They finally met. Mayank had to postpone his proposed encounter with her earlier. Sunday was
usually a working day for him and he narrated all past event chain to her to explain why he was
free even on Sunday and had suddenly landed at her flat to be with her. He was expecting some
trouble but not what came his way.
“This is not fair...you cheated me…”, she said smiling. “I had planned to leave my job this
month and you grabbed the joy for yourself first. Selfishness…utter opportunism!”
He smiled and asked, “Why would you quit?”
“You remember, once you had told me something about non-violence. You had said that nonviolence
essentially had to be ingrained in thought and violence of action would automatically
get checked.”
“Yes, you are right. Violence of action is only a miniscule proportion of the overall human
violence as violence of thought fills up the major part. That is why I said, violence should be
checked in its inception itself and non-violence of thought does it quite well.”
“Exactly...and then you had added that the best way to ensure non- violence of thought is to be
physically out of the place and environment where you feel your true personality is not at peace.”
Yes, I had said that but if you are strong enough, you do not need to be physically out; just
moving mentally away from the place can do.”
“I have in mind the same thing and so, I want to quit.”
“Is there no way out?”
“Does not look like...you know; stupidity is a highly contagious disease and there is only
prevention, no cure for it. Keep safe and sufficient distance from stupid is the only way out to
avoid being inflicted with the dreaded disease called stupidity.”
“But you also have to be sure there is a real threat of the disease lurking on the head. Most of the
times, there is a panic reaction and that makes even an innocuous threat look bigger. Usually,
primary stage stupidity, like most communicable diseases can be quarantined to prevent its
spread.”
“May be; but I also had something more important in my mind.”
“And what is that?”
“I will tell you later. Let us not talk about it. Mine would happen but yours has already
happened. What made you quit?”
“We have the whole of evening and night; I will tell you everything but not right now.”
“Then let us sleep together”, she exclaimed in joy, reverting to her usua l baby-disposition,
wrapping her around him.
“Nobody is sleeping tonight”, he said in serious tone. “We have things to talk.”
“But I want to sleep with you”, she complained like a kid.
“I make coffee for you; it will douse your sleep.”
“I don?t want coffee...I want you”, she said sulking.
He gave her a resolute look; pulled her close, made her ride his back and entered the kitchen to
make coffee. She remained tightly tied to his back all the while he made coffee and acted as if
she was fast asleep. He softly dumped her on the sofa and placed the cups on the table in front.
She continued to feign sleep as he sipped his coffee alone.
“Once upon a time, there was a king”, Mayank said without looking at her as she continued to
remain motionless on the sofa. “The king had only a daughter and she was famous for her beauty
in all neighborhood kingdoms. The young princess was not only beautiful but also a very goodhearted
lady whom everyone loved. Once, she was in the royal orchards playing with flowers,
birds and small animals who all enjoyed her company. The day progressed and when she slept on
the grass-bed under a tree, she could not remember. Incidentally, the devil of the jungle passed
by her and out of jealousy, he decided to play a trick with her. He stole the expression of the
princess. She returned to the palace with an expressionless face and mannerisms. She looked like
a statue. She did not smile, showed no emotions and did everything quite mechanically. The king
got to know of the developments and called the doctors. Later, magicians, tricksters, clowns,
saints and every type of experts were called but nobody could help. The panicky king tried to
marry her off expecting some change after marriage but all the princes who came after getting
the invitation refused to marry her. Nobody wanted a wife who was literally a statue. The king
was sad and the entire kingdom was doomed.”
He paused for a while as he realized that she had shuffled her position on the sofa. He continued,
“One day, a tantric came to the palace seeking alms. He asked the king what was wrong as the
king looked in poor health. The king narrated his woes. The tantric urged the king to take him to
the royal orchard. The tantric immediately understood what had happened and he used his power
to invoke the devil of the woods. The devil appeared and the king fell on his feet imploring him
to forgive his daughter. The devil relented but put a condition. He said he would take back his
curse and the princess would come back to her normal self but in return he would take away
something from her. The king happily asked what he would like to take away as he was ready to
even give him the entire kingdom for her daughter?s smile. The devil said he would take away
her beauty and give back her expressions. The king was shocked. He was very proud of her
daughter?s beauty and could not imagine how she would react if her beauty is taken away. The
devil was adamant and the king was very unsure what he should do. The devil gave the king a
day?s time to decide and disappeared. The devil also warned the king that if he shared what had
happened there with anyone else, he would be dead.”
She had opened her eyes and had started sipping coffee, listening carefully what he was saying.
She looked anxious and quite interested in the story.
“So, what the king decided? What happened to the princess?”
Mayank did not reply. He picked up the empty cups and took them to the kitchen. She followed
him there. Mayank washed the cups silently, put them in place and entered the bed room while
she followed him. He stretched himself on the bed facing her. She waited for him to resume the
story but he kept quite.
After a while, she moved out of the room, checked the main door to ensure it was properly
locked, put off lights of all the rooms. It was already dark outside. She switched off her mobile
phone and sneaked into the bathroom.
He felt overwhelmed by a sudden touch of silk and sandal. She was on top of him; her body still
moist and cool. Drops of fragrant water from her wet hair lashed his face as she kissed him softly
on the lips.
“Sorry”, she kept her lips locked with him and said.
It was dark. Her long black tresses covering his face anyway made him blind to any reality
outside! ….Love and total intimacy is so complete, so absolute. When love comes your way, you
do not want more of it; you just want the infinity of it. Love is so fulfilling, so perfect that you
cannot want more of it...there cannot be more of it as love does not come in half measures. You
do not even want to be a lover; you just desire that you become love itself, dissolve your being
into it to become it and not do it. A strange idea revisited him whenever he realized he ceased to
be a lover and become love itself. He wished to die the moment he turned the love. He did not
want an identity other than love and wished he died that moment so that he could enter the
eternity of love. Only love made death beautiful and acceptable…. The darkness was perfect. His
identity, her personality and the sorry were all dissolved into the darkness. The whole universe,
the realism and the being-ness, all melted into love.
She showered a hundred kisses on him. The weight of the mass of physicality of intimacy
brought back the connect with the actual world to him. He for a moment thought, „love is so
consummate and ultimate; does it leave any space for anything more? Why does he want to add
more to it? Why he insists to make personality changes in her? Why would he risk giving shape
to the formlessness of love? Will he be able to control the eventuality?
What if he actually loses
love in an attempt to make it more meaningful?? That?s why he was there; to find answers.
He kissed her back, hugged her tightly till she let out a sigh. He was sure, if he had to make her
listen to what he had decided to tell her, he had to do it with overdose of intimacy. She needed to
be highly emotionally secure if he wanted her to accept changes in her. She felt the confidence
after a while and repeated her question:
“Won?t you tell me what the king decided about the princess and what happened to her finally?”
“The story has no specific end. It is just a possibility; like life. What the king will choose the
princess? fate would depend on and the story will end that way. And this is life; the predicament,
the conflict and the discretion. Anyone can be in the king?s place. And there can be people like
the princess; none of her fault but she had to be at the center of all tribulations of life.”
“But the king should know what is best for the princess; after all he is a father and a king too. On
his prudence and right discretion depends the fortunes of millions of citizens of his kingdom! If
fathers ain?t good enough to protect the best interests of their daughters, it is truly tragic.”
“You should consider the fact that all good people may not take all right decisions. An important
decision is usually taken after consultations and the kings are used to it.
But the devil has
forbidden him to share his trouble to anyone. He only has the tantric to consult.”
“Oh yes...I really forgot that. So what the tantric thought was the right thing to do?”
“What you think is the right thing to do?”
“Why me? This is not fair! It is your story; you should know better.”
“Forget the story. If you have to choose for yourself, what you would want; the beauty or the
expressions?”
She kept quiet for a minute and said smiling, “Why should I decide? It is for you to decide. I will
love you whatever and however I am. You decide which way you would want me and still love
me.”
He could not resist a smile. He knew she would throw the onus on him. And what she said was
also true. She only understood love and intimacy. All other realities were entrusted to him.
“Can I decide for you, should I”, he said in a low solemn voice, gently laying her beside him b ut
continuing her in his soft embrace. “It?s something that primarily affects you and your entire life.
And you will be deeply influenced by it. Things at stake are not trifle.
The beauty is not only for
mirror, it is for you first and then for the entire world. And expressions...it is as important as
breathing.”
“You are right there but why should only girls be troubled with all things in life. You said the
princess was also very good hearted and she did nothing wrong to deserve this punishment from
the devil. She was actually in deep slumber when her world came crashing on her feet and she
could not even realize why. Did she deserve to face all these troubles?”
“That is why I told you earlier; this is life; full of uncertainties, some time golden but often
black. Then; you should also consider carefully the details of the story.
The girl in question is a
princess and she also happens to be phenomenally beautiful; three best endowments of life –
wealth & comfort, authority & status and beauty & fame. And why do you think there is a devil
in this world. The devil is out there to level out things; set off a balance of sorts. This world has
love, intimacy, care, compassion etc as golden uncertainties and in the same space jealousy,
anger, pride, selfishness etc as black certainties also exist. One human body possesses them all
simultaneously. Well; this is a story and that?s why for convenience and brevity, the devil has
been personified as some outside entity but usually, it is the devil inside that starts the trouble.
And as you said, even if you do not make a mistake, the devil inside you creates such
environment that a harm looks like an external creation. The devil in the story is just a symbol.
May be, the princess had taken undue pride of her possessions, anybody can; such enormous
were the possessions and may be over a period had turned herself away from the world outside.
Probably, her pride made her loose contact with people and she ultimately lost her expressions.
May be; the many princes, who came to see her after the king invited them to marry her, had
earlier felt insulted by her behavior of exclusivity and when they saw her in such trouble, they
felt great joy in refusing her.”
She did not say a word. Looked at him for a while; her lips quivered as if she wished to say
something. Tears lined up on the margins of her eyes. He could not see it in the darkness and
realized that she was in tears only when the first drop fell on his cheek.
“Oh god…! Why should you weep? What happened?”
She did not reply and gently freeing herself from his embrace went inside the bathroom. He
smiled, as if he knew it was coming. He took the opportunity, went to the kitchen to get some
food for her. He had brought some cheese sandwiches which he had himself made at home as she
liked them. He warmed them in the microwave oven and came back to the bedroom to find her
sitting on the bed.
He did not light the room. He sat beside her. Made her eat with his hands but she would not eat.
He knew what it took to make her happy. He placed a pillow on her lap and rested his head on it,
stretching on the bed. He kept the plate of sandwiches on his chest. He could see her face even in
the darkness. He could read the thoughts that were marking their impression on her face.
“Darkness is so good. It makes both beauty and expressions redundant. In the darkness, all issues
of life lose their existence; no questions and so no answers. I am in your lap but even then I
cannot see either your beauty or your expressions. But still, I am the happiest man in the world
now as I love you and I do not need to see it; I feel love and want to continue with the feeling
alone. And, they say love is blind; darkness anyway. So, do I want beauty or expressions?”
That was enough! She picked up a sandwich and took a bite. She munched it a bit and then as
was usual with her, she joined her lips with him and put the whole morsel in his mouth. In their
relationship, they had created an alternative language which alone could communicate the
highest and purest forms of emotions, affection and care. This was the language of intimacy.
This was the language powered by vibes and it could not be faked. When he would hug her close
and the two bodies melted to lose both their physical and mental identities, dishonesty and
hypocrisy were squeezed out. The lips locked together would immediately know any miniscule
element of fakeness. The body knows the last truth. The baby stops crying as the mother
suffocates all doubts by hugging him close to her bosoms. This language takes off where the
humanly created words fail to communicate.
“Won?t you want to know what the king finally decided”, he said as they finished sandwich.
“No...but I want to know what you wanted to talk about. I am a silly girl and you know that well.
I felt bad as I thought you were not telling me straight forward, something you wanted to. It?s not
your fault however. You had told me that you wanted to talk but my stupidity made you do it.
But I had said sorry to you.”
“Yeah...it stretched a bit too far. It was not intended. Sorry.”
“Remember, you yourself say, „lovers should not speak, love should?, she said innocently.
He wished to say to her that it was his love for her that was prompting him to speak but he chose
not to say. He needed to guide her to a condition where it would be easy for her to listen what he
had in his mind. Speaking is a waste until there is complete desire to listen. Intimacy makes one
receptive. It creates a trust that is a must for right reception of what is said.
“Okay, let the love speak...and how would that be?”
“That?s what I?ve been telling you...”, she was back to her guiltless best.
“Let us sleep together...
my lips and your lips will say hello hi to each other...our eyes will say something something to
one another… our hearts will meet and pick up a chat...our tummies will kiss each other and
discuss recipes...our legs will cross and talk about the journeys ahead...and...”
“And what…?”
“What...! It?s their choice...”, a tweak of her impish tongue was palpable.
“What love will do to
us how can I say...love is unfettered...when love speaks, how long and how far it will go how can
I know...!”
“Okay...no problems...and when will we talk?”
“Naturally, when love will finish its talk…! And who knows, there may not be then any need of
we talking.”
He understood well there was no scope for words. He resigned to her desires. The darkness that
she had opted had a light leading them to a definite end. He could see the end but was not sure of
the journey ahead after they both reached there. He had realized that there was a clear gender
divide on approaching things. Intimate and meaningful communication would give him a definite
high. He would go an extra mile in reaching out solutions. He would discuss issues, analyze all
possible aspects and lay out the reason and logic for to be or not to be questions. His satisfaction
doubled at the sense of success of a communication enterprise even when it did not yield desired
results. For her, immaculate sense of well-being was the only worthy enterprise and an explicit
overdose of intimacy was the best prescription. Men would be at their best when faced with a
challenge and women would be when love and intimacy abound. It is truly tragic that men?s
enterprises would often lead to situations which would destruct the sense of well-being of their
women.
He for sure did not want to disturb her intimacy quotient but he had his doubts. His woman was
perfect for this stage of their intimacy but he was always very unsure whether she would
understand that everything in this world changes as part of a certain evolution mechanism. She
would be required to evolve herself, her love and her sense of intimacy as they would grow
together in time and space. He wanted a talk. He wished to acquaint her with the challenges that
he could see ahead in their relationship. He never was really prepared to lose even a tiny bit of
the fragrance and sweetness of their relationship even ten twenty years down the line. He had
seen most of the couples just dragging their relationship. Most stuck to it as parting ways was
inconvenient proposition. He would admit he was scared. He felt a happy and meaningful
relationship; especially husband-wife was a huge enterprise. Nothing in it should be taken for
granted. It needed immense and daily physical as well as mental investment, very cautious
emotional nurturing and great intuition to keep the relationship fresh and tender.
Man and woman together can create a universe of joys. He had little doubt that the two were
designed and had evolved in such a way that together, the complementary energies of man and
woman had all that was required to be in infinite state of ecstasy. When the energies of intimacy
and love would either lose their purity or would fizzle out, matter would start filling up the
empty spaces between man and woman. The pelf, the position the pronouncements of material
well-being are all just the subterfuge of intimacy. In his journalistic career, he had closely
witnessed the lives of big and mighty of the society. A journalist often has information and
knowledge which are not printable but they give him a deep insight into the minds of people high
and low. Mighty and iconic politicians, corporate colossus, spiritual gurus, media barons, film
stars ruling million hearts...he had seen them all from close quarters. He firmly believed; all
enterprises of men in their purest form were exercises towards attaining intimacies. It is a great
humor of life that men actually believe that more they attain material accomplishments of life;
better eligible they are for larger intimacies. It is enormous tragedy that men waste the best of
their abilities and creativity in amassing material success to buy intimacies; which essentially
comes naturally and free of material cost. And, if endowments of intimacies come at a cost, they
are not true ones; unfit for an enterprise worth a salt.
Yes...many successful men would boast of savoring the taste of selective and delectable recipes
of beautiful intimacies. Being in media, he would be bored by the favorite time pass of his
colleagues discussing with lots of masala the intimate lives and antics of politicians, bureaucrats
and even their own bosses. He remained least interested as this he considered as nothing
compared to the harems of the mighty of the past and even present. The harems are actually
living proof of one of the greatest travesties of men?s world. The mighty man picked up horses
from far off places; of great breeds and pedigrees. His royal stable symbolized his power but the
horses actually fought magnificent battles and many died while saving lives of their masters.
They also raised large harems and exceptionally beautiful women from all over the places would
be forcibly housed in them. They also symbolized the power of the king but unlike horses, the
women in the harems did not perform the roles they were naturally endowed with. The kings
would posses and relish the volume and mass of intimacy but not the energy and fragrance of
intimacy. The mighty consumed excess of the body of intimacy but not a bit of its soul. And
that?s why; he was never satisfied with the size of his harem. He would add more women and
lose more pride. The men would go to lots of women to find something that a woman is enough
to give but would never get that one woman. The harem is the mortuary of intimacies but the
mighty would not admit it. He knew it quite well that most men have the ultimate dream to be
like a king and possess such a harem. The common man keeps his harem in his heart; the
successful and mighty get the chance to descend it from their hearts to their chosen bed. Only a
few mighty men fail the chance.
He remained on the bed and his mind was racing up with thoughts. He understood it well that he
was not in tandem with the beauty of the time in present but was messed up with a time that was
yet to come. He even tried to stop being apprehensive and drift along the present which was so
blissful but his mind would not partner with him. But he did not know; he was making a cardinal
mistake. He was seeing reality from his own viewpoint and taking that of her as granted. She had
equal stakes in his reality and what she had in her mind, what she had kept in abeyance to shock
him, he could not even have an inkling of. She was in the kitchen readying dinner before she said
„love would start speaking?. He waited on the bed. Time waited too; so did his destiny.
All beautiful and important attainments of life happen in a semi-conscious state of mind. The
mind cannot recall them in vivid details. There would be just a ghost feeling...one would
remember he or she was there when that happened to him or her but what exactly happened, the
mind does not register it. The ultimate in love and intimacy happens in semi-conscious state of
mind. God happens in semi-conscious state. Life happens and death happens in the same state of
mind. Bodies are needed for the initiation but the attainment comes with bodies becoming
redundant. Hands are needed for prayers to start but when godliness happens, prayer withers
away. Bodies set up sex but orgasm ensures; the mass of flesh melts into energy.
He tried in vain to relive the moments that he had with her an hour back but all he could recollect
was a feeling that he was there. He still lived the profoundness of the bliss of togetherness but
could not recall in vivid details what had happened. She had fixed the dinner and gone to the
bathroom; that he had seen. She had called him from there wanting some help. The door of
bathroom was ajar but still he had asked her if he could come in. She had asked him in. The light
was not on but it was not completely dark. Some feeble radiance from outside light made him see
things. She was sitting beneath the shower, on the floor. After few seconds, when his eyes got
adjusted to the dim light, he could see more than the outlines of her body.
He could see
clearly…. he shedding lots of the weight of unnecessary carriages of his personality; his male
ego, his self doubts...and his natural awkwardness with his own body. He could see entirely new
dimensions….
He had realized quite early in his life that the one single fact of life which presents itself to all
humans as greatest enemy and which every human has to befriend is not greed, not ego, not pride
but fear. He had read the religious scriptures and had realized that all rational men and men of
genius sought only one thing from God. They called the almighty – bhav bhay niwarak –
solution provider to the fears of the world and prayed him to make humans understand fear and
make fear his best friend. He accepted this as a certain sign of inferior intellige