The Meaning of Success
Do you know what a "pecking order" is? The phrase is derived from the lifestyle of chickens. When the toughest chickens are asserting their authority over the weaker ones, they actually peck them into submission.
We humans have our own means of establishing a pecking order - from the subtle violence of kids using verbal threats, to one nation challenging another.
Do you see people in your school or neighborhood working to become "successful"? What does being successful mean to you?
1. Getting the friends you want?
2. Having a CD player, fashionable clothes, state-of-the-art equipment?
3. Being healthy?
4. Being a loving, caring person?
5. Getting along with other people?
6. Contributing to world peace?
We learn the meaning of "success" from adults. They learned about "success" from adults when they were children, and now we learn it from them. There are different meanings for "success." For some people, it's having millions of dollars; for others, it's living a healthy life.
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Many people associate success with winning, being right, or getting to the top. In order to achieve this kind of success, people sometimes:
1. Compete with others in conflicting ways.
2. Say one thing and do another.
Competition that is friendly and cooperative doesn't hurt anyone. However, competition that is hostile can hurt everyone. We can also be hurt by people who say one thing and do another. These people are called hypocrites. For example, someone who says, "Be gentle, cooperate," and whose actions are hostile and competitive, is a hypocrite.
Our world today is hypocritical. It says, "Don't be a bully; it's not nice; it's not good." But many people are bullies and earn money, power and honor for the bullying they do.
There are some lawyers who dress in expensive suits and advise their clients to lie: "Say what I tell you to say, and we'll get you off easy."
There are some doctors who wouldn't take some of the pills they prescribe, but they say: "Take this medicine. It may have a few minor side effects, but it'll kill the pain."
There are some real estate brokers who try to sell a home they know has problems. They insist: ''You'd be crazy not to grab this house."
We don't need destructive competition in the world today; we need cooperation. If we truly want cooperation, we need to stop being bullies, we need to learn how to deal nonviolently with bullies, and we need to take a hard look at how we are living our lives. We can make a good living financially and live sane and healthy lives without being bullies -
and wind up
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healthier and happier!
Being aware of our human pecking order is the first step in not getting caught up in it. There are many creative, exciting and rewarding careers and ways to be in this world without becoming a bully or getting involved in a pecking order. Talk about these with your family and friends. This could be a good topic of discussion at one of your family or school "talk times."
It is generally accepted in the world today that violence, competition, attaining success, dominance and power are
"good" things, heroic ideals. When you came into this world, this view was already well in place. Therefore, you may have come to accept this as normal and natural - but that doesn't mean it is.
Although you live in a competitive, violent society, you do not have to live your life that way. What you think and feel represents who you are. Your thoughts and feelings are reflected in your actions. If you have "positive" thoughts and feelings, you will act in a positive way. If you have "negative"
thoughts and feelings, you will act in a negative way. How you think and feel and, therefore, how you act depends on you and your attitude.
You Are What You Remember
In school, you learn "subject matter" information such as math, history and geography. Your brain remembers that 10 x 8 = 80, and that Columbus discovered America in 1492.
In addition to that kind of information, your brain remembers "thought and feeling" information, such as painful 95
and pleasurable events. If, for example, you broke your brother's bike and were punished harshly for it (perhaps your parents told you that you were "bad" or "no good"), memories of that incident are stored away in your brain, along with other images from other past incidents.
As you go through life and experience hurt, your brain stores these memories. This accumulation of past experiences of hurt, anger and frustration contribute to "negative attitudes," which are part of who you are. Have you heard people say that you are what you eat? Well, in this case, you are what you remember.
Sometimes our minds play tricks on us. We think to ourselves:
"I feel hurt, so I must deserve being hurt."
"I feel bad, so I must be bad."
If you've ever thought this way, you are not alone. All of us have past experiences that cause us to have negative beliefs about ourselves. Here is a story from my own life: When I was young like you and in school, I had an image of myself as being stupid - and it hurt. Because I wasn't a
"good" student and getting high grades, my friends and teachers had an image of me as a "bad" student, and not very smart. In high school, the college counselor even told me that I would never get into college. I began to believe in this opinion others had of me. This negative image became a belief and affected how I saw myself and the world; I believed that I was bad because others told me so. Slowly, I began to replace this 96
negative information I had stored from the past with new information from my own observations and experiences of myself. And, by the way, I went on to college and received a Doctorate Degree in Psychology, and also taught at college!
See what can happen when you free yourself from negative thinking!
Can you think of anything that happened to you in the past that causes you to think negatively about yourself today?
What is it?
. Turning Negative Thoughts
Into Positive Thoughts
If yesterday's experiences of pain dwell in your mind, these experiences will affect the way you relate to other people today.
Here's something you can do about it. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself: 1. Recognize that these "negative" thoughts and feelings are happening in you.
2. Just allow the "negative" or "bad" thoughts and feelings to be there. Don't judge them. Don't do anything about them. Just let them be there -
and look at them.
3. Talk about your negative thoughts and feelings with someone you trust. It's important to pick someone, even if you feel scared about trusting anyone.
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4. Look at these thoughts and feelings and notice that they have to do with the past and need not interfere with
who you are now.
5. Focus on the things in your life that are good, instead of on past hurts. Start with one good thought; then let others come into your mind.
6. Substitute truthful, positive thoughts and feelings about yourself and your special talents. Everyone has something to offer. Think about it. What's your special something?
Life doesn't judge you. You do! Life doesn't hold on to what hurt you yesterday. Your mind does! Life is new and fresh every moment. Your thoughts are old and from the past!
The wonderful thing about living
is that life is always forgiving.
Knowing this, you can be responsible for who you are now.
You can be the person you want to be now. The only thing holding you back is you!
Remember:
1. Understand negative thinking.
2. See your real gifts.
3. Think helpful thoughts.
4. Live in this period of time called now.
5. See the world as fresh and new.
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I know there is a person you want to be that maybe a little different from the person you are now. Know that the person you are now is good and worth being. The following, however, are thoughts to help you become even more of the person you want to be. Say to yourself: 1. I belong by contributing.
2. I can make intelligent decisions and am responsible for my own behavior.
3. I am interested in cooperating.
4. I can decide to not fight.
5. I can find acceptable, healthy ways to get what I need without bullying.
6. I can find positive ways to express my emotions.
Say these over and over again and you will see changes begin.
