CHAPTER 5
A month had past and during this time, my contact with Carly was as they say, full on. We chatted on a regular basis, about her work, my business, home life, social events, our time together and of course my visit to America. I was so eager to set the date we had agreed in stone, I wanted Carly to feel the enthusiasm I felt in my voice and in my heart, which at this stage, Carly was pretty excited also, well her tone of voice, said she was. I genuinely didn’t realise, that my dreams were to be shattered all over again, through my sheer stupidity and a heart on the sleeve disaster.
During the following few months, my relationship with Becky, surprisingly, became closer, I would say her personality, mellowed to say the least, Becky couldn’t do enough for me, infarct, my business was thriving, through the hard work Becky and I gave to the survival of my lively hood, I was so grateful. For once in my life, I was feeling happy and content, I was able to live each day, without the fear of confrontation, I had a true friend in Becky at last, a thriving business, and Carly.
I never once thought, that the woman whom I respected, loved, treasured but also broke my heart in to small little pieces and destroyed what ever faith I had, in ever loving again, would one day sit me down and say, “Shar, marry me, accept this ring and marry me please”, I began to cry, Becky cried, we sobbed to the extent, that we both realised how all of the past turmoil, had become a circus, a drama, a staged calculated mess, which began simply from a 15 inch computer screen, a documentary of life in a lesbians world. Becky still on her knees, holding my hands, me looking into her red watery eyes, I replied, “Becky, I’m sorry, I can’t”, her sobbing became uncontrollable , I too, sobbed, knowing how much it meant to Becky, that we could be together again, as it was before. Becky had one last ace card, to put in front of me, one last crucial attempt, to get her woman back. Becky fought through the tears and said, “Shar, listen, marry me and I will make this work, I promise, not only can we marry, I have booked two tickets to your favourite destination, Hong Kong”, I dropped to my knees, I couldn’t believe Becky would go this far, to try and make all of the past disappear and start again, together, with a beautiful ring and a once in a lifetime honeymoon to a destination, I have always dreamt of.
My sobbing stopped, it simply stopped, it was like someone turning the tap off, the tears cleared, a rush of reality swept through my head, I sat back and said “no Becky, no, I can’t, we can’t go back, I need to go forward, I promised myself no more, we can’t do this anymore, it has to stop”.
Becky continued to cry, I could see the pain in her face and as much as I wanted to console her and say it will be alright, I couldn’t, it wasn’t right, that we both start a fresh together, it wasn’t right, that we had both suffered for such a long time and managed to salvage, surprisingly, a friendship, which meant more to me, than the life we shared in such a volatile environment.
I sat and watched Becky cry so much, but I had to say to myself, over and over again, you can’t go back, you must ensure Becky knows in her heart, we are over, finished, done.
I held Becky’s hands, I looked at her, then slowly wiped the tears from her face, mindful, that she wouldn’t misconstrue, my intentions, I simply cared so much for her and wanted her pain to go away. Becky, slowly got up from the floor, still with tears trickling down her face, she sat down next to me and said, “I tried, didn’t I, I really tried and I would give and do anything to have you back”, I put my head down and shook my head, as to say no Becky, I’m sorry.
We had been through so much together, it was so sad and heartbreaking, knowing that if all of this energy and love, was portrayed during our relationship, neither of us, would be where we are right now. I had never seen Becky so attentive or emotional and someone so hell bent on fighting for me, it was a relationship, I would never forget.
Becky left that day and went home, I held her tight before she left and whispered to her, “Becky I do love you but you and I can be friends, only if you let us be, just friends, I care for you but you must let us go now, we will speak soon, ok”, with this, Becky replied, “I love you too, I always will, I’m sorry, so sorry for what I have done but I love you so much”, I smiled as if to say, i know.
Becky and I did become great friends, yes there was the odd attempted pass from Becky, but instead of the situation being, nasty and emotional, we both managed to laugh it off and be just good platonic friends, I was so happy and so was Becky, we had reached the point perhaps where, I wanted to rush through, but it was the right timing all the way through, we still loved each other, yet we had realised, our common bond was friendship, something that certainly was missed, when we were in the relationship, a fundamental cog that got missed, where a certain virus, found our weakness and found a way to break us apart, but there was one thing that never got lost and this, was our love.
My relationship with Carly had taken a different turn, although I was in contanstant contact with her, chatting on the phone, sending emails and connecting to the online chat late at night, her tone of communication had changed, she came across slightly cold and dismissive of the time we spent together, along with all the effort of late night chatting and expensive phone calls. Carly would talk of work mainly, her depth of conversation was somewhat guarded, I couldn’t laugh with her as much nor reminisce as such.
Our contact became less, well less from Carly but silly me, continued to contact Carly and she did accept my calls at work and chatted online but again her conversation became strained, as though we had never met. Ok, your thinking, wake up and smell the coffee, this woman has had what she wants, so stop now, well, I didn’t stop, I honestly thought that maybe, work was stressful right now, perhaps her workload was demanding with more travelling, therefore, at this moment in time, she was unable to juggle all of this at one time.
So, I thought I would surprise her, yes, I was so excited, I booked a ticket to New York, it cost me an arm and a leg but hey, I wanted to see her again and perhaps, this is what Carly needs, a beautiful surprise and some fun again.
That night, I linked up with Carly on line, I was beside myself, you can imagine, the excitement I was feeling, knowing I was going to fly to New York, hold Carly again and have yet another, time of my life.
As my computer was connecting to online chat, I noticed how slow it was to link up, I became anxious and shouting in my head, oh please, not now, not tonight, speed up please. Thank the Lord, it was a gremlin, no, not a real gremlin of course, it was something that had got in to my computer and slowed it down, oh I’m rambling again, I was up and running, the anticipation was ready to explode, I just wanted so much to share the element of surprise with Carly and capture her initial reaction.
There was Carly, typing away, oh my lord, I was edging towards the keys to type back, I waited and kept the tone of chat, calm and matter of fact but then I had my window of opportunity, a chance to type, “Carly, I have something to tell you”, Carly replied, “ok Shar but don’t tell me you want to stop contacting me ?”, why would Carly say this, it was quite the contrary, I replied, “no, don’t be crazy, just the opposite actually”, I paused and Carly didn’t type a word, I then typed, “Carly, I have booked a plane ticket to New York for two weeks time, I’m coming to see you, I can’t wait”. I waited with baited breathe, for Carly’s reply……I waited, for what seemed forever, nothing came back from Carly, perhaps her computer had gone down, perhaps she was interrupted and couldn’t reply, I typed again, “Carly, what do you think, I’m coming to see you, are you happy ?”. still there was no reply, the online chat disconnected. I was gutted, I frantically, tried over and over again to connect to Carly but I just couldn’t get through to her.
My only way to get a direct link with her again, was to actually ring her, it was late here in the UK, but the US, was six hours behind and Carly was still at work, so all good.
I made the call, shaking still with excitement, needing to speak with Carly, to get an answer, as to how she felt about my visit. Carly picked up her phone and I was connected, I said, “Carly, its me, we got disconnected, sorry about that, did you get what I typed to you, I’m coming to see you in two weeks, what do you think”, Carly must have taken one big breathe and replied, “Shar, you can’t come over to see me, I’m sorry but it’s not convenient right now”, I replied, “hey, its no problem, I can change the ticket, to another date, which is best for you”, Carly replied, “Shar, no its not convenient ok”, oh my lord, this was not the reaction I was expecting, nor the tone of voice I was hearing, that I would ever hear. I tried again, “Carly, do you think you could check your busy schedule and come up with a date, that does work for you, I would be happy to check in a hotel central New York, then we could meet, when your not so busy”, Carly replied, “are you not listening Shar, I have no free dates”, I now heard a side to Carly, that was aggressive, a tone in her voice, which frankly, was not the Carly I knew. I replied, “Carly, what’s wrong, I thought you would be happy, that I was coming to see you, I wanted to surprise you”, Carly replied, “Shar listen, I don’t want to upset you, but our time together has come to an end, you and I had fun and I will treasure it with great fondness”, fondness, I thought, fondness, what the hell was she talking about, our time together, surely meant more than fondness. I tried again and said, “Carly, I don’t understand, we have shared and done so much, our intimate times together, surely mean much more than a fondness”, Carly replied, “look Shar, I have work to do and I’m sorry if this has come as a shock to you but in my life right now, I have no room for romantic involvement and although I do care for you, I am unable to give you what you want”. with that Carly, simply hung up.
I was stunned, I slumped back into my chair, my mind racing with thoughts of, why, who, when, what if, I honestly couldn’t believe the conversation we had just had, was I that stupid to not understand, Carly had casually said that’s it, no more….
I had braced myself to surprise Carly, with a huge trip to New York, I had booked and paid for a flight and in the process, willing to book in to a hotel, as to lighten the burden of letting me stay with her, after all, she came to my home and stayed for free and something I didn’t say at the time, I paid for the majority of our dining out, drinks, clubs, even gifts, surely my visit, would be, as she said, a beautiful surprise.
An hour passed and I hadn’t moved out of the chair, still slummed and in total chaos inside. I didn’t know what to do, I began to cry, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks, how stupid I had been, thinking that Carly and I could possibly have a great future together, how was I so gullible to believe, I had found someone who I thought, felt the same as I did, a woman who had, gone to so much effort, to reel me in, thinking that I was, the person she chose to be with.
It was such a sad waste of planning and precision, the excitement and anticipation, the many intimate and caring times, the fun, laughter, not forgetting precious money involved but most of all, the floor show in front of Becky,to protect me, like a proud peacock, standing her ground, when she asked Becky to leave. I sincerely don’t understand.
With this in mind, I couldn’t let this go without some explanation, I really cared for Carly, love is a deep word to use but I loved her for all we had done and the person she portrayed, when we were together, this was enough, to find out her reasons, Carly owed me that at least.
I made the telephone call to Carly at work, it rang for sometime, but anxiously, I heard Carly’s voice, it was her voice mail, her soft alluring tone, made me smile, I had the connection again, you know that feeling, when you are struggling to understand this persons final words and any small glimmer of hope, that your able to hold on to, jolts you in to their world all over again, the words spoken before, you forget and hope a reconciliation will put things right again. Well this was my chance to do just this, I left the message saying, “hi Carly, please call me, I don’t want to upset your busy work schedule, but please call me, I really do need to talk to you, please Carly, call me”.
With this, I waited, waited, waited and waited, in fact, I waited all day, mindful that her working day was coming to an end.
I had tried to keep myself busy all day with the mondain chores of a busy business, I needed to do, but none of them seemed important. Becky had called me several times but I didn’t answer, in fear I suppose, that she would be elated and gloating at the fact, Carly had severed contact with me and we were going nowhere, I couldn’t face, the embarrassment nor third degree from Becky, so I chose to ignore her calls. It wasn’t long though, before my doorbell rang and sure enough, it was Becky, how could I have not guessed that my knight in shining armour would come to the rescue.
I opened the door and Becky knew from my face, that something was not right, she held her arms out and hugged me, you know, our friendship was a bond not to be reckoned with, we were so deeply plutonically connected, it was a god send. Becky knew, straight away, that Carly was the fundamental reason, I was so down, her perception of me was second to none, she understood straight away more or less, what the situation was, before I had time to tell her. Becky had reached a point in her life, where she had come to terms with us and was able to see clearer and deal appropriately with life, it was for me an endearing quality of Becky, that I had not seen in a very long time.
We sat down with a mug of tea, I began to tell her what Carly had said, still mindful of the time passing and still no telephone call from Carly. Becky listened attentively and I was expecting the usual Becky, smug and I told you so, but just the opposite, she really was understanding, so much so, she began to lay out a plan of action. Becky could see and hear, that I was smitten with Carly and although her struggle to come to terms with our break up was traumatic for her, to say the least, she was prepared to help me, pursue Carly and genuinely assist in getting Carly and I back on track again.
I explained to Becky, that Carly’s day was nearly over and still no contact from her, so Becky said, “ring her mobile phone”, with time running out, I grabbed my phone and dialed Carly’s number. It began to ring, I waited anxiously, until Carly said, “hello Carly Martinez, can I help you”, it was Carly and I replied, “Carly, it’s Shar, please don’t put the phone down, please listen, I know you are leaving work soon, please spare me a few minutes”. Carly didn’t hang up the phone, she said, “ok Shar, I’m listening”. Carly’s tone sounded official and cold but I had to have some answers, I had to try and work out, why she had been so angry and set against my visit. I replied, “Carly, what is wrong, I thought you would be happy I was coming to see you, is work stressful right now, has something happened that you are unable to arrange anything right now, like I said, I can re-arrange the flight, it’s not a problem”, with this, Carly replied, ”Shar, our time together was great and we had so much fun but for you to come here is not an option, my life is in the US and we could never be what you think it could”, I tried again by saying, “Carly, I don’t expect anything from you, all I want is for us, to have more fun and get to each other more and because you made so much effort to be with me, I thought it was my turn to surprise you”, Carly replied, “Shar, I’m sorry, but our time together has come to an end and like I said, I am unable to give you what you want, also my life here in the US, won’t fit in with a relationship right now, especially long distance, I can’t make it any clearer to you”. I couldn’t believe it, I was not hearing the same woman, the same woman whom I had spent time with and shared, what most would consider, deep meaningful emotions, well to me it was, I could only reply with, “are you really sure Carly, we have shared so much and right now, I am finding it hard to believe, that you want to let it go and none of our time spent, meant anything, simply fun and nothing more”, my voice became child like, as to hope that Carly would sense my deflation and wanting, waiting for her to change her mind and perhaps turn the conversation around and realise, what she was letting go.
Carly finally replied, “Shar, I’m sorry, I have to go, please don’t ring me again, just put this down to a great time we had together and you will look back at this, with fondness, bye Shar”, with this she hung up. Becky could see in my face, I was gutted, also, I felt such a fool, a fool to think that a romance, could have ever developed from this, a fool to expect and dream, that I would once again, find happiness.
I began to cry, dropping my head in disbelief, strangely not because of Carly no longer wanting to see me, but because I had foolishly believed another woman, would be interested in me and to encourage such passion and hope, that we could be together.
It was Becky this time, who came to the rescue, she consoled me as you would with any friend but she did more than this, she took time to restore my faith.
That day, Becky stayed with me, we drank tea, talked about Carly and I at some length and Becky listened to me, yes Becky listened, for once in a long time, Becky stopped her rail road chatter and became the attentive philosopher, a person who saw reason and placed events in boxes, dissected reasoning and tried her best to generally make me feel a better person. I was so happy she was there with me, a friend, a support, a genuine person, I could rely on to get me through my stupidity.
A week went by and Becky and I kept in touch by phone, text and visits for catch up chats, I still hadn’t heard from Carly and I too, vowed not to contact her. It was a Saturday and I was sitting having a cup of tea, when my mind began to revisit all the time Carly and I spent together, the intimate times, fun times, cultural times, conversations we shared, the laughs, the internet chat, phone chats, coming to my home, the way she looked, how we both interacted with each other and most of all, how she made me feel, what I mean is, how she really made me feel. I stopped the super fast racy thoughts, just for a moment and my mind arrived at one significant thing, which simply didn’t add up at all.
I mentioned briefly that it cost an arm and a leg in London, but didn’t tell you to what extent. Whilst in London, I being me, paid for the majority of our dining out, show, gifts, drinks and general everyday expenditure, which at the time, I was happy to do, goodness knows why I did this, well I do, it’s that impressing mode you get dragged into and the fact, I was genuinely wanting to come across as a giving, kind person, which I was, in addition, when Carly came to my home, again, I paid for food, drinks, dining out and again, general everyday spend, needed to fuel Carly’s stay, I don’t want to say Carly paid for nothing she did, but it certainly didn’t indicate her so called wealth, she had told me about. This was the most significant tell tale moment I had, at the time, I didn’t even think about it, I was genuinely drawn in and realised, I had been taken not only as a fool but a person, who was so gullible, that during all of this time, right up until this very day, Carly had no intention of going any further with our relationship, she got out as quick as she entered in.
With this thought and only thought, I needed answers, real answers, I know again you may think, just let it go, well rid of her, but deep down, I really cared for her and as crazy as it may sound, I thought Carly would tell me the truth and separate truth from illusions of grandeur.
This very day, I decided to pursue my anxiety, to have closure, on what seemed to be a foolish path to take, yet a hope that some of this could be repaired in my head and heart, so that I could just maybe, retrieve, at least some dignity, to end this chapter in my life, where lies and deceit became the fundamental structure of this stop gap of an affair.
Solely, without the moral support of Becky, I picked the phone and dialed the US, yes Carly, I knew she would be at home, well one of her homes, so I rang her, I took a deep breathe in preparation of her answering, but she didn’t answer, it went to voice mail. Was this a sign, that I was to stop this futile mission, to solve a truth, with what purpose, well simply, to gain some peace of mind, that I wasn’t as stupid as I had portrayed, it was for me, like I said something I had to prove, so that I could restore, some form of belief in myself, that another woman, couldn’t walk away and continue to do this to others.
I made the call again, waiting for the voice of Carly and to my surprise, Carly answered, “hello”, I replied, “hi Carly, it’s Shar”, she paused and she too took a deep breathe and replied, “Shar, I am so happy you called, I have missed you so much”, I went in to a spin, a literal internal head spin, I couldn’t believe what Carly had just said, once again, my stupidity, went sky high, I replied, “do you really mean it, you have missed me, what has changed”, Carly could tell by the reaction in my voice, that I was ecstatic to hear those words and once again, Carly had mastered the art of impact. Carly replied, “I have done a lot of thinking and I have missed you and this has made me realise, that we have shared so much and I feel we are pretty good together”. I couldn’t get my head around her 360 degree turn, it was a different Carly, to the one I had only a few weeks back, had destroyed my faith in romance and truth. I replied, “so are we going to try again, you want us”, Carly replied, “yes, I would like to continue our relationship, I want us to have fun and build on that”, fun, that word again was so poignant to me, I replied, “Carly, what do you mean by fun”, she replied, “you know, fun together, spend time together, share the passion that 2 women do, we were good together, weren’t we Shar”, it began to sound so good at the beginning, but Carly once again didn’t fail to turn this in to an act of unimportant flippancy. Perhaps, I was too serious, perhaps my kind of fun was, sharing time together, going places, travelling, making love not having sex, but for me, these were my needs and I could feel, that Carly had her own way of sharing within a relationship and this certainly would be a test for both of us. Why was I even entertaining the thought of accepting Carly’s words, her outlook on our future, why did I even call her, well I know why, but is this really what I want, or was I hoping that I could model Carly in to believing another way of having a truthful, honest and meaningful relationship, which let’s face it, I have failed to have up to now.
Carly then said, “Shar, look let’s stay in contact, then arrange your visit to the US soon, what do you think”, again stunned at the new Carly, I replied, “that’s great, when do you think, I can book a flight, of course, when it is good for you”, she replied, “hey, slow down, I’m excited too, but let’s talk some more, for a while, then you can look at booking your flight”, I replied, “ok, I understand, your right, I am excited”, we both laughed at my silly repeated girl like, giggle and in many ways, a sign, I had lost the plot, once again.
We chatted for a further 30 minutes or so, as though it had never happened and I fell hook, line and sinker, all over again.
We said our goodbye’s and I rang Becky, straight away.
Becky talked with me for some time and she was cautious, to say the least, she wasn’t convinced, that Carly’s intentions were genuine and although I had this niggling feeling deep down, I still wanted to pursue this relationship and prove to myself and Becky, it was the right one.
Time passed, in fact it was around May time, and Carly and I continued our chats, emails, along with plans of my visit, all seemed to be promising, until this very day, where Carly suddenly stopped chatting, no phone calls, no emails, nothing, I tried desperately to contact her, at work, but her answer machine was always kicking in, I emailed her, I phoned her mobile phone and that too, went straight to answering machine. I was blocked from every angle possible, in contacting Carly. I knew that I was completely cut off from Carly and my worst fears came flooding towards me and I had no way of getting to Carly. I had one last throw of the dice, an ace card, which I really didn’t want to use and that was Carly’s mum, yes Carly had given me the number to her mum’s, in case I couldn’t get hold of her for any reason, I didn’t know at this stage, whether it was a false number but I was once again, faced with desperation to hear Carly’s voice. Why the hell didn’t I just let it go, why was I pursuing Carly, over and over again, when I really knew now, that I had been used and made to look a complete fool, all over again.
I was alone and although I was tempted to call Becky, I needed to find out myself, why again, Carly had completely blocked me out.
I dialed the number of Carly’s mum, it rang out, my heart was racing, my head ready to explode, with the anticipation of there even being an answer, but then a voice said, “hello”, I replied, “hello, it’s Shar, could I speak to Carly please”, the voice replied, “sure, hang on”, it went quiet, so quiet I thought the phone had gone dead, but I held on, then a voice said, “hi Shar, so you still had my mum’s number”, I replied, “I’m so sorry but I had to call you, forgive me”, Carly replied, “it’s ok, I thought you might”, again I asked the same questions, as I did the first time Carly abruptly ended our relationship, “Carly, why have you not been in touch, why have you blocked my calls, what’s wrong”, this time, I certainly wasn’t expecting this response, it was a tone of voice, I had never heard from Carly, a tone which without a doubt in my mind, made me realise, I would never see Carly again, it was a tone so loud, so angry, so final, it was for sure the end to me, a person I didn’t want any future with, nor spend anymore time, effort or money pursuing. Carly said “Shar, just leave me alone, don’t ring here or anywhere else for that matter, don’t contact me, enough for Gods sake, don’t you understand, I don’t want to speak to you anymore, leave me alone”, with this, she hung up.
I placed the phone receiver down slowly, forgetting briefly to breathe, a quick intake of breathe, shocked me in to realising so many things.
I was pursuing no purpose, no future and certainly no genuine relationship, I was simply a girl in one of the ports. I had invested so much of my time, effort and deep emotion in to Carly and all of this was futile. What a complete fool I had been, believing that one day, we would be together, absorbing her every word, empathizing with her life and stupidly, placing my heart on my sleeve, to a woman, who had no concept of real love or compassion, towards me. We experienced deep intimacy, shoulders to cry on, aspirations, even future investment to create yet a stronger empire of property and the most heart wrenching of it all, Carly had shared the deep intimate details of my ex, Becky, which I now feel gutted about, this was something so special and delicate, that I trusted in Carly, I honestly believed, that I could trust Carly to genuinely hold this situation guarded and protected from anyone else, but I felt all that I told Carly, was simply unimportant and meant absolutely nothing. I couldn’t believe, I had been so trusting, so bloody stupid, in inviting another person in to my life, who simply had no interest or respect of another, Carly was a person, who blagged her way through life, a person whom used another for self gain and gratification. Carly, had reeled me in, at my most vulnerable, being aware of this, she continued to pull me in and once her fun was over for her, she dropped the net and let me go, amongst all the other suffering women, whom she left to pick up the pieces of the debris, she caused. I am to blame also, I was an adult, I take the responsibility, for allowing her in to my life, especially at a time, where emotions were running high, but then, I needed a release, something to lift me and take me away from the ongoing torment and hurt, I was experiencing, but now I know, this certainly wasn’t the right way.
During the next month, I channeled my thoughts and feelings in to my business, it wasn’t easy and through the trusted help of my ex partner, Becky, whom I treasure dearly as my friend, I got through. The business was steady, it could have been thriving, but my efforts were somewhat half hearted, I was loosing the drive I used to have, although it was my living, I knew, it was only time before I would have to sell, whilst business was good, in order to get a good price. I planned a sale of property, juggling the figures, so that I was aware of my expected sale price, I had the accounts prepared and had everything in order, I also, began to sell some of my furniture and down size on general stuff I had, in readiness for the sale, making sure, I could continue to run the business at it’s full, with my trusted friend, Becky.