Stephen and I are now four years from that dreadful night when I really despaired for my marriage. What has been realized over that time is the exact opposite of my worst fear that night. We have actually grown much closer and stronger because of the way we were forced to deal with ego.
My catharsis has been writing and talking with him endlessly. This has been a process of discovery—not only about our lives together as Dominique and Henri—but who we are at our soulful core. The examination of past life experiences has not been a wasted effort looking back, it has helped us to look forward. We have been given a much greater understanding of the issues our respective souls have faced and tried to deal with through experience after experience. We are in the process of awakening our soul consciousness and embracing the truth of our God-given magnificence.
All of the understanding and clarity our souls experience in Spirit is veiled upon our incarnation into human form. Our goal in reconnecting with our past lives is to open the veil a little bit to reveal our true path. We are all connected and it is through love that we can truly grow and evolve.
Our soul journey, Stephen’s and mine, began a very long time ago. Time and time again within this incarnation, there have been glimpses of our connection, to each other and to those around us. The moments when Spirit has left us a little reminder have been numerous. Adding credence to their importance, those tiny moments have been extremely memorable. They are a little wake-up call for our souls, a fingerprint, as it were, left from a previous incarnation—a different time.
For the two of us, our first glimpse happened quite a while before we were married. Stephen, raised Catholic, had reached an age when he no longer really embraced all the tenets of that religion, but had not given much consideration to what he did believe. I, on the other hand, had been “searching” for the spiritual message that resonated and had begun to find that in new age books, which I read voraciously.
One night, while I slept, Stephen was awakened by a glow at the end of his bed. A “portal” opened and within the ethereal perimeter, he saw five people. You might imagine that a sight like this would prove jarring but the overwhelming wave of warmth, energy and love put his mind to rest. Two people seemed the most significant, a man and a woman, the woman taking lead on communication. Conversation was more in the form of a wave of thought, rather than words. She was sophisticated, older with graying hair, and she had a string of pearls around her neck. The man looked very much like an accountant, Stephen later told me, with dark hair, glasses, a bushy moustache, and a white robe.
The message he got was that I was the person with whom he was meant to spend his life. After verifying that she meant me, the next message was that our union would result in three children and they were the reason that our union was so important. The other three people in the vision were the souls of the three children slated to come to us. The experience, so filled with pure love, was very emotional and brought him to tears. While he did not have the vocabulary to fully explain what had occurred, he was convinced that heavenly beings had intervened to give us a glimpse of what our lives meant this time around.
We have spent our lives with the knowledge that our marriage was held in the hand of destiny. And it has been a journey that has been truly blessed. Our children are amazing gifts from God and we are thankful for their presence in our lives each and every day. I hope that they will understand why I am so very grateful for the crack that appeared in our lives. Despite the difficulties and hurt that resulted from the whole situation, it was valuable. If I had it to do over, I would change nothing. There is a Leonard Cohen song that expresses it so perfectly: “There are no perfect offerings, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” For me a giant light was shone on my fears, my need to control and how ego has kept me from my higher self. I thank the Universe for creating the crack that allowed the light of my personal truth to fill my soul. The issues that Stephen and I faced, and faced together, have made us stronger and more in tune with one another than we have ever been.
Forgiveness is a slow process and is always the most benefit to the one having to do the forgiving. It is a gift you give yourself, but that is not to say it is an easy path. Much of our discussions have revolved around the soul versus the ego. It is my belief that ego must take the seat at the very back of the bus before any real forgiveness can happen. In our human interactions, we must be vulnerable and vulnerability only happens when we recognize ego and its place in our psyche.
To be truly vulnerable, you need to open yourself up, heart and soul. The ego seeks to provide a shell, hiding vulnerability. “I won’t let him hurt me again.” “I can’t let her see that I am scared.” We deny our innermost fears to protect ourselves – that is what ego does. It encourages those fears by telling us that we really are not worthy, not loveable, not beautiful—not enough. Then it steps in to be our protector but from what does ego protect us? Loving too much, having extraordinarily close relationships with those around us, believing the truth of who we really are? Ego has been described as “edging God out” and I believe this to be true. It is through vulnerability that we are truly able to connect and that connection brings us closer to God.
Our real work started when we each came to honest terms with our own vulnerabilities. For me, it was fear of being abandoned; for Stephen, it was becoming irrelevant and inadequate. We had to get to the point where we could share those thoughts and fears and let them go in order to move forward. Once you truly understand another’s vulnerabilities, any hurts caused by acting out on those fears loses its power to destroy. Stephen’s actions were driven by a need to feel better about himself; mine were driven by the need to do the same. It’s also important to note that we could not have even begun this process if there hadn’t been the complete understanding that whatever we put on the table would not be judged. It was this trust that allowed for the truth to be complete. Ego has a way of hanging on to something we did a long time ago and making that the power plant for our fears. Ego says “Oh, don’t tell about that, they’ll never forgive you!” And yet, when we do reveal something in a non-judging environment, the power noticeably dissipates.
The real benefit of letting go of ego, for me, has been an awakened soul consciousness. And the discovery of this story has helped me reach that point. How can anyone believe they are not enough when you are faced with the existence of an eternal soul? I am learning to embrace that we are each a spark of divinity, a little drop of the energy that is God, and that we are all connected in a way that interweaves our souls together, incarnation after incarnation.
There can be no learning or growing in a situation that is ultimately comfortable. It is through being stretched out of our comfort zones that we can begin to learn our lessons. I am in awe of a Universe that leads us so lovingly into those experiences, always with our best interests at heart—even when it doesn’t feel like it is for the best. I believe that we are the architects, pre-incarnation, of the experiences on the path, and we also have free will during our human experience but throughout all there is a structure, a divine presence at our backs. That divine presence goes to great lengths to keep us on path and ensure our highest good.
I have learned that the Universe wants us to feel connected to each other. We were made aware of eighteen souls that shared both incarnations with us. Eighteen people. Each of those people are on their own paths of discovery but we have all worked together to move forward towards evolution. This fact further evidences that we are all connected and need to treat others the same way we would like to be treated. The person on the street corner, begging for change, might have been your mother in a previous lifetime. This world needs a change in perspective. Things like war and poverty and suffering will only change when we start to truly feel the connection. We ARE the Universe; we are the ones who can bring change. And it starts with love.
I have learned to let-go. The only thing we have any control over is our own responses and reactions. That was huge for me. I’ve always been “the fixer”. I realize now that to try to fix something or control outcomes is extraordinarily misguided. Everything happens for a reason. Insinuating myself to make everything okay is potentially robbing someone of the experience they needed to grow. Now, that is not to say, you should not offer a helping hand or a kind word but it does mean that you cannot be married to a specific outcome. There is no way to know if the undesired outcome might just be the best one, in the long run.
I also want to say that the entire process that Stephen and I went through bringing out this story has given us a tremendous sense of peace. Our egos sit fairly quietly in the back of the bus, yet still remind us from time to time that they are there. Ego never really goes away. Fear and doubt seem to have taken a back seat along with ego, which is an incredible feeling. I feel that ultimately, we were able to achieve this, by simply letting go. It’s all the Universe wants of us – to let go.
I have learned that we are all on our own individual paths and that our connections are designed to help us grow on that path—whether they are positive interactions or difficult ones. The soul closest and dearest to you in Spirit might be your antagonist in this incarnation; a role chosen so that you might grow closer to your goal of lessons learned. I have learned to have gratitude for difficult people and difficult situations. I have learned that sometimes our darkest chapters lead us to the best part of our story.
But mostly, I have learned that I am a beautiful, divine expression of God on Earth. I am born of a divine spark, with a divine purpose—I am, in a word, enough.