CHAPTER SIXTEEN
We had been together almost a year when me and Jack moved into our own flat. It was a good few months after he first met my family. He had grown close to them and would often come round for dinner and to watch the football on a Sunday when I still lived with them. I was spending more and more time at his flat so we discussed moving in together. I still hadn't said the magic words to him but I was feeling them inside more each day. We had done so many great things together. We thoroughly enjoyed going to the cinema and theatre and we were just as happy cuddling on the sofa with a film or a TV series.
Also, we loved going out on day trips together and had been to a good few places around the country and been on our first holiday abroad. I even got the chance to take him to see my beloved Newcastle United play. It was fantastic to watch my team with my boyfriend by my side. That had always been a dream!
A while ago, Jack had sat me down one evening after dinner to talk.
“You know I love you, don't you?” he asked me.
“Of course I do.”
“Well, tell me if I'm getting ahead of myself.”
“OK, I will.”
“Well, we spend probably most of the week together as it is. What do you think about, maybe, moving in together?”
“Yeah, it sounds good to me. What about your flat though?” I enquired.
“The lease is ending soon so I thought it would be good to find our own place. I want to spend as much time with you as possible, Dominic. What do you think?”
“Yes, I like the idea.”
“Excellent! Should I get the ball rolling?”
“Yes, good idea. I'll sort out when I'm going to tell my family I'm moving out.”
We hugged and shared a long kiss.
He seemed so happy!
I was happy with how things were progressing between us; I just missed Tom so fucking much. I do love Jack and I should really have told him by now. He's been my absolute rock and I think the world of him. I know I need to move forward with my life. I would have Tom's blessing to do it. I mean it's not like Tom was my bloody lover or anything. But in some crazy way I feel guilty for trying to enjoy life and guilty for loving somebody else. I had made a whole world in my head where me and Tom would get together and live happily-ever-after. It's been stuck in my head for so long that, despite everything that has happened, I can't remove that picture from my brain, no matter how hard I try.
I went to see Tom yesterday. I try to go and see him at least once a week. Yesterday, was unique though as it was the first time since the funeral someone else was there at the same time as me. It was Tom's mum.
“Hi Dominic,” she said upon spotting me heading towards Tom's resting place. “Sorry you have to see me upset.”
“It doesn't matter,” I told her. Do you come to see him a lot?”
“Every single day! It's my only way of coping, you know. He was so young, so happy and had so much love and so much to give to this world. I miss him so much. But coming to see him helps. I get to talk to him. I know he can't respond but I just want him to hear how much I love him and miss him.”
I tried to reassure her by speaking truthfully. “He knew how much you loved him and he would tell me all time how much he loved his family. The way he talked about your family reminded me so much of my family. Believe me, he knew!”
“Thank you, Dominic. This is a bit of role reversal isn't it? I was comforting you at the funeral and now you're here doing the same for me. How are things for you at the moment, Dominic?”
“I'm OK, thank you. I miss Tom so much though. I miss every thing about him, you know?”
She nodded in agreement.
I continued. “I have a boyfriend now. We've just moved in together. Things are going well at the moment.”
“That great news,” she said. I'm glad you're moving on with your life. Tom would have wanted that for you. He once said to me 'I hope Dominic can find a really nice woman one day, he's deserves it, he's an amazing guy!'”
We both struggled to contain our laughter so just let it happen.
It was probably the most either of us had laughed since the news.
“I know you've not got a girlfriend,” she continued. “But I'm convinced Tom would be just as happy for you to have a nice boyfriend. What's his name?”
“It's Jack”
“And is he a nice man?”“He's fantastic! Thanks for asking.”
She smiled and hugged me before saying it was time for her to leave.
Moments later, I was alone and headed over to speak to Tom. His grave was in immaculate condition. His mum told me she maintained it the best she could every day. She reminded me a lot of my mum. Their kids meant the world to each of them. I always spoke to Tom like he knew I was there and was listening carefully and I always brought a few packs of tissues with me to help wipe away the guaranteed tears.
“Hi, Tom. It's me, Dominic,” I began.“I hope you're resting and are at peace.”
I paused for a moment to wipe away some tears and try to compose myself.
“Do you want to know what's been happening in my life? Well, I'm still working in the same job. Jerry has moved on now and works in a different branch but we stay in touch. He's a good mate and we meet up now and again. Steven and Andy are still as crazy and adorable as ever. Me and Jack are now living together. My family love Jack to bits and I'm so happy about that.”
I paused again to gather my thoughts.
“There is one slight problem though, Tom. I haven't told Jack that I love him yet. I know this is stupid as I do love him a lot but I feel by saying I love him means I'm letting you go. I'm so happy I met you, Tom. You will always be my best friend and I will always love you. No matter what happens with Jack, I just need you to know that I will never, ever forget about you. You will be in my thoughts every single day and I will come and visit you on a regular basis until I'm physically unable to. And I pray and pray every day that one day I will get to see you again. I love you Tom.”
I came through our front door about an hour later and Jack was there to greet me with a lovely kiss and a hug like he always did.
He must have noticed my blood shot eyes.
“Have you been crying, Dom? What's happened?”
“It's OK,” I began. “I've just been the see Tom. I saw his mum there and we got very emotional. I feel so sorry for her and I miss him so much.”
“I know it's always upsetting for you,” he said. “But I think it's good for you to visit him. And I'm sure over time it will get a little bit easier. I know you will never truly get over losing your best friend but you will be able to look back more fondly on all the fantastic memories you shared and not get as upset about him being gone.”
I paused to take in what he said.
“What do you want for dinner?” he asked, changing the subject.
He knew I would want him to do that.
“I don't mind, Jack, you choose. But before you do, there's something I want to tell you. Can you come and sit down?”
He looked worried but did as I asked.
“Jack, I just wanted to tell you something. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner because I have felt it for awhile now. I just want to tell you that you make me so happy. I'm so glad were together and have our own flat, And, most of all, I love you Jack.”
He entire face lit up with obvious delight.
“I've been waiting for you to say that for such a long time,” he responded. “Every since I told you that I loved you for the first time. I completely understand what you've had to deal with. But I think together we'll be fine and can cope with anything life throws at us. I love you too, Dominic.”
Thanks to the incredible people in my life, I have come a long way since I began to write my story. I am happy with my life and no longer alone and confused!