HANNAH
I open my eyes, blinking around carefully, but it takes a bit of time before I get used to the light. My gaze falls to the face of the digital watch. Holy heaven! It’s 10 o'clock! My body is filled with a pleasant tingling. It’s some kind of muscle soreness, but a pleasing variety. If I think about what we did last night, and how many times, I doubt that I would even be able to get out of bed at all. Jamie’s lying splayed out next to me, his arm on my stomach, his knee on my thigh, as if he wants to hold me beside him even in his dream. It’s not that I have any intention of going anywhere. Not without him, and not after what has happened between the two of us in the last few days. I don’t know what will come of this, but I can’t even imagine that I would ever want to be apart from him again. It even takes too much effort to slip out of the bed from next to him and visit the toilet. Ooh, but I will need too! I try to pull myself towards the edge of the bed carefully. I don’t want to wake him up. I’m surprised he’s still sleeping so peacefully, although he said that he’s basically a poor sleeper and doesn’t even need too much sleep. Maybe I have this exhausting effect on him? Well, if I think about what he accomplished last night, he will certainly sleep through the whole day. I’m just about to stand up when a hand grabs my wrist. I smile. So much for the deep sleep. I turn around and crawl back towards him. He’s a beautiful sight. Dishevelled and totally drowsy. I kiss his whole hand from his finger tip until his shoulder, then further to his neck, and I linger at his earlobe. He sighs deeply, and his hardness drills into my stomach enticingly. He embraces my back possessively, and caresses me softly with his fingertip. I suck deeply into myself, and store the vertiginous feeling of waking up together. The perfect moment, the man perfect for me, and I hope more than anything that I’m perfect for him also. His hard shaft presses against my groin and he writhes promisingly. The muscles in my lower stomach twitch with pleasure in response. I’m pretty sure that more will come out of our intimate cuddling soon, but before that I need to go out to the toilet. I whisper into his ear, flatteringly, not to go anywhere because I have plans for him, and he laughs sexily.
“You just rest! I’ll bring us something to drink, alright?” – I say, and slide off him.” – What would you prefer, milk or orange juice?”
“Milk” – he answers in such a lustful voice, as if he wasn’t talking about the while coloured beverage, but about something very different.
I slip into my bathrobe, take one more look at him before stepping out of the room.
“Hurry back!” – He growls, still drowsily, and pulls the blanket higher on himself.
No need for encouragement. I strive to slip back as soon as possible next to the world’s most rugged guy, who, by the way, is relaxing exactly in my bed.
I quickly manage the necessary, fix my matted mane a bit, brush my teeth and wash my face, and then direction: kitchen. I glance towards Rachel’s room. The door is closed; I don’t hear any noise. I have no idea if she came home or maybe spent the night at JJ’s. I was occupied last night with something very different, so I probably wouldn't even have noticed if she had come home anyway. I can’t help but constantly smile like a monkey with a new banana. Humming, I take out the milk carton from the fridge, and put it on a tray along with a package of fruit muesli. I reach up for a clean glass on the upper shelf of the cupboard, when I notice a door slamming and the noise of steps behind my back. I whirl around, and I find myself in front of Rachel’s weary mug. She’s wearing a spaghetti strap shirt and short pants. Her hair is dishevelled; the night obviously exhausted her, I just don't’ know exactly for which reason.
“Rach!” – bursts out from me, surprised, and I unconsciously pull the bathrobe around me even tighter.
She mistrustfully measures me up with furrowed eyebrows, while I look behind her back to see if maybe JJ is in her track, but there’s no sign of him having spent the night here. I know that I made a promise to myself that I would clear up the conflict between the two of us as soon as possible, but now I still have the feeling that we are both too hungover for such a serious conversation. Besides that, Jamie's waiting for me in bed, and the opportunity for me to quickly slip into his arms is somehow more appealing than a harsh encounter with Rachel. “Scardey cat” – I hear the blaming voice of my conscience, and I roll my eyes to myself. It’s a fact that I hate conflict, and I would most of all like to run away from every encounter, but after what happened yesterday I really can’t put this off. We stare each other down, like two cowboys in a western, with their hands on their holsters, ready to jump. Now or never! I take a deep breath and start to say:
“Rachel, we need to talk! This thing at the gala yesterday really crossed the line.”
“I hope you don’t expect me to apologise, because there’s no way” – she spits out with so much hate that I shiver at it.
“To be honest,” – I continue, shaking with disappointment and indignation. – “I feel an apology would be exactly right here. After how you dishonestly humiliated me, and practically branded me as a lewd slut in front of complete strangers, it would be the minimum.”
“You only have yourself to blame for what happened. I didn’t say anything that’s not true” – she flashes her gaze on me, sharply, accusingly.
“That’s bullshit! You also know exactly that it’s not as black and white as you interpreted it. I didn’t dive headfirst into Jamie’s bed right after River’s death. Moreover, I haven’t had a single relationship since I’ve been a widow. No one knows better than you what I went through. I traversed the depths of hell for many years, and you were a witness to all of it. I believed that we were friends” – my voice catches. – “If there was anyone I didn’t expect to stab me in the back in such a villainous way, it was you.”
She takes a few steps closer to me, and when I notice her shaking hand pressing into a fist, I’m afraid she’ll jump on me. Holy Father in heaven! How did we get to this point? She states, her lips shaking with emotion:
“But why exactly him? Why exactly Jamie?”
I look at her with squinted eyes, and slowly start to shake my head. Suddenly all the hints jump to mind which Gran and Bree dropped with respect to her. There’s something really wrong here.
“Actually why does it bother you at all that Jamie and I are together. Where is this sudden attack of morality coming from? I didn’t know you as a voluntary morality policeman.”
“Oh my god, Hannah!” – She lets out an angry exhale, and runs her fingers through her hair wildly. – “What exactly do you know about me? You say that we are best friends, but couldn’t ever see past yourself. You were always only interested in your own small fairy tale world. Sleeping beauty, who was saved by a prince on a white horse. River Hailey, the perfect man. And now Jamie! It wasn’t enough?” – She pours out, almost hysterically, and finally – unfortunately too late – the wool is pulled down from my eyes. I clutch the edge of the kitchen counter.
“Holy shit, Rachel. You’re in love with Jamie.”
Her face turns purple-red, and she stares at me as if she wants to kill me with her gaze. She doesn’t even need to answer. The situation is clear.
“Since when?” – I whisper, destroyed.
“Go fuck yourself, Hannah” – she spits out, and turns towards the bathroom.
“But … but I don’t get it!” – I yell after her, and start off towards her. – “You haven’t ever said it. You haven’t ever mentioned with a single word something like this.”
She turns back, and looks me up and down disparagingly.
“What exactly should I have said? Friend...” – she adds, dripping with sarcasm.
“Something, anything” – I’m agitated because her words wound me deeply. Am I really that blind and selfish? – “We’ve known each other since college. I introduced you to the boys, and you know I would have supported you wholeheartedly if something developed between you and Jamie. Since I met him, right until one week ago, I was engaged with River, with my heart, soul, and body. I would never have stood in your way” – I spread my arms, confused.
“You were always standing in my way” – she says, wounded, and as she wipes her eyes, it comes to mind that Rachel really, even from the start, always protected Jamie. She constantly disparaged River, and every time I complained over Jamie’s crazy things, she never stood by me, and never had my back. Holy heaven! Is it possible that throughout our whole friendship she was always in love with him, and I didn’t notice any of it? I totally fall apart.
“I don’t get it, why didn’t Jamie…” – I mumble, confused.
As if on cue, Jamie pokes his hotly dishevelled head out of my bedroom door and walks towards us. He points his gaze directly on me, my phone in his hand, his torso bare. His suit pants from last night hang neglectfully on his hips, and he’s barefoot. He’s sexy as hell, and blood-boiling heartbreaking. In any other circumstance, I would lose my mind just at the sight right here, but now a wild panic runs through my spine because of Rachel. Hellish bad timing, Mr. Hailey. Expecting something bad, my gaze wanders over to my friend and my fear comes true. Raw horror and obvious shock stand on her face.
“I ... can’t ... believe this” – she stutters, and recoils.
Jamie throws her only one icy gaze, and then he focuses on me again. He reaches out my phone to me and says:
“Janet was looking for you. I didn’t pick up, I thought it would be better if you talk to her now.
“Not now, Jamie.” – I answer, distressed, at which he drops the device on the counter.
“Fuck it Hannah. I can’t believe that you dared to bring him here” – Rachel bursts out in a hysterical voice.
“This is my flat too, Rach. And I didn’t know... I had no idea….”
Then my phone rings again. All three of us snap our heads over, and suddenly a threatening silence falls over the flat. I let it ring a few times, hoping that with time it will stop, but it just continues to ring. I step over, and glance at the screen. It’s Gran again. I gnaw the edge of my mouth, nervously, meanwhile my gaze flashes back and forth between the two others. I hesitate for a while about what to do now, but in the end, worry wins. Maybe something happened to her, and that’s why she’s calling me.
“I need to take this now” – I say, and taking my phone, point at Rachel and Jamie. – “I’ll be right back. Until then, no one moves from here, clear?”
Rachel doesn’t answer, but she stares at Jamie with huge eyes. Jamie just shrugs his shoulders and, stepping to the counter, pours milk into a glass for himself. I hurry into my room, close the door, and because in the meantime the ringing had stopped, I redial Gran’s number. I pace nervously in my room, and everywhere I look everything reminds me of the lustful night. When she finally picks up, I get that there’s nothing wrong, but she was just calling about the beauty contest, so I calm down a bit. But it’s a completely inconvenient time for chatting, so I try to quickly sketch out the emergency situation here to her. My voice is shaking from the tension raging in me, which makes her start to worry too. She offers to come here immediately, which I reject with dangerous speed. She makes me promise I’ll call her ASAP when the situation clears up. During the conversation, I stop near the door and hear with half an ear that they are arguing about something outside. I hear Jamie’s voice as he says, flustered:
“Stop this shit, Rachel. Enough, once and for all” – I don’t understand Rachel’s answer clearly, but I hear that her voice is hysterically high. – “We’ve discussed it already hundreds of times. Why can’t you just finally make peace with it?” – Jamie’s huffy bass voice echoes. What the fucking hell? I quickly say goodbye to Gran and hang up the phone. I step closer to the door and take up the eavesdropping position. For now, I clearly hear Rachel’s distracted voice.
“That’s disgusting, Jamie. How dare you? After River.”
“River has nothing to do with this. We both know that’s not your problem either.”
“It will never work between the two of you. Never! You’re lying to yourself. Hannah just sees your brother in you” – she cries, almost pleadingly.
The room spins around me. Holy shit! How can she say something like this? It’s a bald-faced lie.
“That’s not true.” – Jamie answers, voice shaking. – “It’s already working. And keep yourself away from her, understand? I won’t let you hurt her. I swear, I won’t hold myself back, if you dare to hurt her.”
His voice trembles dangerously from anger. I need to stop this immediately. – I decide to myself, and start out.
“You. Keep yourself away from her, or if you won’t leave her alone, I swear I’ll tell her everything!” – Rachel yells, which makes me recoil and pull myself a bit back. An ice cold thrill runs through my spine. What the hell is she talking about anyway?
“What are you talking about? – Jamie asks, icily.
“You know well. I’ll tell her everything about the arson. And then it will come out how much the sensitive little princess is attracted to the screwed up criminal that you are.”
As I step out of my room, both of them turn to me, Jamie worried, Rachel with a face full of hate. I stand in the middle of the kitchen and look from one to the other, expectantly. My gaze finally stops on Jamie.
“What is she talking about? – I ask, destroyed, pointing to Rachel with my chin.
“Honey, I … it doesn’t play any role anymore” – he shakes his head, confused, and shoots a warning glance at Rachel.
“Jamie burned down the Morgan house” – Rachel jabbers in a hysteric voice, and seeing my total confusion, a gloating expression flows over her face.
“What?” – I moan, powerlessly.
“He did it. That’s the truth.”
I flash Jamie a questioning look, and from the way he is fixating his gaze on the floor, I know that Rachel’s telling the truth. This revelation hits me thoroughly in the chest. I didn’t expect this ancient story. I press my hand on my forehead and try to figure out how to react to this information. What does this action, which can admittedly qualify as a crime, say about Jamie? And in which direction can it lead, if it can, our current situation?
“Jamie?” – I breathe his name.
As he raises his gaze slowly at me, I can’t see anything else but total panic in his eyes.
“Why?” – I ask, but if I want to be really honest with myself, I know the answer.
“You know why” – he whispers, and looks almost imploringly at me.
Oh my god. Of course I know the answer. He did it for me. Just to punish this pervert pig. As a 19 year old, penniless, angry, and frustrated teenager, he obviously didn't have too many options on how to exact justice in the world of adults.
With his shoulders hanging, he’s nervously scratching the surface of the kitchen counter with his nails. My heart almost breaks seeing him this way. No one did as many things to protect me as this man did. Of course his methods are maybe questionable, but the root of his motive was always love and caring. It’s indubitable that there are a couple of obscure things in the story, and a few things necessarily need to be cleared up, but I still don’t want him to torture himself for a long time, and to believe that I’m judging him because of it. I step closer, and reach my hand towards him, but then Rachel’s sharp voice cleaves through the air.
“You can’t be together with her, Jamie. If you don’t stop this, I’ll turn you in to the police for the arson.”
I look at her, aghast. My brain just can’t comprehend she said that. It’s one thing for her to hate my guts, but seriously jealousy is blinding her that much that she would be able to hurt Jamie? This is really the last straw.
“Shame on you!” – I spit towards her with so much contempt in my voice that it would be enough for a whole nazi division. – “Your behaviour is lower than any existing level, Rachel, and furthermore it’s absolutely illogical. Based on this … if it’s really true that …” – here I should say that if you really are in love with Jamie – but I just can’t say these words out loud in his presence.
I’m sure it must be a terrible feeling to be hopelessly in love. To dream about someone for years who didn’t even notice them, and what’s more, someone who is in love with someone else. But I definitely have this feeling that this thing with her is some kind of sick obsession. It’s not that type of love which the Bible says is patient, is kind, is not self-seeking, keeps no record of wrongs et cetera. In her fanaticism, she would be able to destroy the object of her desire, and I can’t let that happen. I even surprise myself when I start to talk again, how my voice rings clearly and self-confidently.
“I honestly hope for all of our sakes that you’ll be cured of this sick obsession, but after the way you trampled my confidence and our friendship underfoot, I don’t believe that I could help you in your healing.”
I turn my back to her, and look at Jamie with dead seriousness.
“And we have a few things which we urgently have to make clear.” – I say gloomily and point towards my room.
I start off purposefully, and I feel that Jamie is directly in my tracks. I suddenly stop, then turn back so he almost crashes into me. Rachel’s still standing there, still shaking, obviously puzzled, and filled with hate. A part of me seriously feels sorry for her, and mourn that our many-year friendship has run aground, but otherwise I feel I haven’t sinned against her. I would never want to hurt her intentionally, but rather I’ve always wanted to try to support her many unsuccessful love affairs. She hasn’t been honest with me, and I never got why she couldn’t appreciate the devotion of those men who were in love with her up to their ears throughout the years, and who would do anything if she loved them back. Of course now, looking back, so many weird things fall into place. Dylan, who adored her, and who she literally chased away. And plus a line of passing boyfriends, to whom she never gave a chance. And now JJ, who’s also a great guy, but apparently hasn't ever had a real chance either. Anyway this is an excessively unhealthy situation which I really need to put an end to.
“I think it’s pretty obvious that after this it would be abnormal for us to continue living together. I will move out of the flat as soon as possible.”
I don’t even dare to think we are still stuck with each other because of our joint company. This problem at this moment is clearly above my abilities.
I run into my room, with Jamie right behind me. I close the door, turn the key, and then, crossing my arms, look at him, my eyes asking for an explanation. Poor guy, he’s pretty drained. He throws himself on the end of the bed, drums nervously with his feet on the floor, and doesn’t look at me. My eyes glide gently over his masculine body, from his toes upwards until his chin, which is still hot and powerful, even when he is despondent. My gaze wanders back to his naked torso, and a thrilling desire takes me away. I let my eyes rest on him a bit more, then a couple of dreaming seconds after, I regain consciousness and shake my head agitatedly. Shit! It won’t work like this! How the hell can I have a responsible conversation with him when meanwhile erotic thoughts constantly siege me at the sight of his bare torso. I look around, and my gaze stops on his shirt. I step there, take it in my hand, and reach it out to him.
“Put this on!” – I say, firmly, at which he gives me a side glance questioningly. – “Please!” – I add more gently.
He slips into his shirt without a word, and buttons two buttons at his stomach. Only two! I sigh and roll my eyes, a lot more over myself, than him. Concentrate, Hannah! – I order myself angrily, and with crossed arms start to pace in the room. Thoughts buzz back and forth in my head. The whole thing is just total chaos. In the past half hour, the shocking new information was more than I can wrestle with at one time. Ok. Ok. – I convince myself. Just go forward nice and easy, Gran would say. One problem after another. I take a deep breath and turn to Jamie.
“So, that means that Rachel and you …” – I gesture back and forth between him and the door. – “There was something between the two of you.”
“There’s nothing between the two of us” – he answers straightly.
“Don’t fool me, Jamie! Rachel is obviously into you.”
He shrugs his shoulder and looks at me questioningly.
“Did you sleep with her?” – I ask, almost terrified, because I know he won’t lie to me.
“Never” – the quick, firm answer comes.
Closing my eyes, I sigh and then start to walk around again.
“So there was nothing between the two of you?”
“There wasn’t, but there could have been” – he adds, shrugging his shoulder flippantly, and I snap my head over with wide eyes.
“You mean you tried to pick her up but she rejected you?”
“No, Honey” – he says with an emphasis like I am the only person on the planet to whom the situation is not clear. – “I mean I had many opportunities to sleep with Rachel, but I rejected her every time.”
I stare at him oafishly, my jaw landing on the floor.
“You rejected her?” – I repeat, numbed.
He runs anxious fingers through his hair, and he lets out a tired sigh.
“I was never interested in her. I never wanted anything from her. Of course she’s a nice girl and everything, but still I wasn’t attracted to her. She’s not my style. Too big-mouthed, too … she was your best friend, Honey. She was too close to you. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything with her, don’t you get it?”
I press my hand to my mouth and shake my head despondently.
“How long has this whole thing been going on?”
“She’s been after me since you first introduced us to each other.”
“Oh lord!” – Bursts out from me, and leaning my back on the wall, I slide down to the floor. – “But at that time we were barely 19 years old.”
He doesn’t answer, just shrugs his shoulder, as if he can’t help the whole thing.
“What you want to say is Rachel has been gunning for you with since we were in college? That the sexy Rachel Bowles, whom men lose their mind over, wanted to take you to her bed the whole time, but still nothing happened between the two of you?”
“Once. We kissed” – he says, almost unintelligibly.
“What?” – I look up at him, not comprehending.
Jamie rubs his temple, and starts to talk in an emotionless voice.
“Do you remember your birthday party in my p