SHEENA
It's okay, Calum, just leave him.
CALUM STRAIGHTENS HIMSELF AND PUSHES PAST SHEENA, BUT TURNS ROUND AT THE
DOOR.
CALUM
Right, Sabu, hitch up your elephants and let's get to the pub.
ANDY
Not for me, Calum, I've got prayers.
INT. GREIG HOUSE. DAY.
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THE HOUSE IS A MULTI-STOREY COUNCIL FLAT THAT HAS BEEN WELL-DECORATED
AND MAINTAINED, BUT RECENTLY HAS SUFFERED FROM NEGLECT. JIM IS SITTING
WITH THE TV ON, BUT WITH THE SOUND MUTED. SHEENA COMES THROUGH FROM THE
KITCHEN WITH TWO CUPS OF TEA AND A PLATE OF BISCUITS ON A TRAY, PLACES
THEM ON THE TABLE, AND SITS OPPOSITE JIM.
JIM
This is awfully kind of you, hen, especially as I'm not really sure who you are.
SHEENA
I told you, Mr Greig, my name's Sheena. I share a flat with Andy.
JIM
Are you the lassie he's marrying ? You don't look African.
SHEENA
Indian, Mr Greig, it's Indian.
JIM
Or one of them neither. They have a wee dot on their head.
(HE REACHES OUT AND POINTS)
Right there.
Plus they dance with their belly.
SHEENA CLOSES HER EYES AND TRIES NOT TO LAUGH.
ALASTAIR COMES IN AND DUMPS HIS CAMERA-BAG.
ALASTAIR
Christ, has everybody got a bird apart from me?
JIM
This is Sheena, she's in that flat with Andy.
ALASTAIR SLUMPS OUT ON AN ARMCHAIR.
SHEENA
I came to see your Dad because I'm worried about Andy getting married.
ALASTAIR
Oh aye. Big problem. Clash of cultures, all that shit.
SHEENA
I don't think he's acting rationally. Especially with changing his religion.
ALASTAIR
Strictly between me and you, I'm the only sane one in the family.
Anyway, you got a vested interest ?
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SHEENA
He's my friend. I care for him.
ALASTAIR
Well, he's my brother, and I'm going to make him a fortune.
EXT. PARK. DAY.
SHEENA AND PRITAM ARE STROLLING.
PRITAM
You panicked, that's all.
SHEENA
He's going for it, Pritam, big style. it's quite scary.
PRITAM
We set out to wind him up, we can't chuck it just because he's falling for it.
SHEENA
(DOUBTFUL)
I don't know.
PRITAM
It won't do him any harm. Trust me.
INT. THE FLAT. DAY.
ANDY IS SITTING CROSS-LEGGED ON THE FLOOR, MEDITATING. SHEENA IS CURLED
ON THE FLOOR, READING A BOOK. THE PHONE IN THE HALL RINGS AND SHEENA DASHES OFF TO ANSWER IT. SHE RETURNS QUICKLY.
SHEENA
Andy ! It's your brother, he's at the hospital ...
your Dad ...
ANDY JUMPS TO HIS FEET.
INT. HOSPITAL WARD. NIGHT.
JIM IS PROPPED UP IN A BED, HIS LEG IN PLASTER. ALASTAIR IS SITTING ON
THE EDGE OF IT. ANDY AND SHEENA COME RUSHING IN. ALASTAIR RISES TO
GREET THEM, HOLDING UP HIS HANDS FOR CALM.
ALASTAIR
It's okay, it's okay, he's just had a wee bit of a fall.
ANDY GOES STRAIGHT OVER TO HIS FATHER.
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ANDY
Are you all right, Dad ?
JIM
You know something, that fella Newton was right.
ALASTAIR
He's brand new. Just a couple of wee bruises. And a broken leg.
ANDY
What the hell were you up to ?
JIM
Home improvements! I need a hobby.
ALASTAIR
He fell off some step-ladders.
A DOCTOR COMES OVER TO THEM, CHECKING HIS NOTES.
DOCTOR
I think Mr Greig here needs some looking after for the next few weeks. And as the NHS can't afford it, I need volunteers.
ALASTAIR
I'm a freelance photographer, Doc, I'm all over the place.
THE DOCTOR LOOKS AT ANDY.
ANDY
I'll do it, I'll move back into the house.
INT. ANDY'S FLAT (FRONT DOOR). DAY.
THE DOORBELL RINGS AND CALUM GOES TO ANSWER IT. PRITAM IS STANDING
THERE, AND CALUM IS SURPRISED TO SEE HER.
PRITAM
Hi, Calum, Sheena in?
CALUM
No, she doesn't get in till six. Didn't she tell you?
PRITAM
Oh, yeah, shit, I forgot.
THEY BOTH STAND FOR A MOMENT, LOOKING AT EACH OTHER.
CALUM
You can wait. I've got beer in the fridge.
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PRITAM
A beer, yeah, that would be nice.
CALUM SMILES AND STANDS BACK.
CALUM
Come in then.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE. DAY.
JIM IS SITTING IN AN ARMCHAIR IN HIS LIVING ROOM, WATCHING TV AND READING A NEWSPAPER, HIS PLASTERED LEG RESTING ON A STOOL. ANDY FUSSES
ABOUT, PUTTING ITEMS WITHIN REACH OF HIS FATHER, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME
PACKING HIS SPORTS BAG WITH BOOKS. HIS STUBBLE IS NOW ALMOST BEARD-LENGTH AND HIS GROWING HAIR IS TIED BACK IN A PONY-TAIL. HE IS WEARING
A LOOSE INDIAN SHIRT.
JIM
Would you give it a rest!
ANDY
I just don't want you moving about while I'm out.
JIM
And what if I need the toilet?
ANDY STOPS DEAD.
ANDY
I'll get you a bucket.
JIM
Will you hell. Just move the telly and everything into the lavvy.
ANDY STARTS TO COMPLY THEN REALISES HIS DAD IS KIDDING.
ANDY
Tomorrow, Dad. I'll move you into the lavvy tomor-row. In the meantime, just keep a grip on it till I get back.
I'll be late, I've got studying.
JIM
University?
ANDY
Basic Punjabi.
HE PICKS UP HIS BAG, PATS HIS FATHER ON THE BACK AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
JIM
Have a nice day, Andy.
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EXT. BARRAS MARKET. DAY.
MR RUPRAI AND HIS SONS ARE DOING A BRISK BUSINESS SELLING CIGARETTES
UNDER THE GUISE OF SELLING CLOTHES. ANDY, STILL HAULING HIS BAG OF
BOOKS, TURNS UP EXHAUSTED, JUST AS THEY ARE STARTING TO CLOSE UP.
ANDY
Sorry, I'm late.
MR RUPRAI
No problem, you're just in time. All the work is in loading and unloading the van, the selling part is easy.
ANDY DROPS HIS BAG AND PITCHES IN WITH SHIFTING THE GEAR.
ANDY
I was meaning to speak to you about that, Mr Ruprai.
I don't really think you should be selling these cigarettes.
MR RUPRAI
Oh, don't worry, it's only the government that loses out.
ANDY
It's not just that it's illegal. More, I don't think it's right that you, as a Sikh ....
MR RUPRAI
Ho ho, will you listen to him, boys. Now the smoker is telling me how to ...
ANDY
I've stopped. Sikhs don't smoke.
THEY ALL DROP THE BOXES THEY ARE CARRYING AND LOOK AT HIM.
RAJ
Well, there goes my wedding present.
ANDY
If I'm going to be a Sikh I'm going to be a proper one.
MR RUPRAI
(WITH A STERN FACE)
Waheguru ji ka khalsa ...
RAJ/GURDEV
(INTONE)
Waheguru ji ki fateh.
ANDY
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(A BEAT BEHIND THEM)
Waheguru ji ki fateh.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE. DAY.
JIM IS STILL SITTING WITH HIS LEG PROPPED UP. ALASTAIR SITS ACROSS FROM
HIM. BOTH ARE NURSING DRINKS. THE OUTSIDE DOOR SLAMS AND ANDY STORMS
IN. HE THROWS A NEWSPAPER ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE.
ANDY
You bastard!
ALASTAIR
Calm down.
ANDY
This was important to me. It meant something.
Something I believed in, something I had to do.
JIM
It's okay, Andy.
ANDY
No, it's not okay. This greedy bastard has turned my beliefs into a sideshow.
ALASTAIR PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER AND PASSES IT TO JIM.
ALASTAIR
I checked the reporter's every word. Even the spelling.
ANDY
And gave him photographs of me.
JIM, HAVING SCANNED THE PAPER, PASSES IT TOWARDS ANDY.
JIM
Och give it a break, you come over the right wee hero, Andy.
ANDY GRABS THE PAPER AND QUICKLY LOOKS AT IT.
ANDY
You should have asked me. You're my brother.
ALASTAIR
No other newsman would have asked you; and nobody else would have made sure there wasn't a word of a lie in the piece.
ANDY FLINGS THE PAPER TO THE FLOOR.
ANDY
I'm not doing it for publicity.
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ALASTAIR
Why are you doing it then, Andy? Your wee pal Sheena seems to think you've lost your marbles.
ANDY JUMPS UP AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
ANDY
I'm doing it for love. And Sheena? She was mother-ing me while my mother was still alive.
INT. STUDENT PUB. NIGHT.
A TYPICAL WEST-END STUDENT PUB. IT IS EARLY AND NOT TOO BUSY. CALUM IS
STANDING ALONE AT THE BAR, SIPPING FROM A BOTTLE OF BEER.
PRITAM ENTERS, LOOKS AROUND, AND HEADS FOR CALUM.
PRITAM
Heyy, Cal.
CALUM LOOKS BEYOND HER.
CALUM
Where's Gandhi?
PRITAM
Stopped drinking too now.
PRITAM ROOTS ABOUT IN HER BAG.
CALUM
Shit! This was going to be our last big bevvy session before the exams.
PRITAM FINDS HER PURSE.
PRITAM
Want a beer?
CALUM LOOKS AT HER QUIZZICALLY.
PRITAM
I'll get drunk with you.
CALUM PAUSES, THEN SMILES.
CALUM
Okay!
(HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET)
Here, I'll get them.
INT. GURDWARA COMMITTEE ROOM. DAY.
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THE GURDWARA COMMITTEE, VENERABLE OLD BEARDED AND TURBANNED MEN, ARE
SEATED ON ONE SIDE OF A LONG TABLE. MASTER JASWANT, THE PRESIDENT, SITS
IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. IN FRONT OF THEM STANDS MR RUPRAI, LOOKING A LITTLE BEWILDERED.
MR RUPRAI
It is ridiculous, I am a businessman.
MASTER JASWANT
A Sikh businessman. You have no business dealing in tobacco.
MR RUPRAI
But everybody's doing it.
MASTER JASWANT
Everybody is not the future father-in-law of Greig Sahib.
MR RUPRAI
Greig Sahib? He is only a new boy.
MASTER JASWANT
He is our first convert in this country. And he will belong to our gurdwara, a great honour for us.
A great honour for you.
MR RUPRAI
What honour is there in being bankrupt?
MASTER JASWANT
What you are doing is also illegal.
NOW MR RUPRAI LOOKS A LITTLE CRESTFALLEN.
MR RUPRAI
What harm is there in ....
MASTER JASWANT
You bring our community into disrepute.
The Committee has decided, you must stop trading in tobacco products.
MR RUPRAI GLOWERS AND STOMPS OUT.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE. DAY.
JIM IS STILL PROPPED IN HIS ARMCHAIR, HOLDING COURT AS ALASTAIR AND ANDY
HAVE ANOTHER DING-DONG. ALASTAIR IS HOLDING A CONTRACT, WHICH HE HE IS
TRYING TO FORCE UNDER ANDY'S NOSE.
ALASTAIR
This is a good deal. You won't get a better one.
ANDY
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I'm not doing this for money.
ALASTAIR
Who cares!
JIM
There's nothing wrong with money, son. You've got to think of ....
ANDY
What about my self-respect? What's everybody going to think of me? They'll think I'm related to
Alastair, that I'll do anything for a bag full of gold.
ALASTAIR
Well, it's not exactly full.
JIM
I've checked the contract, Andy. There's nothing bad in it.
The TV company just want the exclusive rights to your baptism ceremony and they'll give you enough money to get you through university and set you up for getting married.
ALASTAIR
And I'm not taking a cut, so don't make me out to be some kind of greedy bastard.
ANDY
But, Alastair, you are.
JIM
Now, boys!
ANDY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LEAVES.
JIM
He won't go for it, Alastair, don't push it.
ALASTAIR
Aye, he's a stubborn wee shite. But I haven't played my last card yet.
INT. RUPRAI HOUSE. NIGHT.
THE RUPRAI MEN AND ANDY ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, EATING DINNER.
MR RUPRAI
Without the cigarettes we will be broke. You must speak to them, Andy.
ANDY
No, even the touching of tobacco is an abomination.
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THE OTHERS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, ROLLING THEIR EYES.
RAJ STIRS A SPOON IN THE THIN LENTIL DAHL HE IS EATING.
RAJ
And this grub, Andy. I need my meat, I'm fading away to a mountain.
ANDY
Meat pollutes the body.
PRITAM
(FROM THE HALL)
I'm off out!
ANDY LOOKS TOWARDS MR RUPRAI WHO WAVES HIS HAND DISMISSIVELY.
MR RUPRAI
She is your responsibility now.
ANDY STANDS UP.
EXT. RUPRAI HOUSE. NIGHT.
THE STREET IS RELATIVELY QUIET AND SILENT.
ANDY
(FROM HOUSE AND GROWING IN VOLUME)
Pritam! Pritam! Pritam!
PRITAM COMES FROM THE HOUSE, DRESSD IN JEANS AND A T-SHIRT, BUT CARRYING
A BAG. SHE WALKS OFF DOWN THE STREET AND ANDY APPEARS AT THE DOOR.
ANDY
(CHECKING WHAT HE'S SAYING FROM A
PHRASE-BOOK)
Mordkae ae!
CAPTION - 'COME BACK!'
PRITAM TURNS TO HIM.
PRITAM
I'm only going to the library!
SHE WALKS OFF.
INT. RUPRAI HOUSE. NIGHT.
THE RUPRAIS ARE STILL EATING, GURDEV GNAWING ON A PIE HE HAS PULLED FROM
HIS POCKET.
MR RUPRAI
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You should have killed him when you had the chance.
INT. CENTRAL STATION. NIGHT.
IN AN ALMOST CARBON-COPY OF THE PREVIOUS STATION SCENE A LOCAL TRAIN
PULLS IN AND PRITAM GETS OFF. WE FOLLOW HER THROUGH A THRONG OF SATURDAY NIGHT REVELLERS TO THE LADIES TOILETS. BUT THIS TIME IN THE CUBICLE SHE BEGINS STRIPPING OFF HER JEANS AND T-SHIRT AND CHANGING INTO AN
ELABORATE SARI WHICH SHE TAKES FROM HER BAG. SHE SHAKES HER HAIR LOOSE
FROM ITS PLAITS AND APPLIES MAKE-UP.
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. NIGHT.
A QUIET, CANDLE-LIT, AND FAIRLY EXCLUSIVE LITTLE RESTAURANT. STILL
MOSTLY EMPTY THIS EARLY IN THE EVENING. PRITAM APPEARS AT THE DOOR, STILL DRESSED STUNNINGLY, AND THE MAITRE'D TAKES HER COAT, HANGS IT AND
LEADS HER TO A TABLE. AT THE TABLE SITS CALUM, SUITED UP, GULPING WINE, BUT LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
EXT. GURDWARA. NIGHT.
ALASTAIR DRIVES UP IN A CAR, GETS OUT AND APPROACHES MASTER JASWANT WHO
IS STANDING ALONE AT THE DOOR TO THE TEMPLE.
ALASTAIR
I'm Alastair, the older brother.
MASTER JASWANT
Ah yes, Andy has told me about you. Jaswant Singh.
HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND WHICH ALASTAIR SHAKES.
ALASTAIR
Reason I phoned you was to get some matters clear.
The family have no objection to him changing his religion, but he's kind of young to be getting married.
MASTER JASWANT
I've found that marriage matures the young men enormously.
ALASTAIR
Still, he hasn't graduated from university yet. No job. No house. It'll be hard.
MASTER JASWANT
He will find the Sikh community very supportive.
ALASTAIR
Oh I've no doubts on that score.
Let me put my cards on the table, Master Jaswant, you're the president of this gur..gur ..
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MASTER JASWANT
Gurdwara.
ALASTAIR
Well, Mr President, I'm a freelance news photographer and I've got my finger on the media pulse.
There's going to be enormous interest from televi-sion, the newspapers, everybody, in the first Scots boy to become a Sikh.
MASTER JASWANT
That is understandable.
ALASTAIR
Interest equals publicity. Publicity for you, your faith, your temple.
MASTER JASWANT LOOKS SERIOUSLY INTERESTED.
ALASTAIR
Now Andy doesn't want to take any of the money that this interest will generate, he doesn't want to appear mercenary.
MASTER JASWANT
A good boy.
ALASTAIR
But I don't see why someone shouldn't benefit, if only to stop the whole event degenerating into a circus.
MASTER JASWANT
I don't follow you.
ALASTAIR PULLS THE CONTRACT FROM HIS POCKET.
ALASTAIR
The people I represent require exclusive access to your temple for the baptism ceremony. That means no other TV companies, newspapers, radio, nobody.
MASTER JASWANT
It isn't our policy to exclude people from the gurdwara.
ALASTAIR
In return for exclusive access we will pay a sub-stantial sum into the temple's bank account. This will ease the burden on the Sikh community if it requires to be supportive towards Andy, and will probably leave a healthy surplus.
MASTER JASWANT
Ahh, a bribe.
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ALASTAIR
No no, this is a straight commercial proposition.
Common practice in my business.
MASTER JASWANT
Let's stick with what I can understand, Alastair, a bribe.
HE TAKES THE CONTRACT AND BEGINS SCANNING IT.
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. NIGHT.
PRITAM AND CALUM ARE SEATED ACROSS THE TABLE. A FAIRLY PISSED CALUM IS
HAVING DIFFICULTY DEALING WITH HIS PASTA.
CALUM
I can't do sophistication. No teuchter can. It goes against the grain.
PRITAM
You're doing fine.
CALUM
Don't patronise me. I may be poor but I have my pride ... drunk though it may be.
PRITAM
Oh, listen to 'sorry for me'. I'm no different from you.
CALUM
Oh yes you are. You are incredibly beautiful, and beautiful people can get away with things that we mortals can't.
PRITAM
What do you want to get away with?
CALUM
Paying, hopefully.
PRITAM
Is that all?
CALUM
You are a temptress ... and my best pal's fiancee.
PRITAM
Am I?
INT. THE FLAT. NIGHT.
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IN HIS ROOM ANDY IS PACKING THE LAST OF HIS THINGS. SHEENA STANDS, LEANING AGAINST THE DOORPOST. THERE IS AN AMUSED GRIN ON HER FACE.
SHEENA
So, you're actually going through with it.
ANDY
Did you think I wouldn't? I think I've finally found what I was looking for, Sheena. And it's all down to you. If you hadn't introduced me to Pritam, this would never have happened.
HE COMES OVER AND PUTS HIS HANDS ON HER SHOULDERS, BEFORE KISSING HER
CHASTELY ON THE FOREHEAD. HE TURNS AWAY AS SHEENA TRIES DESPERATELY TO
CONTAIN HER LAUGHTER.
INT. PUB. NIGHT
MR RUPRAI AND HIS SONS ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WITH PINTS OF LAGER.
ALASTAIR ENTERS AND JOINS THEM.
MR RUPRAI
I cannot permit your brother to marry my daughter.
ALASTAIR
Oh aye.
MR RUPRAI
He is ruining me .. my family.
ALASTAIR
The pot's empty, Mr Ruprai. I've signed a big chunk over to your temple.
MR RUPRAI
That doesn't help me, they won't let me sell cigarettes.
ALASTAIR
I heard. Can you not sell something else?
MR RUPRAI
With no wedding, there is no story. No story, no money.
ALASTAIR
Fair point.
MR RUPRAI
We must have a new business.
ALASTAIR
That's a bit out of my league. But I've got con-tacts, I could maybe sort you out with jobs in the meantime.
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(LOOKS AT MR RUPRAI)
Well, the lads, at least.
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. NIGHT.
THE RESTAURANT IS BUSIER NOW. PRITAM AND CALUM HAVE FINISHED THEIR MEAL
AND ARE SIPPING COFFEES AND CALUM SEEMS MUCH MORE SOBER. THEY LEAN
TOWARDS EACH OTHER OVER THE TABLE, THEIR HEADS ALMOST TOUCHING.
CALUM
(WHISPERING)
We shouldn't be doing this.
PRITAM
Doing what? We're pals, eating out.
CALUM
You know how I feel about you.
PRITAM
Do I?
CALUM
Don't tease me. Andy's my pal, what are you doing here with me?
PRITAM
You're a fun guy, I enjoy your company.
CALUM
You don't understand how you make me feel.
PRITAM
Don't I? I'm human too.
CALUM
Human's dangerous.
PRITAM
Maybe I like danger.
INT. ANDY'S FLAT (LIVING ROOM). DAY.
LOUD MUSIC IS BLARING FROM THE STEREO. PRITAM AND CALUM ARE ON THE
SOFA, DRINKING BEER, LOOKING AT MAGAZINES AND LAUGHING THEIR HEADS OFF.
SHEENA COMES IN AND STANDS FOR A MOMENT, TAKING IT IN. CALUM JUMPS UP
AND TURNS DOWN THE MUSIC.
PRITAM PUTS HER CAN DOWN AND GETS UP SMOOTHLY.
PRITAM
Sheena, Hi! Got a minute for a chat?
THEY GO THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN, LEAVING CALUM BEHIND.
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PRITAM
I think we can put our boy out of his misery now.
SHEENA
I'm not so sure, why should we deny him what he so obviously needs.
PRITAM
Hey, I'm not here to satisfy anybody's needs.
SHEENA
I wasn't thinking of you. You and Calum are obviously getting it together.
PRITAM SMILES WICKEDLY.
PRIT