Have you ever felt:
Anxious?
Helpless?
Worthless?
Powerless?
Out of control?
Unfairly punished?
Ridiculed?
Harassed?
Hurt?
Vengeful?
Ashamed?
Angry?
Humiliated?
Frustrated?
Insecure?
Lonely?
Enraged?
Unloved?
Rejected?
Violent?
Ambitious?
Greedy?
Pressured to conform?
Pressured to compete?
Scared?
Afraid of not "making it"?
Afraid of not living up to the expectations of others?
In other words, have you ever felt that everybody is picking on you?
Well, if you have had these feelings, then guess what? You have felt like a victim and you have felt like a bully! The desperate feelings listed above are feelings shared by both bullies and victims. The painful thought of "What did I do to deserve this?" is a thought that has entered the minds of both the bully and the victim the bully picks on!
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What happens, then, is a vicious circle: The bully who picks on someone also feels like a victim - someone who has been picked on.
Bullying is a "Lose/Lose" Situation We all want what we want. This is neither good nor bad; it's just a fact. The problem begins when we try to push another person into doing what we want. This is bullying.
We might believe that if everybody thought and acted the way we do, the world would be a better place. We can think this as much as we want; there's no right or wrong about it.
The problem comes, however, when we try to force another
'person into thinking and acting the way we do. This is bullying.
Have you ever bullied someone? I have. At times throughout my life, I've tried to get people to do things by pushing them and intimidating them. This is called a "win/
lose" situation. Somebody wins and somebody loses.
If you have bullied someone in a situation like this, you may already know that it's a losing game. You may have the strength to bully someone and make them do what you want but, in the end, you're not getting what you really want. That person may do what you want for the moment, but once you leave, he or she will go back to being whoever they are. What you really need - real caring and affection -
you don't get.
It's really a "lose/lose" situation: your victim loses self-esteem, and you lose self-respect.
We all feel hurt, anger, hatred and malice at times. It's not an easy world that we live in. It's okay, to feel that you would 79
like to hurt someone, but it is not okay to actually do it. As human beings, with clear thinking minds and respect for one another's humanity, we have the responsibility to not hurt each other and to deal with our thoughts and feelings in nonviolent ways. Unfortunately, sometimes we step over the line and someone does get hurt. We are not perfect. The most important thing to remember is -
to try, each time, to
nonviolently deal with your anger towards another. Even though you may slip and hurt someone, if your intention is there to not hurt, perhaps the next time you will be more alert and sensitive.
Roleplaying: For Bullies Only
Here are some roleplaying exercises for acting out peaceful ways to win. If you're not used to being peaceful, these exercises may feel strange at first. But I know you will get the hang of them with a little practice.
Here's how to do it. Read the part of the Bully as well as the part of the Bully's Alter Ego (the Bully's thoughts and feelings). The lines in italics should not be read; the Bully should act these out.
Remember:
1. Really get into the part.
2. Act out the Alter Ego (what you think and feel).
3. Stop! And think!
4. Ask for help if you need it.
5. Use the script to think up your own roleplays.
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Roleplay #1
Bully:
(Alter Ego #1) "Boy, I really feel like letting this kid have it.
He's acting like a crybaby." Bully gets ready to punch the kid.
STOP! THINK!
Bully:
(Alter Ego #2) ''Yeah, but what good will it do to hit this mama's boy? He's just trying to get sympathy." Bully unclenches his fist.
Bully:
"Why are you acting like such a wimp? You're just feeling sorry for yourself."
Questions:
1. How did it feel to get angry with the kid?
2. How did it feel to almost punch him?
3. How did it feel to let the fist go?
4. How did it feel to talk to the kid?
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Roleplay #2
Bully:
(Alter Ego # 1) "I know she's better off than me. Look at those neat clothes and that super car her parents drive. I feel like giving her a hard time. She's always showing off."
STOP! THINK!
Bully:
(Alter Ego #2) ''Yeah, but who cares, anyhow? I don't really like that type of dress. Maybe someday I'll earn enough money to have fine clothes. Why waste my time on this? I've got better things to do. She does look great, though."
Bully:
"Hi, Sarah. I like what you're wearing. You look great."
Questions:
1. How did it feel to get angry with Sarah?
2. How did it feel to want to give her a hard time?
3. How did it feel to let go of your hostile feeling?
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4. How did it feel to give Sarah a compliment?
Roleplay #3
Bully:
(Alter Ego # 1) "I know he bumped into me on purpose. I'll show him!" Bully gets ready to punch the other person.
STOP! THINK!
Bully:
(Alter Ego #2) "He apologized, said it was an accident. Look at the look on his face. He's afraid of me." Bully relaxes.
Bully:
"Okay. I accept your apology. Accidents happen. Just be more careful next time."
Questions:
1. How did it feel to get bumped into?
2. What memories came to mind when you got bumpecp 3. Did the apology sound sincere?
4. What did the fear on his face tell you?
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5. How did it feel to accept his apology?
Roleplay #4
Bully:
(Alter Ego #1) "What a stuck-up kid she is. Won't even look at me. Thinks she's too good for me."
STOP! THINK!
,
Bully:
(Alter Ego #2) "Okay, she's stuck-up. Why should I let that get to me? I'm okay. I don't need to walk around with my nose in the air."
Bully:
''You know, I think you've got a problem. How come you're so stuck on yourself? You know, you could have more friends if you weren't so conceited."
Questions:
1. How did you get the thought that she was"too good" for you?
2. How did it make you feel to think of her as "stuck-up"?
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3. What made you take your focus off of her and to see yourself as "okay"?
4. How did it feel to tell her that she has a problem?
5. Do you want to be friends with her?
Roleplay #5
Bully:
(Alter Ego # 1) "What a nerd. Look at that jerk's jacket. Full of inky pens and scraps of paper. What a brain. Maybe I'll knock his squeaky bike over."
STOP! THINK!
Bully:
(Alter Ego #2) "Hey, he could help me with my math. He's a real whiz at it."
Bully:
"Listen, maybe you could do me a favor. Maybe I could do you one in return? I'm good at working on bikes; you're good at algebra. Maybe we could trade."
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Questions:
1. How did it feel to want to push the kid around -
put
him down and knock over his bike?
2. What happened inside you when you stopped and thought?
3. How did you feel when you remembered he's got a sharp brain for math, your weakest subject?
4. How did it feel to express an interest in working with him instead of pushing him around?
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Roleplay #6
Bully:
(Alter Ego #1) "What a weakling. She can't even do one chin-up!"
STOP! THINK!
Bully:
(Alter Ego #2) "I guess that's not her thing. I wouldn't want to be that skinny, but I guess that's her business."
Bully:
"Hey, bones! Just kidding. Need help with your training? Let me give you a couple of tips. Honest! Come over here and I'll show you how to be Superwoman in no time. I'm serious!
There's hope for those bony biceps!"
Questions:
1. How did it feel to want to call her a weakling?
2. What thought went through your head when you went from putting her down to sympathizing with her?
3. How did it feel to kid her?
4. . How did it feel to offer her help?
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5. How did it feel to make the situation humorous?
These are a few examples of what can run through your head and what you can do to change your negative thinking to positive thinking. The point to r·emember is that although you may think and feel like bullying someone, you don't have to.
You have the power to turn your thinking around. Sometimes doing it takes more strength than bullying.
There are times when we all feel hurt, and times when we all want to strike out. But if we STOP and THINK, we can find peaceful ways to behave and still get what we want.
Talking Things Over
If you feel angry, talk to someone. Tell them how you feel.
It's okay to feel! No matter what the feeling is! If your brain is full of revengeful thoughts, share them with a trusted friend.
Sometimes just talking can help relieve the tension created by hurtful or fearful thoughts and feelings.
There are people around who care and want to help you.
You are not bad or wrong. But you may need to make some change so you can feel better. It may seem tough at first, but you can do it! Millions of people who grow up in terrible situations and become bullies learn how to grow out of it.
They understand that the way out of it is a new way into their own minds - a different way of looking at things and a real desire to change.
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What you need to change your behavior:
1. Interest in wanting to change.
2. Energy that inspires a feeling of wanting to act.
3. Commitment to carry it through.
4. Awareness of what is happening.
5. Skills that provide the ability to change.
6. Alternatives for acting differently.
Do you have these qualifications? If you are a bully, or if you are someone who has been bullied, you can change and do things that will help you. Here are a few suggestions: 1. Talk to your parents about what you feel.
2. Request a family time when you can all share your lives together.
3. Think and talk about ways you can get what you want without hurting other people.
4. Practice these ways.
5. Appreciate who you are and praise yourself for doing things you feel proud of.
6. Instead of teasing your friends and family, help them.
7. Communicate in ways that make you feel good and make others feel happy.
8. Find friends that support the positive sides of yourself.
9. Watch healthy, nonviolent television programs.
10. Play video games that make you feel creative and peaceful. Many of them are even more exciting and challenging than the violent ones.
11. Be selective in choosing movies to see.
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12. Read books, magazines and comics that make you think, laugh, or cry. There are thousands that are interesting and fun, that make you feel cooperative instead of aggressive.
13. Create activities that include, and make, friends.
14. Learn how to speak in a way that promotes understanding and cooperation.
15. Find ways to build up your confidence so that you don't have to fight (out of fear) to defend yourself or to get what you want.
16. Realize that fighting is not a healthy means of getting what you want.
17. Get help if you need it from a qualified professional (teacher, counselor, school administrator or psychologist).
If you broke your leg, you would go to a doctor for help, wouldn't you? It's the same thing. No matter how strong we are, sometimes we simply need help.
You can change!
You just have to want to.
It's up to you,
with a little help from your friends!
