The Rhyming Schizophrenic Avenger Book One by Colin J Platt - HTML preview

Chapter 2-moving on

 

Mal: Well, Loll, here we are in another shit hole of a motel. What say you to going out for a little dinner, just you and me?

Loll: Hey, look at this in the paper, Mal; the police are baffled by the deaths of seven members of a local gang who were shot in an alley in a suburb of Chicago, we were in the same place!

 Mal: I wonder who did it, loll.

Loll: The police say it was probably a rival gang.

Loll: What is this world coming to Mal?

Mal: I know, Loll, let’s buy a car and cruise up to Canada, but first let’s get some food, but  

 First I want you to listen to a poem I wrote, it is entitled ‘Our Leader’

   

Our Leader

I want to pay tribute to our beloved leader.

It wasn’t his fault that he was bit by a beaver.

He got ill with the pox and couldn’t function

He didn’t know the difference from the toilet to a luncheon.

He got out one day and headed for the town it was enough to make his family frown.

He only got as far as the local bar where he managed to meet striptease star.

He was so taken with her that he tried to touch her long hair.

Her boyfriend came over and didn’t recognize our leader, and then he grabbed him by the balls. Our leader cried out, people started to shout, that’s our leader don’ let him fall.

Her boyfriend let go, our leader fell low and collapsed in a pile on the floor.

Give him some air and get him a chair said the people who stood above him.

I’ll be alright said our leader in falsetto voice, maybe I made the wrong choice, I should have grabbed her soft bits instead of her long bits then I wouldn’t feel so bad.

The girl bent over to help our leader she had a lovely smile, our leader saw her cleavage and couldn’t get his leverage he had to tweak her bits.

Her boyfriend saw this came over with a hiss a knocked our leaders teeth in.

It was our leader’s fate to swallow his plate. Our leader now is legend.

Our leader is gone but not forgotten like her boyfriend who feels so rotten.

He is now in jail awaiting his bail but maybe he will be acquitted.

But he should have recognized our leader and been quick witted.

They should put a plaque up in the bar to say…

Our leader was a man of the people, he wouldn’t quit.

He only wanted to feel her soft bits.

Loll: I love it Mal, it is so thoughtful and emotional.

Mal: Thank you, Loll, I try to put feeling into it, maybe I should try to publish it?

Loll: I wouldn’t bother just yet, Mal. Why don’t you wait until you... get better?

Mal: You know I won’t get better, Loll.

Loll: Miracles happen, Mal.

Mal: You sweet guy, the thing I feel most sad about is leaving you, Loll.  

Loll: I won’t be able to live without you, Mal.

Mal: Don’t be silly, Loll. You will find someone to love you again.

Loll: No Mal, you are the only woman I have ever wanted. I used to look in the mirror and see your face, Mal; I don’t know if I ever told you that before?

Mal: You sweet, sweet guy, come on Loll, let’s go to the Mall and do some shoplifting.

Loll: Please Mal, not now.

Mal: I’m only joking, loll, we can afford lunch now, yes?

Loll: Yes, Mal, anything you fancy.

Mal: OK, Loll, we are here in the Saddle Bum Bar, let’s order beer and ribs.

Loll: Why did you want to come here? This is a crappy place to eat, I wanted us to dine well for once, and not be bothered by bums.

Mal: Relax, Loll, I like these places, the people are real characters, not like Dean Westwell, remember him? He said he wanted to give me some of his stock, I went with him to his office and as soon as the door was shut he tried to drug me with his champagne. I was sure glad you followed us in there Loll; you broke his arm as he tried to get my pants off.

Loll: I knew he was keen on you, Mal, I saw the way he ogled your legs as you sat down.

 Mal: You’re my knight in shining denim, Loll. (Old man walks up)

Hank: Are you new here, honey? I haven’t seen you around before.

Mal: I’m with my husband.

Hank: Where is he? Or are you trying to be hard to get?

Mal: He’s around; he always turns up when I need him.

Hank: Well, if he doesn’t turn up I will be pleased to escort you wherever you want to go.

Mal: That’s sweet, thank you.

Hank: It’s not often we see a real lady here.

Mal: I like these sorts of places, they excite me.

Hank: I know lots of exciting places and people.

Mal: I bet you do, what’s your name?

Hank: Henry, what’s yours?

Mal: Mal, its short for Marylyn.

Hank: Wow, I like it, and you can call me Hank, if you like, its short for Henry. Would you like some ribs and beer?

Mal: I’m expecting my husband any time, but if he doesn’t show up after I come back from the ladies room, I’ll certainly have a bite or two with you. (Mal/ Loll go to the toilet)

Loll: Mal, what are you trying to do? This guy is old enough to be your father.

Mal: I am trying to be courteous, he likes me, I can see that and he wants to pay.

 Loll: He wants to get your pants off, I can see that.

Mal: You can be very gloomy sometimes, Loll.

Loll: I want to protect you, but you make it so hard, OK, I will let you have your little fling; just make sure you use protection.

Mal: What’s the point, I ’m dying anyway.

Loll: The point is I want you to be safe.

Mal: Thank you, Loll, but I can take care of myself, although I want you to be near; promise me you will be?

Loll: Of course I will; we are like Siamese twins.

Mal: I wrote another poem last night, would you like to hear it, Loll?

Loll: Yes, Mal, you are so talented.

Mal: It’s called Mutant Army.

   

Mutant Army

I remember all my friends from the Rebel Army but most of them were filthy and barmy.

How can you live with people who think that being a rebel you have to stink?

My killer robot is my best friend he saved my life at Newton’s bend.

The Mutant army was camped in a dell I rolled a barrel bomb down and sent them to hell.

Why do they still function when they are blown to bits?

It’s enough to send me to the pits.

 It’s unnerving seeing a severed head trying to talk or a single leg hopping and trying to walk.

Stinky McKenzie knew what was what he would pick up the bits and put them in a pot.

The other people in our crew didn’t have a clue what was in the stew.

Laurie Dingle was one of our mates she was married to a guy called Luke,

she didn’t know what the stew contained, when we told her boy did she puke.

She would let the boys have their way with her, sometimes all at once.

Mutants caught them at it one day they saved Dingle but blew the boys away.

I was upwind having a crap when I heard the scrap but there was nothing I could do.

When I got back the whole place was black with bits of my friends on trees;

What could I do but sit down and scratch I just couldn’t get rid of the fleas.

All the boys were scattered around like confetti at a wedding.

But first things first the fleas had to go I had to get rid of my bedding.

I stripped down to bathe in the river so mucky ten minutes later I came out

 as dirty but boy was I lucky; one of the Mutants had come back for his bag which was hanging on a tree, it contained an assortment of female adornments I guess he was a transvestite?

A transvestite Mutant I had never heard of but no matter whether her or he, my robot shot him in the rear and it blew him all over me.

Now I will have to bathe again there was more of the gore on me than the floor.

Two hours later I was at the Mutants camp they were having their way with Dingle.

There were forty odd Mutants standing in a line I knew this was my moment.

I told my robot to stay in the trees while I crept up behind them on my knees.

I stood up to shoot but to my surprise my pants fell down around my thighs.

The Mutants turned around they were having a fit, I pulled the trigger and blew them to bits.

Luckily Dingle was fine apart from the swine who was still trying to fondle her, he only had an arm and part of a leg which was now just a peg but his hand was clutching her bosom.

I shoved it away with a look of dismay as Dingle gazed at me.

Let’s get away from here she said I’m losing my sanity.

I said no wonder you’re sad it’s a blessing you’re not mad, come, we’ll make our way to town.

As we set off to walk some of the bits that could talk said, ‘We’ll get you yet.’

I looked down with disgust at the mess and the pus and gave them a second helping.

They exploded in fire and fell in the mire, oh, what a sight.

Dingle was shaking and I was quaking, we walked for a while she started to smile I asked what happened to your husband?

She said he got blown up in a train and it altered his brain then they turned him into a Mutant.

I said, my God what a future he’s going to have. She said no it’s OK you shot him today he was one of the Mutants inline.

Loll: I love it, Mal; it really shows your blooming talent.

Mal: I’ve got plenty more where that came from, Loll, but have I got the time?

Loll: Please don’t overdo it, Mal.

Mal: I will try to be more of a lady, Loll; you always wanted me to wear conservative clothes didn’t you?

Loll: I also like you in short skirts, you always had good legs.

Mal: Thank you Loll, now, for Mr. Money bags.

(Mal/ Loll walk back into bar.)

Hank: I thought you were never coming out, honey.

Mal: You’re very eager Mr.?

Hank: Just call me Hank; we don’t want to get bogged down by getting overly familiar, do we?

Mal: You just want a one night stand then?

Hank: Who knows, maybe you could be my regular girl.

Mal: I’m afraid not, my husband wouldn’t like that.

Hank: Well, what about coming over to my hotel for a short while?

Mal: OK, but I have to warn you I like to be pampered.

Hank: Me too, you could scrub my back while we take a bath.

Mal: You naughty man, OK lets go. (They arrive at Hanks hotel)

Mal: My, you have expensive tasted, Hank, this is the top suit isn’t it?

Hank: Yes, and now you can strip off and get on that bed.

Mal: Hold on a bit, you said you wanted to be pampered.

Hank: I’ve changed my mind, I want you on all fours, now get in there.

Mal: I have to warn you that my husband won’t like this; he will beat you silly if you don’t treat me right.

Hank: Oh, I will treat you right; you tarted up excuse for a woman.

Mal: Well, I can see you for what you are now; an old perverted man.

Hank: And I can see you for what you are, did you not think I could see the Addams apple? You’re just an old perverted man with a fetish for women’s clothes, now get them off!

Mal: I will scream and bring the house down.

Hank: Try it and see what you get, this room is sound proofed and no one will come, do you want to know why? It is because I am the owner, now will you get in there?

Mal: Be nice to me and I will forget all this nastiness, but if you keep this up my husband will beat you black and blue.

Hank: Oh and how will he do that? There is no way he will get in here.

Mal: (taking off her coat and skirt and standing in the Karate fighting position)

Hank: Well, look at this, I can’t believe my luck, I used to be the county wrestling champion and can still beat the tar out of you.

Mal: And I used to be kicked all over the place until I learnt Karate so it should be a fait fight.

Hank: I’m going to kill you; I know I can get away with it. I have killed many people like you, I hate your type, I will slowly strangle you and then I will cut you up and drop you down the rubbish chute.

Mal: (Looking serious) Loll, are you there?

Loll: Yes, baby, I’m here and I will defend you with all my might.

Hank: What is this? Are you crazy?

Loll: Everybody is a little crazy mister, so do your worst.

Hank: (Runs at Mal/Loll, Loll kicks him in the stomach and follows it up with an elbow to the side of the face. Hank folds up and collapses in a heap.)

Mal: I think he’s dead, Loll.

Loll: Good riddance, I say, let’s get out of here, Mal.

Mal: First let’s check out his wallet, seven hundred dollars, not bad.  Get his keys and we’ll look for the safe.

Loll: It could be anywhere?

Mal: You forget, Loll, I’ve been in these places many times, I can smell it, you can be sure it’s behind a locked cabinet.

Loll; Yes here it is, but the safe key isn’t here and there is a combination lock also.

Mal: I can crack the combination, and we will be sure to find the key in another locked cabinet. The most important thing is to find the tape recorder; he probably keeps it nearby as he wouldn’t want anyone to find it.

Loll: It will probably be in the next room. (Loll looks for the key but it’s not there)   

Mal: (sitting down and pondering) If I read this right, we could be in big money, Loll.

Loll: How do you mean?

Mal: Mr. Pervert over there probably has things in order, and I think he would keep a backup money supply.

Loll: You mean he has another safe?

Mal: Yes, or a stack somewhere, maybe in a place where no one would ever think of looking, but me.

Loll: How do we get in the next room without making a noise?

Mal: Use your head, Loll, look in the drawers; it’s probably taped under one of them.

Loll: (finds the key and goes into the room) Wow, this place is a regular palace, Mal; Mr. Pervert must have had a fortune.

Hank: Have, you mean, I’m not dead yet.

(Mal looks around to see Hank stood at the door with a flick knife in hand)

Mal: You will be if you don’t tell me where your real money is.

Hank: You’re a regular little schemer, aren’t you?

Mal: I’m more than that; I’m your worst nightmare.

(Hank comes toward Mal slowly with the knife. Mal pulls her gun out and shoots him in the kneecap)

Hank: You little shit!

Mal: You didn’t know I had a gun, did you? Now, give me the combination and keys of the other safe and be quick about it.

Hank: I’d rather die than give you anything.

Mal: (shoots him in the other kneecap)

Hank: Aaaah, you bloody bastard, OK, it’s behind the bath panel.

Mall: (finds the key and gets the combination and location of the safe from Hank)

Mal: OK, Mr. Moneybags, after we get the tapes and stuff from the other safe we will leave you in peace, if you ever try to inform the police or anyone else about what happened here, then these tapes of your former crimes will be brought out of storage, do you understand?

Hank: Yes

Mal: You will have to say that you shot yourself by accident which will make you seem like a complete fool, but accidents happen, yes?

Hank: Just go away, I want to get help.

Mal: Yes, you will probably know someone who will patch you up with no questions asked. If you ever try to find me, I will be back and finish you off. Well, it’s not been very nice to meet you, remember me as someone who will keep a close eye on your life from now on, so try to be better. Bye.

(Mal/ Loll walks out of the hotel like a call girl; with a large shopping type bag over her shoulder, no one takes any notice.)

 Loll: What now, Mal?

Mal: I think a taxi to the bus station and on to Canada, Loll. By the way, I have a new poem for you, would you like to hear it?

Loll: Of course, Mal.

Mal: It’s called my Killer Robot.  

  

   My Killer Robot

I have a killer robot that makes me feel so proud.

Whenever I’m in trouble he always shouts so loud.

Leave my Daddy alone or I will kill you, he exclaims.

I should take him back to the factory but I want him to remain.

How could I get by without my robot back-up?

People in the city feel they should pack up. 

Why should I leave my home and roots just because Mutants

have decided to loot.

The Government can’t help they are adverse; some people say they are a curse.

I wish I could go back to 2095 when everything was so simple,

you could take a robot pill to get rid of a pimple.

How did it come to Earth War three?

It still baffles me.

Star ships came to help us move to an unknown world where

things would be approved.

The Alien-Bods are a terrible race they try to kill us at every place.

I pray to God to get rid of the Bods,

but all we get are more Mutant pods.

Our band of rebels is getting less, everyone is under stress.

We need a leader like Genghis Khan but all we have is Jerry Macfarn.

He’s not so bad but without his feet he can’t really run, his life is now bleak.

He has robot legs which do as they please they separated at the knees.

His name is now shorty, his life became strife when Mutant s tried to grab his wife. 

They grabbed her behind she turned around to find Mutants ogling her bits.

She tried to scream but no one was seen until Jerry came on the scene.

He leveled his laser-gun but the Mutant was faster by a ton.

Shorty was struck in the thighs it reduced his size but his courage never did falter.

What became of his wife no one knows perhaps she’s a Mutant now?

 I can remember I had my way with her but she was as a silly cow.

I remember Jack Crow he was the leader of our squad, he had a face like a ferret but a body like a God.

 Alien-Bods captured him in Bose they cut off his scrotum and sewed it to his nose.

Now he is known as the dick that smelled an unfitting tribute to a guy so swell.

I remember his wife she was as lovely as Venus, but her husband had a nose like a penis.

She left him flat, he then became fat with nothing but eat but garbage and crap.

He decided to attack the Mutants camp but he only got as far as the main door ramp.

A Mutant jumped from high on the walls and landed on his face and his balls.

Life was never the same after that, how could it be with a face like a t---.

Loll: I love it Mal, it’s so you.

Mal: Thank you Loll, OK, let’s go.

 

To be continued in The Rhyming Schizophrenic Avenger Book Two

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