37 Short Stories by Fed Starving - HTML preview

 

The Nude Woman

 

 

Louie went sailing while sitting on his couch.  His feet never touched the water and his socks stayed dry.  Trailer houses were splashing out of the water like killer whales.  He was way out there in the center of the ocean.  “I knew you were okay, I knew you were okay, I knew you were okay.”  This faint voice said, echoing in the distance.

Louie shouted with his hands cupping his mouth, “What's going on?!  Can you hear me?!”  The trailer houses dove under the water and didn't return.  He could see something on the horizon.  Maybe a boat.  Maybe land.  His couch was going directly towards whatever it was.

There was a book on the cushion next to him.  He didn't want to read but there wasn't anything else for him to get on with, so he took a look at it.  It was a user's manual and blueprint book for a satellite.  This wasn't the sort of book he would want to read.  Louis threw the satellite manual into the ocean and it smacked against it like the ocean was solid.  The waves of the water pushed the book constantly and surely it looked like real water, but, the book wasn't getting wet and it sort of slid around.

Louie put his foot onto the top of the water but he couldn't press through it, it was hard and slippery like porcelain or highly shined marble.  The small waves rolled under his feet, not pushing them aside, it was like there wasn’t a current.

He tried standing and eventually let go of the couch and with a lot of trouble was able to sort of stand but the waves beneath his feet were always in motion and might as well have been made of cement.  His couch moved slowly away as he stood there.  He knew he would trip on a wave if he tried to walk and his couch was faster anyway.  He would need to jog or run to beat his couch and that idea wouldn’t last long.  He caught up with his moving couch and then sat on it once again.

He couldn't tell if the shape on the horizon was stationary or not.  If it was a boat then he would pray that it didn’t sail in another direction.  He thought he might be losing his mind.  That or he was dreaming.

“Do you hear that?” said a sweet voice on his left side.  He was sitting on the left arm of the couch.  He turned his head to see who was asking him.  It was a large three-legged starfish riding a legless table top.  Two of the starfish’s legs were recently missing as could be seen by the way the stubs weren’t grown over with skin yet.

The starfish said, “Do you hear that, sir?  That song?”

Louis said, “I don’t hear anything.”

The starfish said, “Ah, doesn't make a difference anyway, you wouldn't understand.”

Louis said, “Understand what?”

The starfish said, “To understand you must go under the waves.  You can't though because they're not wet anymore.  That's why I'm riding this table top.”

Louis said, “What is that thing out there?  Can you see it?  Getting closer and closer.”

The starfish said, “That's the castle and there's a monster inside.  That monster is the most beautiful woman that ever lived and she's a total barbarian.  She eats anything that swims around her castle, I wouldn't go there if I were you.”

Louis said, “I'm not scared of women, I was married you know.”

The starfish said, “I don't think that's going to stop her.  Last week, she ate my brother and took my legs.  I’m lucky that I have found my escape when she wasn’t paying attention.”  The starfish started crying.

Louis said, “She's human, right?”

The starfish said, “Yes, she's human.”

Louis said, “Well then, you think she would want to eat me?  I don't think so.  That's totally disgusting.”

The starfish said, “Would you eat a starfish?”

Louis said, “If I was hungry enough and there was nothing else available, I would.”

The starfish said, “Well screw you,  I don't want to talk with you anymore.”

Louis said, “Suit yourself.”

The starfish started moving the other way on the table.

Louis said, “Hey, how are you steering that thing?  Hey!”

The starfish ignored him and kept going.

Louis was at the castle before he knew it except it wasn’t a castle it was a lighthouse on fine stone blocks barely wider than the outer walls and there wasn't land connected.  He got off his couch and walked all around the circumference of the lighthouse.  No entrance.

“I see you there.” said a sweet and taunting womanly voice above him.  He looked up.  It was a nude woman.  He could see her  bare breasts and upper abdomen and knew that if she was naked up top she was probably fully nude.  The lighthouse was tall so he couldn't see much detail.

Louis said, “I can sure see you also.  Can you help me?  I don't know where I am and there isn't anywhere else that I can go.”

The nude woman said, “I don't know about that.  I must get some work done.”  She promptly disappeared out of his sight.

Louis yelled, “Hey!  Don't leave me out here!  Where are you going?!  Hey!”

The nude woman said, “I know you're there and that is probably where you need to be.”

Louis said, “You can't leave me out here like this, what are you a heartless rake?”

The nude woman said, “I need to work, I'm sorry, I can't give you a ride right now.”

Louis said, “A ride?  Do you got a boat?”

The nude woman said, “I own an air balloon.  Maybe you should try tomorrow.  I need to get this work done.”

Louis got offended and said, “Tomorrow!  Where am I going to go?  There's literally nothing around here to go to!  You can't make me wait here till tomorrow!”

The nude woman said, “I can.”

Louis said, “Well that would be cruel.  How about I help you with your work?  Then you can help me leave this place.”

The nude woman said, “You would help me with my work?  You promise me?”

Louis said, “Yes.  I give you my word.”

The nude woman showed herself, smiling.

Louis laughed, happy to see her once again, waving his arms around.

She tossed something at him.  It landed on the water behind him.  He rushed at the item and took it quick off the water.  It was a key attached to a keychain.  A plastic tag on the keychain was in the shape of a garden gnome, and an address printed in blue letters on it, saying, “Sally & Austin's Suits.”  Louis looked up and the nude woman was there.

Louis said, “What in the world would I need this for?  There ain't no door out here.”

The nude woman said, “You didn't see the door?  Maybe you should look once again.”

Louis said, “Really?  I walked around this thing already, there ain't a door out here.”

The nude woman said, “There is a door, you didn't look hard enough.”

Louis said, “Okay, alright, I am going to walk around this lighthouse once again.  Promise you ain't going to disappear and leave me out here all alone?”

The nude woman said, “Yes, I promise.”

Louis said, “Alright, here I go, lookin' for the door that isn't there.”

He went along the skinny perimeter of the lighthouse in the opposite direction of his first circling of it and the nude woman was right, there was a keyhole.  There wasn't an obvious door there.  The outline of the door was barely visible with a space thinner than paper.  He inserted the key into the hole and turned it.  The stones of the wall moved in towards the center of the lighthouse, allowing him to enter.  He removed the key and the door moved into a closed position once again.

The inside of the lighthouse was hollow with a metal staircase that went in a circle around the inner wall to the top where the nude woman was.  On ground level there was a fireplace, a couch, a nice rug, a bed and all sorts of household goods.  Electric lights were mounted all the way to the top of the lighthouse so the inside was completely lit.

The nude woman called him to join her, she said, “Come on up, I'm halfway done with my work.”

Louis said, “Alright, I'm on my way!”  He slowly walked up the stairs, each stair rang and resonated with the lighthouse.  When he reached the top the ringing sound of the stairs was frying his nerves.

The nude woman was sitting on a chair at a picnic table with a table umbrella over it, there was a second empty chair across the table.  On the table was a revolver right inside her reach.  She was stitching some clothing together and she was butt naked with a large part of the material lain across her lap.  Her hair reached her elbows and she was perfect like the starfish promised.

The nude woman said, “See that revolver right there?  If you try touching me I am going to shoot you.”

Louis said, “Yes, ma'am.  What are you making?”

The nude woman said, “I am making a starfish bikini because I don't have any clothes.  You can sit on the other chair if you'd like.”

Louis said, “Alright.”  and then went to the other chair, sitting.

The nude woman said, “You know how to stitch?  I already measured and cut the pieces.  If you could stitch this bikini bottom together I would like the help very much.”

Louis said, “I can stitch, done it before.”

The nude woman tossed the starfish skin to him with a needle and thread.  He started sewing the crude clothing together like she wanted.

Louis said, “I don't know where I am, can you tell me?”

The nude woman said, “Wouldn't you like to know my name first?”

Louis said, “Alright, what is your name?”

The nude woman said, “The nude woman.”

Louis said, “Yeah right, funny.  And I'm the lost sailor.”

The nude woman said, “At this time onward the reader is going to know you with that name, the lost sailor.”

Louis said, “I was lying, I'm not a sailor, how about if the reader sees my name is something else, something that gives new life to this story.  Nude woman, you decide what the reader should see.”

The nude woman said, “What about 'the lucky man'?  You sure were lucky that you found me here, there isn't a single step of land in a hundred miles, you could have died out there.”

The lucky man said, “Alright, the lucky man it is.  Here you go nude woman, I finished your cloth, now you can wear it.”

The nude woman said, “I also finished.  Now I can wear some clothes.”  She got out of her chair and put the starfish bikini on.  She said, “Lucky man, how does this look?”

The lucky man said, “Sexy.  Anything you wear has got to be beautiful.”

The nude woman said, “What a nice compliment.”  and then took the revolver into her hand.  She said, “Now, about that balloon.”

 

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They were now in the hot air balloon, drifting along at a leisurely meter, the nude woman who wasn't nude anymore leaned facing inward with the revolver in her hand so that she could watch the lucky man carefully.

The climb to this altitude was gradual.  The ocean was endless as they climbed and the lighthouse became a smudge on a blue canvas.

The lucky man said, “So, nude woman, how far is the nearest land?”

The nude woman said, “I don't know, a hundred miles.  We're moving at a fine speed so there's a chance that we should see land before sunset.”

The lucky man said, “How long were you stranded at the lighthouse?”

The nude woman said, “Ten thousand years.”

The lucky man said, “You sure lie a lot.”

The nude woman said, “Doesn't make a difference anyway, you know what time is like on the ocean.”

Right then a flying disc came shooting through the clouds at incredible speed and made a precise stop right next to them.  A window opened on the disc and there was a space alien inside.  The space alien said, “Sir and ma'am, if you see anything don't hesitate when you feel the need.”

The lucky man said, “The need of what?”

The space alien said, “The need of your freedom that you so choose whatever that could be.”

The lucky man said, “You don't make much sense.  We are in deep need of finding land and returning to civilization.  What would you suggest to quicken this goal?”

The space alien said, “I don't know, how about this.  I help you find land and you help me beat my enemy, the reptilians.  I can make space in my disc but you'll have to help me remove my captive, a particularly fierce reptilian.  I cannot lift him myself.  Deal?”

The lucky man and the nude woman both said, “Deal.”

The space alien was pleased.  He said, “Alright, let us dock our ships together.”

Once docked and firmly tied together the lucky man boarded the alien disc.  He said, “What a fascinating craft.  You own this yourself or is this a rental?”

The space alien said, “I own this craft.  Now there, you see the reptilian?  I sedated him with the most painful anesthetics known to the galaxy and paralyzed him.  I haven't the strength to dump him.  I was going to dump him into the ocean, but I thought it funnier to dump him in this balloon.  Can you get his feet while I get his upper half?”

The lucky man went to the reptilians feet and lifted him.  The reptilian was wearing a red suit with a can clenched in his paralyzed hand.  The lucky man said, “Are you sure he isn't dead?  He's stiff and cold.”

The space alien said, “The reptilians are naturally stiff and cold, they couldn't stretch for their lives if they wanted to.  They are also cold blooded and depend on external heat to get them going or else they're pretty much sitting ducks.”

The lucky man and the space alien slowly and carefully moved the paralyzed reptilian to the hot air balloon.  This reptilian was very tall and somewhat thin on human standards.  His face was hideous and his eyes were wide apart enough that they almost were on the sides of his head.  His mouth was very wide, almost reaching the neck.  His skin was shiny like melted plastic but soft like silk.

The nude woman was shocked when she saw first sight of the reptilian, saying, “My, what a horrid monster!”

The lucky man said, “He's cold and ugly and really, I'd like to dump him in the ocean.”

The space alien and the lucky man successfully deposited the reptilian into the hot air balloon and once all three of them were inside his disc they undocked the two craft and the space alien shut the hatch.

The nude woman said, “Wow, what an awesome machine.  Where can you find such a thing?”

The space alien said, “Well, you know.  The answer to that is really deep and starts before I even knew what a planet was.  The story is elaborate and I would rather not go into much detail.  I'm not all that interested with bringing much of this into our discussion either.  You would think that I should say something about this machine but since the reader isn't allowed to know those sort of secrets I must keep my mouth closed about it with you because it sends a message to those people.”

The nude woman said, “Oh really?  What if I told you that I have power over the writer simply because I'm a nude woman and if you wanted something I could make him create it for us out of nothing, being that he has total power over us?  If it were possible that I could grant you a wish, space alien, would you tell us those secrets then?”

The space alien said, “I'm not a rotten dummy, okay.  Now that reptilian, he was a rotten dummy.  You see this equipment here, lady, what you see here is the end result of a very long and endless triathlon.  Thousands of years of ingenuity and research.  I can't give that all away in the wink of an eye because some alien broad in a bikini says she can grant me unlimited wishes.  I don't care what you say, you can't make me tell you anything about this machine.”

The nude woman said, “You asked for it, alien.  Writer!  Turn the alien into a purse for me.”  She crossed her arms and all the sudden her bikini disappeared.

The space alien started laughing, now wearing her bikini.

“Oh my God!”  said the nude woman, “Not again!  Here give me my clothes Mr., I am not going all day nude, already did that.”

The space alien laughed and said, “I don’t know, I kinda like them.”

The nude woman got furious, saying, “You must give me my bikini now you atrocious fiend!”

The space alien took her bikini off and gave it to her.  She immediately put her bikini on once again.  The space alien said, “You know what they say about testing the limits and powers of the ones that made you.”

The nude woman said, “I suppose you're right, I apologize.”

The lucky man said, “Where you planning to take us, space alien?”

The space alien said, “Wherever you want.  I can reach all surface locations on Earth in less than ten minutes.  This disc is quick.”

The nude woman said, “Oh shoot, I left my revolver on the hot air balloon.”

The space alien said, “We cannot retrieve your revolver, the reptilian is surely awake now, look out the window and see.”

The nude woman and lucky man both stared out the window, seeing the reptile stomping furiously in circles.  The nude woman said, “For an advanced intelligence he doesn't seem to act all that advanced.”

The space alien said, “Reptilians are very dumb.  Although reptilians are dumb they are very difficult to fight in war.  This reptilian was smart and he entered my craft.  I neutralized him and then saw you in the hot air balloon.  Where would you like to go?”

The lucky man said, “Nude woman, where are you from?”

The nude woman said, “My house location is secret but you can drop me off on a beach in America.  That's all I want, a beach in America.  A hot beach.”

The lucky man said, “You can let me out where you let her out.  You don't mind, nude woman, if I join you on a beach?”

The nude woman said, “We should stay in contact when this ends.  I think that's a great idea.”

The space alien said, “Alright, I can take you somewhere I like to go when the beach is empty.  Give me three minutes.”

The craft went moving at ultra high speed, flying into space and then bowing around the planet to an American beach location of the space alien's choice.  They didn't feel a single bit of turbulence and arrived at their destination in record time.  At least record time in the human's opinion.

The space alien landed on a beach crowded with swimmers and opened the hatch, letting the nude woman and lucky man out.

He waved and smiled as they walked away and they looked over their shoulders, holding hands, waving and smiling in return.  It was a moment they would never forget.  When the space craft left, as quick as it arrived, the lucky man said, “I'm glad I found you.  This story is so awesome, I'm glad I'm in it.”

The nude woman said, “Where did all the casual beach  visitors go?”

The lucky man said, “Scared off with the sight of space aliens.  What a bunch of scaredy cats.  The sea boats are there.  There's a few of them right there.”

The nude woman said, “I wonder what time it is?”

The lucky man said, “10:12am, I am wearing augmented contact lenses that are connected to the internet.  They weren't in operation at the lighthouse but as soon as we landed on this beach they reactivated.”

The nude woman said, “You got your wallet?  Can you buy me some clothes?  People are going to stare at me wearing this starfish bikini, it doesn't even fit right.”

The lucky man laughed and said, “Sure thing.  We are going to enter whatever clothes store we see first, no matter the price, and then later we can shop somewhere else and you can hand-pick something closer to your personal tastes.”

They made it off the beach and there were people once again, people that didn't see them climb out of a space craft on the beach.  They quickly located a clothing store selling tourist clothes and the nude woman got fully clothed. (But her name was still the nude woman.)

The nude woman hugged the lucky man and said, “We should go and get a drink.”

The lucky man squeezed her back and said, “Yeah.  You gotta promise me something first before we continue.”

The nude woman said, “What's that?”

The lucky man said, “You gotta promise me that you aren't going to let them tell us what words we can and cannot use.  If you want to wave at me you can go ahead and wave.  I won't be offended.  You could wave all you want all the time if you wanted, no matter how much you wave at me I won't get angry, you see, because I am attracted to you and waving doesn't bother me.  You say clothes, you can say the word taste, you say whatever you want because I am not with a mental handicap that reduces my vocabulary.  You got that, nude woman?”

The nude woman said, “Yes.  I fully understand.  I used to know people who hated all of those things.  They used to threaten me for waving and saying the word clothes like if I said that word they were going to murder me.  I am so happy I don't know those people anymore.  I won't be damned for liking the way something tastes and enjoying flavors.  Sounds to me like a rabbit hole.  Keep those retards away from me.  They're a bunch of brain dead linguists, right?”

The lucky man said, “You should see my friends, they don't pull no punches about this.  Where I'm from there's a huge community of these people who hate the words clothes, tastes and notes.  They secretly murder people that use these words and oh my God they hate the word socks more than anything, in fact, most of them don't wear socks.  What a buncha nuts.  My friends, they're state-of-the-art and used all the words this cult of linguists hate, they used this long list and you wouldn't believe the anger my friends elicited out of those whackos.  What a buncha puds.”

The nude woman said, “Well, at least we believe in freedom.  We should get bonnets to commemorate this.”

Lucky man said, “Whatever you say, honey, I'm with you.”

The nude woman said, “When are we going to get new names, you know, real names?

The lucky man said, “I don't know.  I like calling you nude woman.  It's the writer's decision.”

The nude woman said, “How can we ask the writer to give us real names?”

The lucky man said, “That's a really good question and I am not ready to answer that.”

The nude woman said, “I'm glad the space alien took us to the Bahamas.  I really like this place.”

The lucky man said, “Me too.”

They were strolling through the tourist shops.  One of the shops displayed a huge preserved sea snake that was over 30 feet long.  They made a stop there and looked at it.  The snake's head was positioned so that it was biting onto an action figure in a cape.  The caption on a card said, “April Clothes sale.” 

The lucky man said, “Would you like to eat a lobster dinner?  I bet the lobster is great here in the Bahamas.”

The nude woman said, “Why not eat lobster right now?  The door is right there.”

The lucky man said, “Alright, let's go in there.”

When they entered the restaurant the nude woman said, “Wait, look, a line.”

The lucky man said, “So, it's a line.  We can wait.  The hostess can tell us when we can cross the line.”

The nude woman said, “Look at the sign.  It says 'Secret password required, lying prohibited.”

The lucky man said, “I don't believe them.  Who needs a password to eat a lobster?”

The nude woman said, “All I see is a buzzing portal into another dimension.  A vibrating pool of liquid plasma fizzes near the center of the portal.  Each time the portal is touched it momentarily warps and feels like invisible flexiglass.  The air sounds damp with deafness.  Like water in your ears, the pressure of a higher density.  You feel like you are made of rubber and bending.”

The lucky man said, “What are you on?”

The nude woman said, “The same thing you're on.”

The lucky man said, “I'm on something?”

The nude woman said, “You'd have to be on something to go sailing on a couch.”

The lucky man said, “Well I didn't go sailing on a couch as a matter of choice, it happened in a way that I couldn't control.  It's not my fault, I was placed there in that way.”

The nude woman said, “Yeah, like the way I was placed at a lighthouse without clothes.”

The lucky man said, “At least it was in a warm climate, you could've been placed on a ski mountain nude and with some strange man that speaks Greek.  At least that didn't happen.”

The nude woman said, “We might not be able to unpuzzle this mystery on our own but with us together we might have a chance.”

The lucky man said, “Let's leave, we can eat a lobster later.”

They left the restaurant and the midnoon sun was blazing.

The nude woman said, “I can't wait to show you my place.  There's a lot of very interesting things in that house attic that the previous owners left behind.  There's boxes and boxes of things you would never dream of getting in your hands.  Things nobody is searching for until you show them.  They'd look all their lives and not find those items but yet there they are, in my attic, waiting for eternity to end.  It's really interesting and you might not think it that interesting the way I talk about it but believe me, it’s awesome.”

The lucky man said, “I believe you baby.”

The nude woman said, “Where are we going.”

The lucky man said, “I don't know and I don't care, I'm just waiting till this story ends.  You think the writer is going to end this story?”

The nude woman said, “The writer can't end the story like this, there needs to be some sort of grand and awe inspiring end.  Like what if we kiss, you think the story would end if we kissed?”

The lucky man said, “We should kiss and find out.”
The nude woman and the lucky man kissed passionately.

 

THE END