“It would be really good … some other time. The thing is now I would really like to go home. I don’t feel too well. You’re not angry?”
He scans my face with concern, presses his hand onto my forehead, then gently slides over my chin.
“Angry? Don’t joke!” – He answers, bewildered. – “I’ll take you home immediately, if that’s what you want.” – he says, and he hugs me in such a way that for a moment I seriously have the feeling he wants to take me into his lap in the middle of the viewpoint in public. Fortunately, he doesn’t do it, but rather wraps his arms protectively around my waist, and leads me towards the lift.
In the car he takes out his phone and, wrinkling his forehead, says, he has two missed calls from Neil McMillan. He puts the appliance on speakerphone, and while we flow into the evening traffic, he calls his business partner back. It seems like there was some kind of issue at the company. They’re talking about a blackout, rebooting the system, and backups, from which I understand even less than usual now, because my abdomen is totally killing me. I squeeze my purse to myself, and concentrate on my painkiller. When he finishes the call, I ask if the problem is serious, to which he answers it’s no big deal, the technicians solved everything. But meanwhile, he’s keeping a wary eye on me and my hand pressed to my abdomen.
I gratefully take note of the fact that thanks to Jamie’s driving genius, we arrived home surprisingly fast. He helps me out of the car, and accompanies me to the entrance. We hug each other, his lips pressing hotly onto mine. Despite all of the menstrual pain, it’s very hard for me to let him go, and I don’t like the idea of spending the evening without him at all. I run my fingers through his hair, and pull his head a bit back so I can look into his eyes.
“I really enjoyed the Shard. Seriously. I don’t want you to misunderstand me. And I promise next time I will invite you to one of the restaurants. Alright?” – I smile at him with my head tilted to the side. He sighs and runs his thumb over my lower lip. I pull myself a bit back, but he grabs my waist and yanks me to him.
“Don’t send me away, Honey. Please! Don’t send me home now!” – he whispers almost begging, and I nearly collapse from the pleasure and lower stomach cramp, which is ripping me apart more and more from the inside.
“Oh, Jamie, this evening is really not the best time.” – I moan. – “Tonight … we couldn’t anyway.” – I twirl my hair, confused, and I honestly hope he will understand what I’m talking about.
“Shit! I thought that’s what this was about.” – bursts out from him. – “But why didn’t you tell me?” – He looks at me reproachfully. – “And I dragged you through half the city while you had cramps.”
“You thought?” – I raise my eyebrow, surprised.
“The symptoms of premenstrual syndrome. It wasn’t too hard to notice.”
“Holy heaven!” – Wry laughter bursts out from me. – “You’re seriously scaring me. How do you know about these things?” – I shake my head, bewildered.
“I read about it” – he shrugs his shoulder phlegmatically. Of course he read about it. What else did I think? He takes my face between his palms, and his voice changes to gently asking. – “Seriously, Honey, let me take care of you! We said we will practice this dating thing.”
“And you don’t mind if …” – I look at him with uncertainty.
“If we don’t have sex tonight?” – He completes my sentence. – “you seriously think that I want to be with you only if we sleep with each other?” – He looks at me so disappointed that I almost feel ashamed.
“No, it’s not about that. Just …”
“Let me prove it’s not like that. Don’t send me away, hon!” – He begs, and then I can’t imagine the evening without his closeness either.
It’s actually a good occasion to get used to each other with everyday banal problems. I reach up my hand and stroke his face.
“Alright. Then I would also be happy if you stay. Although I can’t guarantee that I will be too entertaining company. I think I will collapse immediately, if I don’t get my painkiller soon.” – I bowl over, leaning on the door.
Jamie’s eyes widen in fright, while I open the door and throw my stuff down in the anteroom. The house is quiet and dark, and then it dawns on me that Gran is not home this evening. She mentioned yesterday she’s helping “pick curtains” for David in his flat, and if that goes late, she’ll spend the night there. At this I just giggled to myself. Anyway, I honestly hope they will have more fun during the ‘curtain picking’, than me, alone with Jamie in the empty house, tortured by lower stomach cramps, and sipping yarrow tea.
#
JAMIE
How could I be such jerk that I didn’t notice something’s wrong? Honey didn’t say anything, she didn’t complain, just let me go on about the Shard and all of those stupidities instead of stopping me. By the time we got home, she could hardly stand on her feet. I know, it’s totally natural and everything, but I can barely fucking stand it if there’s something wrong with her. If I see her suffering, it doesn’t matter over what, I panic. I know everything about the menstrual cycle that someone can know from reading. I know how those things work. In theory. I think Honey felt uncomfortable, but I don’t want her to feel ashamed about anything in front of me. She wanted to stay alone right at the time when she needs me most of all to take care of her. Fuck it! I don’t want anything more than to take care of her, pamper her, cherish her. I’m sure she thinks I’m some kind of sex-maniac jerk who only wants to be around if we sleep with each other. I need to prove to her how much that’s not true. I mean, of course I always think about sex when we are together. Okay, even if we’re not, but that’s not the point. I want her to understand she can share everything with me, she can tell me everything. I don’t want to be only a sex partner for her, but everything. Husband, friend, partner, trusted confidant, mate. Everything she needs in her life. It’s a fact that I long for her constantly. But I must prove I’m not only good for her in bed. I need to make her understand she’s more important to me than anything, more than my own life. I wanted to cook her something nourishing, but she said she’s not hungry in these days. So we will just eat this stupid instant soup for dinner. I made a tea. I read warmth is good in these situations, so I warmed up this pillow I found in the cupboard which you can put in the microwave. Am I overdoing it? Maybe. But I’m driven nearly crazy to take care of her and be close to her. With sex or not - I need her. The sentimentalism flows over me, my heart beats in my throat every time I look at her crouching on the sofa. She seems breakable and vulnerable. Zeal pulses in me. This girl is mine. She’s my everything. My task is to protect her and take care of her.
#
HANNAH
I crouch in comfortable cotton sweatpants on the sofa and I feel happy about how well I did allowing Jamie’s nagging and not send him home this evening. He made me tea, tucked me in under a blanket, and also wanted to cook but I talked him out of it. But since Jamie was terribly insistent I should still eat something, we agreed on a middle way with instant soup. I’ve never met a man so thoughtful and caring. I have to remind myself over and over again that this is the same guy who just appeared in my office in his black rock outfit ultra hot, and almost made me his on the top of my desk. He tries to prove, almost with a childless enthusiasm, that he doesn’t view our relationship only on a sexual level, but wants me to share really everything with him. My bad boy puts the soup, steaming in cups, on the table, and he squats next to the sofa. I reach out for him, and pull him closer to me. I press my lips onto his for a long sweet thank-you-for-loving-me-like-this kiss. The pleasant chill which runs through my body at our touch releases a shot of endorphins in my veins. Mr. Hailey obviously has more of a curing effect on me than the painkiller I took just now. I pull him up next to me on the sofa. He sits in the corner, and I nest myself into his lap. After he confirms I’m not missing anything, both of us start to read. I continue the Highlander series which I’ve been reading for a while, and point out to myself, smiling, that this novel is not the only thing I’ve recently totally irreversibly fallen in love with. Jamie found some lexicon on Gran’s shelf, the title of which is Technical Curiosities Around the World and he examines this while stroking my stomach gently with his other hand.
I wake up to someone softly caressing my face and whispering my name. I look around dopily and realise that I fell asleep on the sofa in Jamie’s lap. He leans over me, his face totally close to mine, and he kisses my forehead.
“What time is it?” – I mumble in a sleepy voice.
“Eleven. I’ll bring you up to your room. It will surely be more comfortable there than on the sofa” – he whispers, smiling, and is already scooping me up into his arms.
Not that I would complain about the previous. I was sleeping in his lap like an angel. I’ve never been so pampered before in my life, and now somehow I don’t feel like protesting against this treatment. He takes me up the stairs, pushes the door of my room with his shoulder, and takes me directly down onto the bed.
“I need to go out for one more moment.” – I say, and make my way out of the bed.
The pain ripping the area around my uterus is gone, I only feel some kind of blunt pulsing and pleasant tiredness. Before I get out of the door, I look back and I see that Jamie is waiting uncertainly next to the bed.
“Is there something wrong?” – I ask, eyes squinted.
“Do you mind if I … stay for the night?”
Holy heaven! He was really thinking about leaving?
“Are you kidding me?” – I look at him, astonished. – “You don’t seriously want to leave me by myself after you totally pampered me like a queen with your caring and made me practically completely addicted to your presence?”
“Are you being earnest?” – He grins and a mischievous fire flashes in his eyes.
“Absolutely earnest.” – I answer and step towards him. I wrap my arms around his neck and kissing him gently, until he sighs from pleasure. – “I need you, and don’t misunderstand me, but not just for making tea and instant soup.”
“I need you too” – his teeth graze my bottom lip, and I gasp with pleasure.
“Take your clothes off, slip into bed, and I’ll be right there.” –I sigh, and sneak out the door.
When I return, Jamie’s lying on the bed in underwear and a t-shirt. A perfect sight. I slip in next to him, and nestle myself into his lap. His biceps is under my neck, his tight chest warms my back, his hot pulsing groin supports my butt. He buries his face into my hair and whispers gently:
“How are you?”
“Better. I’m just tired. But by tomorrow I’ll be healthy as a horse.”
After a few seconds break, he speaks again.
“Is it always like this?”
I assume that he’s thinking about the menstruation and the accompanying pain. Even if he had girls, he never lived with any of them. He hasn’t had the opportunity to experience the shadowy sides of femininity in everyday life. Maybe I should feel embarrassed to talk to Jamie about such intimate things, but somehow I don’t feel it’s awkward. With him everything is so … different. Warm and indescribably intense. I turn away and although I can’t clearly see his face in the dark, I still feel completely certain his pervasive look on me.
“The first day is usually pretty rough, but I can get myself through it with one or two painkillers. But it’s also true that not every month is the same. Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s harder.”
“I hate when you’re sick, when you feel pain somewhere, if something or someone hurts you and I can’t help you. The helplessness kills me totally” – he says, with palpable frustration in his voice.
I run my fingers through his hair, and pulling him close to me give a sensual kiss onto those adorable lips.
“But you helped. You look after me, take care of me with such a gentle empathy that no one ever has before.” – I feel that I blush hearing my own words, but dammit if it’s not the truth! I honestly hope he won’t ask how things worked with River, because that would be really awkward. Fortunately, he doesn’t.
“These feelings, you evoke in me, Honey. If I’m with others, everything is much more complicated. You were always the only one whom I want to be close to. It doesn’t matter how much time we spend together, what we are doing, and how many times, I always want more from you.”
Starting to kiss me greedily, he pushes me back into the pillow, but soon comes to his senses and slows the tempo. I smile, and I feel on my lips he’s doing the same. He sighs, puts his arm around me, and pulls me to his chest again.
“It’s so good that you’re here.” – I whisper into the night as he kisses into my hair slowly and pleasurably.
I’m already at the brink of dreaming when I hear Jamie’s quiet murmur next to my ear. I’m not sure if his thoughts are meant for me, or if he’s just talking to himself, and my languid mind understand his words only in remnants.
“I would stay next to you even if we never have sex together again. I swear, it’s the truth. I would stay with you even if you never want to sleep with me again.”
My eyes suddenly spring open, and I stare straight ahead into the darkness, shocked. What the hell! Did I hear right what he said? I’m listening, holding my breath, and the night monologue really continues.
“Of course it’s pretty likely after some time it would drive me crazy and they would hospitalise me in some clinic. Or I would just simply explode from the withheld desire. But I would rather choose that than to be far from you.”
I can’t decide if he’s joking or he thinks it seriously. Knowing Jamie, I think the latter is likely. I smile and press his hand interlaced with mine.
“It’s a gallant gesture from you, big boy, but I can assure you after what we have done together up until now I wouldn’t be able to live without sex with you either. That option is not even on the table.” – I giggle. – “We will have just a few days of break so you can regenerate and get your power back.” – I quip at which he snorts manfully and gives a small thrust with his hips, reminding me what is waiting for me later.
#
“Jamie’s coming only in quarter hour. I think you wanted to meet me earlier on purpose.” – I look at Bree, who winks conspiratorially at me in approval.
“Of course. Recently I can hardly ever catch you alone. Your dark knight claims you so much for himself. Sometimes we need to reserve a bit of testosterone-free time, sweetie.”
“The situation is that dangerous?” – I giggle and have a sip from my Fanta. – “For me it seems like it’s rather you who disappears for days without a trace with her husband and even turns off her mobile too.”
“You just wait, until you have kids one day” – she points towards me with her finger. – “Then you will know how much value a dinner for two has when finally you don’t have to wipe tomato sauce off anyone’s mouth. Moreover, when you can make any kind of tricks on the table that have nothing to do with eating.”
“Bree! Please behave!” – I roll my eyes and look around carefully to see if anyone heard us. – “So apparently your small trip with Bill turned out well?”
“Great. You know it was my birthday gift from him. He also organised that my mother-in-law took care of Phoebe.”
“Oh wow. You didn’t miss her?”
“The late night wake ups and the diaper changing? No. Her sweet little cheeks and her babbling? A lot!” – She smiles and presses her hand to her heart.
“But now I’d rather hear the reason for the blush on your face and why you are so disgustingly happy lately” – she grins at me playfully, then leans closer and puts her arm on mine. – “But seriously, Hannah, you’re simply glowing. I don’t remember if I’ve ever seen you so satisfied.”
“Seriously?” – I blink at her, deep in thought. – “Not even in the old days?”
“Don’t misunderstand me. I know you were happy with River, but now it seems like something completely different. Or am I wrong?” – She asks tilting her head.
“You’re not wrong, and yes. I was happy with him, but somehow in a different way. It’s unbelievable they are twins. Two totally different people in every way.” – I add, pondering, and realise just too late that maybe I overshot the target. Bree of course picks up on it.
“You mean the sex?” – She asks, a bit too loudly, at which I look around again, embarrassed.
I shrug my shoulder and hesitate a bit. I don’t want to give away our most intimate secrets, but at the same time since my friendship with Rachel was cut, there’s no one else – other woman – with whom I can talk about these things, or whom I can ask for advice. I turn down my voice and lean close to her.
“Jamie is … how to say, pretty special.”
“Well,” – she raises her eyebrow. – “Does he expect things from you which make you feel uncomfortable?” – She looks at me suspiciously and I try to make the situation clear before she overcomplicate it.
“No. Nothing like that. Moreover, he’s really direct. He says everything he thinks. I mean also during sex.”
“Ah, dirty talk in bed.”
“Something like this. But he doesn’t make it premeditated, just simply instinctively. I blush up to my ears when he details things and he wants me to say what I think in the same way. What I would want, you know?”
“You lucky girl!” – She stares at me wide eyed, and I roll my eyes. – “Do you have any idea how many women would envy you for this?”
“Do you think so?”
“Are you kidding me?” – She shakes her head in disbelief. – “Talking during sex is so erotic. It can turn you on like crazy, but men are usually quiet as shit in grass.”
“But not Jamie.” – I laugh. – “He’s anyway so open and straightforward when he communicates. I think it must have something to do with the Asperger’s.”
“Yeah. I read about it too” – she nods.
“First I thought that there’s something wrong with me because it turns me on so much when he talks about erotic things so openly.”
“Come on, Hannah! That’s silly.”
“River never talked during sex. I thought I would feel happy about it, because it meant we understand each other even without words.”
“Who made you believe this ridiculousness?” – She snorts. – “Talking during sex is really wild, and there’s nothing wrong with finding it exciting. I’m sure it would relieve a lot of stress even from a man’s shoulder if a woman told him what she wants and how she wants it.”
“Well … there’s something to it” – I gnaw my nails pensively.
“Believe me sweetie, there wouldn’t be so many frustrated women in the world if everyone would practice what your Jamie does.”
“And I was seriously convinced I was perfectly satisfied.”
“And maybe you were, because you had nothing to compare it to.”
“Holy heaven, Bree. I don’t even know how to explain it. When we are within reach of each other, he can’t keep his hands off me. He constantly gropes me, kisses me like he wants to put a sign on me that I belong to him.”
“It sounds hot” – she chews on her straw and nods admiringly.
“With River we weren’t so physically addicted to each other, if you understand what I mean. With Jamie it’s as if everything is part of foreplay between two sexual acts.”
“Do you know how lucky you are? Holy Father in Heaven! What you are talking about now is the secret dream of most women, Hannah” – she spreads her arms, astonished.
“Do you think so?” – I chew on my lip and give her a pale smile. – “I remember River was often joking even during our lovemaking. Jamie, in contrast, is dead serious. As if his life depends on the next act. As if he were constantly ready for it, and always able in all circumstances...”
“But this is mind-blowing, you girl! Don’t ponder about what is right and what’s not unnecessarily. You said that he opened completely new dimensions in front of you. That you enjoy it with him, and he really turns you on” – she looks at me questioningly, at which I bury my face in my palm.
“I’m completely losing my mind over him.” – I confess, uninhibited, and I feel as the blush flows over my face.
“That’s the only thing that matters. And even an idiot can see he feels the same for you.”
I peek out from between my fingers and give her a smile. Bree looks over my shoulder, then points towards me with her finger, and says seriously.
“And one more thing, before you heartbreaking super lover arrives. Stop the comparison with River finally, and forget what happened one hundred years ago. What happened is gone, Hannah. Concentrate on the here and now.”
“You’re right.” – I smile, and we press each other’s hands. She’s really right. I have to move on from the past finally if I’m planning my future with Jamie.
Then he runs in too, and scans us and our empty glasses on the table a bit weirdly, then leans towards me. It’s fortunate that I’m currently sitting, because I receive a knee-melting kiss from him which would make me fall over in any case. When he pulls himself back again, I shoot a kind of you see, this is exactly what I was talking about gaze to Bree.
“Am I late?” – He asks in a faltering voice, and holds his hand out to Bree.
“You’re not. We arrived earlier for a … you know girl talk.”
He looks at me with furrowed eyebrows, then takes my hand into his.
“Ok. Did you order yet?”
“Just drinks. We were waiting for you for the food” – I purr, still completely under the influence of our previous topic.
When they bring out the food, we arrived at a more uncomfortable topic too, which is impossible for me to ignore any longer. The business. Jamie offered to put me in contact with his lawyer, who is a specialist in that field. He already sketched the situation for him, and they we