CHAPTER 12
The journey home, I’m saying home, it feels like home to me, was full of girlie laughter, the occasional embarrassing one liners from Elly’s mum, regarding Elly, which were very funny and Elly took them pretty well. We both knew how funny Elly’s mum could be, although it was at Elly’ expense, it was pure gold to hear such innocent and endearing banter, from a woman of seventy two years old, with a mind of a teenager, along with looks of a young woman, can’t be bad, it must be the Spanish genes or the Mofongo they eat.
We dropped Elly’s mum back at her house, where we were asked to come in and have a coffee, but Elly was quick to say, “mum we will see you tomorrow, Shar is tired, she needs to unpack and settle in her new home”, my new home, this was music to my ears. Elly was thinking of my feelings constantly and realised, that although the offer of a coffee with mum, actually meant the whole family and “the family”, were also huge, hey they are Puetro Rican, what do you expect, family is an integral part of Spanish life and this for me, was the sense of being a part of this wonderful congregation of people. So, although an inviting gesture by Elly’s mum, Elly paced my introduction into the fold, so to speak. Elly’s mum seemed deflated, so I jumped in with, “Alicia, can I come and see you tomorrow for lunch please ?”, with this Elly’s mum, beamed, she replied, “oh Shar, that would be great, what time ?, so I can prepare lunch for you”, Elly and I looked at each other and I replied, “how about 2pm, would that be good for you ?”, with this, Alicia came bounding towards me, hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek, she replied, “oh yes, see you then, do you want mofongo ?” with a beaming smile, I replied, “of course, yes please, oh could I have rice and beans also please ?”, Elly’s mum was in heaven, she lived to cook and make others happy. I too, was trying to make Alicia happy, by acknowledging, that although we were leaving her right now, that tomorrow she would see us and have a purpose to yet again, make someone happy, I felt it was my mum in front of me. I had at that moment, an explosion of happiness and well being, safety in surroundings so new, yet felt like home. With this, we left Elly’s mum and went home, a huge trailer, nestled in a rural park, right next to the Hudson river, oh my life, I was experiencing yet again, an overwhelming sense of, too good to be true, but it was as real as the air I was breathing.
Elly could see that I was filled with joy and sheer contentment, even though I continued to welcome the whole new bundle of oncoming differences, smells, surroundings and warmth of all that was about to change the rest of my life.
We spent the remainder of the day, unpacking my cases, eating, laughing, watching the tv, talking like there was no tomorrow, listening to music, then when dusk came, we went outside in the modest garden and stood right by the Hudson river, the sounds of crickets along with the flashes of the glow bugs, created a fitting end to a long but incredible day, it truly set the stage for the start of my new life, here with Elly.
The next morning, I woke up first, taking a few seconds to realise where I was, re-adjusting to my surroundings and most importantly, Elly next to me, who may I add looked snug, with her long black hair, basically, all over the show, it made me smile verging on a laugh out loud moment. It wasn’t the romantic staging you would imagine nor of a set off a Hollywood, but it simply was Elly and that alone was enough for me, to snuggle up to her and gradually wake up relaxed, to spend yet another precious day with Elly.
After about twenty minutes, Elly began to stir, she turned her body towards me and put her arm around me, rubbing her tired eye’s as to clear them, with this she smiled and said, “good morning lady Shar”, I replied, “good morning Elly”, we both chuckled like children, nestling our heads together and kissing each other. No words were spoken for another five minutes, it seemed no words were necessary, as we both seemed to understand the grandeur of the whole situation in it’s entirety. That day was to be the first of many, basically the same, with the exception of Elly’s work and college study.
Two days later, came that huge difference for us both. I had no idea of the extent, to which our lives would have to adhere to such a set routine, I was perhaps not thinking of the fact, that real life would effect the dynamics of our relationship and I was trying to remain in cloud cuckoo land. Elly had to return to work, she had used her leave days up, with the arrival of a crazy romantic English woman, besotted with an American woman, this was to be a test of my inner strength and independent character, to adjust with haste, as there was no trial run, Elly had to go to work and was also scheduled in to college straight after work, therefore, she left at 8am and returned home at 4.30pm, grabbed a snack and left for college at 5pm, returning home at 9pm. This was for me, a pull on my inner resources, physically, mentally and emotionally, in a country where I was so far away from my mum, family and friends, what the hell was I going to do.
Elly and I had spoke about this many times and I realised the importance of her study, as Elly wished to become a Social Worker, therefore, her assignments were long and heavy, I knew the work load was a huge ask for anyone, but I realised the extent of how time consuming course work can be, as I too worked full time along with a three year course, so the demands were high. I felt our situation was going to be challenging, yet I fully understood the importance of supporting Elly, to achieve her goal and sacrifices had to be made, in order for Elly to be successful and gain all the qualifications required.
It was initially working really well, I would kiss Elly goodbye as she left for work each day, it was a long day, 8am until 4.30pm, then forty five minutes at home with me, then about turn and out again for college until 9pm. Elly’s college nights were only Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night, which were pretty lonely at times for me, but hey those sacrifices had to be made.
I had a plan of action in place, where I needed a job, financially I was ok for a about 6 months, this was part of the plan, that I would have time to find a job, any job at all, as long as I could find a company or business to support my sponsorship in to the USA, in addition, I had already applied for my visa to stay in America, where I filled in a huge amount of forms, had witness signatures, photographs, collating documentation to support my application and in constant contact with the appropriate offices, so I was updated every other day.
So whilst Elly was working hard each day and juggling her college three nights a week, I too, had work to do.
Each day I had an action plan, what I was going to do, where I was going to go, mindful of the fact, I had no idea how to get from A to B, nor familiar with the roads, driving on the right hand side was not a problem nor being a left hand drive car, so driving not a problem, getting to my destination, was another puzzle, but once again, a challenge and an adventure, well more of a, “oh my Lord moment” really. Nothing seemed to phase me, I was a confident person, who faced opportunity and new angles of life in my stride, I always per planned my next moves, with regards to the unknown, each day is different, adapting to all situations and making the right choices, well try to anyway. I maintained, if you make an A plan, then this is your first choice, if the A plan, doesn’t go how you would like it, have a back up B plan, at least then, you have two shots at the goal, if they both fail, perhaps re-think your path, if in doubt, let it go, as perhaps it wasn’t meant to be in the first place. Oh I’m rambling and giving you a lecture in life choices, little did I know, that my philosophy lesson, was about to come to fruition.
My days were long, where I spent them, listening to music as I cleaned the trailer from one end to the other. I prepared a cooked meal every day, ready for Elly when she arrived back from work, I even varnished the outside decking, which looked pretty good, if I say so myself, I mowed the lawn area, I altered the curtain lengths, purchased new nets, took trips to Home Depot diy store, where I picked up a new air conditioner for the bedroom, in addition, a fly door shield, a cute hedgehog, oh not a real one ofcousre, a trellis for the bottom of the garden, new plants, oh the list goes on. These items were over a period of two weeks, it gave me the excuse to get out and have some fresh air and keep topped up on my driving and location. In between my shopping trips, I scoured the local papers and job magazines for work, I went on the internet also, where I scrolled down the 100’s of posts available. I applied each day for two weeks, roughly around fifty jobs in total, I was so committed to finding a job, irrespective of the intense time and effort it took. Now I had to wait in hope, that out of the huge number of applications I had made, there would be at least one, just one, that would employ me and give me a chance. I had even prepared to purchase a car in readiness of a new job. I hoped that even just one response would offer me an interview, this then would be a start, where I could gain confidence and experience.
I haven’t mentioned in all of this frenzied activity, two months had passed by and to be honest, the days had flown past, with Elly working, college commitments, me as the domesticated and faithful housewife, frantically trying to get a job, our relationship was full on, of us, eating out with friends, family dinners, Elly’s mum looking after me with her wonderful cooking and wise advise, visiting New York City, nights out, my daily trip to the village, driving around the area, familiarising myself with my home environment, it was simply a joy, but our wonderful relationship began to change.
I noticed during the following months significant changes in Elly, she seemed so preoccupied in thought, I put this down to her work load and did my best to make life easier for her. However, Elly was coming in late from work, her reasons for this, stock taking and late customers. The trips to the liquor store were often, not every day but a few times a week, being mindful, it was a three litre box of wine each time, which was consumed in no time, in fact, if Elly ran out of her wine, she would get in the car and go and get more, bearing in mind Elly only drank at night. Her demena was bordering on chauvinistic towards me, our wonderful conversations became less and Elly showed little attentiveness towards anything to do with us. Again, I put this behaviour, well some of it, down to her work load and perhaps the plentiful wine, eased her anxiety of hours she had to endure, to get the qualifications she needed.
I even helped with her course work, infarct I wrote many pages of Elly’s college work for her, on many occasions, as she had to complete specific modules each week. I knew she was tight for time, so I asked if it would help if I did it for her, she said, “ sure, it will give you something to do”. Elly’s response felt cold, yet again, I passed it off due to the pressure she was under.
Another week passed, I had no replies from any of the jobs I had applied for, but still hopeful I would at least get one or maybe two. I began to think Elly’s behaviour maybe be because I had no job and she was worried about this, but I was still paying the bills, buying anything that we needed, with my own money, so there was no financial worries. In fact, I personally thought, we were more than comfortable and shared everything together as equals.
Elly’s behaviour seemed to become even more of a problem, I tried to talk with her, but she insisted all was ok, Elly explained, her down time was a glass of wine or three and engross herself in the tv, shutting out all around her, this included me also, I was part of that shutting down, I felt so lonely and isolated, again I tried to talk with Elly, but her state of mind was not in any mood to rationally respond.
On the many nights the wine had taken its toll on Elly, we would both go to bed, but as I was in the bathroom, Elly would come in sometimes, dreary eyed with a drunken smirk on her face, she would come up behind me heavily smelling of alcohol and her breathe so stale, it turned my stomach, I would be gentle and try to laugh it off by saying things like, “get your paws off me”, or turn to her face on, where she would slump on to me, then I would stumble with her to the bedroom, knowing fine well she would collapse as soon as her head hit the pillow, how she ever got up for work so sprightly, I really don’t know. There were times also, when Elly would pinch me, they weren’t cheeky endearing pinches, they were hurtful and mean. I realised at this stage, the relationship I had hoped for and the life I had prepared to have with Elly, was crumbling and fast.
This particular day, after one of the drunken shut down’s of Elly’s, I had to talk with her and talk until we had reached a point, that all this had to stop. We weren’t the same people, I had changed my perception of Elly, which I didn’t like, I was not the optimistic and hopeless romantic that stepped on to New York soil, I was an isolated wreck, who despite all the efforts, sacrifices and excuses I had made, they were making no impact on Elly and our relationship.
Elly listened intently at what I had to say, I was yet again trying so hard to be diplomatic, as not to hurt Elly, mmm hurt Elly, I was the one who had placed so much on the line, I wanted to help Elly with her busy work load, be a supportive partner, take the domestic and everyday boring bits away from Elly, I loved her, listened to her, cared for her and most of all generated so much ease to her life, so Elly could breeze in and out from home, with simply work and study in her life. I was forgetting in all the emotional turmoil, to look after me. I did pour my heart to Elly this day and even when I did, although I felt Elly was listening, her expression split periodically somewhere else and I had no idea where. I waited for Elly to respond and again, although Elly was saying the right things and vowing to make changes, I wasn’t convinced. I couldn’t put my finger on it at all right then. Elly apologized for her work load, but why apologize for something I already knew was a part of her life, Elly also acknowledged she needed to time manage her life with me, not around me and how important it was, we both spent more time together. I smiled at her proposal, but yet again, I wasn’t comfortable with her intentions.
There seemed to be an underline issue, that I needed to explore within me, I felt Elly was keeping something to herself and even though our long talk together, I still remained uncomfortable.
That same day, Elly and I decided to go out to eat and shop. I felt it was a decisive attempt by Elly, to win over the day and camouflage the deep rooted issue, which Elly chose not to discuss with me. I even questioned myself, wondering, if it was my imagination due to my insecurity at this time, was I the one who was making this bigger than it really was. I embraced the day and days after this, trying hard to think rationally and see the changes in Elly, which may I say, did begin to happen. Elly calmed her drinking, her conversation was beginning to be more varied, we began to go out a little more, meeting friends, socializing and having some fun. Intimacy with Elly was how can I say, well bottom line, unromantic, more of a chore, not the attentive soft love making to when we first met. When Elly and I hugged, it felt distant, when we kissed, Elly was quick to pull away. It really wasn’t in my imagination now, it was becoming a smoke screen of something or someone, which changed the whole dynamics of our relationship.
A few days later, I had this compelling urge to explore the past few months, where our relationship had become one big mess basically. I realised that I was a woman on her own, thirteen hours for three days, ten hours for two days and the remainder of the week, with Elly, only in body. There was no emotional, soulful or mindful Elly anymore, Elly was elsewhere and certainly not with me.
You could say, I had too much time on my hands and you are right I did, but thank the Lord I did, as the following two weeks would be one of the most traumatic and saddest moments of my life.
It was Elly’s suggestion, that this specific week, I should have the car to explore more and attend the two interviews I had managed to arrange. They were not my choice of post but never the less, two jobs I knew I was more than qualified to do and potentially earn money. Having the use of the car, couldn’t have come at a better time. I asked Elly how she would get home and she said, “no worries, I’ll grab a lift from a friend”. Elly was not particularly interested in the interview’s I had landed , but showed enough enthusiasm to make herself feel a show of support.
I drove Elly to work each morning and used the car for both interview’s, which I didn’t accept either of them, as they were commission based post’s, not a secure salary as I had hoped for and to be honest, I wasn’t going to take either of the jobs, as I had more important issues right now, that I had to get to the bottom off.
Having the car was the most crucial tool I had, to enable me to find this nagging component, which was haunting the very essence of a normal life with Elly.
Each day, I drove to where Elly worked, around the time her day ended, where I would park the car some distance from where she would come out. On the Monday evening, Elly got in to her friends car and sure enough came straight home. I took the short cut home, arriving back before Elly would with her friend. Tuesday evening, the same again, Elly arrived home safe and sound. Wednesday evening, well, this was a different scenario, who do I see picking Elly up, only her very close friend Katy, a strange occurrence as Elly never mentioned to me that Katy was picking her up. This time I followed them, some way back of course, so that I wouldn’t be noticed hopefully, I wasn’t even nervous, I felt a sad yet inevitable conclusion, I was in actual fact, feeling a sense of relief at this very moment, an answer to the millions of questions running through my head. The car pulled in to a well known national park in the area, where the scenery is beautiful, a lake and peaceful picnic areas, where Katy’s car stopped. My heart too for one second stopped also, I knew straight away without any doubt in my mind, that Elly and Katy were more than just close friends. I was in a position above them on a hill, where I was secluded enough not to be seen, but close enough to observe the next twenty minutes of intense heartache. Sure enough, an exhibition of two people, embracing each other, kissing like there was no tomorrow, the exchange of touching and caressing between them both, was too much to bare. I had seen enough, I began to cry, my tears blurring my vision, I wiped them as best I could, only to see through the rivers of my tears, Elly and Katy remaining locked in each others embrace.
Although I wanted to drive away, I needed to see where they both went next, I turned the car around, literally on a sixpence or even a dime, I had to be prepared for when Elly decided to leave for home.
As I turned the car around, Katy’s car had already started to leave the area, I could see the car in the distance, so I slowly kept back from Katy’s car and stayed with them. Katy’s car was heading back towards our home, along the straight, so I had to be further back, as Elly would for sure, recognise her own car behind. As our cars got closer to our home, Katy’s car stopped, I too came to a halt and Elly got out of the car but not before leaning towards Katy and kissing her passionately. Elly closed the car door, waved to Katy with a hand gesture on her left chest, as to say, I love you.
At this stage I felt sick, I slumped back in my seat, staring at Elly, as she began to walk the rest of her loved up journey home.
Now for my entrance, how do I handle this one, where the hell do I begin.
I pulled up outside the trailer, where for a few seconds, not even a minute, I had to compose myself and try very hard to think quickly, how I was to approach all of this nightmare, that had just unfolded right in front of my eye’s. My time slot was up, no time to think right now. I got out of the car, to be greeted with open arms by Elly, she was so over the top, the Elly I knew from recent times, was all of a sudden the warm, nice, loving Elly, in actual fact, the one I first met. I too embraced the situation, smiling like a love sick kid, acting the part, so that Elly would not realise, that I had just witnessed the ultimate betrayal.
That night was full of laughs and warmth, I saw a different Elly, the one I had met at the start. I played along as though nothing had happened and to my amazement, I soaked up all of Elly, what I mean is, I held on to the way Elly was with me right then, it made me happy in a bizarre way, when really I wanted to burst with emotion and disappointment, yet I remained calm and accepting of it all, as I knew tomorrow was going to be another day.
We went to bed as usual and due to the moment of Elly’s wonderful mood, we made love. Again, pretty bizarre and un-rational in the circumstances, but deep down, although the experience was in my head staged, I still felt a sense of, “one last time”. A crazy thought pattern I know, but I loved Elly and thought that maybe I could place something inside her head, which would make her realise, I was the one she loved and wanted to be with. Again, it really is not naivety, I felt so desperate to hold on to us.
That morning, Elly went to work as usual, she was still in a great mood, hey she would be, she had me, the English housekeeper with financial backing and the mistress, who kept her topped up with excitement and secrecy, what more could she ask for.
I kissed Elly goodbye, looking in to those dark, deep brown eye’s, knowing the truth behind her deceit and betrayal. Once again, I smoothed over the pain I felt inside, by showing Elly, all was well. Elly left and I was alone.
It took me all of twenty minutes to decide what to do and I really needed help. I had invested everything in to this relationship, emotionally, mentally and financially, but I always had my b plan, oh yes, throughout my life, the b plan is a back up contingency, where if, an unlikely event occurs, I am able to re-group and take another path without too much disruption.
I made a phone call to the most trusted friend I had, this was Becky my ex partner. Our friendship was a blessing in disguise, a shame of course, we didn’t make it as partners, but never the less, Becky and I remained best friends and this was more valuable than our broken relationship.
I made the transatlantic call to Becky, where she answered straight away. Becky knew by the tone of my voice, there was something not right, I explained the whole story as it was, where Becky being Becky, reacted not too well, a few choice words were literally shouted down the phone, where I actually smiled, as it felt so comforting, Becky understood in her own way, the extent of what was going on, she realised the seriousness of my words, understanding I had no familiar back up. Becky and Lauren, would be with me within two weeks, thank God.
After a one and half hour telephone call, thank goodness for phone cards, the stage was set, to make my quiet but strategic exit. It all sounds pretty clinical I know, but believe me, I was terrified of the prospect of feeling a fool, losing Elly and changing my life all over again, what a fool to believe I could have had so much love and begin a new life, so far away with a woman who I thought truly loved me.
The following two weeks were, tense to say the least, mentally I was so alert, yet my heart was so sad. I asked Elly if it would be ok if Becky and Lauren could visit us for a week, to my surprise, Elly jumped at the prospect of seeing them both again. This was a breakthrough, as stage one went in to effect. I rang Becky and sure enough, the flights were booked that day, Becky was coming to stay, where New York was going to be painted red for one week only.
Elly continued to be up beat, let’s face it, she would be, her secret rendezvous was becoming a regular occurrence. Elly didn’t have a clue I knew anything, nor of my intentions, which although I felt at times just as bad as Elly, I couldn’t bring myself to discuss the situation and to be open with Elly. I had gone through so much, the drinking, odd pinching times, lack of attentiveness, no warmth, lack of conversation, ignorance, meaningless intimacy, taken for granted, but to mention a few and most of all, betrayal. It was enough for me to realise, Elly was not the person I had met and to be fair, perhaps I was not the person for Elly, but I would never had made the most monumental step that I had, if I knew Elly was going to be unfaithful. I had made a huge commitment, I wouldn’t dream of looking at another person, I am a faithful person, I’m not perfect by far, but I have and always will be faithful to a partner, it is one part of me, that I believe is a must.
It was a sad and gut wrenching few days, I had placed so much faith in Elly, only to be used for the sole purpose it seemed, for financial support, with the added, as and when I was required. I was surrounded with so much sadness, yet for want of a better word, calculated planning, began to take it’s toll on me, I forced myself to push through each day until Becky arrived, knowing Elly remained up beat and secretly visiting Kate, yes Kate, the woman who seemed to have what it takes to attract Elly away from me. I was bursting with frustration, but no anger. I questioned myself over and over again, where is my anger, the emotion which builds, where you confront the person or situation, in order to vent your facts and views, or make them try to understand how hurt you really are, or even in some cases, show you care so much for them, what they are doing, is not right.
No, I felt no anger, I had exhausted trying with Elly, I was done and because of this, I had nothing left to give nor be angry about, I had lost Elly, my home and a future in America.
There was one thing in my life though, that actually was the most important, my mum. I was supported by my best friend, sister, other family members and friends, but my mum was my mentor. My mum taught me many things, along with an emotion called love, well she taught me a lot of things, to which like most, I still did them my way of course, but love is a huge emotion I treasure, perhaps I wore my heart on my sleeve too much, which resulted in my downfall, yet I channeled so much more than love with Elly, I simply have to retreat and accept that I am not the woman for Elly.
The day had arrived, where Becky’s plane was arriving in JFK airport in one hour, inside, I felt ecstatic, excited, apprehensive, tense, happy and most of all, I was granted parole, my release was immanent, dramatic I know, but believe me, although the sentence was short, it really felt like a life time. It really was for the latter part of our relationship an endurance test, a part of my life that I didn’t want to repeat ever again. I was a woman who was forty something, who had established her career, became financially stable, fell for an American woman, took a leap of faith, channeled all she had in to this one woman, only to be reduced to nothing, I really mean nothing, no job, no home, no partner and no future. I had a B plan, remember I always have a back up, I felt it was a sensible part of my make up, always think, if the first path you take is a dead end, take another, thank the Lord, I had some sense to do this.
Elly and I got in the car and drove to pick up Becky with Lauren. The journey was about thirty minutes, maybe a little more due to traffic, where the conversation was lighthearted, funny and so false. There was me covering the inevitable plan and Elly with her deep rooted secret. This next week was going to be a test of the strongest, how I was going to do this, was anybodies guess.
As the huge double doors at the arrivals gate opened, a beam of light burst through them, this light was the smile of my best friend Becky. Becky’s smile was the most endearing welcome I had experienced in a while, I felt safe again, I knew that my life would be happy again, that she was here to take me home where I belong. The feelings I had at this very moment, over spilled when I ran to Becky and flung my arms around her, holding her so tight and whispering, “thank you for coming to get me”, she replied, “your safe now, I’m bringing you home”. With this, I went over to Lauren and hugged her too, she after all, had made this journey with Becky and I felt thankful to Lauren also.
Elly waited until the hugs had finished and Becky went to Elly, hugging her tightly, smiling away, joking around as Becky does. Becky in actual fact meant the tight hug, I mean non of Becky’s endearing ways with Elly were false, she genuinely cared for Elly but realised that her involvement, was delicate and although she knew the extent of the situation, she was being courteous to Elly for inviting them over to stay with us. I genuinely wanted the next week to be an eventful one, I mean, fun for Becky and Lauren, they had taken their holiday allocation and were going to spend a lot of money, therefore, this was going to be a holiday of a lifetime.
The following days ahead, were full of fun, conversation, laughs, as though no issues were apparent at all. Even Becky said to me, she couldn’t believe the situation was so bad and she saw no indications from Elly, that would suggest otherwise. Elly was charming and full of fun, a far cry from what I had experienced, just for a moment I felt such a fraud, Elly was back to the person I had met, Becky and Lauren were seeing the original Elly, not the two timing, lying, drunken woman, but to mention a few, that I had endured all this time.