Chapter 1 - Three's a crowd
We emerged from Waterloo station hand in hand, entering a new world. For us, at least.
We had thanked Harry for his intervention. He was the one that had tipped off Kate and told her I might very well never come back. She had asked him to stall me and got into a cab, desperate to get there in time. Harry had tried to find me on the monitors in his booth, but he was also expected to work and Waterloo is one of the busiest stations, with tens of thousands of people passing through every hour. Once inside the station, Kate had figured out which button was the platform address system and locked Harry out of his booth so she could plead with me to stay. He then had no choice but to call the British Transport Police, who eventually found a master key and took her out, though not without a fight. They had no clear idea what was happening, but once I used the intercom to answer Kate, they could tell which platform I was on. A guy in a hat and dark glasses using a restricted phone was more than enough reason to come and get me.
We could have stayed underground and taken the Jubilee line to Elephant and Castle, but this was not a conversation for a busy underground carriage and not one that could wait a second longer. Besides, I felt like being outside, like walking around. I wanted to show the world I had found the woman I loved.
There's a park near Waterloo station, although that is a grand description for Jubilee Gardens. Let's say there's some grass, some trees, a bloody great ferris wheel and, most importantly, benches to sit on. Which we did.
“You do understand that when I say I want to be with you, this involves sex, right?” said Kate. I had to laugh. I would probably have laughed at her reciting the pledge of allegiance, I was just so happy.
“Really?” I said, pretending to be shocked. She didn't laugh. In fact, I think it was the first time ever she didn't 'get' a joke.
“Fuck yes. Full on sex. Every day. And you better bring a sick note to get out of it. Full on sucking and fucking. And anal. I know you're not into that but I am and you're going to have to learn. And...”
“Kate! People are listening!”
She didn't even slow down, though.
“And everything else too. Kissing, hand holding, everything. Not like brother and sister. Okay? Are we clear on that? I absolutely don't want to spend another few sodding years having to coax you out of your shell. I want you to fuck me like a rag doll every damned day until one of us dies. Do you understand? Say yes. Say 'Yes Kate, I understand.' SAY IT!”
“Yes Kate, I understand. I promise you'll be sticky the rest of your life.”
“Good.” She slung her arms around my neck, pushed my head towards her and gave me a massively long kiss which is most unsuitable for a public park on a promenade near a major tourist attraction. I had to break it off, people were starting to stare.
“Katey, I've been arrested twice in the past twelve hours, I promise you we'll make up for lost time.”
“Good. Sorry. I got carried away. Who arrested you?”
I told her a bit about my evening, though not in the order in which it all happened. I started with waking up in a cell and how that conversation played out, then went back to what I assumed had been the reason and only then told her how I had gotten drunk in the first place. Kate became Kate with Keller and Fox for a moment:
“Oh yes, THAT I know all about. We're doing damage control on that, but if you were worried that you had to do Graham's show this afternoon I can put your mind at ease: you're let go. You screwed yourself out of 2000 clappers for that one. Fudgepacker... Really? You went there?”
“Honestly, I didn't know it was a gay slur,” I chuckled. “People and their bloody camera phones.”
“Tell me about it. We're spinning it as a trial for a new comedy character. And you visiting Simon is out now too. Three seems to believe us, they're not pulling the campaign.”
“I noticed that on the way down to the platform,” I said, trying not to sound too disappointed.
She hooked her arm in mine and sat close to me.
“You did say very sweet things about me in the paper. That was when I knew there was still hope. Oh! We have to call mom!”
“She's in Africa. Perhaps this should wait until they're back, it might be a bit much.”
“No, she'll want to know!”
“Kate, wait a minute. You don't want to go on safari and then hear that your children have started an incestuous romance.”
Kate sighed deeply.
“She's known how I felt for a while, Doofus. That's why I was crying in Rose's garden. That's why we were in the bathroom at Tesco for an eternity. I didn't kick sand in my face, I choked up from something you said. Dad doesn't know yet, but I told mom two years ago. When you were still married, by the way.”
“Wow. Okay, that explains a long and awkward conversation when she drove me to London...”
We were quiet for a bit. Frankly, my heart rate was still up and everything was still sinking in. The London Eye is a good distraction. Kate quietly waited for me to indicate I was ready for more information.
“Sweetheart, why didn't you tell me this before?”
“Are you serious? Even you can't be that dense. I'm your sister. I want better things for you than a relationship where you can't get married, can't have kids, can't even tell the world. You always worry about me, but that works two ways. I did drop a lot of hints, a LOT of hints. Jesus... You really are... You're a train wreck, when it comes to girls. You really are. Fucking hell... Do you have any idea how scary it is to ask your brother to help you masturbate? Do you?”
I had the feeling she wasn't done venting, and I was right.
“But the most important thing is that I wanted YOU to speak up. Because I was afraid that if I went first, you'd fake it. Or maybe not actually fake it, but you might think: 'Kate is nice and safe, I'll do that.' And I couldn't bear that. I knew you loved me as a brother. But if we were going to do this, I needed to know you loved me as much as I do you. The rest of our lives is a fucking long time, you know. Well, it is for me.”
Always end in a joke, right Kate? I chuckled.
My stomach rumbled again. Those cheese sandwiches were long gone. Kate giggled and sent out a text she had been typing.
“Pret a Manger is the best I can manage, sweetheart. I can't take you to anything fancier than a McDonald's dressed like that. Look at you, it's like Ali G wants to be a Sumo wrestler.”
“HEY! I lost ten kilos since I came to London! And probably another five from the last few days. The Salvation Army didn't have my size, okay? It can wait for a bit, I don't want to move.”
She kissed me again, but just for a second or two.
“I love you anyway. So... let's take stock of the burning wreckage of your life. It's like a Band-Aid, best to pull it off quickly. You got drunk and insulted all women and Mexicans. That's well over half of the world's population, well done you. If the gays take your rant seriously we might even hit five billion. And Ben kicked you out, though maybe I can stop him from torching your stuff. But you're living with me now, anyway.”
“Lost my bike, too.”
“I knew that. Now here is a big one: Melody. What the fuck?”
“Before I tell you, and I promise I will: I was convinced you wanted her and me to get together. You pretended to be offended by us having sex, but mostly it seemed you really wanted to see that happening.”
“Yes. I did. Because I want you to be happy. That means everything to me. It wasn't about conquering you, although I gave more than enough hints. But if you wanted to be with Melody and be happy with her... I would have been able to live with that. Not happily, per se. But she would have been wonderful for you. Hell, I'd have accepted Diana if you had managed to pull that off.”
Now I kissed her. It was strange to kiss my own sister like that, but we had gone way past strange, taking the exit at weird and were now busy boarding the 'What the bloody hell' intercity hi-speed rail network to 'Jesus Christ in a picnic hamper'.
“You even encouraged me to fuck Annabelle.”
Bloody typical: she says the most obscene stuff and nobody bats an eyelid, I drop the F-bomb and some American lady covers her daughter's ears and stares at me! Good luck when she's pregnant at age twelve, lady! Kate saw it happening and gave me that wonderful laugh, which works better than morphine.
“I know. Look... I'm not some sort of liberal, free love hippie okay? But I've had a few men and I know what I want now. You. But you... Your track record is pathetic. I wanted you to do something about that. Get some notches on your belt. Now in the future, first of all, the first few years you're not going to be able to walk much from fucking me so there's that. But later on... As long as you don't hide it from me, go and fuck Annabelle. Or Diana. Just promise me you won't hide it and tell me what they do. So I can try to match it. You know?”
Brave words, but her voice got softer and softer as she said it, reaching a whisper at 'you know'.
“You're still looking out for me. We've only been a couple for what, fifteen minutes? And you're already giving me permission to fuck around. Kate, I didn't fuck around when I … HEY LADY, take your stupid kid elsewhere if it bothers you! I'm trying to have a conversation here!”
The American woman spluttered and then walked off with her kid. Kate nearly choked and rocked back and forth from laughing. Then she got out her phone.
“This is an indoors conversation. Let's walk to York Road, I've ordered a cab. I don't think I can look at you on a subway platform for a while without losing it, especially in those clothes.”
We managed not to upset the Uber driver that picked us up, except by behaving like newlyweds. It was a short drive home. Kate surprised me by not only taking off her coat, but undressing completely in the living room. While I was still wrestling with the zipper on my jacket, she was there, totally naked. I looked her over.
“You're gorgeous...”
She really was. I'd only seen snippets so far. The whole package? Incredible.
“Thanks. Look closer.”
I was two metres away, so I assumed she meant: 'Come feel me up.' I reached out to her as I stepped into the living room but she gave me a shy laugh and pointed at her vagina. I knelt down and looked.
“Hey... that's exactly the same piercing as Emma Lestrade!”
“No. Or at least I don't think so. I have a confession to make: I'm Emma.”
I was still on my knees and looked up.
“What?!”
“When I had your phone I blocked her, then deleted her. She's EmLaLaLa. I made a new account as EmmaLaLaLa. We've chatted. Unless you gave your phone to Melody to deal with that, because that...”
She began to giggle.
“That would be hysterical!”
“Well I didn't. You cheeky cow! Having cybersex with your own brother under false pretences!”
Me pretending to be angry didn't stop me from grabbing her behind and pushing her against me to kiss her stomach.
“Yes, well, I was glad to have at least that. Martin, I love you a lot but now that we're home, go and have a shower and brush your teeth. Please.”
“By your command,” I smiled.
“Okay, you should know that turns me on. A lot. Please don't say that casually or... Oh look, this is what I mean.”
She gently took my face between her hands and made me look at her pussy. It was getting almost purple now and a tiny sheen of moisture appeared just underneath that piercing.
“See? Now go and shower.”
I did as she asked, brushing first. We continued to chat as I showered. The curtain was still there, but just for practical purposes. In fact I saw her sneak a peek. Then her phone dinged. Incredible: she was naked and still carried her phone.
“Mom says: Wonderful, I'll tell dad. Just don't give us grandchildren. Africa is beautiful.”
“Very practical, our mother. Shall I shave?”
“No, I like chafed thighs YES OF COURSE! What do you need?”
She handed me a new razor and my shaving gel. It's hard to shave without a mirror, but doable if you focus. Having your naked sister trying to look at your penis does not help.
“It's not hard. This is not how I want you to see it,” I said.
“How is it not hard! I'm naked and I'm going to suck it in a minute until the sheets crawl up your ass! I'm wetter than Typhoon Lagoon!”
“Kate, get the hell out of here! I'm trying to shave, I'll slit my throat in a minute if you keep making me laugh. Go and put on pink nail polish or something!”
“Yes Master,” she said and slammed the door behind her before I could say anything.
When I had made myself as presentable as I could manage, which included a second round of shaving in the mirror over the sink, a bit of a trim downstairs, flossing and a dash of cologne (Four Seasons Rome, very nice) I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the bedroom. Kate had been fixing herself up too, with a bit of make-up and some very nice lingerie.
“I promise it will come off in a minute,” she said, posing on the bed in a Z-shape. Then she stretched out her legs and presented her feet. Bright pink nail polish.
“I did that last night, after you left. I felt awful just a few minutes later and ran out to look for you. For some reason I guessed you'd go to Studio 68, so I went the wrong way. I came back in after half an hour and have been calling people ever since. Police won't let you file a missing persons report after only an hour, bastards. So I did those nails, just because I hoped you'd get to see my feet soon.”
“They're lovely. But I suppose I won't have to go without from now on.”
She pulled her legs back in and sat up.
“Never. As often as you wish. I'll get pedicures every week and I'll learn to give you footjobs. In fact, I've been practising with my feet. I can even write my name now.”
“Really? That's amazing!”
She didn't reply but just hooked her finger behind my towel and made it fall to the floor. I was hard now, so I was okay with her looking. She didn't say anything, but used that same finger to gently touch me, tracing the contours of my dick.
“So there's that spot...” she finally said. Not quite what I wanted to hear.
“Can I lick it?”
“What, the whole thing?”
“Eventually...”
She leaned forward and lifted up my dick so she could lick that lighter spot under the shaft. Her tiny tongue darted out and her manicured nails holding up the tip gave me a view that made sure I was as big as I could get. When she had licked every square inch of my penis, she took my hand and pulled me onto the bed. When I was comfortable and on my back, she crawled between my legs and very, very, very slowly manoeuvred my dick in front of her open mouth.
“Can I just say that I've not practiced this a lot?” she said. My God, she was insecure!
“Neither have I, so that's okay.”
“Don't do that, I don't want to laugh. I want to suck dick.”
She switched to Dutch and said the same thing she said to me in Melody's van. My dick moved, an unconscious response to that phrase. She actually let go, as if it had startled her.
“Did you do that!?”
“It listens in on my conversations. Though I can make it move.”
“Do that! Show me!”
My dick lazily bobbed up and down.
“Awesome!”
“Can't write my name though. Well I can, in the snow.”
She picked up her pillow and threw it at my face.
“Don't make me laugh! I'm officially going to suck your dick for the first time now. I want to focus.”
“Sweetheart, I'm not going to grade you. You can practise as much as you like.”
“Here goes... I've only been thinking about this for what, ten years or so. No pressure.”
And before I could respond to that, she took me in her mouth, then closed her lips and applied pressure with her tongue. She created a vacuum and began to move up and down. Forbidden fruit really does taste best.
She did that for about ten minutes, with predictable results. I tapped her shoulder first, then actually said out loud I was going to come. She just looked up, winked and continued sucking. I shot my load in her mouth and I don't know if it was the angle or the amount or just bad luck but she nearly choked on it. She had the presence of mind to press her face onto the pillow as she did so, but I was worried for a minute or so as she coughed and spluttered. The semen, now in contact with water, had solidified.
“That was not as sexy as I had hoped,” she admitted, taking the case off of the pillow to clean herself up a bit. She was embarrassed.
“Kate, it's not an audition.”
She got up, took the case with her and disappeared into the bathroom. She reappeared a few minutes later.
“All better. Shall I take these off now?”
My stomach rumbled and she laughed.
“Poor thing! Still haven't eaten, have we. Well, I have. Bloody hell, Martin, they say it's only a teaspoon. Felt more like I was trying to swallow a raw egg.”
Apparently the disgusted face I pulled was enough to have her collapse in a fit of laughter. We were clearly in need of a break, this wasn't the best moment to deflower my sister. I put on my bathrobe, stepped into my slippers and went to find something to eat. There was nothing. A jam cracker was the best I could manage. I would have gone shopping, but I was penniless yesterday. Still was.
“I'm calling Miss Ellie's, they deliver. You're getting ham and cheese, we're kissing today,” she said. She phoned in her order and joined me on the couch. We kissed for a bit. She slid down a cup of her bra and I sucked her nipple. Then she said:
“Now... while we wait, tell me why you pissed off Melody.”
“Okay. Before I do... if you get angry, will you hear me out?”
She put her hand on my leg.
“Don't worry, sweetheart. Unless you threatened to murder her, I'll be fine.”
“Okay. Well it's like this. After I found out Diana was married, I went home. Couldn't sleep, watched porn.”
“Obviously.”
“Yes. Didn't use safe mode, so my browser recorded every site I visited. Then I went out and did the show and Melody came to my house and used my laptop.”
“Oh right. And found your browser open on...”
“Not even that. Once you visit a site, if you type something similar it will suggest that site. So if you visit asshole.com and then you want to visit aardvark.com, as soon as you type an 'a'...”
“Got it,” said Kate. “So what did you visit? Okay wait... maybe you don't need to tell me. If it was just that, sites you visited... I know Melody. She's a bit sensitive.”
I took the decision to be honest. We'd only been a couple for about two hours. Best to be honest.
“I'll tell you. When I'm depressed, I sometimes visit sites where women are... used.”
“Raped?”
“Not so much raped as humiliated. Hazed. Made to do stuff.”
“Oh. So it's not kiddie porn, not gay porn, not snuff movies.”
“None of that. Eugh.”
“Then who the hell cares.”
“Melody. Look, I'll tell you. I want you to know. Between that and a foot fetish, I have no other weird stuff going on. I don't secretly sniff your underwear, nor do I want to wear it. I don't want to be in a vacuum suit. No ball stretching. Nothing like that. Just this: women getting humiliated. Pissed on. Kicked out into the street. Made to blow ten cocks in a row. Licking toilets. Or the floor.”
Kate wriggled in her seat, clearly uncomfortable.
“Right. And do you often watch that?”
“When I feel wronged by women. But normally it's just lesbians riding fucking machines.”
“The normal stuff,” she laughed. “Okay Martin. I get it. And I get why Melody exploded, she's not had the best of luck with men. We'll work on an apology. I'm sure she'll understand, if you're given a chance to explain.”
“Don't think so. And even though I should explain, I don't think making up with her is a priority right now, do you?”
“Of course it is! She's your friend, she loves you... Poor girl. You have to make amends. Hang on...”
She got off the couch and got out her phone.
“Kate, please, not now.”
“I see the delivery boy coming. There's a tenner in that blue box on the window sill. That's his delivery and tip.”
I answered in my bath robe, which was far more embarrassing to me than for the delivery guy. He had obviously seen worse. Much worse. And he left us two massive french loaves with ham, cheese, egg, cucumber, lettuce, everything. The Dutch call this a 'broodje gezond', literally a 'healthy sandwich.'
I set the kitchen table and poured milk for both of us, which is a force of habit. Kate had been gone way too long for her to appreciate the Dutch habit of having lunch with a huge glass of cold milk. She gave the glass a disdainful look and sat down.
“Suppose you're going to make me speak Dutch too,” she pretended to mope.
“No. But if you could moan in Dutch during sex, that'd be a turn on.”
“Teeheehee... I can do that. In fact, I do. I think. It's a bit of a mix. Now I texted Melody. I said: 'Spoke to Martin. He feels awful. Has good explanation. Hopes you'll listen, as do I.' She's typing now.
“You can see she's typing?”
Kate rolled her eyes.
“Oh God, you and your prehistoric phone. I'll call Three, have them send you an iPhone with bells on. Bloody hell, you're in their TV, radio and print commercials. Least they can do is give you a sodding iPhone for free. Yes, I can see she's typing. It's called iMessage. We're both on it.”
“Okay. Is she typing a lot?”
“Can't see that. Oh, here it is.”
Her phone went 'bwoop'. Guess that means: 'done typing'.
“She says: 'I had two horrible nights. Don't know if I can ever trust him again.' That's good, isn't it?”
“How is that good?!”
“Well at least she's still thinking about you. If she was actually over you, she wouldn't.”
“She NEEDS to be over me! Poor thing... Patiently waiting for me to become available, to be second best. Then ANOTHER woman swoops in.”
“She doesn't know that yet,” said Kate, tucking into her sandwich. I did so as well and my stomach growled by way of thanks. It's impolite to talk with your mouth full, but I eat faster than her.
“Oh, before I forget: I'm bankrupt too,” I said.
“Aren't you already?” said Kate, covering her mouth with her hand.
“Taxman seized my account. My Dutch one. All of it. I called my accountant, it's going to court.”
“Yeah, I heard. I called Evert too, I called half the Netherlands when you were gone. Fuckers. We'll stop paying you on that account then. Oh well...”
“Oh well? That's a bit of an understatement. I had north of 12.000 pounds there and I'm in the hole for one thirty. That was my interest and first payment!”
Kate shook her head and took a new bite.
“Bloody was!”
She grinned.
“Bwuffy wiffent. Fowwy.”
I drank milk as she chewed.
“Bloody isn't.”
“Oh right. Three is going to pay me that money to do what, install broadband personally for every new customer?”
“There's an idea for a prize, you could certainly do one or two homes. But no. That loan, it's gone. I called Richard Maarsen.”
“WHAT? When?”
“Two days after you told me, when I had scrounged together the money. Dad chipped in a bit too, fifteen thou. We paid Maarsen off, plus a tiny bit of interest.”
You could have knocked me down with a feather duster.
“It was going to be your birthday present,” she said, as if that explained it all.
“Katey, sweetheart... Let me explain a bit about money. So it's not a magical pixie dust that comes from rubbing Ariana Grande's credit card. It's a common means of exchange for goods and services and also a store of value.”
She listened to my fake lecture on money with a bemused smile.
“So the movement of money, this is important, does not decrease it's value. I owed Richard one hundred and thirty thousand euros. Now I owe YOU that amount, and dad. My debt has not changed and I am still, for all intents and purposes, penniless. Skint. Broke. Bankrupt. I can't pay you back this sandwich. Like... ever.”
“Right. Complicated stuff. Must be because I have tits. Say, how do you know who Ariana Grande is?” She took another bite.
“I'm a person with a penis, how could I not?”
She's very pretty, but not when she's spitting ham and cheese all over the kitchen table. I chuckled along with her because hey, I was poor but I had Kate. I'd live.
“I'm glad tiny and sexy turns you on,” she said. “Now about this stuff... money, you say? You were paying that guy four percent. Meanwhile, dad and I can barely get 1% on our savings account. So if you pay us half a percent over what we get at the bank, we make a profit and you save THOUSANDS. Suddenly you only have to pay us 2000 pounds a year, rather than 5200. So that's nice. Also, we're happy with just the interest. No need to actually reduce the sum. And further more, I've had the legal guy in our Amsterdam office have a look at your divorce settlement. Which is a matter of public record, as you probably don't know. That cunt owes you half that house. We can evict her and sell it or demand 350 thousand. Say the word.”
“I'm not making Monique homeless.”
“Homeless?! She gets 350.000 euros. That's a REALLY nice house. Not a four bedroom villa with a double garage, but she's hardly going to be destitute.”
“I know what I signed.”
“And you know me too. This is not over. Oh and as for money, you'll have five thousand pounds in your account tomorrow. Give me the details. Three is extending the run of your ad and you're in the Underground, as you know. That's all extra. And maybe we can salvage something of your career. I mean, insulting foreigners is our national sport, I don't think anybody would object to what you said about Mexicans. ”
“The Mexican ambassador does.”
“Yes. But his complaint won't be in before Friday afternoon, as we know. Now... do you have any sperm left after filling me up like an eclair?”
“No. I'll probably need six to eight hours.”
“Then how about you and me find Melody the most ludicrous bunch of flowers London can manage, plus a box of choccies she won't even be able to fit in that van and apologise to her?”
I cleared the table while Kate began to search for florists.
“Well, for one thing, she's at the studio. Where I am not going. For another, wouldn't it be better if she just forgot about me? I've known her for a month and she's been pissed off with me three times. What use is it to have her like me again?”
Kate didn't even look up from her screen.
“Then who is going to fuck you when I'm off to America for days or even weeks?”
I dropped a mug. Fortunately it wasn't hers, but the 'IJzerhandel Zwager' one. It shattered on the linoleum, although it was just a cheap promotional mug so the earthenware simply broke in six or seven pieces.
“Always hated that mug,” said Kate.
“So remind me,” I asked her, somewhat sarcastically. “You and me, how long have we been an item? It seems so long ago.”
I picked up the pieces and threw them out.
“Three hours? Give or take? I like to think the spark was already there when you were dressed as a hobo on that platform. So I'd say three hours.”
“If that. In those three hours, you've suggested I can fuck three women with impunity: Diana, Annabelle and Melody. Now, far be it from me to pry in your love life, you know that.”
She just nodded. Don't try to outdo Kate with sarcasm. I keep forgetting.
“Could we perhaps have touched on a reason why previous liaisons have not met with the most stunning of success rates?”
Kate mulled it over, then shook her head.
“I have on occasion offered a threesome. With another woman. And I made them beg for it. But all of those relationships have been men who pick up women like you pick up mud on your shoes. You keep forgetting that I was there throughout your dating life. And until three hours ago, I had no claim on you whatsoever. So who am I to now suddenly determine who you can and cannot have sex with?”
She got up and brought her mug to the sink, making sure I wasn't coming near it.
“So you wouldn't, say, be shielding yourself from what you are afraid might be a terrible mistake by setting up tripwires? Because honestly, fucking around in a relationship is something you might expect after say ten years, but three hours?”
She wrapped her arms around me and looked up, begging for a kiss.
“We have a million things to discuss. I have SO many things I want to tell you and ask you. But not in a comedic, sarcastic tone, because it doesn't take the edge off. Let's do that over the next few months, preferably during long walks or car rides. Is it important to you that I confirm I won't sleep with other men? Because I can promise you I won't. If I were interested, I'd be able to get me some whenever I want. I've had millionaires offer me penthouses to be their mistress. And that was last week. I've had more p