Even though I wasn’t losing Warren, and even though I wasn’t going to prison, life was unbearable.
The pain of losing Sasha coiled around my heart and threatened to squeeze the life out of me. I wanted numbness. I wanted drugs I wanted darkness. I wanted silence.
I withdrew from everybody and everything and no longer left my apartment, unless it was absolutely necessary.
Soong and Mike were wonderful – they took care of Warren on the days when I couldn’t get out of bed, the days when I stayed up all night, all day, and then became a zombie who sat in a chair and stared out of the window at nothing.
I forgot to eat, forgot to shower, forgot to take Warren to school some days, forgot to pick him up from school. In short, I had lost my marbles.
Tom had been working hard on his relationship with Warren, and slowly, I saw Warren warming towards his father.
I was relieved. With Bear the bastard out of the picture, Warren needed a father figure, and who better than Tom, his biological father?
“I want to take him to Canberra,” Tom said. “Just for a week.”
“Do you want to go, Warren?” I asked, expecting him to say no.
“Yes! Daddy is taking me to the monster truck show.”
“O…kay then.”
“Why don’t you come with?” Tom asked.
I gave a dismissive wave.
“It’ll do you good.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“I’ll get you a separate bedroom…?”
“I need to be alone, Tom,” I said. “Besides, I need permission to leave the state. Parole, remember?”
“Okay, if you change your mind, I will arrange permission for you with your parole officer.” They left without me.
A day later, I called and talked to Warren.
“Mom? Can…can you come over? Please? Mom? Mom?”
Ding! Ding! Ding! Something wasn’t right with Warren. Why was he whispering?
“What is it, Warren?” I asked with my heart in my mouth.
“Nothing Mom, I just…I just…need you, that’s all. Please, Mom.”
I felt like a sumo wrestler was sitting on my chest. Then and there, I decided that I was going to get Warren.
It was 6 p.m. No time to get permission to leave the state.
“Put Daddy on the line, Warren.”
“He’s missing you, that’s all,” Tom said in a casual voice. “Come on over.”
“I don’t have permission, Tom.”
“They won’t know. Just get into the Merc and drive down. Don’t break any speed limits and you’ll be fine. C’mon, he misses you! He’s been through a lot – let’s give him a break.”
Without thinking, and fighting off panic, I got into my car and drove to Canberra. It was a four-hour drive, so I could drive there, pick up Warren, and drive back by morning. Nobody would know I had left Sydney. I was careful with my speed and followed the rules of the road so as not to be stopped by the cops.
All went well.
Until I got to Canberra. Five minutes after I arrived in Canberra, and just six minutes away from Tom and Warren, I was pulled over by the cops!
I was stunned by my misfortune. For violating my parole, I was arrested and thrown in jail to serve my two-year sentence.
My rotten luck? You bet. Nothing affected me much those days, not even going to jail.
It was the numbness – it gave me a thick skin. I wanted to be removed from society so that I didn’t have to interact with anybody.
The only person who really affected me was Warren, who was now in Tom’s care.
I felt helpless and furious with myself for allowing that to happen. But I needed to keep Tom happy. I was very pleasant to him, saying all the right things and giving him hope that I may go back to him. It worked; Warren whispered that his father was nice to him.
Was I relieved!
****
Silverwater Correctional Center was where I was to serve my sentence. Minimum security, but a prison nevertheless.
Tom, of course, automatically got full custody of Warren. How could I possibly fault him? It wasn’t like he petitioned the courts for custody. I had stupidly brought this on myself. Losing custody of Warren made me once again think of suicide. I had basically lost both my kids because I had chosen freedom.
Anger cloaked me. Fuck this freedom shit. I had it all wrong. I was a nut job who messed up at every turn. Couldn’t even get it right with a boyfriend. What an epic fail I was.
Tom however, wasn’t – he was doing just fine. He brought Warren to see me every Sunday. He usually brought tons of gifts, food and chocolates with, most of which I gave away to other inmates and some to the wardens.
Everybody around me loved Tom and looked forward to his visits because of that.
To my utter relief, Warren didn’t look too sad or distressed, and for that I was immensely grateful and relieved. Perhaps Tom had changed after all. I so wanted to believe it.
I was a model prisoner, hoping to get early release from prison. I stayed out of fights, did what I was told, and spent my spare time sleeping and thinking about Warren and Sasha.
While incarcerated, I had plenty of time to think, and I thought about Bear too. What a disappointment he was to me. A con artist who preyed on gullible, needy, stupid women like me. What a sucker I was to believe all that he told me.
“Don’t leave me ever, Arena.” Arsehole!
“I don’t want to come home if there is no ‘us.’” Motherfucker!
“Haven’t felt this complete in a long time.” Bastard!
It was almost three months since he had left, so of course he wasn’t coming back. Was he wining and dining some other sucker while I languished in prison? Was he laughing his arse off at my trusting self?
I worked out what I would say to him if ever I saw him again. If he was fortunate enough to encounter me. It wasn’t going to be pretty if he did.
But after the bout of unbridled anger dissipated, I thought about Bear in a different way – his arms around my naked body, his muscular thighs over mine, his smiling cobalt eyes. The way he held my face with both his hands when he kissed me. That night at the restaurant with a fireplace – our first date. The way he played with Warren and Sasha. The day he told me that he loved me. Our favorite waterfall picnic spot…
I ached for him so much, I cried myself to sleep. In spite of everything that he did, I wanted him to hold me and love me the way he had before. Even if just for a day. What a pity that he knew exactly how to love me. Guess he cracked the code to my soul, got to my heart, and shredded it to pieces.
He was no longer my Care Bear; he was stripped of that title.
****
Two months after I was in prison, I had a visitor. Thinking it was Tom, I made my way to the visitor’s room and balked.
“Bear,” I mouthed, my heart flipping inside of me.
He stood there, hairy, disheveled, and looking like the disgusting piece of crap he was.
I hesitated, then walked slowly towards the man I once loved with all my heart. The dog who promised me the earth, only to let me down like Tom did.
“Arena, I’m so sorry, baby,” he said. “Sasha…I loved that child, I really did.”
Really now, you rotten piece of garbage?
“You should have said twelve weeks, not six, Bear-whoever-the-fuck-you-are,” I snapped as I slumped into a chair. “What happened, Bear – Goldilocks run out of porridge?”
Bitterness oozed out of me and I felt like someone else was talking inside of me. “If I could, I’d take one of these guards’ weapons, shove it into your mouth and blast you to smithereens, you revolting piece of shit. Who the fuck are you? Or have you forgotten who you are with all the yarns you spin?”
For a moment, he stared at me, then with his eyes still on me, slid over his police ID.
I sneered at it. “Made in China. You should have got some for the children too, you arsehole.”
“Arena, stop!” he hissed. “I am who I say I am, for fuck’s sake!”
I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him. “Don’t you take that tone of –”
“I was delayed, okay? The assignment took longer than I expected, Arena.”
“Really, Double-O-Seven? Hey,” I leaned forward in my chair, “can I be Moneypenny? Pretty please!”
He sighed. “Arena, contacting me would have compromised our investigation that took months to set up. I returned this morning and I’m here now. Don’t do this.”
Slowly, I stood up. “For the record, I really fell in love with you. I didn’t expect to fall in love with another man after what I had been through, and I didn’t want to. But you…you played me like a harp and it h…hurts.” I was furious at my voice for breaking, for exposing my vulnerability. Quickly, I took a deep breath and swung into damage control. “But hey, I learned my lesson.”
“Arena, listen –”
“Keep the beard, you look better in a mask.”
“Arena!”
I turned and walked away.
“Arena, stop!”
Secretly riled at seeing him again, I hurried to my cell and paced. Bastard! How could he act so sincere? If I didn’t know him better, if I hadn’t talked to Captain Warner myself, I would have believed him. What a slick actor. What a dog! These men and their Broadway shows. Well, that was the last I was seeing of that jerk. Even though I was rattled, I tried really hard not to think of the man I loved so much.
Later that day, to my surprise, I got another visitor.
It was Bear again. “Not you again,” I said, and turned to walk away.
“Arena, wait!”
I stopped walking.
“Look, Arena!”
I turned around and looked into a familiar face. I peered at Captain Warner, the man who told me that Bear was a fraud. “Captain…?”
“He’ll explain. Please, Arena, give me a chance, baby!”
“Don’t call me baby! Don’t ever call me baby again,” I hissed, my index finger darting at him.
Bear stared at me and said in a defiant voice, “Baby. I love you.”
“DON’T!”
Heads started to turn to look at us.
“Baby,” he repeated.
“D…don’t!” My voice started to break again.
“I love you!” Bear persisted. “Just listen to him. What have you got to lose? Please.”
I looked at Captain Warner. “Please, Arena,” he mouthed.
Bemused, I shuffled to take a seat opposite them.
“Mrs. Botha, I want to apologize for misleading you,” Captain Warner said. “Officer Shane Shaw, or Bear as we call him, is one of my finest, and I was protecting his life when I told you what I did. Right now, I cannot go into details, but I can confirm that he is who he says he is.”
He went on to explain that contacting Bear would have compromised not only Bear’s life, but would have put the lives of other undercover cops at risk.
“All I could do was to give you some money. I watched you take the two thousand dollars from your mailbox.”
“You?” My eyes bulged.
He nodded. “I’m really sorry to do that to you, especially during that terrible time in your life. I really had no choice but to stop you in your tracks.”
My eyes flew to Bear. He had not lied to me after all!
Bear nods slowly, a look of relief in his eyes. “I love you, baby,” he whispered.
My bottom lip started to tremble.
“I can’t walk away, Arena,” Bear said in a gentle voice. “I don’t wanna. I wanna stay and fight.”
My hands started to shake.
“We can do this, baby. Nothing and nobody can break us up if we have each other. Take my hand, baby. Don’t push me away. Please. I need you, and I want you to need me. It’s how I’m wired.”
“I…I…but…” I burst into tears. Put my head on the table and sobbed.
Quietly, Captain Warner backed away, leaving Bear to handle my tears, which were a combination of relief and sorrow. He hadn’t duped me. He was real. All his promises and declarations were genuine. He wanted to stay in spite of everything. I was worthy.
Sorrow…that’s another story.
“I n…needed you so m…much, Bear. I needed you to hold me. To t…tell me that I would be okay, Bear. I needed you so much!”
He hung his head, and when he lifted it, his eyes were full of tears. “Baby…” he shook his head, “to see you here, like this, after what you’ve been through…”
I nodded slowly, and for a while, we battled tears and sorrow together.
“How did things go so bad so quickly?” he asked.
I asked myself the same question – my life was going great, all my dreams were being realized, then wham! Disaster. My world was destroyed in a matter of seconds. I was in prison – what more could happen to me?
When we both were calmer, he smiled at me. “I will be waiting for you when you get out. I’m gonna marry you.”
I nodded.
His face turned solemn. “Coming home and not seeing you and the kids across my apartment…” He ran his fingers slowly through his hair. “It’s wrong. So wrong. I don’t want to come home anymore. It’s a horrible feeling, Arena. I’d give anything to turn back the clock. To go back to those wonderful days we all spent together.” We both fell silent as pain oozed through us.
What I would have given to turn back the clock. I would never have left my baby in the car. I would never have left Tom if I had known what was going to happen.
“You be strong, okay? I’ll be waiting for you, and we will get Warren back, baby. I promise you that, okay?”
I didn’t answer.
“Okay?” he demanded. “I want you to be whole. I need you to be whole.”
I nodded, desperate to believe him and grateful to hear him say that about Warren.
“Say you love me.”
I looked up at him. “I can’t touch you, so I need to hear you say that.”
“I love you, my Care Bear.”
He gave me a sad smile. “I love you, Arena.” He placed his hand over his heart, then slapped it loudly. “All of this, baby.”
I put two fingers to my lips, then pointed them at him.
“Man, I wanna hold you so much,” he whispered, his voice filled with desperation.
“Me too,” I croaked.
With tears in our eyes, we tore ourselves away from each other.
****
To my absolute joy, I was released after just six months in prison!
As promised, Bear was waiting for me with flowers and champagne. He scooped me up and whirled around with me before he kissed me. Then we hugged for a very long time.
To avoid riling up Tom, I didn’t move in with Bear.
I moved in with Soong, who had moved into a house with Mike while I was in prison, until I could figure things out.
At first, Bear wasn’t happy about the idea of me living with Soong, but Soong and I worked on him until he accepted it. Reluctantly at that. I did see him every day though.
Before I had gone to prison, I had given Soong a key to hold for me – the key to my storage unit, which housed all my jewelry, documents, and whatever I had left. In it was also a phone, which I was happy to have again.
Back to life. Back to my reality without my children. How could you enjoy freedom when you didn’t have the people you loved by your side? When you couldn’t be with the ones you loved?
I no longer had Sasha.
I no longer had Warren.
I no longer could live with Bear.
How the hell was I free?
****
Although I wanted to ask Tom for joint custody of Warren now that I was out of prison, I hesitated, deciding to work on him bit by bit. Besides, I was on parole, and I knew that the courts would ask me to wait out the rest of my sentence before they considered my application for joint custody.
Whenever I wanted to see Warren, Tom allowed it, providing he was there.
Not wanting to cause a problem, I accepted it.
Warren was thrilled to have me around and hugged me hard. But to my absolute dismay, he grew tearful whenever I left.
“Soon, baby,” I whispered, my heart splintering. “Soon.”
I was able to get back my BMW, but I couldn’t bear the thought of using it. Every time I looked at it, I saw Sasha’s angelic face in the back seat, and memories, bad ones at that, deluged over me. I eventually sold it and kept the cash.
I didn’t need a car anyway, so I didn’t ask Tom about the Merc sitting in our three-car garage in St Ives, and this time, he did not offer it to me. He became guarded and reserved after I got out of prison, and I attributed it to the fact that Bear was around.
However, being the proud peacock that he was, he never once mentioned Bear, as if to say that Bear did not feature, or was way too insignificant to be even worthy of a mention.
Sometimes, when I needed to see Warren, I used Bear’s Jeep to travel to them. Tom eyed the Jeep with a sneer on his face, but said nothing.
I was relieved that he wasn’t badgering me into coming back to him.
To keep myself busy, I started working full-time at Soong’s. My aim was to build a solid life with a proper income so that when I petitioned the courts for custody of Warren, I would get it. I wanted full custody, but was happy to allow Tom as much visitation as he wanted.
Bear and I saved most of our money for the attorney we planned to get. Each time he had gone on assignment, he had received a huge paycheck, and he saved all that money. Plus, he had his share of the proceeds from the sale of his house after the divorce. The total amount he had in his bank account was five hundred and forty-three thousand dollars.
It was for a security-related business he planned to open one day when he resigned from the police force.
Now he was more than happy to give it all to me for the attorney’s fees. “Use every penny, baby,” he said, giving me his bank card. “We’ll make it back, somehow. Warren’s worth it.”
I was moved to tears – he was prepared to forgo his dream for me. What more could I want in a man? If this is not showing love, what is?