CHAPTER 2
It was one day in October 92, I cant for the life of me remember the exact date, its funny I should have done, seeing as it was the start of a new turn in my life, a part that slotted in to position at a time where I can reflect now, a breathe of fresh air, where the attention I was longing for and a per occupation away from the negativity of the last 3 years.
I was on line, you know that flat screen with a key board, the one that brought all the attention and heartache in he first place, yes the internet, where you click here, you click there and arrive at the chat rooms, the one where there is a mine field of Lesbians, looking for love, friendship, lust, lies and deceit. Why did I do it, well I regard myself as a sensible, trusting and truthful person. You would think this loving and truthful person was far from sensible and entering everything she had fought against but I thought I could change people’s views maybe, was the naivety setting in again, no it wasn’t I honestly believed I could genuinely seek friendship, someone non judgmental and I could relate to although through a screen.
Becky, whom I still regarded as my partner, in fact we both were still pursuing our relationship, yet we were hoping and praying for a miracle to happen and possibly to erase the past, of course not, but we were together and the love was holding the last strands of what we held in common.
Becky knew my need to have some form of release, after all what could she do or say to keep me away from this beast which lured her away from me in the first place, to extreme distraction.
I logged on and not to my surprise had a hit of many women, as you do, well you do it’s the norm, desperate to chat and make that crucial contact with potential pray.
It is said, out of all the clubs and bars and in this case screens, you walk in to mine. Out of the flashing hits of women, I chose and clicked one, just one. Oh my, was I in for a blast and total turn around in my life, a corridor of bright lights and enticing invitations, I wasn’t about to turn down, I was intrigued and certainly hooked.
Towards the end of our break up, the tension was so high from Becky, for me it was many anxious moments, accommodating her erratic moods and indecision’s of what she wanted and the realization of the break up.
We talked, we argued, I tried so hard again to calm the situation and plead with her to keep hold of and treasure what was important and that was the love we still had deep down for each other.
After long and draining discussions and a clear path of deciding who was walking away with what, the final chapter of us was to close.
It was agreed I kept the business and Becky moved out with our son, whom for a 14 year old, seemed to be taking it in his stride, we knew deep down although he was experiencing our break up and signs of excitement to move in another home, he really was suppressing his real feelings, he dealt with the situation very well, I was very proud of him.
I could not run the business alone and as business partners, Becky now , was the best around, we worked as a great team, hence why the business was so successful.
For a further one year and a half, we worked together on a part time basis and it felt so serile, a platonic and for once a fantastic partnership without the pressures of the relationship, the crazy part was we were still in love.
I was living alone, I felt lonely, isolated and the reality of beginning a new life was terrifying. I knew it was the only way forward even though I still missed her and thought could it change, could we re kindle the relationship using the love we had for each other to build and strengthen us.
This was always in my mind and heart but as our relationship had meaningful and deep reasons for our split, I had no choice but to end the misery for both of us.
Well my loneliness became a tool to prompt me to take advantage of my spare time, I worked hard during the day and maintained a successful business, even though it was somewhat on a smaller scale, relying on Becky for support in the peak business times, which she did willingly and with dedication, she was incredible.
As I said earlier, this corridor of bright lights, was about to illuminate the next chapter in my life and it was an encounter, which blew my mind, it took me half way around the world and back……..
Ok, I turned my sole attention in the evening to the dreaded net, I mean the internet, well what I mean to say is erm, erm, lesbian chat rooms. I sound embarrassed, I’m not but lets face it, was that not the devil in disguise, the answer now ……yes, then……no, I was somehow excited, I felt freedom from guilt because I was after all, single and could explore without question, even though I remained in love with my ex partner, I was scared, so many emotions were surging through my heart and mind, I even trembled at the thought of pressing the keys of the keyboard but guess what, I did…….so here goes…….
I’ll cut to the quick, picture this, a house with 11 bedrooms, 4 storey, 4 other rooms and I am alone.
I am in the lounge with a mug of tea, dim light, lovely and warm and a bright square screen in front of me, I was ready to enter the labyrinth and walk straight into a world of mystery, lure, entice, unknown, pretense, a number, a world I could get lost and forget my pain and everything around me, in effect an escape, a release to explore without question.
I clicked on the lesbian chat and oh my life, I was hit instantly, it felt good, I had a buzz, my adrenalin was rushing big style, for a brief moment I went deaf, you know that ringing in your ears and your head starts to pulsate franticly. I sat back in the chair and waited until I calmed down, calmed down I was buzzing and terrified all rolled in to one.
I typed my very first words, which were, “hi how r u”, so common, so original…not….but hey I’m new to this.
Oh my life, I had a reply, “hi I’m good, where r u from”.
I was not that naive, I was careful and replied “I’m from the UK, and u”.
The conversation went on for about 15 minutes, it was light refreshing chat and so normal, I felt great and then the next question was “so r u good in bed”, mmmmm……not what I expected, oops, I had to make a quick exit, I replied “sorry not my conversation type, take care good bye”, I was so polite, but I owed this person nothing and it was simply an intrusion on my privacy, who the hell was I kidding, I was the one who clicked to chat and opened myself up to an influx of unknown and bizarre questions, what did I expect, to be honest I was not that naive to understand anything goes, it was simply the content of the conversation, not what I was looking for.
I then became cautious and toying in my head, with the fact, should I just stop now and go to bed, it really was late, I could sleep for England. I went to switch off the PC and stopped, hovering over my little mouse the little clicker which determined whether I was to quit or carry on, I took a sip of my tea and paused just briefly.
It was late but you know what, I clicked my little mouse, my one and only friend this night, well it was my friend for sometime, as I used and abused it for the next few months, simply to engage in spare time frivolity, which then that was all it was.
I went to bed eventually after chatting to numerous anonymous people, whom I hadn’t a clue who they were, where they were from or why they were chatting, even though they told me, was it true, well I would never know but it was clear to see I was not the only one typing away, lonely and reaching out to exchange chit chat simply to escape from whatever their issues may or may not be.
The following day was like every other day, a routine which involved making sure my business was running as smooth as possible and ensuring I didn’t become too distracted from the night before.
My spare time at night was taken up with the 15 inch flat screen with a keyboard and my little friend, mouse. It sounds sad don’t you think but at the time for me it wasn’t, it was my saviour and escape to a world that wasn’t real, well it was but I could be whoever I wanted to be , in the privacy of my own home.
During the next few months I continued to run my business as usual with the help of my ex partner, who I told, that I was engaging with the Lesbian chat rooms. I could tell she was reluctant to comment too much, as I sensed a feeling of the questions in her head, why ? Who ? Are you really ?? I could see she was clearly uncomfortable with this and it was not appropriate to continue the conversation, after all, although I wanted to be open and honest with her, some things were just not up for discussion.
I knew now this was going to be a huge seed in the mind of my ex partner, I knew her, she was not going to let this issue go but I could see and feel how on the edge she was, every time we were together as the odd comment would be mentioned, the occasional question would be asked, this was the start of yet another chapter of letting go.
Throughout our break up it was clear to see and feel that we both had a long way to go and although we had finalized our relationship and agreed to be strong and have a lasting friendship, we still had a depth of love, which was not going to disappear overnight.
As I said, the next chapter in my life was one of intrigue and enticement, which I was not going to ignore, after all I believed I needed a breath of fresh air, an avenue to seek adventure and repair what was damaged inside me, along with hope that, I could find a person, who could share who I was and in return feel the love I had to give with all my heart.
Well, I did….
From one simple click of a button, up pops an American lady, willing to chat with me, yes with me, mmmmmm, I really want to chat with her, ok, here goes….
The conversation was so easy, so light hearted and so informative, with no intrusive questioning, it felt normal.
Ok, I have to admit, I do wear my heart on my sleeve but I was still cautious and pretty sad, my heart was not repaired nor was it really ready for a new encounter but I needed someone, something that would pull me up, pull me through the pain and emotional turmoil I felt, not an excuse nor an escape route, simply a battered woman, who craved for peace and to smile again.
Our conversation remained light, funny and unchallenged and after 3 hours of chat, I was flagging, it was so late, actually 3am and I had to be up for business but I didn’t want to stop the chat, I was in fact hooked. I questioned was I hooked to the PC or this wonderful stranger I was chatting to, a someone, something, where I typed words in from a keyboard to communicate with a total stranger, what the hell was I doing. For a person who was pretty skeptical of the internet, I was portraying hypocrisy, I had to admit, I was hooked.
I typed good night and I sensed this person felt the same as I did, reluctant to end our link, it seemed crazy but we had only just met, just met, what the hell was I thinking for goodness sake, this was a total stranger, some fruitcake maybe, or simply a real person in the same lost and sorry state as me.
We said goodbye with an edge of sadness but the chat ended with goodbye. This woman asked if we could chat again, I replied yes I would love to, oh how desperate I sounded, ok I was in my bubble of madness.
The window of chat closed and she was gone, I leaned back still staring at the screen, whether in hope she would come back on or simply I was lonely and desperate to have a link of interest in me, yes someone was interested in me, I wasn’t the washed up wreck that I felt and looked, I, who actually had an interested party.
That day, I had drank tea then coffee and water, infarct I was bloated with fluid and smoked until I was all puffed out, time to sleep, sleep, I didn’t want to sleep even though I was so tired, my mind was spinning with excitement and intrigue, I felt a teenager again, I wasn’t of course but I truly felt it, that feeling you get inside of opening something you have and no idea what it is.
Well ok, I gave in and slept.
As my excitement and intrigue increased, I couldn’t lose sight of the business and my everyday responsibilities, they seemed such a chore and boring, yet I was a woman who took great pride in keeping everything in order and making sure I was responsible, in control and appearing not to be falling apart, even though I was. I couldn’t wait for the time of day to reach 10pm UK time (5pm USA time), this was the time I could talk to this mysterious woman and continue to block out what was going on around me and be carried away onto another road, leading to my escape, yes an escape which was to become, so irresponsible and foolish, a misleading and calculated journey, where I, sincerely believed.
We continued to talk over a period of a few more months, where the conversation became deeper and informative, the word subtlety, was no longer in the equation at all. The chats were sexual, intense and I felt this was going further than I had truly anticipated, although deep down, I wanted to invite her to be with me, yes I wanted to meet her.
I actually prayed for the day to come, I was anxious, with a mix of driven excitement, but I felt compelled to take our journey, just that little more further.
The last time we spoke on line was in December 2003, where she wrote, “I am coming to England”, “meet me in London, I will book the hotel simply be there”.
I was stunned, I paused for a few minutes, staring at the screen, reading over and over again what she had said, it seemed I was paralyzed, too shocked to move or think, so much so she wrote, “hello, are you there”, it triggered me to answer immediately, “yes” “I mean, yes I am here” “yes I will meet you”. my head was spinning, you know the spinning you get when your in deep shock and the rush of blood circles your brain, your breathing becomes deeper louder and your heart pounds so much you are breathing to keep conscious. Tears appeared in my eyes, I broke down and cried, at first it was an emotion I couldn’t explain, I cried and cried out loud, she was typing, “are you still there”, “what’s wrong”, “your not talking to me”, “have I said something wrong”.
They were simple questions but I couldn’t answer her, I was drowning in tears of sadness, heartbreaking sorrow that I still missed my partner so much and I was still in love with her. In another breathe I wanted to meet this woman, the woman who had actually carried me through my break up, made me laugh, gave me my confidence again, didn’t judge me, was attracted to me enough to keep coming back day after day and talking to me, she even sent me inspiring and heart felt emails, everyday. I typed back, “no you have said nothing wrong, I am coming to London to meet you”.
I needed to go to London and guess what, well read on please….