you are welcome from court, sir; no doubt you have been graced exceedingly of master Brisk's mistress, and the rest of the ladies for his sake.
MACI. Alas, the poor fantastic! he's scarce known To any lady there; and those that know him, Know him the simplest man of all they know: Deride, and play upon his amorous humours, Though he but apishly doth imitate
The gallant'st courtiers, kissing ladies' pumps, Holding the cloth for them, praising their wits, And servilely observing every one
May do them pleasure: fearful to be seen With any man, though he be ne'er so worthy, That's not in grace with some that are the greatest. Thus courtiers do, and these he counterfeits, But sets no such a sightly carriage
Upon their vanities, as they themselves;
And therefore they despise him: for indeed He's like the zany to a tumbler,
That tries tricks after him, to make men laugh.
FAL . Here's an unthankful spiteful wretch! the good gentleman vouchsafed to make him his companion, because my husband put him into a few rags, and now see how the unrude rascal backbites him! [ASIDE.
DELI. Is he no more graced amongst them then, say you?MACI. Faith, like a pawn at chess: fills up a room, that's all.
FAL. O monster of men! can the earth bear such an envious caitiff? [ASIDE.
DELI. Well, I repent me I ever credited him so much: but now I see what he is, and that his masking vizor is off, I'll forbear him no longer. All his lands are mortgaged to me, and forfeited; besides, I have bonds of his in my hand, for the receipt of now fifty pounds now a hundred, now two hundred; still, as he has had a fan but wagged at him, he would be in a new suit. Well, I'll salute him by a serjeant, the next time I see him i'faith, I'll suit him.
MACI. Why, you may soon see him sir, for he is to meet signior Puntarvolo at a notary's by the Exchange, presently; where he meant to take up, upon return.FAL. Now, out upon thee, Judas! canst thou not be content to backbite thy friend, but thou must betray him! Wilt thou seek the undoing of any man? and of such a man too? and will you, sir, get your living by the counsel of traitors?
DELI. Dear wife, have patience.FAL . The house will fall, the ground will open and swallow us: I'll not bide here for all the gold and silver in heaven.
[EXIT WITH FUNGOSO.
DELI. O, good Macilente, let's follow and appease her, or the peace of my life is at an end.
[EXIT.
MACI . Now pease, and not peace, feed that life, whose head hangs so heavily over a woman's manger!
[EXIT.
SCENE II. -- ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.
ENTER FALLACE AND FUNGOSO RUNNING; SHE CLAPS TO THE DOOR.
DELI. [WITHIN.] Nay, hear me, sweet wife; unless thou wilt have me go, I will not go.
FAL. Tut, you shall never have that vantage of me, to say, you are undone by me. I'll not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet brother, here's four angels, I'll give you towards your suit: for the love of gentry, and as ever you came of Christian creature, make haste to the water side, (you know where master Fastidious uses to land,) and give him warning of my husband's malicious intent; and tell him of that lean rascal's treachery. O heavens, how my flesh rises at him! Nay, sweet brother, make haste: you may say, I would have writ to him, but that the necessity of the time would not permit. He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me: and commend me to him, good brother; say, I sent you. [EXIT.
FUNG . Let me see, these four angels, and then forty shillings more I can borrow on my gown in Fetter Lane. -- Well, I will go presently, say on my suit, pay as much money as I have, and swear myself into credit with my tailor for the rest. [EXIT.
SCENE III. -- ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.
DELI. O, on my soul you wrong her, Macilente. Though she be froward, yet I know she is honest.
MACI. Well, then have I no judgment. Would any woman, but one that were wild in her affections, have broke out into that immodest and violent passion against her husband? or is't possible --
DELI. If you love me, forbear; all the arguments, the world shall never wrest my heart to believe it.
[EXEUNT.
MIT. O, strangely: an of the other's envy too, that labours so seriously to set debate betwixt a man and his wife. Stay, here comes the knight adventurer.
COR. Ay, and his scrivener with him. SCENE IV. -- PUNTARVOLO'S LODGINGS.
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, NOTARY, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG AND CAT.
PUNT. I wonder monsieur Fastidious comes not! But, notary, if thou please to draw the indentures the while, I will give thee thy instructions.
NOT. With all my heart, sir; and I'll fall in hand with them presently.
PUNT. Well then, first the sum is to be understood.
NOT. [WRITES.] Good, sir.
PUNT. Next, our several appellations, and character of my dog and cat, must be known. Shew him the cat, sirrah.
NOT. So, sir.
PUNT. Then, that the intended bound is the Turk's court in Constantinople; the time limited for our return, a year; and that if either of us miscarry, the whole venture is lost. These are general, conceiv'st thou? or if either of us turn Turk.
NOT. Ay, sir.PUNT. Now, for particulars: that I may make my travels by sea or land, to my best liking; and that hiring a coach for myself, it shall be lawful for my dog or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach.
NOT. Very good, sir.PUNT . That I may choose to give my dog or cat, fish, for fear of bones; or any other nutriment that, by the judgment of the most authentical physicians where I travel, shall be thought dangerous.
NOT. Well, sir.PUNT . That, after the receipt of his money, he shall neither, in his own person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means, as magic, witchcraft, or other such exotic arts, attempt, practise, or complot any thing to the prejudice of me, my dog, or my cat: neither shall I use the help of any such sorceries or enchantments, as unctions to make our skins impenetrable, or to travel invisible by virtue of a powder, or a ring, or to hang any three-forked charm about my dog's neck, secretly conveyed into his collar; (understand you?) but that all be performed sincerely, without fraud or imposture.
NOT. So, sir.
PUNT . That, for testimony of the performance, myself am to bring thence a Turk's mustachio, my dog a Grecian hare's lips, and my cat the train or tail of a Thracian rat.
NOT. [WRITES.] 'Tis done, sir.PUNT . 'Tis said, sir; not done, sir. But forward; that, upon my return, and landing on the Tower-wharf, with the aforesaid testimony, I am to receive five for one, according to the proportion of the sums put forth.
NOT. Well, sir.PUNT . Provided, that if before our departure, or setting forth, either myself or these be visited with sickness, or any other casual event, so that the whole course of the adventure be hindered thereby, that then he is to return, and I am to receive the prenominated proportion upon fair and equal terms.
NOT. Very good, sir; is this all?PUNT. It is all, sir; and dispatch them, good notary.
NOT. As fast as is possible, sir. [EXIT.
ENTER CARLO.
PUNT. O Carlo! welcome: saw you monsieur Brisk?
CAR. Not I: did he appoint you to meet here?
PUNT. Ay, and I muse he should be so tardy; he is to take an hundred pounds of me in venture, if he maintain his promise.
CAR. Is his hour past?
PUNT. Not yet, but it comes on apace.
CAR. Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner break all the commandments, than his hour; upon my life, in such a case trust him.
PUNT. Methinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha!
CAR. Why, I came but now from a hot-house; I must needs look smooth.
PUNT . From a hot-house! CAR. Ay, do you make a wonder on't? why, it is your only physic. Let a man sweat once a week in a hot-house, and be well rubb'd, and froted, with a good plump juicy wench, and sweet linen, he shall ne'er have the pox.
PUNT. What, the French pox?CAR. The French pox! out pox: we have them in as good a form as they, man; what?
PUNT. Let me perish, but thou art a salt one! was your new-created gallant there with you, Sogliardo?
CAR. O porpoise! hang him, no: he's a leiger at Horn's ordinary, yonder; his villainous Ganymede and he have been droning a tobacco-pipe there ever since yesterday noon.
PUNT. Who? signior Tripartite, that would give my dog the whiffe?CAR. Ay, he. They have hired a chamber and all, private, to practise in, for the making of the patoun, the receipt reciprocal, and a number of other mysteries not yet extant. I brought some dozen or twenty gallants this morning to view them, as you'd do a piece of perspective, in at a key-hole; and there we might see Sogliardo sit in a chair, holding his snout up like a sow under an apple-tree, while the other open'd his nostrils with a poking-stick, to give the smoke a more free delivery. They had spit some three or fourscore ounces between 'em, afore we came away.
PUNT. How! spit three or fourscore ounces?CAR. Ay, and preserv'd it in porrengers, as a barber does his blood, when he opens a vein.
PUNT. Out, pagan! how dost thou open the vein of thy friend?
CAR. Friend! is there any such foolish thing in the world, ha? 'slid I never relished it yet.
PUNT. Thy humour is the more dangerous.
CAR. No, not a whit, signior. Tut, a man must keep time in all; I can oil my tongue when I meet him next, and look with a good sleek forehead; 'twill take away all soil of suspicion, and that's enough: what Lynceus can see my heart?
Pish, the title of a friend! it's a vain, idle thing, only venerable among fools; you shall not have one that has any opinion of wit affect it.
ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE. DELI. Save you, good sir Puntarvolo.
DELI. Pray you, sir, did you see master Fastidious Brisk? I heard he was to meet your worship here.
PUNT. You heard no figment, sir; I do expect him at every pulse of my watch.
DELI. In good time, sir.
CAR . There's a fellow now looks like one of the patricians of Sparta; marry, his wit's after ten i' the hundred: a good bloodhound, a close-mouthed dog, he follows the scent well; marry, he's at fault now, methinks.
PUNT. I should wonder at that creature is free from the danger of thy tongue.CAR. O, I cannot abide these limbs of satin, or rather Satan indeed, that will walk, like the children of darkness, all day in a melancholy shop, with their pockets full of blanks, ready to swallow up as many poor unthrifts as come within the verge.
PUNT. So! and what hast thou for him that is with him, now?CAR. O, d--n me! immortality! I'll not meddle with him; the pure element of fire, all spirit, extraction.
PUNT. How, Carlo! ha, what is he, man?
CAR. A scholar, Macilente; do you not know him? a rank, raw-boned anatomy, he walks up and down like a charged musket, no man dares encounter him: that's his rest there.
PUNT. His rest! why, has he a forked head?
CAR. Pardon me, that's to be suspended; you are too quick, too apprehensive.
DELI. Troth, now I think on't, I'll defer it till some other time.
MACI. Not by any means, signior, you shall not lose this opportunity, he will be here presently now.
DELI . Yes, faith, Macilente, 'tis best. For, look you, sir, I shall so exceedingly offend my wife in't, that --
MACI. Your wife! now for shame lose these thoughts, and become the master of your own spirits. Should I, if I had a wife, suffer myself to be thus passionately carried to and fro with the stream of her humour, and neglect my deepest affairs, to serve her affections? 'Slight, I would geld myself first.
MACI. Such a wife! Now hate me, sir, if ever I discern'd any wonder in your wife yet, with all the speculation I have: I have seen some that have been thought fairer than she, in my time; and I have seen those, have not been altogether so tall, esteem'd properer women; and I have seen less noses grow upon sweeter faces, that have done very well too, in my judgment. But in good faith, signior, for all this, the gentlewoman is a good, pretty, proud, hard-favour'd thing, marry not so peerlessly to be doted upon, I must confess: nay, be not angry.
DELI. Well, sir, however you please to forget yourself, I have not deserv'd to be thus played upon; but henceforth, pray you forbear my house, for I can but faintly endure the savour of his breath, at my table, that shall thus jade me for my courtesies.
MACI. Nay, then, signior, let me tell you, your wife is no proper woman, and by my life, I suspect her honesty, that's more, which you may likewise suspect, if you please, do you see? I'll urge you to nothing against your appetite, but if you please, you may suspect it.
DELI. Good sir. [EXIT.MACI. Good, sir! now horn upon horn pursue thee, thou blind, egregious dotard!
CAR. O, you shall hear him speak like envy. -- Signior Macilente, you saw monsieur Brisk lately: I heard you were with him at court.
MACI. Ay, Buffone, I was with him.
CAR. And how is he respected there? I know you'll deal ingenuously with us; is he made much of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants?
MACI. Faith, ay; his civet and his casting-glass Have helpt him to a place amongst the rest: And there, his seniors give him good slight looks, After their garb, smile, and salute in French With some new compliment.
CAR. What, is this all? MACI. Why say, that they should shew the frothy fool Such grace as they pretend comes from the heart, He had a mighty windfall out of doubt!
Why, all their graces are not to do grace
To virtue or desert; but to ride both
With their gilt spurs quite breathless, from themselves. 'Tis now esteem'd precisianism in wit,
And a disease in nature, to be kind
Toward desert, to love or seek good names.
Who feeds with a good name? who thrives with loving? Who can provide feast for his own desires,
With serving others? -- ha, ha, ha!
'Tis folly, by our wisest worldlings proved,
If not to gain by love, to be beloved.
PUNT. Shrewd, shrewd.
CAR. D--n me! I could eat his flesh now; divine sweet villain!
MACI. Nay, prithee leave: What's he there?
CAR . Who? this in the starched beard? it's the dull stiff knight Puntarvolo, man; he's to travel now presently: he has a good knotty wit; marry, he carries little on't out of the land with him.
MACI. How then?CAR. He puts it forth in venture, as he does his money upon the return of a dog and cat.
MACI. Is this he?
CAR . Ay, this is he; a good tough gentleman: he looks like a shield of brawn at Shrove-tide, out of date, and ready to take his leave; or a dry pole of ling upon Easter-eve, that has furnish'd the table all Lent, as he has done the city this last vacation.
MACI. Come, you'll never leave your stabbing similes: I shall have you aiming at me with 'em by and by; but --
CAR. O, renounce me then! pure, honest, good devil, I love thee above the love of women: I could e'en melt in admiration of thee, now. Ods so, look here, man; Sir Dagonet and his squire!
ENTER SOGLIARDO AND SHIFT.
SOG. Save you, my dear gallantos: nay, come, approach, good cavalier: prithee, sweet knight, know this gentleman, he's one that it pleases me to use as my good friend and companion; and therefore do him good offices: I beseech you, gentles, know him, I know him all over.
SOG. Why, as I am a gentleman, I thank you, knight, and it shall suffice. Hark you, sir Puntarvolo, you'd little think it; he's as resolute a piece of flesh as any in the world.
PUNT. Indeed, sir!SOG. Upon my gentility, sir: Carlo, a word with you; do you see that same fellow, there?
CAR. What, cavalier Shirt?
SOG. O, you know him; cry you mercy: before me, I think him the tallest man living within the walls of Europe.
CAR. The walls of Europe! take heed what you say, signior, Europe's a huge thing within the walls.
SOG. 'Tut, an 'twere as huge again, I'd justify what I speak. 'Slid, he swagger'd even now in a place where we were -- I never saw a man do it more resolute.
CAR. Nay, indeed, swaggering is a good argument of resolution. Do you hear this, signior?
MACI. Ay, to my grief. O, that such muddy flags, For every drunken flourish should achieve The name of manhood, whilst true perfect valour, Hating to shew itself, goes by despised! Heart! I do know now, in a fair just cause, I dare do more than he, a thousand times; Why should not they take knowledge of this, ha! And give my worth allowance before his? Because I cannot swagger. -- Now, the pox Light on your Pickt-hatch prowess!
SOG. Why, I tell you, sir; he has been the only 'Bid-stand' that ever kept Newmarket, Salisbury-plain, Hockley i' the Hole, Gadshill, and all the high places of any request: he has had his mares and his geldings, he, have been worth forty, threescore, a hundred pound a horse, would ha' sprung you over the hedge and ditch like your greyhound: he has done five hundred robberies in his time, more or less, I assure you.
SOG. Scaped! i'faith, ay: he has broken the gaol when he has been in irons and irons; and been out and in again; and out, and in; forty times, and not so few, he.
MACI. A fit trumpet, to proclaim such a person.CAR. But can this be possible?
SHIFT. Pardon me, my dear Orestes; causes have their quiddits, and 'tis ill jesting with bell-ropes.
CAR. How! Pylades and Orestes?
SOG. Ay, he is my Pylades, and I am his Orestes: how like you the conceit?
CAR. O, 'tis an old stale interlude device; no, I'll give you names myself, look you; he shall be your Judas, and you shall be his elder-tree to hang on.
MACI. Nay, rather let him be captain Pod, and this his motion: for he does nothing but shew him.
CAR. Excellent: or thus; you shall be Holden, and he your camel.
SHIFT. You do not mean to ride, gentlemen?
PUNT. Faith, let me end it for you, gallants: you shall be his Countenance, and he your Resolution.
SOG. Troth, that's pretty: how say you, cavalier, shall it be so?
CAR. Ay, ay, most voices.
SHIFT. Faith, I am easily yielding to any good impressions.
SOG. Then give hands, good Resolution.
CAR. Mass, he cannot say, good Countenance, now, properly,