CHAPTER NINE
I joined a gay dating web site for the first time a few days later. It took awhile to sort out my profile details, get some face pictures online and enough confidence to start chatting openly to people about being gay. It took me about a week to meet up with someone. There was a lot flirting between us online and I just went with the flow. We had a few drinks at a gay bar and he invited me back to his.
I told my family I was going out with Diane. We had stayed in touch but not met up since I had walked out of the job. She was still working there but I asked her not to talk about work and she understood the reasons why. She's got a new boyfriend now which was nice to hear about. She seemed happy with her life.
We were soon in the bloke's bedroom and he was ripping my clothes off. I showed no resistance as we got naked and started kissing me all over. He seemed to be quite experienced and knew what what he doing; I didn't have a clue. I went in there thinking I'm a guy as well so surely I would know what to do; but I was like a rabbit in a set of headlights.
I couldn't help but think about being a twenty-one year old virgin. I wondered what the average age is that guys, especially gay ones, lose their virginity. If I was a betting man, I would say I'm a good few years above the average.
“What are you into?” the guy asked me, taking a break from chewing my face off.
I didn't really know but I tried to sound confident. “Oh, the usual stuff.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean like kissing and sex, you know?”
“That isn't very specific,” he said, sounding a bit annoyed. “Are you a top or a bottom? Are you into vanilla stuff or the more extreme stuff?”
I didn't know what he meant. “Either,” I said cautiously.
“Well, I'm active,” he insisted.
He might as well have been speaking French. This conversation was completely lost in translation.
“I only top. Is that OK with you?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Excellent,”
I must be saying something right.
He continued “I'm into all sorts. I'll tell you all about them later. Anyway, enough with all this foreplay stuff. Do you want me to fuck your brains out?”
I paused to think about it for about a millisecond. “Go for it!” I suggested.
I just laid back thinking 'finally'.
It was a nice experience. It felt a bit weird but finally I understood why people raved about it. But it was emotionless. It was just sex. He didn't care about me. I didn't about him. That's not how I imagined my first time would be.
I thought sex was about love. It's a way of being as close as possible with someone you love and giving each physical pleasure. Tom popped into my head several times that night. I couldn't help but imagine how it would have been one hundred billion times better with someone I fancy the pants off and am in love with.
Over the next month or so, I chatted to several guys online and met up with some of them. I'm still single and not in a rush to start a relationship. I'm enjoying chatting and meeting up and have had sex a few times now. I'm getting more and more comfortable during sex and in my own skin in general. I'm starting to feel content in being gay for the first time in my life and I'm able to talk positively about my self and flirt with blokes. Chatting to people online has boosted my confidence. I try to avoid guys who are in relationships or still in the closet. I don't want to get wrapped up in anything complicated any more. I've had a lifetime of awkward situations.
I've also joined a gay support group. I wouldn't have thought I could do that a year ago but it's been very helpful and I'm proud of myself for making the big step. Everyone in the group is either having issues themselves or are there to help those with the issues. It's a really good idea and I thoroughly recommend a similar support group for any one struggling to 'come out'. I just wish I would have gone years ago. They could have helped me to tell my family much earlier and maybe I wouldn't have fell for Tom so easily.
I did end up sleeping with a guy from the support group recently after joining about a month earlier. It was bad move but it just kind of happened. Nobody close to him knows he is gay so it does contradict what I said. I blame it on all the alcohol! He's a very handsome guy and absolutely the type of bloke that I tend to fancy. He reminds me a bit of Tom. He has the good looks, the swagger and the ability to throw you around the room if he wanted to.
We ended up getting hammered one night and ended up back at mine. The sex was fantastic! Easily the best I've ever had, not that there's much to compare with. The booze obviously helped me relax and forget about my good intentions and I just went for it. It was a great experience and I didn't regret it at all. Until the next morning!
I quietly let him out of the front door thinking I'd got aware with my sordid liaison but out of the corner of my eye I saw my mum. At this point I should probably tell you that my mum, brother and sister were all supposedly asleep in their bedrooms during my late-night, booze-fuelled, saucy romp.
She was furious. “What the hell were you thinking?”
I tried to act innocent. “What are you talking about?”
It failed.
“You know what!” she bellowed. “The guy you've just sneaked out of the front door. That's what!”
“Oh!”
“Oh? I want answers, Dominic!”
This was agonising.
“It just kind of happened, mum. We were really drunk and I didn't really realise what we were doing. He's a mate from the gay support group.”
“Why did it happen in my house?”
“Sorry”
I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
“You better hope your brother and sister didn't hear anything!”
“Do you think they did?”
“Probably not! I was already awake and remember we share a wall.”
“Sorry mum”.
But I let out an accidental chuckle. I was still a bit pissed.
She tried to hide it, but she did a very feint smile.
I knew I could get out of the dog house.
“Do not do it again!” she demanded. “OK?”
“Yes, mum.”
“Promise?”
“I promise, mum.”
“So do you like him, Dominic?”
Yes, I was out the dog house.
“Not really. It was just a bit of a drunken laugh. We're mates. I'm not ready for a relationship yet anyway.”
“OK, Dominic. I'm glad you had fun. Just never in my house again!”
“Mum, this is horrendous. Let me go please.”
“OK. I'm glad you're getting on with your life.”
“Thanks, Mum. Me too.”