ENTER PUNTARVOLO, WITH HIS DOG, FOLLOWED BY FASTIDIOUS BRISK AND FUNGOSO.
PUNT. Come, gentles, Signior, you are sufficiently instructed.
FAST. Who, I, sir?
PUNT. No, this gentleman. But stay, I take thought how to bestow my dog; he is no competent attendant for the presence.
FAST. Mass, that's true, indeed, knight; you must not carry him into the presence.
PUNT. I know it, and I, like a dull beast, forgot to bring one of my cormorants to attend me.
FAST. Why, you were best leave him at the porter's lodge.
PUNT. Not so; his worth is too well known amongst them, to be forth-coming.
FAST. 'Slight, how will you do then?
PUNT . I must leave him with one that is ignorant of his quality, if I will have him to be safe. And see! here comes one that will carry coals, ergo, will hold my dog. ENTER A GROOM, WITH A BASKET.
My honest friend, may I commit the tuition of this dog to thy prudent care?
PUNT. Pray thee let me find thee here at my return; it shall not be long, till I will ease thee of thy employment, and please thee. Forth, gentles.
FAST. Why, but will you leave him with so slight command, and infuse no more charge upon the fellow?
PUNT. Charge! no; there were no policy in that; that were to let him know the value of the gem he holds, and so to tempt frail nature against her disposition. No, pray thee let thy honesty be sweet, as it shall be short.
GROOM . Yes, sir. PUNT. But hark you, gallants, and chiefly monsieur Brisk: when we come in eye-shot, or presence of this lady, let not other matters carry us from our project; but, if we can, single her forth to some place --
FAST. I warrant you.PUNT. And be not too sudden, but let the device induce itself with good circumstance. On.
FUNG. Is this the way? good truth, here be fine hangings. [EXEUNT PUNT., FAST., AND FUNGOSO.
GROOM . Honesty! sweet, and short! Marry, it shall, sir, doubt you not; for even at this instant if one would give me twenty pounds, I would not deliver him; there's for the sweet: but now, if any man come offer me but two-pence, he shall have him; there's for the short now. 'Slid, what a mad humorous gentleman is this to leave his dog with me! I could run away with him now, an he were worth any thing.
ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO.
MACI. Come on, signior, now prepare to court this all-witted lady, most naturally, and like yourself.
MACI . O, fie on't! no; you shall begin with, "How does my sweet lady", or, "Why are you so melancholy, madam?" though she be very merry, it's all one. Be sure to kiss your hand often enough; pray for her health, and tell her, how "More than most fair she is". Screw your face at one side thus, and protest: let her fleer, and look askance, and hide her teeth with her fan, when she laughs a fit, to bring her into more matter, that's nothing: you must talk forward, (though it be without sense, so it be without blushing,) 'tis most court-like and well.
SOG. But shall I not use tobacco at all?MACI. O, by no means; 'twill but make your breath suspected, and that you use it only to confound the rankness of that.
SOG. Nay, I'll be advised, sir, by my friends.
MACI. Od's my life, see where sir Puntarvolo's dog is.
GROOM . I would the gentleman would return for his follower here, I'll leave him to his fortunes else.
MACI. 'Twere the only true jest in the world to poison him now; ha! by this hand I'll do it, if I could but get him of the fellow. [ASIDE.] Signior Sogliardo, walk aside, and think upon some device to entertain the lady with.
[WALKS OFF IN A MEDITATING POSTURE.
MACI. How now, mine honest friend! whose dog-keeper art thou?
GROOM. Dog-keeper, sir! I hope I scorn that, i'faith.
MACI. Why, dost thou not keep a dog?
GROOM . Sir, now I do, and now I do not: [THROWS OFF THE DOG.] I think this be sweet and short. Make me his dog-keeper!
[EXIT.
[GIVES HIM POISON.] So, sir, I'll be bold to take my leave of you. Now to the Turk's court in the devil's name, for you shall never go o' God's name. [KICKS HIM OUT.] -- Sogliardo, come.
SOG. I have it i'faith now, will sting it.MACI. Take heed you leese it not signior, ere you come there; preserve it. [EXEUNT.
COR. How like you this first exploit of his?
MIT. O, a piece of true envy; but I expect the issue of the other device.
COR. Here they come will make it appear.
SCENE II. -- AN APARTMENT IN THE PALACE.
ENTER SAVIOLINA, PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK, AND FUNGOSO.
SAV. Why, I thought, sir Puntarvolo, you had been gone your voyage?
PUNT. Dear and most amiable lady, your divine beauties do bind me to those offices, that I cannot depart when I would.
SAV. 'Tis most court-like spoken, sir; but how might we do to have a sight of your dog and cat?
FAST. His dog is in the court, lady.
SAV. And not your cat? how dare you trust her behind you, sir.
PUNT . Troth, madam, she hath sore eyes, and she doth keep her chamber; marry, I have left her under sufficient guard there are two of my followers to attend her.
SAV. I'll give you some water for her eyes. When do you go, sir?PUNT. Certes, sweet lady, I know not.
FAST. He doth stay the rather, madam, to present your acute judgment with so courtly and well parted a gentleman as yet your ladyship hath never seen.
SAV. What is he, gentle monsieur Brisk? not that gentleman? [POINTS TO FUNGOSO.
FAST. No, lady, this is a kinsman to justice Silence.
PUNT. Pray, sir, give me leave to report him. He's a gentleman, lady, of that rare and admirable faculty, as, I protest, I know not his like in Europe; he is exceedingly valiant, an excellent scholar, and so exactly travelled, that he is able, in discourse, to deliver you a model of any prince's court in the world; speaks the languages with that purity of phrase, and facility of accent, that it breeds astonishment; his wit, the most exuberant, and, above wonder, pleasant, of all that ever entered the concave of this ear.
FAST. 'Tis most true, lady; marry, he is no such excellent proper man.PUNT. His travels have changed his complexion, madam.
SAV. O, sir Puntarvolo, you must think every man was not born to have my servant Brisk's feature.
PUNT . But that which transcends all, lady; he doth so peerlessly imitate any manner of person for gesture, action, passion, or whatever --
FAST. Ay, especially a rustic or a clown, madam, that it is not possible for the sharpest-sighted wit in the world to discern any sparks of the gentleman in him, when he does it.
SAV . O, monsieur Brisk, be not so tyrannous to confine all wits within the compass of your own; not find the sparks of a gentleman in him, if he be a gentleman!
FUNG. No, in truth, sweet lady, I believe you cannot.SAV. Do you believe so? why, I can find sparks of a gentleman in you, sir.
PUNT. Ay, he is a gentleman, madam, and a reveller.
FUNG. Indeed, I think I have seen your ladyship at our revels.
SAV. Like enough, sir; but would I might see this wonder you talk of; may one have a sight of him for any reasonable sum?
PUNT. Yes, madam, he will arrive presently.
SAV. What, and shall we see him clown it?
FAST. I'faith, sweet lady, that you shall; see, here he comes.
ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO. PUNT. This is he! pray observe him, lady.
SAV. Beshrew me, he clowns it properly indeed.
PUNT. Nay, mark his courtship.
SOG. How does my sweet lady? hot and moist? beautiful and lusty? ha!
SAV. Beautiful, an it please you, sir, but not lusty.
SOG. O ho, lady, it pleases you to say so, in truth: And how does my sweet lady? in health? 'Bonaroba, quaeso, que novelles? que novelles?' sweet creature!
SAV. O excellent! why, gallants, is this he that cannot be deciphered? they were very blear-witted, i'faith, that could not discern the gentleman in him.PUNT. But you do, in earnest, lady? SAV. Do I sir! why, if you had any true court-judgment in the carriage of his eye, and that inward power that forms his countenance, you might perceive his counterfeiting as clear as the noon-day; alas -- nay, if you would have tried my wit, indeed, you should never have told me he was a gentleman, but presented him for a true clown indeed; and then have seen if I could have deciphered him.
FAST. 'Fore God, her ladyship says true, knight: but does he not affect the clown most naturally, mistress?PUNT. O, she cannot but affirm that, out of the bounty of her judgment.
SAV . Nay, out of doubt he does well, for a gentleman to imitate: but I warrant you, he becomes his natural carriage of the gentleman, much better than his clownery.
FAST. 'Tis strange, in truth, her ladyship should see so far into him!PUNT. Ay, is it not?
SAV. Faith, as easily as may be; not decipher him, quoth you!
FUNG. Good sadness, I wonder at it
MACI. Why, has she deciphered him, gentlemen?
PUNT. O, most miraculously, and beyond admiration.
MACI. Is it possible?
FAST. She hath gather'd most infallible signs of the gentleman in him, that's certain.
SAV. Why, gallants, let me laugh at you a little: was this your device, to try my judgment in a gentleman?
MACI. Nay, lady, do not scorn us, though you have this gift of perspicacy above others. What if he should be no gentleman now, but a clown indeed, lady?
PUNT. How think you of that? would not your ladyship be Out of your Humour?
FAST. O, but she knows it is not so.
SAV. What if he were not a man, ye may as well say? Nay, if your worships could gull me so, indeed, you were wiser than you are taken for. MACI. In good faith, lady, he is a very perfect clown, both by father and mother; that I'll assure you.
SAV. O, sir, you are very pleasurable.MACI. Nay, do but look on his hand, and that shall resolve you; look you, lady, what a palm here is.
SOG. Tut, that was with holding the plough.
MACI. The plough! did you discern any such thing in him, madam?
FAST. Faith no, she saw the gentleman as bright as noon-day, she; she deciphered him at first.
MACI. Troth, I am sorry your ladyship's sight should be so suddenly struck.
SAV. O, you are goodly beagles!
FAST. What, is she gone?
SOG. Nay, stay, sweet lady: 'que novelles? que novelles?'
SAV. Out, you fool, you! [EXIT IN ANGER.
FUNG. She's Out of her Humour, i'faith.
FAST. Nay, let's follow it while 'tis hot, gentlemen.
PUNT. Come, on mine honour we shall make her blush in the presence; my spleen is great with laughter.
MACI . Your laughter will be a child of a feeble life, I believe, sir. [ASIDE.] -- Come, signior, your looks are too dejected, methinks; why mix you not mirth with the rest?
FUNG. Od's will, this suit frets me at the soul. I'll have it alter'd to-morrow, sure.SCENE III. -- THE PALACE STAIRS.
ENTER SHIFT.
SHIFT. I am come to the court, to meet with my Countenance, Sogliardo; poor men must be glad of such countenance, when they can get no better. Well, need may insult upon a man, but it shall never make him despair of consequence. The world will say, 'tis base: tush, base! 'tis base to live under the earth, not base to live above it by any means.
ENTER FASTIDIOUS, PUNTARVOLO, SOGLIARDO, FUNGOSO, AND MACILENTE.
FAST. The poor lady is most miserably out of her humour, i'faith.
MACI. O, this applause taints it foully.
SOG. I think I did my part in courting. -- O, Resolution!
PUNT. Ay me, my dog!
MACI. Where is he?
FAST. 'Sprecious, go seek for the fellow, good signior [EXIT FUNGOSO.
PUNT. Here, here I left him.
MACI. Why, none was here when we came in now, but cavalier Shirt; enquire of him.
FAST. Did you see sir Puntarvolo's dog here, cavalier, since you came?
SHIFT. His dog, sir! he may look his dog, sir; I saw none of his dog, sir.
MACI. Upon my life, he has stolen your dog, sir, and been hired to it by some that have ventured with you; you may guess by his peremptory answers.
PUNT. Not unlike; for he hath been a notorious thief by his own confession. Sirrah, where is my dog?
SHIFT. Charge me with your dog, sir! I have none of your dog, sir.
PUNT. Villain, thou liest.
SHIFT. Lie, sir! s'blood, -- you are but a man, sir.
PUNT. Rogue and thief, restore him.
SOG. Take heed, sir Puntarvolo, what you do; he'll bear no coals, I can tell you, o' my word.
MACI. This is rare.
SOG. It's marle he stabs you not: By this light, he hath stabbed forty, for forty times less matter, I can tell you of my knowledge.
PUNT. I will make thee stoop, thou abject.
SOG. Make him stoop, sir! Gentlemen, pacify him, or he'll be kill'd.
MACI. Is he so tall a man?
SOG. Tall a man! if you love his life, stand betwixt them. Make him stoop!
PUNT. My dog, villain, or I will hang thee; thou hast confest robberies, and other felonious acts, to this gentleman, thy Countenance --
SOG. I'll bear no witness.
PUNT. And without my dog, I will hang thee, for them. [SHIFT KNEELS.
SOG. What! kneel to thine enemies!
SHIFT. Pardon me, good sir; God is my witness, I never did robbery in all my life.
RE-ENTER FUNGOSO.
FUNG. O, sir Puntarvolo, your dog lies giving up the ghost in the wood-yard.
MACI. Heart, is he not dead yet! [ASIDE.
PUNT. O, my dog, born to disastrous fortune! pray you conduct me, sir. [EXIT WITH FUNGOSO.
SOG. How! did you never do any robbery in your life?
MACI. O, this is good! so he swore, sir.
SOG. Ay, I heard him: and did you swear true, sir?
SHIFT . Ay, as I hope to be forgiven, sir, I never robbed any man; I never stood by the highwayside, sir, but only said so, because I would get myself a name, and be counted a tall man.
SOG. Now out, base viliaco! thou my Resolution! I thy Countenance! By this light, gentlemen, he hath confest to me the most inexorable company of robberies, and damn'd himself that he did 'em: you never heard the like. Out, scoundrel, out! follow me no more, I command thee; out of my sight, go, hence, speak not; I will not hear thee: away, camouccio!
[EXIT SHIFT.
MACI. O, how I do feed upon this now, and fat myself! here were a couple unexpectedly dishumour'd. Well, by this time, I hope, sir Puntarvolo and his dog are both out of humour to travel. [ASIDE.] -- Nay, gentlemen, why do you not seek out the knight, and comfort him? our supper at the Mitre must of necessity hold to-night, if you love your reputations.
FAST. 'Fore God, I am so melancholy for his dog's disaster -- but I'll go.SOG. Faith, and I may go too, but I know I shall be so melancholy.
MACI . Tush, melancholy! you must forget that now, and remember you lie at the mercy of a fury: Carlo will rack your sinews asunder, and rail you to dust, if you come not.
[EXEUNT.
COR. Ay, here he comes; conceive him but to be enter'd the Mitre, and 'tis enough.
SCENE IV. -- A ROOM AT THE MITRE.
ENTER CARLO.
CAR. Holla! where be these shot-sharks?
ENTER DRAWER.
DRAW. By and by; you are welcome, good master Buffone.
CAR. Where's George? call me George hither, quickly.
DRAW. What wine please you have, sir? I'll draw you that's neat, master Buffone.
CAR. Away, neophite, do as I bid thee, bring my dear George to me: -- ENTER GEORGE.
Mass, here he comes.
GEORGE. Ay, sir, almost: Will you have the cloth laid, master Carlo?
CAR. O, what else? Are none of the gallants come yet?
GEORGE. None yet, sir.
CAR. Stay, take me with you, George; let me have a good fat loin of pork laid to the fire, presently.
GEORGE. It shall, sir.
CAR. And withal, hear you, draw me the biggest shaft you have out of the butt you wot of; away, you know my meaning, George; quick!
GEORGE. Done, sir. [EXIT.
CAR. I never hungered so much for anything in my life, as I do to know our gallants' success at court; now is that lean, bald-rib Macilente, that salt villain, plotting some mischievous device, and lies a soaking in their frothy humours like a dry crust, till he has drunk 'em all up: Could the pummice but hold up his eyes at other men's happiness, in any reasonable proportion, 'slid, the slave were to be loved next heaven, above honour, wealth, rich fare, apparel, wenches, all the delights of the belly and the groin, whatever.
RE-ENTER GEORGE WITH TWO JUGS OF WINE. GEORGE. Here, master Carlo.CAR. Is it right, boy?
GEORGE. Ay, sir, I assure you 'tis right.
CAR . Well said, my dear George, depart: [EXIT GEORGE.] -- Come, my small gimblet, you in the false scabbard, away, so! [PUTS FORTH THE DRAWER, AND
SHUTS THE DOOR.] Now to you, sir Burgomaster, let's taste of your bounty.
COR. You will perceive that, sir.
CAR. [DRINKS.] Ay, marry, sir, here's purity; O, George -- I could bite off his nose for this now, sweet rogue, he has drawn nectar, the very soul of the grape! I'll wash my temples with some on't presently, and drink some half a score draughts; 'twill heat the brain, kindle my imagination, I shall talk nothing but crackers and fire-works to-night. So, sir! please you to be here, sir, and I here: so.
[SETS THE TWO CUPS ASUNDER, DRINKS WITH THE ONE, AND PLEDGES WITH THE OTHER, SPEAKING FOR EACH OF THE CUPS, AND DRINKING ALTERNATELY.
CAR. 1 CUP. Now, sir, here's to you; and I present you with so much of my love.
2 CUP . I take it kindly from you, sir. [DRINKS], and will return you the like proportion; but withal, sir, remembering the merry night we had at the countess's, you know where, sir.
1 CUP. By heaven, you put me in mind now of a very necessary office, which I will propose in your pledge, sir; the health of that honourable countess, and the sweet lady that sat by her, sir.
2 CUP. I do vail to it with reverence [DRINKS]. And now, signior, with these ladies, I'll be bold to mix the health of your divine mistress.1 CUP. Do you know her, sir?
2 CUP. O lord, sir, ay; and in the respectful memory and mention of her, I could wish this wine were the most precious drug in the world