CHAPTER 4
I have slept for 7 hours, not realising that my mobile phone is still switched off, oh my life, I panicked, why did I panic, this was because I immediately thought of ……….Becky.
I held my mobile, in readiness for the tone of messages, constantly ringing out, sure enough, my mobile didn’t stop for a few minutes, filtering each text coming through.
In the time I had slept, 33 messages had come through, 29 from Becky, 1 from my mum and 3 from Carly. I replied to my mum in brief, so that she wouldn’t worry and replied, I would call her back later. As far as Carly, her messages read, “I miss you Shar x”, “hi r u ok ? X”, “I am home, text me, I need 2 hear u r ok x”. I immediately texted Carly back, in a frantic, must do now frenzy. My message said, “I’m fine huni, needed to sleep, long trip like u, so glad ur safe x”
At this moment in my life, I felt cornered, I felt like a naughty school girl, who had to explain the why’s and where for’s, for goodness sake, I was 41, not a kid who had come in late from a drunken binge with her mates, I wanted to scream and shout, “why am I being punished, for trying to work hard to make a relationship work and to be knocked down, trying to be kind and warm, why was I riddled with guilt and deceit, I wasn’t the one who was unfaithful, or spoke to another with such disrespect and contempt, why was I feeling this blanket of pressure, to be strong and perform a miracle, to make things better, it wasn’t my job to do this. Oh lord, give me strength……
You know what, the Lord did give me strength, whether he did or not, something or somebody, dished me a lifeline. The blanket lifted, I felt clear in my mind, that very minute. I believe to this day, that I had snapped, not in an aggressive way but in a way, that I realised, it was time to put me first and although my character was scarred by the recent events with Becky, I wanted to maintain the caring side of me, I didn’t want anymore heartache or aggressive exchange, it wasn’t me, even though I placed myself in the relationship with Becky for sometime and should have ended it sooner, but I didn’t have the guts, nor did I deep down, want to end it, as I loved her so much.
I gathered myself along with my thoughts and drove over to Becky’s, was I in for one hell of a shock.
I knocked on the door and Becky appeared in front of me, my face said it all. Becky raised a smile and collapsed in my arms, as I held her, she was weak and uncontrollably sobbing. She had lost so much weight, I was terrified she would be so ill, that there was no turning back. Becky was so lifeless, she had no energy to argue, or even challenge me. I got her to the sofa and held her hand, she was still sobbing, tears literally pouring down her face, she couldn’t even speak. I held her in my arms, all I could feel was a bony body, so weak. I began to cry, I couldn’t believe how deep routed our relationship was, to mentally effect Becky so much.
I lifted her up, I walked her to her bed, so she could lie down, she said, “please, don’t, you will go and I will never see you again”, I replied, “no I won’t go, I will stay with you and lie next to you”, immediately she willingly, lay down and me next to her. It was a situation, I will never forget, 2 people, surrounded by such emotion, I have never experienced such deep love, I had then and yet I knew, even though right now, Becky needed me, I vowed to myself, I will take care of her, as I would any other but my problem was, to be there as a friend and not as a lover, I had to be there for her, no one else knew her like I did and I knew it would take some time, to get Becky back to a mental state, she could handle and become a stronger person, in hope she could let go and find her own way, to make a new life.
It took time as you can imagine, to repair Becky’s heart and in a way, it was meant to happen like this, pain, suffering and heartfelt gestures. We became such good friends again, I saw Becky gain weight, colour return to her cheeks, her funny antics and the side of Becky, I once knew and missed. It certainly wasn’t without challenge nor the odd dig here and there but somehow, we were getting through.
Throughout this emotional and endearing time, I continued to keep in touch with Carly and although Becky was aware of my contact with Carly, there was still a distant pain inside, I could see in her face she was trying so hard to brush off my connection with Carly, she would talk quite openly of our relationship and seemed to accept, up to a point, why I had to move on, it seemed easier, although somewhat cautious at times and I felt, I had to be honest, yet diplomatic and kind to Becky’s ears and soul.
In March 2003, after my spellbinding delights of London, I received a telephone call from Carly. An out of the blue call, as we always planned our contact, down to time and convenience of work schedules.
It was great to hear from her and we chatted for 2 hours, about work, friends, family and of course how Becky was doing. Even Carly, I guess, seemed to have accepted the situation with Becky and seemed to embrace, the importance of my time spent, getting Becky back to some form of normality, which to me, was part of the attraction to Carly, understanding, diplomatic, attentive and sharing situations with me, which in all honesty, was not her responsibility nor her place, to even entertain the fact.
You know when a conversation is coming to an end and you have exhausted all the small chat, well, that’s how I felt. It seemed for the first time, we were pausing, a brief silence on the phone, where you say “are you still there”, the reply is “yes, I’m still here”. I felt I had no choice but to say, “ok huni, I will speak to you later on line, is that ok ?” Carly replied, “sure, I can’t wait”, then a pause again, “Carly are you there ?”, “yes I’m here”, I replied, “what’s wrong, I sense it in your voice”, another pause, “Carly, tell me, what’s wrong”, in those couple of seconds, I knew there was something Carly either wanted to say, or there was something wrong, she replied “Shar, I’ve booked a flight to the UK, for valentines and I will be with you for 12 days, are you happy ?”
Oh my lord was I happy, I had my tent pitched at the airport already, waiting……..I think I deafened her, I replied “yes, yes, I’m so happy, what date, what time, which airport, are you sure, are you really sure, can you afford the flight, oh my life, Carly are you still there ?” all I could hear was Carly laughing so much, she was coughing to get breathe, she laughed and laughed so much, even I laughed to my hearts content, realising how wonderful this news was, that she was travelling yet again, so far, just to me, yes me, I knew in my heart Carly was going to become a more serious part of my life and yes, I was thinking long term, I was right now, letting my guard down to accept the feelings of this woman, was attracted to me, for whom I was and what I needed for me, oh joy. After the uncontrollable laughter had subsided, Carly said, “ok, are you listening to me now”, I replied, “yes, I am”(chuckle), she continued to say, in broken laughter, “I will speak to you online tonight and give you all the details, ok”, I said “ok, yes”. it was at this point, I couldn’t help myself, a moment of yet more madness but I felt it to be, the right time, where I said “I love you”, what the hell was I saying but I felt it, was it out of madness, joy, stupidity or simply I had realised that it was suffice enough, that carly had taken the time and money, to travel half way round the world to see me, yes me. Carly replied “I love you to Shar”, I was elated to hear those words from Carly, it seemed to cement the moment and the long term thoughts I had, of us somehow being together, a happy ever after scenario, you know the one, where there are trials and tribulations but love conquers all, yes ok, let’s move on.
Carly, said “I do love you Shar and we will soon be together, speak later, bye Shar”, I replied, “bye Carly”.
The phone went down, I didn’t move a limb, I simply took a breathe and exhaled, so that my brain wouldn’t pack up on me before she got here. You know what, I began to cry, tears falling down my cheek, it was a combination of happiness, sadness, excitement, loyalty, commitment and the thought of how I am going to explain this to Becky. Am I a fool to think of Becky, do I simply knock Becky in the head, not literally ofcousre, a figure of speech, do I move on and live my life and follow my heart, what if Becky slopes back in to depression, why am I bothering to save Becky’s feelings, what about mine, how can I have a new relationship, based on the care for my ex, impossible, just impossible, I can’t subject Carly to a life of ex trauma and history, how the hell would I feel, no way, I am going to be honest and move forward, I have a chance to start again, to ensure this relationship is honest and clear of passed debris, yes, I’m starting again………..really I am……..hilarious.
I use the word hilarious now of course, as yet again, another sting in the tale, has a habit of biting you in the butt and in my case, my butt was bitten badly.
I had only days before Carly arrived, in the UK, in fact at my house, I felt I had so much to do, yet I hadn’t really, all I had to do was, pick Carly up from the airport and bring her back to my home, for a whole 12 days, yes 12 whole days, oh how I was wanting the time to pass and praying it was today she was going to be with me. My initial panic, was not to do with what I had to do, but how I was to tell Becky, of her visit, in less than 8 days away. It was enough time wasn’t it, to smoothly and calmly tell Becky, wasn’t it…
As I was in such a motivated and certainly excited mood, I grabbed the bull by it’s horns and telephoned Becky, straight away, I small talked my way through, what I can only explain as nervous assertiveness, in hope my voice didn’t sound like a multitude of grovel and edgy one liners. Becky knew me too well, she sensed I was edgy and being too nice and accommodating, oh for goodness sake, again I was protecting her feelings, or was I, did I simply want to be strong, get on with my life and disregard how Becky would feel, no, I just wanted to do what was right, I didn’t want to upset Becky at all, I just needed to move on and share my excitement of Carly coming to me and tell Becky how wonderful I felt, that Carly had surprised me by taking time and financial effort to come and see me again. For crying out loud, why do I have to continue explaining myself to Becky and only Becky. I loved her very much but the love was a respected love, god only knows why, it was history, a part of my life which I shared so much with her, that I was unable to disregard in such a short space of time. I had thought many times, how maybe, I was entering into this romantic mix with Carly, too quickly, too easily and although I felt a speediness to Carly and I, it still felt right, yet I was drawn to maintain a balance of ease for Becky.
Loyalty, what an over rated word, if Becky had been as loyal to me, then we wouldn’t be in this situation would we.
Becky was too astute, as my over acted conversation didn’t convince Becky at all, she said, “ok, are you going to tell me”, I replied, “what do you mean”, she replied, “I know you too well, just spit it out, tell me”. she was right, I was simply skirting around, in hope I would pluck up the courage to tell her. I paused and calmly said, “Carly is coming to see me”, she replied, “when”, I said, “in 7 days time, she lands in the UK and I will pick her up and bring her back to my house”, Becky replied, “how long is she staying for”, I replied, “12 days”, again Becky questioned, “so why is she coming again”, I replied, “to see me, to spend time in the UK”, she replied not to my surprise, “you mean, she’s coming to bed you”, her mood changed, now you know why, I was so reluctant to even discuss it with her. Becky paused again but I replied, “Becky, you wanted me to be honest with you and I’m trying so hard, to think of your feelings, I can’t carry on like this, I’m the one who should be severing all contact with you, but no, instead I care for you and although I know this must be hard for you, deeply I do, what do you want me to do ?” Becky replied, “go and bed her, let’s face it you already have and I hope you are very happy together”, then she put the phone down.
I was supposed to be excited that Carly was coming to see me but instead, I felt worn out upset and wondering what to do next. Frustrating I know, you may be thinking, tell Becky enough, or are you thinking, you should never have met this woman and have a chance at a new life with another, or even get back with Becky, it’s obvious you love each other. Well, I would say we still love each other, but for me, I honestly had the stuffing knocked out of me by Becky and although I love her, I am too scared to start all over again, Becky on the other hand would jump at even the thought of us being together again but I just can’t, not anymore.
That day, I constantly thought about the reaction of Becky, afraid that when Carly arrived, I would be dealing with abuse and anger, I also ignored the phone most of the day, as Becky kept ringing me, in hope I would answer, but what was there to say, was I making it worse not answering or should I answer and receive yet more cutting and sharp edge comments from Becky, I just didn’t know what to do.
I rang Carly in America, something I did quite a lot, the pay card I purchased, was certainly a cheaper way of communication. Carly was busy but found time to talk with me. I explained the conversation I had with Becky and Carly was so understanding, so empathic with me, Carly made it seem no big deal, it was just someone who was voicing off and was hurting but I had no reason to feel guilt nor responsibility for Becky, she was an adult who was dealing with this, in her own way. It seemed so clear when Carly had spoke those words to me, but I knew Carly didn’t know Becky how I did and repercussions were at the top of Becky’s list.
Six days had past and during this time, I felt between the devil and the deep blue sea, managing my thoughts, my words, my life and my business, a pretty tall order, when all of the above, are juggling acts. I never wanted any of this turmoil, which was consuming my life, a life which I had supposedly left behind, obviously not, I had to be strong, I had said this before, I promised myself, I would care for Becky but not be controlled by the constant bombardment of her words, the anchor she had put me in, I had to do something, to ensure Becky again understood, we were over, we were done, it is a closed chapter.
The eve of Carly’s arrival couldn’t come soon enough, I had spoken to Becky and clearly said to her, that no matter what, I would be her friend, if she allowed it to be, I also said, that Carly was arriving tomorrow and I want her visit to be a good one and before Becky could say one letter, I said “Becky, I mean it, if you think of planning to upset me or Carly, or come anywhere near us, I will call the police, this has got to stop”, Becky I think, was taken back by my shaky but assertive tone and seemed to understand, that I was serious. You know what, I was serious, this was nothing to do with Carly anymore, this was Becky’s issue, I had tried so hard to help her get through our break up, it was for goodness sake, time to let go. I know I loved Becky, for the time we had shared, the history, the person she was, but although I still cared for her, there was no more I could do, to make her feel any better.
The day arrived when Carly walked through the arrivals doors, there she was as she had promised, a beaming smile and a hug that was on the border of bone breaking, she whispered, “my beautiful surprise”, I replied, “thank you for making this trip, it is so good to see you”, we quit the bone crushing embrace and made our way to the car and drove home, yes home, where we both could, press the play button again, no stop, no pause, just play.
We arrived back safe and sound, still chatting away about general everyday stuff, keeping the deep, depressing chat well away for now. Carly’s first impressions of my home was, “wow this is cute, not a bad size“, I replied, “I bet not as big as your properties in New York”, she replied, “you are right, it is smaller than my properties, but hey, you have done well”.
You would think, that after such a long journey, sex was the last thing on your mind, not for Carly, she said, “show me your bedroom”, I stood back, looked at her puzzled and re-checking what she had just said, yes she asked, where my bedroom was, I then laughed and replied, “downstairs, you can’t be serious”, she replied, “where’s your sense of adventure, come on, I’ve missed you”, I felt like a sailor, who had been away at sea and this was my 2nd port of call, yes one in every port.
There was a huge smile from Carly, I didn’t know whether she was serious or joking around, oh my, she was serious, she grabbed my hand and said, “lead the way, come on, I’ve missed you so much”, with that, I too smiled and we went downstairs.
Carly, didn’t say a word but began to take my clothes off, I felt exposed, ok wrong expression to use maybe, but I did, for the first time, I felt vulnerable in my own home, I had a sense of guilt, thoughts of Becky, not in a sexual way, but an apologetic cry within. You know what, for a brief minute, as Carly was undressing me, I also felt Carly was invading my life, why was I feeling this, as though she knew what she was doing, a plan or plot. Why the hell was I feeling this, as the last piece of clothing came from me, I began to undress Carly, looking into her eyes, searching for a clue or expression which would dampen my thoughts and feelings, I nervously took one garment of her, as to prolong my thoughts and to digest what was actually happening in front of me. Before I could finish, Carly began to kiss me, she ran her hands up and down my body, pulling me tight to hers, she gently lay me on the bed, where I had no room anymore for thoughts or negative feelings, she took me once again into an immediate ecstasy trip, yet again our intimacy together was powerful, explosive and dominating, a pleasure to be repeated, addictive to the extent of wanting more, in fact everyday, twice a day, sometimes three times a day.
Ok what else did we do, ate, drank, talked, gay clubs, dining out, walking along the beach, all the things you would want to do, when your with such great company. The thoughts I had initially, had dispersed, until two days before Carly was to leave.
Becky had kept her promise, well actually she didn’t promise, but from the conversation we had prior to carly arriving, I had made it clear, no wise cracks or disturbance, whilst Carly was here.
Well, up to now, Becky and I had chatted on the phone, where the conversation seemed calm, civil and somewhat subdued, but I was not going to knock it, we had a break through, so I thought…..
Becky rang first thing in the morning, Carly and I were still in bed, sleeping, yes I assure you sleeping.
I answered the phone and Becky said, “good morning”, I replied, “good morning”, Becky sounded jolly, which was great, so I said, “what are you up to today”, she replied, “I thought I would pop over and see you”, I knew then, her jolly tone, was a smoke screen for the plan she had to come over and begin her onslaught of wise cracks, suppressed anger and bullying tactics, this had to be nipped in the bud now, no more walking on the egg shells with Becky.
I replied, “Becky, we don’t know what we are doing today, we may go out, we don’t know yet”, she replied, “no problem, let me now when your back and I will pop around then”, I replied, getting out of bed, as I wanted to spare Carly of Becky’s call, I replied, “Becky please, we have had this conversation, please don’t come around, it will be best for all of us”, she replied, “you mean best for you both, so you can s… to your hearts content”. at this stage, I should have put the phone down but I didn’t, mindful of, if I do, she will come here anyway, if I stay on the line with her, just maybe, I could calm the situation down, wrong. I said, “Becky, there are two days to go and Carly will be gone”, she replied, “so what, I want to meet her, I want to see what she has that I don’t”, I replied, “please Becky, I am trying so hard to think of your feelings, I have been there for you and continued to walk on egg shells around you, just stop this now”, she replied, “ok, I won’t phone again, while Carly is here”, I said, “thank you Becky”, with this, Becky hung up.
I went back in to Carly, who was somewhat angry too, which up to a point, I can understand, she has had to be under the shadow of Becky, ever since we met. Yes, we have explored, enjoyed and whipped up quite a stir between us, but Becky just won’t let go.
Carly displayed a coldness towards me but not quite enough to disturb my fears, she was attentive, with a twist of edge to her conversations and her closeness towards me, I began to feel, her interest towards me, was slowly turning off. Carly still remained jolly, happy go lucky, but it seemed the Becky situation had now touched a deep nerve.
That day we both tried to get on with our plans, I knew I was mindful of maybe Becky simply turning up at the door, I just had this feeling and Carly, although there was a chink in her armour, she also remained cautious, but pretty cool about it all.
We decided to have a movie day, curl up together and watch movies, one being, “my big fat Greek wedding”, I had not seen it before and oh was it funny, I really enjoyed it. We drank coffee, then wine, ate Doritos and proper food as well, but basically had a great day together, oh and of course more intimate delight, at this rate, I will need a rest.
The day had ended on a high, one more day to go, then Carly had to leave.
I haven’t really elaborated on the background of Carly have I, for you to get a picture, of her, I will give you a brief run down, as I am sure, you will draw for yourself, your own opinion and conclusion, of the real Carly, or will you……
Carly was born in New York, an only child, in 1963. Her mum and dad live a simple life, not wealthy but happy, along with her grandmother, who’s health is a concern, but is well looked after. Carly owns property in New York, worth millions of dollars and yet boasts a simple and modest lifestyle, where she works as a sales consultant, travelling a lot abroad, for a large international company.
Her home also is small, but enough for her and her cat, which she loves dearly. Her friends are many, mixing in circles, where parties and travelling are a social pleasure. Her relationship broke up 6 months prior, to meeting me and after 13 years, her relationship came to an end, due to her partner drinking and the breakdown was irretrievable. Carly spoke occasionally about her ex Elly, but kept it to a bare minimum because after all, in Carly’s words, “ it was over“. Carly actually, showed me a picture of Elly and in my opinion, she was an attractive woman, dark hair, olive skin, lovely complexion, of I would say, a Spanish look, in actual fact she was Peutro Rican.
Carly enjoyed embroidery so much, she was a member of an embroidery group, where she made lots of things, to which some were as gifts to people.
Carly, from the day we made contact, right up to the end, did I say end, never, made sure where ever she was or who she was with, kept in touch with me, making sure, I was priority, she made me feel wanted and showed great interest in all I did, no matter how boring sometimes, I knew some things were to her. Things like the business, unknown trivial conversations with customers, places she knew nothing about etc, etc……
Carly always maintained her aspirations to be, in a happy relationship, to promote herself within the company, to make yet more millions of dollars, owning property, yes aspirations, this sounded so exciting, was I to be a part of her life, was I too going to share her success and help her to achieve all she had set out to accomplish. It was at the back of my mind to sell the business, invest my money and accumulate not millions but at least a modest return and live in New York, with Carly.
The last day had arrived and all was well, we woke up smiling and generally feeling good, although deep down I felt sad that Carly had to go home, I thought it’s ok, we will see each other again, this time I will go to America and see her.
No sooner had we got up and had coffee, the doorbell rang, I laughed and said, “who is this, I’m in my dressing gown”, Carly replied, “is it Becky”, you know, I didn’t even think it could be Becky, it couldn’t be. I waited, then the doorbell went again, I then thought, oh it’s the postman, he rings the bell if he has a large parcel. I went to the door and the bell went again, I shouted, “ok, I’m coming”. I opened the door slightly and…….
It was Becky, I drained, my face a picture, before I could say anything, Carly sang, “stop, wait Mr postman, whey hey hey hey Mr postman”, I drained some more and Becky pushed open the door and blasted past me, straight through to Carly in the back room. I frantically slammed the door shut, came running through, where I saw Becky just standing looking at Carly. Carly’s face was a picture of shock, eyes wide open, literally, a movie moment.
I said, “Becky please, don’t start anything please”, “why are you here, you promised Becky, this is not fair”, Becky turned to me and said, “Shar, I never promised and like I said, I wanted to meet Carly, just to see what she has that I don’t”, oh my, I was shaking from head to toe, panting furiously, trying hard to control myself and the potentially lethal situation this could be. I was angry and scared for Carly and I knew that I had to defuse Becky, before she lashed out at Carly, or even me.
I said, “Becky, look at me”, she looked at me and slowly walked towards me, her eye’s staring in to mine, “please Becky, will you leave, this is not the way, this is not going to solve anything, please Becky, this is between you & me, not Carly, she has done nothing wrong, please, I promise I will ring you tomorrow, please Becky”.
Becky stood facing me, her eyes fixated on me, it was deadly silence, Carly stood still and said nothing, I was hoping Carly would not move nor say a word, for a brief moment, it seemed Becky was calming down, I could see her eyes beginning to relax, her face not so stern or tight, I felt she was relaxing, I knew her, I could read her, I know in my heart, she would have left and uncontrollably, sobbed herself to sleep, I knew she would have walked away, then the moment I thought would never come…
It took two words, just two measly words, to inject the most lethal dose of female adrenalin and floor show, I am sure Carly had ever seen. The words were “Becky leave“, not please, not Becky I go tomorrow, please leave and you won‘t see me again, not Becky I see your pain, not Becky I see your love for Shar, so tomorrow I will be gone, anything but Becky leave, why didn‘t she just say nothing, why couldn‘t she simply read the situation, why, why……
Becky slowly turned like the scene in “The Shinning“, the quote “it‘s Becky“……..she faced Carly and the worst part was, Carly squared up to her, she actually stood stiff, prepared for the charge of a bull, and said, “Becky you may scare Shar, but you don‘t scare me“, “you are a bully, not a caring, romantic woman, you have drained Shar for all she has, you have beat her down, mentally and emotionally“, “if you are the person, Shar says you can be, then why show this anger, this aggression, it is past the jealous, selfish stage with you, it is purely bullying now and you are not displaying a woman in despair and emotional turmoil, you are pushing the one person away, that right now has stood by you, even though, you were the one who broke her heart”, “do you want her as a friend or do you want a life without her there at all, for gods sake grow up and if you want to fight, choose someone who doesn’t give a dam, then you will really know where you stand”.
Oh my life…..the room fell to a deafening silence, a room with three women in a triangle, drained and hearts beating out of each chest. No one moved a limb, it was a moment of waiting until the next woman, would be brave enough to speak or twitch that little finger, as to make sure, they were still alive.
Then came the moment I didn’t expect, I wasn’t prepared for this one at all. Becky turned to me and began to sob, her body shaking with the intake of breathe between her relentless crying. I didn’t hesitate to put my arms around her, she needed some form of comfort, some reassurance that she wasn’t alone, I felt so sad, so hurt inside, that she couldn’t let her feelings go.
Carly immediately, poured Becky a drink, she handed it to Becky, not caring, the glass could have been thrown through the window or even in her face. Becky accepted the gesture and knocked it back in one, cringing at the alcohol bite and taking her breathe briefly, before the tears subsided.
Becky sat down and calmly said, “I will leave when Shar tells me to”, Becky couldn’t help herself, she always broke the olive branch given to her, she sometimes couldn’t grasp the concept of diplomacy or empathy, it was always Becky’s terms, Becky’s way and if you chose your own way, it was a price to pay in