Buck sat on his couch and watched the hot new game show, “Look, I'm A Patriot!” He didn't care much to watch game shows but there wasn't anything better on television. “At least life isn't a game and life isn't a show,” thought Buck, “what one hell of a shithole it would be if life was both a game and a show, what a mess that would be.”
Buck smiled and watched Look, I'm A Patriot!
* * * * * * * * * *
“I'm your hostess, Darling, here to give you a good patriotic taste of the game show life! I'm glad you could join us for Look, I'm A Patriot!, the game show where everyone is a winner! I ask the questions and if the answerer answers with, 'Darling, it doesn't matter what they say or do to trick us because, look, I'm a Patriot!' they win!”
The crowd cheers.
Darling says, “Now, I want you all to welcome our contestants, Laura, Kenneth, Glendale and Marie. Thank you all for joining us today on 'Look, I'm A Patriot!'“
The contestants smile and the crowd cheers.
Darling says, “Before we start, we'd like the contestants to introduce themselves. How about Laura, can you tell us about yourself?”
Laura says, “My name is Laura and I am a dentist and have three children, my husband is an electrician. I am from Minneapolis Minnesota. I'm happy to be here and can't wait to start playing.”
The crowd applauds.
Darling says, “Kenneth?”
Kenneth says, “I'm from Dallas Texas and work at an oil company. My wife and children are sitting front row and if you could put them on the television that would be superb.”
Darling says, “And there they are! Let's welcome Kenneth and family to Look, I'm A Patriot!”
The crowd applauds, including Kenneth's family.
Darling says, “Glendale?”
Glendale says, “Hi, it's Glendale and it’s so awesome to be on this show! I can't thank you enough. Hey mom and dad, look who’s on the television! Oh yeah, and I'm from Denver Colorado.”
The crowd cheers.
Darling says, “Marie.”
Marie says, “Yes, my name is Marie and I just graduated college. I like to go driving in my car to the beach on the weekend and I am from Tampa Bay Florida!
The crowd applauds.
Darling says, “So, let's get started, I ask a question and you answer with, 'Darling, it doesn't matter what you say or do to trick us because, look, I'm a Patriot!' Anyone not understand the rules?”
All the contestants say no.
Darling says, “Alright! Let's get on it.” She shuffles a stack of large cards in her hands then puts them on her podium. She draws the top card and says, “Laura, you can answer first.”
The crowd applauds. Laura is smiling.
Darling says, “Okay, here's the question. What are you gonna do about it when I hack your phone and find out who all your friends are, where your family is, what you say in your messages, hack your computer and watch you surf the internet, hack your television to see what you're watching, what are you going to do about it?”
Laura says, “Darling, it doesn't matter what you say or do to trick us because, look, I'm a Patriot!”
Darling says, “Yes! You are correct! You pass round one!”
The crowd cheers maniacally.
Darling says, “Alright, now for the next question.” She draws the top card on her podium and says, “Kenneth, this one is yours, are you ready?”
Kenneth nods confidently.
Darling says, “Okay, here's the question. What are you gonna do about it when you don't know I'm there and I follow you around from a distance everywhere you go, to your work, your house, the store, the mall, the theater and no matter where you go I'm going to be there watching you, waiting, and there's nothing you can do about it? What are you gonna do about that?”
Kenneth gives Darling a funny look and says, “Darling, it doesn't matter what you say or do to trick us because, look, I'm a Patriot!”
The crowd erupts into a roar.
Darling says, “Yes! You are correct! You pass round one!”
Kenneth claps and waves at the crowd who are now hysterical.
Darling says, “Alright, now for the next question.” She draws the top card once again and says, “Glendale, your next. Let's see what we got for you.”
Glendale says, “I can get this one, I can really feel the mojo.”
Darling says, “Okay, here's the question. What are you going to do when I learn a ton of information about you and rhyme facts of your life with posters I put up on walls that I know you are going to see because I know everything about you Glendale, I know everywhere you go. What are you going to do when I beat you to the grocery store and buy all the items I know you are going to buy before you get there. What are you going to do when I'm waiting outside your work with a tee shirt that says, 'what are you gonna do about this' and stand there waiting for you to see me? Huh, what are you gonna do about it?”
Glendale says, “Darling, it doesn't matter what you say or do to trick us because, look, I'm a Patriot!”
Darling says, “Yes! You are correct! You pass round one!”
The crowd is almost uncontrollable now, throwing items around.
Glendale gives them two thumbs up and says, “I know, I know. Stop it, I know.”
Darling says, “Alright, I am going to get Marie and then we'll get to round two after the commercial break.” She draws the top card off the stack on the podium. “Ready, Marie?” she says.
Marie says, “More than ready.”
Darling says, “Okay, here's the question. What are you gonna do when I spread lies about you around to all of the people you are going to see each and every day of your life? What are you going to do when you’re job searching and I call and tell your potential employers how horrible you are? Huh? What are you going to do when I prevent you from getting a job, shovel dirt on your name and piss on your shoes? What are you gonna do about it, huh, what are you gonna do about it?”
Marie closes her eyes for a second and then says, “Darling, it doesn't matter what you say or do to trick us because, look, I'm a Patriot!”
Darling says, “Yes! You are correct! You pass round one!”
The crowd has now become so unruly that it's obscene.
Marie jumps up and down with her hands in front of her face, saying, “Oh my God, I made it!”
Darling says, “And that you did.”
All the contestants clap and give the camera their best toothy smiles, finger guns, thumbs up and fake gut punches.
Darling says, “And round two is coming up right after the commercial break.”
The camera zooms out on the crowd as they applaud.
* * * * * * * * * *
Buck turned the television off and threw the remote onto the cushion next to him. He said, “I'm going to do something else.”