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EXT. BARRAS MARKET, GLASGOW. DAY.
IT IS A SUNDAY MORNING AND THE MARKET IS FAIRLY BUSY WITH A WIDE VARIETY
OF PEOPLE - AGES, RACES, SEXES - SHOPPING AMID THE STALLS. IT IS A COLOURFUL AND NOISY SCENE WITH KIDS RUNNING ABOUT WITH VARIOUS TYPES OF
MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY FROM DIFFERENT STALLS.
WE FOCUS ON A YOUNG WOMAN, WALKING TOWARDS US. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL, IN A HOLLYWOOD KIND OF WAY - BLONDE HAIR TIED BACK, SHADES, WELL MADE-UP AND
SMARTLY, THOUGH CASUALLY, DRESSED.
AS SHE APPROACHES ...
CALUM
(VOICE-OVER)
Whoah hoah!
ANDY
(VOICE OVER)
Oh aye, definitely whoah hoah!
SHE GETS NEARER.
CALUM
(VOICE OVER)
Not only that, but major whoah hoah!
SHE WALKS BY SO THAT NOW WE SEE HER FROM THE REAR.
ANDY
(VOICE OVER)
Major whoah hoah ... and doggy fashion!
NOW WE TURN TO SEE CALUM AND ANDY, SCRUFFY STUDENTS IN THEIR 20S, LOI-TERING BESIDE A STALL SELLING OLD RECORDS. THEIR INTEREST, HOWEVER, IS
TOTALLY ON THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO HAS JUST PASSED.
CALUM
Out of our league, man.
ANDY
Stuff that, I feel an Andy Moment coming on.
CALUM
You'll get the jail!
BUT HE IS SHOUTING TO ANDY'S RETREATING BACK, AS HIS FRIEND HARES OFF
AFTER THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
HE CATCHES UP WITH HER, PASSES HER, LOOKS AROUND THE STALLS, THEN DIVES
ACROSS TO ONE SIGNED 'TOYS & NOVELTIES'. BY THE TIME HE HAS DONE HIS
BUYING SHE HAS PASSED HIM AGAIN AND HE HAS TO RUN TO CATCH HER. HE
STOPS HER, PUFFING AND OUT OF BREATH.
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ANDY
It should have been flowers, I know. But I couldn't see a flower-stall, and if I'd gone looking for one I'd have missed you.
Would a doggy-doo suffice in the meantime?
(HE HOLDS IT OUT TO HER AND SHE RECOILS)
It's all right, it's a fake.
THE WOMAN BACKS AWAY FROM HIM, MOUTH OPEN, BUT SPEECHLESS.
ANDY
It's just a small token of my admiration, but maybe it could lead to something more ... something special.
A LARGE MAN COMING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION SPEEDS UP AS HE SEES WHAT'S
HAPPENING. AS HE REACHES THEM THE WOMAN COLLAPSES INTO HIS ARMS AND
POINTS ACCUSINGLY AT ANDY. THE MAN MOVES TOWARDS HIM BUT ANDY DUCKS OUT
OF THE WAY AND RUNS OFF, SOON JOINED IN HIS FLIGHT BY CALUM.
EXT. BUS-STOP. DAY.
ANDY AND CALUM, BOTH HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER, RUN UP TO THE STOP AND DIVE
INTO A BUS, JUST AS IT IS PULLING AWAY.
INT. BUS. DAY.
ON THE UPPER-DECK, ANDY AND CALUM, STAGGER UP TO THE BACK SEAT AND SLUMP
OUT, STILL LAUGHING.
ANDY
Did you see her face?
CALUM
Where did you get the money to buy a jobby, I
thought you were skint?
ANDY
What do you mean, 'buy it', it was a real one!
THEY BOTH CACKLE AGAIN.
ANDY
With the size of that big bugger it could have been.
I was shitting myself.
CALUM
You'll need to watch out for these Andy Moments, mate, they're going to be the death of you.
ANDY
No, Cal, it's all right, I know how to deal with them ... I'm going to change my name.
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HE OPENS THE BACK EMERGENCY-DOOR OF THE BUS AND CLIMBS OUT.
EXT. BUS. DAY.
AS THE BUS CRAWLS ALONG, ANDY EMERGES FROM THE UPPER-DECK EMERGENCY EXIT
AND DREEPS DOWN TO THE STREET, LANDING WITH A BUMP. A CAR SWERVES TO
AVOID HIM AS HE DASHES TO THE PAVEMENT, WAVING AND MAKING SIGNS AT A CONCERNED-LOOKING CALUM, STILL ON THE BUS.
INT. UNIVERSITY CAFE. DAY.
IT IS LUNCH-TIME AND STUDENTS ARE BUSILY DEVOURING THEIR MEALS. AT A TABLE SIT ANDY AND CALUM, NURSING COFFEES.
CALUM
And that Cathy one. If she bends over in that wee skirt one more time, flashing her cute little arse, I'm going to get behind her and ....
ANDY
There's more to life than ass, Calum.
CALUM
What do you mean?
ANDY
There's tits.
CALUM
Hey, it's not bodily parts I'm talking about, it's love.
SHEENA, A PRETTY GIRL OF 20, APPROACHES AND PUTS HER TRAY DOWN ON THE
TABLE.
SHEENA
Love? Don't make me laugh, Calum, you think love starts with an f.
(SHE SLIPS INTO A SEAT BESIDE THEM)
Hi, Andy.
CALUM
(PUZZLED)
Flove?
ANDY
Hi, Sheens, what's happening?
CALUM
You should have seen the boy in action yesterday, Sheena, spectacular form. Two Andy Moments in one day.
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SHEENA
(MAKING A DISAPPROVING FACE)
Juvenile attention-seeking behaviour doesn't impress me.
ANDY
It's not attention-seeking, it's creative expression. And I'm hardly trying to impress you.
CALUM
(WOLF WHISTLES)
Would you look at that?
(THEY FOLLOW HIS GAZE TO A BEAUTIFUL
INDIAN GIRL, CARRYING A TRAY AND SEARCH-
ING FOR A SEAT.)
God, could I make her a happy woman.
SHEENA
Oh yeah?
(SHE STANDS UP AND SHOUTS)
Pritam! Over here!
PRITAM SPOTS SHEENA AND HEADS TOWARDS THEM.
PRITAM
(TO SHEENA)
New pals?
SHEENA
They're my flatmates, but only Calum's new. Andy, I've known since primary school.
PRITAM
Hi, I'm Pritam.
SHE REACHES OUT A HAND WHICH ANDY TAKES.
ANDY
(HUGELY POLITE)
Hello, pleased to meet you.
CALUM GRABS HER HAND AND FAWNS OVER IT.
CALUM
The reason Sheena doesn't know me is because I'm a Gael, brought up on the island of Barra. We're a wild, impetuous, romantic race and that's why I feel entitled to tell you that you are the most stunning-ly beautiful and desirable creature on God's Earth.
PRITAM SMILES AND TAKES A FORKFUL OF HER LUNCH.
PRITAM
I bet you say that to all the sheep.
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EXT. UNIVERSITY. DAY.
SHEENA AND PRITAM EXIT THE UNIVERSITY BUILDING, CARRYING BAGS OF BOOKS, AND WALK A LITTLE WAY TOGETHER.
PRITAM
He's quite cute, your pal.
SHEENA
Andy, oh aye, we've known each other for ages.
PRITAM
No, the other one, Calum.
SHEENA
Calum? He's a degenerate.
PRITAM
Yeah, but he's fun.
SHEENA
You wouldn't say that if he was trying to paw you after he's had a night on the bevvy.
PRITAM
Oh, I don't know.
SHEENA
Trust me, Andy's just a nut, but Calum's a sexual deviant.
PRITAM
Maybe I am too.
SHEENA
Sure you are. Listen, if you want to see Calum in his finest lecherous form, come to the club tonight.
PRITAM
I'll try, but you know what it's like.
SHEENA
I can't believe that, in this day and age, your parents ...
PRITAM
They're traditional. They expect me to retain my virtue for that one special person.
SHEENA
There's nothing wrong with that.
PRITAM
Did you?
SHEENA LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.
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EXT. RUPRAI HOUSE. NIGHT.
THE HOUSE IS VERY ORDINARY, A SEMI-DETACHED IN A MIDDLE-CLASS SUBURB.
WE STAY ON IT FOR A WHILE, AS AROUND IT THE EVENTS OF A NORMAL SCOTTISH
EVENING PLAY OUT - CARS PARK, A DOG TROTS BY, TV'S FLICKER BEHIND WINDOWS.
SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOT OF SHOUTING, MALE AND FEMALE RAISED VOICES, COMING FROM THE HOUSE, BUT WE CAN'T MAKE OUT WHAT'S BEING SAID.
FINALLY, PRITAM COMES OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. SHE IS WEARING A LONG
BLACK COAT OVER A DRAB 'PUNJABI' SUIT OF TUNIC AND TROUSERS. SHE
CLUTCHES THE BAG SHE IS HOLDING AND RUNS OFF DOWN THE STREET.
MR RUPRAI AND MRS RUPRAI, HER PARENTS, SHOUT AFTER HER FROM THE DOORWAY.
MR RUPRAI
Mordkae ah !
CAPTION - 'COME BACK!'
MRS RUPRAI
Mordkae na hai !
CAPTION - 'DON'T COME BACK!'
WHITE FACES PEEKING FROM NEIGHBOURING WINDOWS WITNESS THE DRAMA.
INT. ANDY'S FLAT (LIVING ROOM). NIGHT.
A TYPICAL 'STUDENT' FLAT. ANDY AND CALUM ARE FLOPPED IN FRONT OF A FOOTBALL MATCH ON THE TELEVISION. THEY ARE DRINKING FROM CANS OF BEER
AND SMOKING. HALF-EATEN TAKE-AWAY PIZZAS LIE ON A COFFEE-TABLE IN FRONT
OF THEM. SHEENA ENTERS, DRESSED AND MADE-UP FOR GOING OUT. SHE LOOKS
SURPRISED AT THE BOYS.
SHEENA
Ehh, guys, I thought we were going out.
CALUM DRINKS FROM HIS CAN.
CALUM
No problem, we're ready.
SHEENA WEARILY LIFTS THE PIZZA BOXES.
SHEENA
A little effort, just occasionally, that's all I ask.
CALUM
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Andy, mind I left home, took on this flat, so I could get away from a nagging mother.
SHEENA
I'm not your mother !
CALUM
Pity. We could have played mummies and daddies.
SHEENA
What chance have you got of meeting anybody kitted out like that ? Get changed.
CALUM
I've got a personality, Sheena. I don't need to embellish my devilish good looks to make an impression.
DESPITE THIS HE GETS UP AND HEADS OUT OF THE ROOM.
SHEENA COMES UP BEHIND ANDY, PUTS HER HANDS ON HIS SHOULDERS, AND KNEADS
THEM GENTLY.
SHEENA
No Andy Moments tonight, huh. Sometimes they scare me.
ANDY
Hey, I won't bother coming out, if you want.
There's a great gardening programme on the telly.
SHEENA
Stop being a big baby.
CALUM RE-ENTERS, HAVING VAGUELY BRUSHED HIS HAIR AND CHANGED HIS T-SHIRT.
SHEENA
Huh, is that it ? If you get a snog tonight I'll do your laundry for a month.
CALUM
Really ?
CALUM GRABS AND HUGS A STRUGGLING SHEENA. ANDY CLIMBS SLOWLY TO HIS
FEET AND LIFTS HIS JACKET FROM THE BACK OF A CHAIR.
ANDY
Put her down, you don't know where she's been.
INT. CENTRAL STATION. NIGHT.
A LOCAL TRAIN PULLS IN AND PRITAM GETS OFF. WE FOLLOW HER THROUGH A THRONG OF SATURDAY NIGHT REVELLERS TO THE LADIES TOILETS. IN A CUBICLE
SHE BEGINS STRIPPING OFF HER INDIAN CLOTHES AND CHANGING INTO A SHORT
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MINI-SKIRT WHICH SHE TAKES FROM THE BAG SHE WAS CLUTCHING. SHE SHAKES
HER HAIR LOOSE FROM ITS PLAITS AND APPLIES HEAVY MAKE-UP.
EXT. CENTRAL STATION. NIGHT.
AS PRITAM EXITS FROM THE STATION, NOW A THOROUGHLY WESTERN MISS, WE PAN
ALONG TO A PARKED TRANSIT VAN. IN IT SIT TWO HEAVILY BUILT AND TURBANNED YOUNG SIKHS, RAJ AND GURDEV. THEY WATCH PRITAM AS SHE WALKS OFF
INTO THE NIGHT.
INT. CLUB. NIGHT.
A VERY BUSY CLUB WITH LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC. CALUM IS FORCING HIS ATTEN-TIONS ON A BUNCH OF GIRLS. ANDY IS SITTING MOROSELY AT A TABLE WITH
SHEENA.
SHEENA
I didn't say don't enjoy yourself.
ANDY
(SULKY)
I refuse, I'm being a good boy.
SHEENA SHAKES HER HEAD AND WALKS OFF TOWARDS CALUM. ON HER WAY SHE
BUMPS INTO PRITAM, ALSO HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION. THEY EMBRACE
HEARTILY.
SHEENA
You made it.
PRITAM
You should have seen it, escape from Alcatraz.
SHEENA
Dance with Andy, huh, he's in a cream puff with me.
PRITAM SHRUGS AND FIGHTS HER WAY THROUGH THE CROWD TILL SHE IS BEHIND
ANDY. SHE PUTS HER HANDS OVER HIS EYES. HE TURNS AND IS SURPRISED TO
SEE HER, BUT PULLS HER TOWARDS HIM.
EXT. CLUB. NIGHT.
RAJ AND GURDEV APPROACH THE ENTRANCE TO THE CLUB WHERE A FAIR-SIZED
QUEUE IS FORMING. THEY BARGE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE FRONT. SOME PEOPLE
TURN TO COMPLAIN, BUT BACK OFF WHEN THEY SEE THE SIZE OF THE BOYS.
INT. CLUB. NIGHT.
ANDY IS HOLDING ONTO PRITAM AT THE BAR. SHE IS SWIGGING FROM A BOTTLE
OF BEER AND GIGGLING. HER EYES ARE A LITTLE GLAZED. SHEENA STRUGGLES
TOWARDS THEM AND PULLS ANDY SLIGHTLY ASIDE.
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SHEENA
Listen, you're not on any promises for your washing.
ANDY
I can't help it, she's all over me like a rash.
SHEENA
Aye, you need to watch the quiet ones.
ANDY
Just doing my bit for international relations.
SHEENA
Well, be careful, Andy.
PRITAM THROWS HER ARMS AROUND ANDY AGAIN AND PULLS HIM AWAY.
EXT. CLUB. NIGHT.
RAJ AND GURDEV REACH THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE AND TRY TO PUSH THEIR WAY
THROUGH BUT ARE BLOCKED BY TWO HEFTY BOUNCERS.
BOUNCER
Sorry, lads, not tonight.
RAJ AND GURDEV LOOK AT EACH OTHER, BEMUSED.
INT. CLUB. NIGHT.
ANDY AND PRITAM ARE DANCING. PRITAM STAGGERS A LITTLE AND ANDY GRABS A HOLD OF HER.
PRITAM
Sorry, I'm not used to drinking. It's gone straight to my head.
ANDY
Have another one.
PRITAM SEES TWO TURBANS BOBBING THROUGH THE CROWD, HEADING TOWARDS HER.
SHE LOOKS AROUND, PANICKED, THEN GRABS ANDY'S HAND AND TRIES TO PULL HIM
AWAY.
ANDY
Hey, what's up?
PRITAM
Come on. I need some air. Let's go.
ANDY
All right!
SHEENA WATCHES THEM DISAPPEAR INTO THE CROWD.
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SHEENA
Where the hell are they going?
CALUM
Bastard, he's nipped her. I want one of them, same as him.
EXT. NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT
AS THEY EMERGE FROM THE NIGHTCLUB ANDY AND PRITAM SEE THE TWO BOUNCERS, LYING IN A CRUMPLED HEAP.
ANDY
What the hell ....
PRITAM CONTINUES DRAGGING HIM AWAY.
PRITAM
My brothers' handiwork probably, they're lunatics.
EXT. ALLEY. NIGHT.
PRITAM AND ANDY PRESS THEMSELVES INTO A DOORWAY IN THE ALLEY.
PRITAM
We'll have to hide till they've gone.
ANDY
Oh aye, definitely. Not that I'm scared or anything but I'm not really a fighting man, Pritam, more your intellectual type. But what's upset your brothers?
PRITAM
They're very protective of their little sister.
ANDY
Quite right too, there's a lot of strange folk about.
(THEN REALISES WHAT HE'S SAYING)
Not me, of course.
THEY COWER FURTHER INTO THE DARKNESS.
EXT. CLUB. NIGHT.
RAJ AND GURDEV COME RUSHING FROM THE NIGHTCLUB, SCANNING THE CROWDS.
THE TWO BOUNCERS ARE SLOWLY STRUGGLING TO THEIR FEET.
RAJ
Sorry about that ..... lads.
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EXT. ALLEY. NIGHT.
ANDY STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE DOORWAY AND LOOKS AROUND.
ANDY
Nothing, they must have legged it.
PRITAM
No. They'll hang around for a while.
ANDY
They'll never see us in here anyway.
HE MOVES BACK IN, CLOSER TO HER. THERE IS A PAUSE, THEN THE RUSTLE OF
CLOTHING.
PRITAM
What are you doing, Andy?
ANDY
Well, I thought, seeing as we're here, we might as well ....
PRITAM
No.
ANDY
Drink worn off?
PRITAM
With a vengeance.
ANDY
Don't worry, I'm drunk enough for both of us.
HE PULLS HER TOWARDS HER, HIS HANDS MOVING DOWN HER BODY. HE IS JUST
ABOUT TO KISS HER WHEN RAJ AND GURDEV APPROACH FROM BEHIND. RAJ GRABS
PRITAM AND PULLS HER AWAY WHILE GURDEV LASHES OUT AT ANDY WHO CRUMPLES
TO THE GROUND. PRITAM SCREAMS.
RAJ
(KICKING AT ANDY)
You're a very bad girl, Pritam, a disgrace to the family.
PRITAM
Leave him alone!
GURDEV
(ALSO KICKING ANDY)
Look what you've done to this poor white boy.
PRITAM LOOKS DOWN AT ANDY'S BLOODIED FACE AND PULLS AWAY FROM RAJ TO
FALL OVER ANDY AND PROTECT HIM WITH HER BODY.
GURDEV TAKES A MOBILE PHONE FROM HIS POCKET AND PUNCHES NUMBERS.
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GURDEV
(INTO PHONE)
Unit One to Base .... mission accomplished.
RAJ PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HIM.
RAJ
Give me that !
(INTO PHONE)
Hullo, Mum ? We've got her.
HE GRABS PRITAM, HAULS HER UP, AND TRIES TO DRAG HER AWAY.
PRITAM
You can't just leave him here.
INT. ANDY'S FLAT (HALLWAY). NIGHT.
SHEENA AND CALUM ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, BOTH LOOKING A BIT WORSE
FOR WEAR AFTER THE NIGHT OUT. CALUM HOLDS UP HIS HAND FOR SILENCE AND
LISTENS INTENTLY.
CALUM
Post-coital silence, always a good sign.
SHEENA
Post-coital silence? What do you know?
CALUM
I know that my mate Andy has given Miss India a damn good Scottish seeing to, which is exactly what you need.
HE GRABS FOR HER, BUT SHE AVOIDS HIM.
SHEENA
Maybe so, but not from you. D'you want a coffee ?
CALUM
Aye. I'll get Andy up and he can give us the sordid details.
SHEENA
You're sick.
WE FOLLOW SHEENA THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN AS CALUM MAKES HIS WAY TO ANDY'S
DOOR. SHEENA BUSIES HERSELF WITH THE KETTLE AS WE HEAR CALUM KNOCKING
ON THE DOOR AND TRYING TO ROUSE ANDY.
CALUM
Hey, Mr Sex Machine, get your arse out here ! Come on, Andy, you must be done by now.
SHEENA
(SHOUTS)
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Oh, leave him alone !
CALUM ENTERS THE KITCHEN.
CALUM
(PUZZLED)
He's not there.
SHEENA
Maybe he just doesn't want to be disturbed.
CALUM
No, I went into his room, he's not there.
SHEENA
You went into his room? You know the rules.
CALUM
I wouldn't have looked at her, even if she was lying there, naked, with no clothes on.
SHEENA
And I suppose you'd feel just as entitled to barge into my room ?
CALUM
(SLYLY)
No, I spy on you in the bathroom.
SHEENA
So, where is he ?
CALUM
(GRINNING)
She'll have taken him back to her place. He'll be on to a curry as well as nookie, the lucky bastard.
EXT. RUPRAI HOUSE. NIGHT.
THE TRANSIT VAN PARKS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE AND GURDEV PULLS PRITAM OUT.
RAJ GOES TO THE BACK OF THE VAN WHERE ANDY IS CRUMPLED. HE THROWS HIM
OVER HIS SHOULDER AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR AS MR RUPRAI AND MRS RUPRAI COME OUT OF THE HOUSE. MRS RUPRAI IS WAVING HER HANDS, TRYING TO SHOO
THEM AWAY.
RAJ
Before you start, it was Gurdev that went over-the-top..
GURDEV
And she wouldn't leave him.
MR RUPRAI
This is a very bad thing. Maybe we should get a doctor ......
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MRS RUPRAI
No no, then there would be the police.
GURDEV
We could claim self-defence.
MR RUPRAI PRODS ANDY'S SCRAWNY FRAME.
MR RUPRAI
It would not stand up in court.
INT. RUPRAI HOUSE (LIVING ROOM). NIGHT.
RAJ CARRIES ANDY IN AND DUMPS HIM ON THE SOFA. THE OTHERS FOLLOW HIM
IN. GURDEV GRABS A KIRPAN (CURVED SWORD) FROM A DISPLAY ON THE WALL, AND ACTS OUT STRIKING ANDY.
GURDEV
We were enraged at the sight of him assaulting our sister. A red mist came over our eyes. We didn't know what we were doing. Any judge would believe that.
PRITAM
He wasn't assaulting me.
MR RUPRAI
That does not matter now. What do we do with him?
GURDEV
I'll get some Elastoplast.
GURDEV HANDS THE SWORD TO RAJ AND EXITS.
MR RUPRAI
Perhaps you can say you were being mugged, Pritam, and the boys saved you.
PRITAM
But it's not true.
MRS RUPRAI
She is a curse this one, she will do wrong every time except when we want her to.
GURDEV RETURNS WITH WATER AND ELASTOPLASTS. MR RUPRAI AND RAJ REMOVE
ANDY'S JACKET AND START TRYING TO PATCH HIM UP. AS HE COMES ROUND ANDY
SEES RAJ AND GURDEV AND RECOILS.
RAJ
Easy up, son, we're not going to smack you any more.
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ANDY
(PANICKED)
I never did anything. Honest ! Nothing happened !
MRS RUPRAI PULLS MR RUPRAI ASIDE.
MRS RUPRAI
The boy is scared, he might not say anything.
MR RUPRAI NODS IN CONTEMPLATION.
MR RUPRAI
Especially if he is even more scared.
HE TURNS BACK TO THE COUCH.
MR RUPRAI
(LOUD AND ANGRY)
You have dishonoured my daughter, you worthless scum
!
ANDY
No ! Listen, I'm her pal, we're at Uni together.
It was just a bit of fun.
MRS RUPRAI
So, my daughter is to be a bit of fun for you ?
ANDY
No ! No ! We were a wee bit drunk, that's all.
Things got slightly out of hand, but nothing happened, I swear on it.
PRITAM
Don't let them bully you, Andy.
MR RUPRAI
Quiet !
(CONCILIATORY)
We are not bullying you, are we ..... Andy ? We are only looking after our
daughter ... our only
daughter, who is young and innocent in the ways of the world.
RAJ AND GURDEV TRY NOT TO SMIRK.
MRS RUPRAI
You know her from university, you say.
ANDY
She's a pal of my flatmate, Sheena.
MRS RUPRAI
So you thought you would take advantage of her?
ANDY
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