Chapter 11
What would usually have been a long and tedious journey to Dublin for Mia, passed surprisingly quickly, but then her mind had been on other things. The girl she had seen at the side of the road for one. It couldn’t have been her. It couldn’t be anything to do with Tomas. Could it...? She shook her head.
‘We’re here,’ the cab-driver called from the front.
Mia handed over the fare and climbed out. Standing outside the elegant apartment block, she looked around at her surroundings and smiled. Large mature trees lining either side of the road shadowing new BMW’s, Mercedes and a few other convertible coupe’s.
‘Nothing but the best for our Simone,’ she smiled again as she walked up to the main entrance. Grabbing the open door, as one of the residents strode past, she decided to take the stairs. Climbing the Italian marble steps, she climbed to the second floor. ‘Number 11…’ she spoke aloud searching each door along the corridor. ‘Number 12. Aha...13.’
Dropping her bag to the floor, she knocked and listened. In retrospect she knew she should have contacted Simone, if only to be certain she would be home. Pressing her ear closer to the door she could just about hear the soft sounds of muffled laughter. Mia knocked again, louder this time. Hearing a male voice approaching, Mia stood back surprised. Simone had mentioned there was a man on the scene, but before she could think any further the door opened wide. Mia and Jack looked at each another with the same expression of pleasure and surprise.
‘Can I help you?’ Jack asked, speaking first.
‘Hello, is Simone there?’ she asked, stretching onto tip-toes in an effort to see over his shoulder.
‘Who shall I say is calling?’ he asked. ‘Mia.’
Before either of them got the chance to move further into the apartment, Simone spoke. ‘Who is it Jack? If it’s someone selling something tell them I’ve already bought it,’ Simone laughed as she sauntered into view. ‘Mia!’ she exclaimed. ‘What are you doing here?’ she said, rushing forward and swinging her arms around Mia’s neck, squeezing tightly. Simone faltered for just a second. ‘Mia, this is Jack...Jack this is my oldest friend in the word Mia.’
‘Mia,’ he greeted, smiling broadly and extending his hand. ‘Hello, Jack,’ she said, clasping the offered hand.
‘What brings you to Dublin? Jeez, Mia, if I knew you were coming I’d have gotten some food in,’ Simone rushed over-excitedly. ‘Is Oliver with you?’ she asked, looking out into the empty corridor. ‘No, I left him at home with a list of jobs as long as your arm,’ Mia laughed.
‘D’you want a drink?’
‘Water, I’m gasping,’ she said, following Simone into the large open-plan living room. Seeing a large cream-coloured sofa there, she collapsed onto its soft plump cushions rubbing her hand across her tummy.
Jack saw the small bump protruding beneath the material of her dress and rushed forward to get her some more cushions. ‘When’s it due?’ he smiled.
‘Is it that obvious?’ she laughed. ‘Not really.’
‘Just as well she’s pregnant, Jack,' Simone scolded. 'What if she was just fat?’ she laughed handing a large glass of iced water to Mia.
Mia sipped gratefully on the water stopping only when the glass was almost half empty.
Jack sat across from her, a puzzled look on his face.
Simone sat on the edge of the sofa beside Jack leaning her arm across the ledge of the cushions behind his head without touching him.
‘So how do you two know each another?’ Jack asked lightly, but his tone was tight.
‘I’ve known Sim, for what...?’ she passed the question to Simone.
Who seemed genuinely very comfortable with the whole idea that neither lover nor best friend had ever met.
‘Since we were what, 17...18?’ Simone offered. ‘Thereabouts,’ Mia agreed.
Jack nodded, tight-lipped.
‘Mia lives in the arsehole of nowhere with outside toilets and wind-up clocks,’ Simone teased, laughing comfortably.
‘Don’t mind her, I’m living about ten miles from Bantry.’
‘Do you see each other much?’
‘Sim comes down to bitch about the remoteness, and lack of civilization, every so often. I reckon it’s just to see if I’m still surviving rural life.’
‘Back of beyond, say no more!’ Simone laughed, secretly enjoying Jack‘s obvious irritation. She was glad Mia had called, if only to remind Jack that he still knew fuck-all about her, and that’s the way she liked it. A small silence followed making Mia feel somewhat uncomfortable.
‘Simone, did you get my message, only I don’t want to ruin any plans you and Jack may have.’
‘Relax, we got back about an hour ago. Did you leave a message on my mobile, only I left it behind in the rush.’
‘But I phoned yesterday.’
‘I left yesterday, Jack whisked me off for the night.’
‘Very nice,’ Mia smiled lightening the atmosphere, though it had no effect on Jack.
But before she spoke again, Jack stood up from the sofa, reaching toward Mia.
‘It’s been very nice meeting you, Mia. Hopefully we might get to do so again, now that we know each other,’ his tone seemed a little strained.
‘Nice to meet you too, Jack,’ Mia smiled, returning the handshake.
‘Are you going already?’ Simone asked.
‘I’ve have a few things to do. I’ll give you a call,’ his tone was curt.
Simone shrugged easily and followed him to the door. Their goodbye was brief and Simone returned quickly. ‘Didn’t think he'd leave so soon, he practically ran out of here, didn’t he?’ Simone noted.
‘Hope I haven't intruded, Sim. I mean, I can always get the late train back?’
‘Don’t be daft. Just wish I'd gotten your message, I could have planned something.'
‘And hide Jack?’ Mia raised her brows. ‘No...’ Simone refuted weakly.
‘How long have you been seeing him?’
‘A while.’
‘Don’t mind your "a while", how long?’ Mia sat upright in her seat.
‘Does it matter?’
‘I think it does. It does to Jack too, I could see that. How come we don’t know about each other?'
‘Three years,’ Simone sighed as she answered. ‘What?’
‘I’ve known Jack three years, and yes I’ve been seeing him, as long.’ Mia leaned forward onto the edge of her seat. Was this what Mia had felt all along from her oldest friend, is this what Simone has been hiding? Judging by Jack’s reaction, it would seem he harboured similar feelings. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about him?’Mia asked, feeling a little hurt by the secrecy.
‘What's there to tell?’ Simone answered lightly.
‘What d’you mean, "what's there to tell"? Christ, Simone, if I didn’t tell you what colour my knickers were you’d have a freak attack and then sulk for a month. How can you sit there and say "what’s there to tell?". Mia was getting angry. ‘And he didn’t know about me either, did he?’ she added.
‘No,’ Simone conceded rather sheepishly. ‘And why not?’
Without answering Simone stood up, putting some distance between them.
‘What is it, Simone, what’s up with all this secrecy? Three years and not a mention of his name.’
‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry, not unless you know why?’
‘Oh come on, Mia. Since when do I have to run every man I go out with, by you?’
‘There was a time when you did. But that’s not what I mean, and you know it, he’s hardly a one-night stand, is he?’
‘Well...you’ve met him now.’
‘But no doubt you would’ve kept him hidden away if you knew I was coming, wouldn’t you?’
‘Don’t be angry with me, Mia, please,’ Simone pleaded, looking perturbed.
‘I’m not angry... I’m disappointed,’ Mia said.
‘Yeah well join the queue,’ Simone muttered over her cola. ‘Meaning?’
‘Nothing,’ Simone answered.
‘Have I let you down in some way? To be quite honest, this is part of my reason for calling?’
‘You needed a reason?’
‘Stop acting the maggot.’
Simone sat back down on the armchair opposite.
‘Look, Sim, I didn’t come here to fight. I came here to find out what’s really up with you.’
‘Nothing.’
‘If you’re going to keep playing games with me, I might as well leave now,’ Mia went to move.
‘Don’t.’
‘Tell me then, tell me why I haven’t even heard of Jack let alone met him until now? Tell me why you felt you had to keep it from me?’
Simone looked uncomfortable.
‘And another thing, while I’m asking...tell me why you’re so pissed-off about my pregnancy?
Simone opened her mouth but Mia interrupted her. ‘The truth, Simone.’
Simone sat upright and looked across at the piercing green eyes boring through her. She saw the hurt and the confusion and wanted to tell her the truth, but how on earth could she?
How can I tell you the truth? How can I tell you that I want Oliver, your Oliver. How can I tell you, Jack is only an inadequate replacement for him that I want what you have from the first moment I met him, Mia. I want Oliver’s arms around me at night. I want the scent of his skin against mine. I want him to look at me the way he looks at you. I want my life to slot neatly into place just as yours has. I want what you have. Oliver.
‘I'm not sure, I know the truth myself,’ she finally mumbled. ‘You do, Sim, you just don’t want to tell me.’
‘I didn’t say anything about Jack, in the beginning, because...there was nothing to say, really.’
‘And now?’
‘I still don’t know. He loves me...I know that...’
‘And you?’
‘I guess some are not so lucky with love. How do you define it?’
‘You can’t...you feel it.’
‘And what if you don’t?’
‘It can't be forced. When it hits you, you'll know.’
‘To be honest, the longer I’m with him, the more I think, it’s not going to work out. We want such different things really…’ I want Oliver ‘...and he’s a really great guy,’ she added.
‘But...?’ Mia prompted.
‘Exactly...there’s a "but". If I truly loved him, there wouldn’t be a "but", would there?’
‘Course there would, Oliver and I have a million questions, so what?’
‘And here’s me thinking love is unconditional, and all that crap,’ Simone grinned.
‘Course there are conditions, it’s called compromise.’
‘He's a huge part of my life, Mia, and I know I'd miss him if he wasn’t around, but I’m not sure if I'd miss him enough.’
‘Why not?’
‘Haven’t you been listening?’
‘Yes. So far, the guy seems faultless. Listen to yourself, you haven’t said one bad word about him.’
‘Just because he’s not the usual type of bastard, I go for, doesn’t mean he’s the one for me.’
‘So why didn’t you tell me about him?’
‘Because I knew if I did I’d see what I’m seeing now.’
‘What?’
‘That look.’
‘What look?’
‘Just because you’re happy with Oliver, doesn’t mean the whole world should follow suit.’
‘I never said, it should.’
‘No, but you’d soon cajole me along, tell me what a brilliant guy he is, and before I knew it I’d end up wearing a white dress, ordering salmon from the menu, with a gold ring on my finger.’
‘I’ve never told you what to do, Sim. You wouldn’t have listened to me anyway.’
‘I suppose what I’m trying to say is, I was frightened of being influenced in any way. I do listen to you, Mia...always have. This time, I just wanted to come to my own conclusions.’
‘And have you?’ Mia asked unconvinced by her argument. ‘No.’
‘You don’t have to exclude me in order to make decisions.’
‘I just wanted to be objective?’
‘That’s bullshit!’
‘I knew you wouldn't understand.’
‘Well, how come Jack doesn’t know about me?’
‘It never came up.’
‘Do you ever talk about the past?’
‘Do you?’ Simone shot back, hating the inquisition. She also hated having to toy with words, but what choice did she have, she knew Mia wasn’t buying her spiel for one minute.
‘I talk about the good times, Sim, not the bad, there's a difference.’
‘Which good times?’
‘We had some,’ Mia insisted.
‘I’ve spent the last few years trying to forget about those times, not drag them up again.’
‘They weren’t all bad.’
‘Yes they were.’
‘All of them?’
‘Christ, Mia, have you been lobotomized or something?’
‘No, the difference is I’m living for the future now. But I still recall enjoying, at least, some of those days.’
‘I have no fond memories of living in a squat, shooting up, and not knowing whether it was day or night.’
‘I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about the times before that. The times, we just had the clothes on our back, a few pounds in our pockets and the price of a one-way ticket to France. And what about the time we scammed our way into a topless pageant at Stringfellow’s, or the times we spent up at Horsham with the Oxford crowd, and the many other crazy things, we did.’
‘Yeah, well all I remember is stealing money from wherever I could find it, sleeping in my own vomit and waiting for my next day's methadone, praying I could last 'til then.’
‘I know, Simone...I was there too.’
Neither spoke again for a while. They sat in silence swilling the last of their drinks, thinking about what had been said.
‘Is this what this whole thing is about, Sim...choices...? Do you
resent, me in some way, for the choices I’ve made?’
‘No.’
‘Do you think I’ve sailed through life dusting off one disaster after another with a flick of a wrist, because if you do, that saddens me.’
‘Well I am a disappointment, am I not?’
‘Grow up, Sim, stop constantly seeing yourself as the victim. You and I have shared some pretty crazy times but we’ve always been there for each another. That’s why I find it so hard to believe you could keep something as important as Jack from me. And I still don’t know why.’
‘I told you.’
‘No, you told me what you think I want to hear, there’s a difference.’
‘I can’t win, can I?’
‘It's not a competition, just be honest with me, is that so hard?’ Simone didn’t answer.
‘Sim...?’
‘I am being honest with you, but sometimes I just want to deal with things myself.’
‘You do anyway.’
‘I’m not excluding you, I promise. It’s just you and I have very different lives now.’
‘We’ve always had different outlooks, Sim, but we’ve always pulled together.’
‘Yeah, I know, but you have Oliver now.’
‘I know. But I hope I have you as well.’
Yeah, but we can’t always have what we want can we? Simone thought, fiddling with her empty glass.
‘You’re doing it again.’
‘What?’
‘Hiding.’
‘Tuh!’
‘Simone, you’re the closest thing I’ll ever get to having a sister and I don’t want to lose you, so please stop shutting me out. What are you so afraid of telling me?’
Simone didn’t answer. She loved Mia, but couldn’t help how she felt. She was in love with Oliver and there was nothing that could be done about it. She was becoming weary with the issue and wished Mia would drop the whole thing.
‘Perhaps you’ll tell me one day. Whatever you think, Simone, I just want you to be happy. I don’t expect us to be joined at the hip, but I do want you to feel you can always be truthful with me.’
‘I know.’
Simone climbed out of her seat and reached for Mia’s glass. ‘Same again?’
‘Please, but I need to use your loo first.’
‘First door on the left.’
Closing the bathroom door behind her, Mia looked into the large mirror hanging over the sink and studied her reflection. Like storm clouds on the cusp of a sunny day, a hint of sadness darkened her eyes. Oliver always said the truth was in her eyes. If so, had Simone seen that hurt and doubt too. No matter what Simone said she knew her friend was keeping the truth from her. Examining all that had been said, the idea that Simone may be feeling envious crept back into her mind. Is that how she really sees me as "lucky with love."? Had she suffered a bout of amnesia? She was there and had witnessed firsthand the aftermath of the rape. Her frail body wasting away 'til it was little more than skin and bone, from drugs and self- loathing. Simone herself had carried her intoxicated, drugged-up body home, night after night, and saved her when she had swallowed enough paracetamol to kill a horse.
Simone had witnessed her physical and emotional breakdown and had been there as she slowly crawled out of that hell. And they had done it together. Luck had nothing to do with it. It had been one long, pitifully slow journey back to where she was today, and Simone had shared every step with her. And now, after all these years, for the first time since she could remember, that same friend was becoming a stranger. Why? What was it that Simone could not share with her, what could be so terrible that she would be prepared to threaten the very bond they shared. No answers came to Mia, and she knew that none would come from this visit. Maybe that in itself was her answer. Perhaps Simone wanted to disconnect from her, and the past, for good but that she was just too blind to see it.
***
Walking quickly between the aisles of the Intercity carriage, Mia headed toward the front of the train, armed with a salad sandwich, a bottle of water, and enough magazines to pass the hours on the long journey home. Eventually she found a couple of empty seats and sat down placing her overnight bag beside her in the hope that any commuter passing by would get the message and leave her alone. Placing her sandwich and water on the table, she peered out the dirty smoked stained window and saw the station clock read 08:28 a.m.
She had been unable to sleep most of the night at Simone’s and had eventually given up the fight getting up at six am. Simone, heard her movements and joined her for a very early breakfast. Mia, though happy she came up to see her friend, still felt the growing disconnection between them.
The visit had left her with more unanswered questions, but she decided it was pointless pursuing them any further. Simone would tell her in her own good time and if she didn’t, well there was nothing she could do about it. Now that she had Oliver and a baby on the way, her world was changing. Perhaps Simone had come to that realisation as well
Peering out through the window, she watched the commuters stepping up and onto the train, glad that they hadn’t reached her carriage yet. Even though she had a few hours sleep, she was still tired. All she wanted was to get home, have a relaxing bath, and maybe coerce Ollie into rubbing her back and anticipating that luxury, she stretched her limbs moaning softly as her muscles loosened.
Mid stretch, peering across to the other woman sitting diagonally across from her on the other side of the train, she stiffened at the sight of a razor-sharp blonde bob, one she had known and despised from her school days, and it was sitting less than four feet away.
‘Melina,’ the name slipped out from Mia’s mouth. ‘Oh hello,’ Melina muttered.
Mia was shocked to see Melina Murphy sitting across from her, as she had heard that the woman had moved to Bristol some years ago to teach at a private day school for girls outside the city, no doubt spouting her vile antiquated beliefs upon unsuspecting teenagers in her thrall. This same woman had been entirely responsible for why she had left school in the first place all those years previously and it wasn’t just her that had pushed her out of her home town at the time.
The father of Firinne had too owned that day, when she was practically run out of town for the mishap of getting pregnant in her sixteenth year by Tomas Murphy, Melina’s brother. The vile and resolute hatred Melina directed at her throughout that year of pregnancy, forced her very departure from her home and onto a ferry to England, all to give up the baby she carried. Tomas, the father of their child, inadequate and weak in his family’s disgust at the pregnancy, had no strength to deal with their vitriol at the time and because of that bitch sitting across from her, he was never to know his little baby daughter. Ironic now, since that baby daughter was to be his only living relative, as she had heard he had died in a building site accident five years after her birth. Mia had heard that the family, to this day were bereft at the actions of their ignorance and intolerance at the time. They were without their granddaughter and all because of their unmoveable bigotry. Still, a least, Mia had done what was right in the end, she had removed that little baby from Eranmore and given her up to a new and loving family that would want her, healthy, happy and unstained by narrow minded Catholic intolerance for illegitimate children.
‘Up shopping for the day?’ Melina purred. ‘Visiting.’
‘Friends or family?’
‘Friend.’
‘Oh.’
An uncomfortable silence, hung between them, before either of them spoke.
‘Congratulations are due, I see,’ Melina finally said, her eyes darting to Mia's tummy with the same judgmental glint Mia had seen all those years earlier.
The same look Simone gave me.
‘When’s it due?’
‘Autumn.’
‘An autumn baby, Oliver must be pleased.’
‘Yes, he’s quite excited now.’ How does she know Oliver? ‘First time being a father, I suppose he would be,’ she stated. ‘Hmm.’ Was that a dig?
‘I never had time for family myself,’ she said, preening her perfectly straight hair.
‘Does anyone?’ Mia asked, genuinely puzzled by the statement. ‘Maybe, maybe not. I just know what a commitment they are...children, I mean.’
‘Well they say they're for life,’ Mia said, biting down on her sandwich.
‘For some at least.’
Mia actually laughed aloud at the blatant sarcasm. Melina was still the nasty evil repressive bitch she was back then, but it surprised Mia how little the woman's opinion mattered to her, considering the pain she had caused her during those early years, Mia acknowledged the milestone with a smile. She had come a long way since leaving Eranmore all those years ago and in more ways than one. She let a cruel smile cross her lips.
‘What about you, think you’ll ever get married?’ she asked, knowing Melina was single and had been so for many years.
Melina’s mouth flattened. ‘Marriage isn't everything. It's only a piece of paper, at the end of the day.’
‘Yes, but it's a nice tradition all the same. And it's nice to have someone to share a life with.’
‘I'm content with my own company, I don’t feel the need for constant companionship,’ she answered sharply.
‘Must be lonely?’
‘No.’
‘I’d be lonely,’ Mia acknowledged. ‘Is that why you got married?’
‘I married Oliver because I love him.’
‘As I said, it is only a piece of paper.’
‘To some perhaps.’
‘Well we’re just different, I suppose.’
‘You got that in one.’ Mia stared directly through her.
There was silence again. What a bizarre conversation Mia thought, but it had given her some food for thought. Melina had not changed in the slightest, she was still the bitter and twisted woman she would always be. The suddenly realisation that she no longer cared what Melina thought about her, filled Mia with a happy glow.
The conversation was over and both turned away to stare out at the passing world, lost in their own thoughts. They never spoke again after that, and Mia guessed that was how both wanted it. One thing that did seem to concern Mia though, was the way Melina had looked at her and not because it was Melina, but because she had seen that same look in Simone. What am I seeing? Anger, judgment, disapproval? I expect it from old frigid-arse over there, but why Sim? So deep in thought was she that it was only when Melina stood up and passed her by did she realize that they had finally arrived in Cork. Rising from her seat, she stepped down onto the platform, astonished to see Oliver waving to her. She could have cried she was so happy to see him standing there waiting. It was exactly what she needed to see right at that moment. But how did he know, I’d be here? She waved back, but up ahead saw Melina change her stride to slow and sexy.
‘Sad cow,’ Mia laughed. Seeing her throwing her head to the side and engage coyly with Oliver, the smile fell from Mia’s face. Shit, she’s in real flirt mode. 'Do not offer that bitch a lift Oli,' Mia muttered, as her legs picked up speed. ‘Oliver!’ she called.
‘Hi, hon,’ he said, sweeping her into his arms, kissing her tenderly on the lips.
Glancing across to Melina, Mia's eyes said it all. Sod off!
‘Thank you for the offer, Oliver, but I have my car,’ Melina purred.
‘Sure?’
‘Yes,’ she flicked her hair back again. ‘And good luck with the baby, your first isn’t it?’ she smiled at him.
‘Last count, yes,’ he replied, in jovial form.
Melina smirked at Mia and with a slight lift of her brow said her goodbyes and walked away.
‘How was the trip?’
‘It was okay, Oliver,’ Mia answered ‘Did something happen?’
‘No.’
‘I rang this morning and she said you’d decided to come home early.’
‘Did you ask why?’
‘No,’ he shrugged.
‘Tuh! Typical fella.’
‘Why would I?’
‘Doesn’t matter now anyway, thanks for meeting me, you don’t know how much I missed you.’
‘Me too,’ he smiled.
‘Oh by the way, guess what?’
‘What?’
‘Simone has a secret lover?’
‘Yeah, who?’
‘His name is Jack...nice guy, a pilot.’
‘Hmmm, was he in uniform?’
‘No.’
‘You have a thing about uniforms don’t you?’ he teased.
‘Only if Richard Gere’s wearing them.’
‘Does he look like Richard Gere?’
‘In a way, I suppose.’
‘So, I have competition now, do I?’
‘Well, I have Melina to contend with,’ Mia said accusingly. ‘She’d win hands down too,’ he laughed.
‘Oi!’ Mia cried, elbowing him. ‘How do you know her?’
‘Dated her once, nightmare of a woman.’
‘You dated...her!’
‘Long time ago now.’
‘What else haven’t you told me?’ she said, squeezing him close. ‘You’ll just have to coerce it from me.’
‘I have every intention of doing just that.’
‘My resistance will be strong,’ he toyed.
‘Nothing I can’t break,’ she hugged him close again glad to be home.
***
‘Stop giving me a hard time, Jack, will you? I already had this crap from Mia,’ Simone sighed.
‘Well it’s typical of you, Simone, isn’t it?’
‘What is?’
‘Keeping me out.’
‘I don’t keep you--’
‘No?’ he raised his voice.
‘Stop shouting, Jack, it's pissing me off,’ she muttered, turning on the kettle.
‘You still don’t get it, do you?’
‘What?’
‘Three whole years I’ve been in your life and you still keep me hidden in the background.’
‘Is this about Mia?’
‘Yes… No!’
‘Make up your mind…’
‘She knew absolutely nothing about me.' ‘She does now.’
‘By default.’
‘I can’t believe I’m getting this shit from you both. The one time I decide to keep my private life private and everyone throws a fit.’
‘I’m not everyone.’
‘For the hundredth time, Jack, it wasn’t intentional. Don’t make something out of nothing.’