CHAPTER 3
In January 2003, I drove to London, a 5 hour drive, which was a drive, that was to be, one of the most biggest turning points in my life.
It was after midnight on January 8th 2003, I remember as it was my birthday on January 10th. It was a cold and wet night but to be honest it could have been monsoon season and I would have still got in the car and drove to London. As I started the car, I felt sick with guilt, excitement and intrigue, I felt like a teenager with her first crush.
I drove out of town and joined the motorway south, clutching on to the steering wheel, knuckles white with a tight grip, my heart racing so much, I wish I could have clicked my fingers and I was there already.
After 3 hours I had to stop for a bathroom break, I was alone at around 3 am, walking into a motorway service area, heading for London to meet a woman, I had never met before and leaving behind a trail of guilt, love and uncertainty of what the hell I was going to achieve by doing this, I hadn’t a clue, but that page had not been turned and I wanted to turn the page, in hope it was better than the one before.
I was on my way again, still focused on this long road ahead and what a road in more ways than one.
The road was quiet, hardly a sole to see, it felt like I was driving on air, I felt nothing, no thoughts, no feeling, no nothing, even the excitement had subsided, it was so strange but I felt a sense of calm and meaning, why I was doing this, it was simply, to satisfy my own needs, something for me, the freedom, something I could own myself.
I was 30 minutes from London and remember the excitement subsided, well guess what, it was back and this time with vengeance, my head felt as though it was going to explode, my heart began to race at high pace, the whole of my body started to shake uncontrollably, to the extent, I had to stop the car, I pulled over and tried desperately to compose myself, trying to be adult and rational about what I was doing. Rational, what the hell was that, how on earth I got to here I don’t know.
We choose our own destiny, our lives simply pan out in one way or another, but I for one right now, couldn’t for the life of me, stop the shaking and fast heart beat. I slumped back in my seat and closed my eyes, just for a few minutes, thoughts of my ex partner, came flooding in to my head, flashbacks of smiles, good times, holidays together, kindness, reliability, strength and compassion between 2 people……..then my thoughts were intercepted by the heartache we had endured. By this time, I opened my eyes and for a few seconds forgot where I was…….
Now I was ready to complete my journey….
I’m a country girl and large towns are my limit, never mind the capital of England, for goodness sake.
Well here I am, oh my life it has been mmmmmmm, 10 years since I had been to London and even then it was amazing but daunting to say the least.
Oh there is the Marble Arch, round I go, oh round again, I’m sure that was my turning, ooopppps, round again, hey come on its 5 am and I’ve had a long drive and no clue, which lane I’m to be in, oh please give me a break, round again…..well at least I can give a detailed talk on the Marble Arch for sure.
There it is, oh one last trip past the Marble Arch, yet again, oh my…….
Oh turn right, hotel, where is the hotel, got it, thank the lord.
Sorry, I forgot to mention, my American friend had already booked the hotel, how wonderful is that, mmmmmm.
I parked the car, oh my life, it is so expensive, hey live life to the full they say, I’m certainly doing that for sure.
I got out of the car, cool as a cucumber, got my case out of the boot, locked up and strutted towards the main door of the hotel, oh how I strutted as though I was some kind of cocky celebrity, with a photo shoot ahead. Yeah right, eyes like golf balls, hands swelled from the heat of the car, my back aching so much, I felt like s…
Hey I pulled it off, approached the reception desk, gave them my details and hey presto, I was in the lift heading to my room, still cool as a cucumber. The ping of the lift stopping and arriving at my floor, certainly got my adrenalin pumping, the doors opened and I stepped out pulling my case behind me, well the dam thing got stuck in track of the lift and you know when you slightly panic, thinking the doors will shut before you get yourself and luggage out, well that was me too. Well the doors didn’t shut as I yanked my case out, even though it was far from a slick manoeuvre. Ok which way, right or left, ahh yes left. Oh my life I was actually entering my room. Oh I have to mention, I am a day ahead of my American friend, so I have booked a single room until tomorrow, costing an arm and a leg and more but hey, I was firing on tnt, ready to explode with excitement, yet feeling sick to the stomach, that I had agreed to meet someone who I had never met before and from the USA, crazy, yet I knew deep down I had to, my curiosity and potential regret got the better of me.
I had my mobile phone switched off, as I knew that when my ex knew I had for want of a better word, fled, I would be bombarded with calls and texts, which I had no idea of how to explain this one, without it sounding so crazy, bizarre and totally hurtful towards her, even though we were over. My ex was still suffering badly emotionally, physically and mentally. I knew that my actions would hurt Becky, but I tried so hard to care for her and make sure our break up was disrupted to minimum but it made no difference, I knew I had to be here and that each stage, with passing time, would become easier for her. My feelings were pretty mixed, I had a sense of duty and care towards my ex, after all I still loved her so much, yet my heart and freedom were also important to making a decision to take a new path, a new future, that I was craving for.deep down to find someone that maybe just maybe, would have a connection with me, which fueled a healthy relationship.
I sat on the bed looking around, absorbing the rich red paisley decor, flamboyant drapes, lush thick carpet and a bed so comfy, I knew I was going to crash out and sleep for England, I was so exhausted. I couldn’t help feeling, as to why I was here, questioning whether to simply, grab my case and return home or follow this bizarre string of planned events. Was I really sure that I was aware of the down sides and worst scenario of returning home, deflated and disappointed, well guess what, it was countdown time, 24 hours to go before I met miss USA, I had made my mind up to meet her, I simply couldn’t let this go.
I undressed, pulled back the silk covered duvet and white crisp linen, slipped into bed, closed my eyes and within minutes, I was at long last at peace and tucked away, in a state of sheer uninterrupted bliss, well for a little while anyway.
You know when you start to wake, the warmth and comfort you feel as you stir, well I felt so safe, so isolated and only one person knowing where I was, although up to a point the situation felt irresponsible, it also felt daring, throwing caution to the wind and potentially coming through a period in my life, where I was certain again, it could be right. I had failed before and now again, I wanted to embrace a new beginning, yes again, what the hell was I thinking, I had gone through a 10 year relationship which ended and a 4 year one, I sound like a little girl entering her first kiss, well I have had my fair share of loves with women over the years, and as I always say, this feels different, does it really !!!!!
I lay in the comfort of my bed, eyes wide open and taking in the splendour of my room and in between the thoughts of this cosy, isolated and warm room, again a rush of guilt, fear and a sense of obligation to a woman, who I shared such intense moments with, whether they be good or bad. I flung back the thick luxurious duvet from me, sat up in bed and stupid me, went light-headed and disorientated for a few seconds, realising where I was and what my purpose was of being hear, or did I ??
I got up made my bed, had a shower, got dressed and made my way to the breakfast room, well hall, alone and pretty sheepish, what was wrong with me, a strong willed, confident individual had succumbed to fear and low self confidence, all because I gripped my heart and took it somewhere different, somewhere in hope it could beat again the way I wanted it to.
I ate breakfast quite easily, I even had more, my appetite was rampant and I made the most of it, lovely surroundings, excellent service, wonderful food, it was simply like being let into a candy shop without restriction, it was a situation so childlike and a sense of allowing myself a treat, the freedom to do what ever I liked, just for that moment.
I went back to my room to begin the countdown, of the arrival of a woman from over the pond, bloody big pond if you ask me, an ocean which separated, right now , a future I so wanted to share, a future which only I could hope for, question marks, question marks, this was the hardest thing, question marks.
As I looked at my watch, I couldn’t focus, my eyes went blurred, it wasn’t tiredness, it was my brain blocking out the reality of the situation, I know it was. I concentrated and I had 3 hours to decide whether to turn around and go back home, I had 3 hours to convince myself this was right or wrong, I had 3 hours to sit and wait or even go and see the sites of London, well we could do that together, you see no matter how much I tried to kick myself into touch and challenge with my inner self, I had already made up my mind to meet this woman and embrace our bizarre encounter.
I checked my watch and 20 minutes to go before I would see the woman I had only spoken with and exchanged emails and chat. A few minutes to go and now I am pacing the large rich reception area, sitting down on the edge of the luxurious sofa, getting up again, sitting down again, oh my goodness, I was a woman pocessed, as they say.
I had to go to the loo, I couldn’t bare it any longer, the waiting, the clock watching, the straightening of the hair, clothes and my mind exhausted with persistent challenge.
I looked in the mirror, checking I looked ok, staring at myself, rubbing my arms, straightening my hair, turning to the side, turning the other side, stop, stop, stop, one last look in the mirror, then I walked out of the loo and faced the beech double doors, oh my life, she was there, standing right by the reception desk, oh god please help me, let this be the right move, let this be the meeting I have prepared myself for all this time.
I opened the double doors and walked towards the reception desk with so much excitement, my face must have been a picture to capture. She turned around, as if she knew I was there, we looked at each other and both smiled.
She spoke the words”my beautiful surprise”, I smiled some more, infarct it was as though I froze in time. She walked towards me and kissed me softly on the cheek, where I responded by putting my arms around her and saying, “it is so good to see you“. A moment like this, is to be treasured, the sheer rush of happiness, elation and loved up emotion, yes loved up, comes all at once and a sense of well being runs through you out of control in seconds, until you realise, that you never want it to end, yet in reality you have to inhale, to take the oxygen, to enable yourself to calm down and take control of the situation, without looking like a fool.
We both smiled at each other, fixated in a state of time freeze, it seemed as though we didn’t want to move, as if we had counted every second for this one moment, a moment of last minute planning, which at the time I thought, was a simple turn of fate.
I couldn’t read her mind, but I saw in her eyes that this was somewhat an endearing encounter, a duty and something she needed to do, I know that this sounds a crazy statement to make but although I felt surrounded by a mask of heaven sent, I also felt that she was blasé, matter of fact, mixed with a believable presence around me.
After seconds of emotional turmoil and controlled calmness, she said, “shall we go to our room”, I replied “sure”, yeah right, who was the laid back matter of fact chic now, not me, I assure you.
Our journey, yes journey, well that’s what it felt like to me, long slow and yet again I was feeling the adrenalin rush, I was so excited, wanting so much basically to grab her in the lift and kiss her and for the record, I didn’t, but oh my I so wanted to. We stood side by side, both with a huge Cheshire cat grin, breaking in to nervous laughter, where I said “I am so nervous, yet so happy you are here”, she replied, “I’m happy too, please don’t be nervous”, me nervous never, but I was, was it the fact I was pre-empting an outcome, or was it that out of respect I was suppressing my feelings or was it a simple case of my sexual desire to get to the room and make love to her. Well guess what the lift doors opened, we slowly walked to our room, opened the door and yes you guessed it, or did you, ?
Actually, the first words spoken were, “wow, what a small room, for a London hotel”, I actually agreed, it was pretty small, hey here I am passing comment on a London hotel room being small, in the light of the situation, a room, which was to be our haven of lust, sex and sheer indulgence, the room size was certainly not going to be an issue. My split second thought was, oh my, this must be small, compared to the magnitude of her property in New York, which she said she owned, amongst many.
We nervously, I mean, I nervously unpacked my case, hardly saying a word, it was as though we were caught up in the moment and after all the telephone chats, emails and online chat, we were all of a sudden struck with dumbness, it felt somewhat, regimental, something we had to do, to get things in order, as to get the formalities over with, a preparation, in readiness for our guards to drop and embrace the planned expectations, of the precious time we had together.
I turned and said “would you like a cup of tea or coffee”, she replied “yeah sure”, she laughed, “I mean coffee”, I laughed back, then smiled and said “I can’t believe you’re here”, she smiled and said, “well I am and it is so good to see you, my beautiful surprise”, I walked over to her, put my arms around her and being the eager, crazy woman I am, I literally, sank my tongue down her throat, pushing us both onto the bed, where she responded by rolling me onto my back, pulling back and she raised up above me, straggled across me and said, “hey I want you to kiss me, but huni, please ease back on the throat surgery”, I began to laugh out loud and so did she, it was for sure an ice breaker, my eagerness got the better of me and also was a crucial moment, which was to cement the rest of our time together.
The inevitable happened and although I would like to share this with you, it is suffice to say, the room became bigger, the world didn’t exist, my mind was an abundance of happiness, my body ringing with delight.
We lay side by side for a moment, just a brief moment, when again
she demanded more, she infused me of yet more delight, I was overwhelmed with the sensation of wanting more, needing more, I pulled her down on me, her face was intent to please yet again and fulfill the needs, the lust, the want, the sheer seduction of unadulterated sexual desire between two people.
The whole of my body was exhausted and a sigh of ecstasy rang in the room, our bodies naked and refreshed, the smell of perfume and happiness, filled all of my senses, this for sure, was what I had longed for, oh how I had missed this excitement and space to express so much energy, with a person I came to know in such a short space of time and arrived at such a deep, intimate level with.
What was to be our next plan, a pretty good one, to follow this act, that’s for sure. Well, I’m not that shallow, to encourage conversation, check out the sights of London and dine out, catch a West End show and simply have coffee and absorb every precious moment with her.
You know what, we did all that, it was fun from start to finish, we dined out in a small intimate Greek restaurant, where the meal was delicately sparse, and the service was much to be desired, a memory which at the time we shared, joked and placed in memory as a check off, as part of a list to do things list.
We had coffee in and around Trafalgar Square, we saw Buckingham Palace, we fed the birds, we saw the Beefeaters, we saw the guards, we walked through London until we dropped, passing Harrods, Selfridges and so many more, we never stopped laughing, chatting, looking, taking in the sites, oh and the Tate Gallery, even having lunch in a mind blowing tower restaurant, which cost an absolute fortune, for an afternoon cream tea for 2(so British).
We also, went into the Tower of London and she even persuaded me to take a “Jack The Ripper” tour, oh my was I wetting myself, well not in the literal sense but you get my drift…..
Finally, we booked the West End show, “Rent”, it was a show which she had recommended. I had no clue of the story and actually, was my first West End show in years, so I was pretty nervous, as to what to expect. You know what, it was a show that I will never forget, nor feel such empathy, towards the cast who portrayed the story in a way, which will always be an embedded memory, please go and watch this show if you have the opportunity, it is simply, inspiring.
Phew, I’m exhausted……..
Ok, I will mention, that in between all of the splendour and outrageous extravagance, the burning question, I’m sure your waiting for is……… did we experience yet more intimate delight, well yes, infarct, I embraced the frequency of our special time together and also may I add, I was loved up so much, my body was asking for a reprieve, a break, a power charge, something to prepare, for the next surge of sexual intensity thrust in to me.
Suffice to say, a sexual experience, which was deep and consuming, a relentless barrage of sheer ecstasy.
The time together, had sadly come to an end, a time which I would never forget, nor choose to forget, it was too high drama to push aside and think it never happened, because it did.
Throughout our time together in London, I never mentioned really, any conversations we shared, well, not too much to tell, as the chats we had were, somewhat, misted, yes misted, I can only explain our exchanges as, everyday conversational chat, you would have with a friend, you haven’t seen in a long time. I tried on numerous occasions, to ask and prompt more about her personal life, which in some cases was answered to an extent, such as, her recent break up, home life, work status, property ownership, a small family, a few likes and dislikes. All of what I managed to extract, seemed superficial, you are thinking and smelling an uncomfortable aura here, you are, are you not ????
Well, let me continue and then you can make your own mind up as to whether, Carly, oh yes her name is Carly, is all what she says she is…….
It was a cold morning, both Carly and I had to say goodbye, our time together was over, but your thinking, do we see each other again, yes of course we do.
I kissed Carly goodbye, it was a long and soft kiss, I remember she held me and whispered, “my beautiful surprise”, I smiled and replied “thank you for a wonderful time, I am going to miss you so much”, she replied, “I will miss you too, but I promise, we will see each other soon”. with that, she walked to the taxi, loaded her bags, shut the door and the taxi drove off.
Carly didn’t turn to wave goodbye, perhaps she was upset, maybe it was too upsetting for her, or she couldn’t wait to get away from me.
I felt so alone again, I was upset to see her go, but a sudden rush of guilt came over me again, I know, that throughout my stay in London, my mind and body had been pretty occupied, to say the least and yes I was so consumed with the here and now, I didn’t want to think of a week ago, or even the last few years, it was a negative part of my life and I simply wanted to forget.
I failed to mention, that I switched my mobile phone off most of the time in London, but just in case my family needed to contact me, I put it on occasionally, to check, as I was aware of Becky, possibly ringing or texting me. Sure enough, the times I did switch my mobile phone on, the calls registered and the texts were coming through, all from Becky.
I wasn’t the kind of person to ignore her, nor dismiss getting in touch, I honestly thought, no contact, was sincerely the best policy, not because I was with Carly, but I made a choice not to, yes, I chose not to. I was being selfish, was I really, well being the person I was, I told myself, I was selfish, yet, I wasn’t really, I was simply having a good time, yes a good time, a time of sheer self indulgence, something which I was not used to, a part of my life in London with a lovely woman, whom travelled, thousands of miles, just to see me.
I went back to my room and sat on the bed, looking around aimlessly, trying to put in perspective, where I was, what I had experienced and reflecting on the events of the last week, I had shared with Carly. It was pretty incredible to believe that what I had touched and sensed during our time together, I was in some ways so privileged to have shared such planning, preparation, precision, fun, laughter and sheer escapism, with someone, who I really didn’t know, or did I……..
I did a stupid thing, yes a spur of the moment click of a button and spoke these words, “I’m coming home and yes, I still want you”. let me explain. I rang Becky, she was pleading with me to come home and we talk, with a promise that I would re-kindle our relationship. You know I sincerely thought we could, what was I thinking, I had just said goodbye to Carly, after spending a week of fulfillment, in depth passion and uninterrupted life, yes I was walking on air and I promised Becky all will be ok, no, no, no, it won’t be alright. What I meant to say was, I’m coming home, I will pop in and see you and make sure your ok, why did I do this…
Becky was suffering more than I thought, with our break up and on my arrival it was apparent to see.
I got in my car, threw my case in the back and once again, attempted to get out of London, hopefully missing the Marble Arch, 4 times around. My journey became, a struggle for me, it seemed to take me forever to master the art of direction and time. Although I was thinking of Carly, I couldn’t think beyond Becky either. In fact, I thought more of Becky, how she was, what could I say or do, how will I explain my week away with Carly, in a way which would ease her pain, her pain, no one can soften this blow, especially, when she will want to know the truth, everything in detail. I know we were finished and I have no obligation nor responsibility towards Becky but I am human, really I am and to be on the receiving end of the truth, is going to be heartbreaking for her but I have to tell the truth.
The journey is nearly at an end and thank the lord it is, I am so tired physically and mentally. Do I go straight home or go to Becky first, no I will go home, I need to sleep, I need to shut my mind down and hope, that when I wake, I am able to speak to Becky, Lord, I really hope I can.