CHAPTER FIVE
I arrived at work the next day and something wasn't right straight away. I noticed a couple of weird looks from colleagues out of the corner of my eye. The one from Hannah was particular bad. She looked like she hated me. We never got on but she looking at me with pure disdain.
Luckily, I noticed Diane go into the canteen before my paranoia could go into overdrive. My shift hadn't started yet so I had a few minutes to talk to her.
“Hey, Diane. Any idea why I'm getting weird looks from people, especially from Hannah?” I asked worriedly.
“Have you not heard?”
“Well if I had I wouldn't be asking, would I?”
I was a bit short with Diane.
“I only found out this morning and I've been working,” she replied.
“Found out what?”
“Freddie knows about it.”
“Oh shit, what does he know?”
“He's furious. Malcolm's told him and basically every one else that you were spreading rumours about him being gay.”
“Fuck!”
“I'll have a word with Freddie. I'll explain that I told you about it. That Stuart told me about the kiss. And we were just discussing whether we think he's gay or not. We weren't doing anything malicious.”
“Yeah, thanks. I can't believe Malcolm. He's just trying to cause trouble.”
“You shouldn't have told him. You know him and Freddie are close. And that Malcolm doesn't like you.”
“Should I go and talk to Freddie, Diane?”
“No, stay out on his way. He's saying your spreading lies about him.”
“It's not lies!”
“I know. Remember I told you. I wish that bloody Stuart hadn't said anything. We're in a mess here and he's nowhere to be seen. I shouldn't have told you, none on this would be happening.”
“I'm sorry, Diane. Is Freddie annoyed at you as well?”
“I don't think so. I get the impression Malcolm is going round blaming it all on you. You should have just ignored Malcolm when he was winding you up.”
I was so paranoid working on the downstairs floor whilst Freddie and Malcolm were working upstairs. I had to put up with weird looks from other people but no one said anything. I headed for the sanctuary of the fitting room. I pretended to sort clothes out so nobody would bother me.
I was dead wrong.
“Oi, Dominic, I want a word.”
It was Hannah. She had following me in.
“Hannah, I'm not in the mood. You never talk to me. You just give me evils. Go away please!”
“Yeah, you would like that. It's not going to happen though. You need a reality check, Dominic. Your lies have come back to haunt you. That's what you get for poking your beak into other people's business.”
“Can you not see I'm upset? Why would I want to talk to you?”
“You're upset?” she snapped. “You're upset? What about poor Freddie? You're so malicious spreading lies about him.”
“They're not lies. And what's it got to do with you?”
“He's my friend”
Luckily no customers were around to here her tear into me.
I began to shed a few tears due to all the stress. I didn't want her to see them.
But she had. They were an evil smirk on her face. She had got what she wanted.
“Oh the waterworks,” she said insincerely. “That won't work on me.”
“Fuck off Hannah!” I snapped.
I shouldn't have sunk to her level but at least got the message.
As she stormed away she fired a final bullet. “I'm putting in a complaint about you. Malcolm will back me up and so will Freddie. You're screwed! I would start looking for a new job, Dominic. Nobody wants you here.”
I was flabbergasted by the amount of hate I had generated in these people. What had I done that was so bad?
I couldn't cope with the pressure. I faked a migraine and that I was sick in the toilets and I was sent home. The migraine has real actually; my head was throbbing. It felt like my brain was going to explode. I stupidly doubled the dose of recommended paracetamol to four and dived into bed, turning off all the lights and trying to block out the world.
How could this have gone so wrong? Just for fancying a guy and being stupid enough not to tell him through fear of rejection. I noticed the paracetamol bottle a large reach away. I seriously contemplated downing the entire contents. But that would be stupid. I can't do that to my family. They would be ashamed, devastated if I took my own life. I didn't even know if there was enough paracetamol to kill me or just make me very ill. My world had fallen apart but I didn't want to find out.
What about my family? What about Tom? I can't leave these world without confessing to them; it's not fair on them. They love me and deserve to know the truth. The truth is surely better than dying having lived a lie.
I knew I couldn't tell them I'm gay feeling like this. It wasn't the time. I've kept it from them so long. I need to compose myself and tell them properly. Not on a whim after one of the worst days of my life.
The person I wanted to text right now was Freddie. It was now or never and I needed to come clean. I composed several messages begging forgiveness but deleted them within seconds of writing them. I needed to calm down a bit.
I downed a beers and had a quick bath to try and prepare myself. I was now slightly more relaxed. It was time to pluck up every single drop of courage and tell him how I feel. The first text I sent read:
Freddie I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Someone told me about you kissing this guy. Malcolm wound me up and it just came out. I'm sorry.
I gave it a few minutes and he hadn't replied. I decided to write another text, this time with everything that was on my mind in the hope of him fully understanding and be willing to talk to me:
I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier but I'm gay. I really like you. I want to be with you. See I didn't mean any harm. I'm sorry for gossiping but I wanted to find out if it was true for obvious reasons.
The next morning I woke suddenly. I reached over to my phone which I'd left on loud in the hope of a text or call; there wasn't any. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted it to swallow me whole. I was ready for whatever the afterlife was. But it didn't happen. I had to get up for work.
The dread was so overpowering. How could I face work? I seriously began to think about not going into work again. Too much had happened; but I had to. I had bills to pay. I had nowhere else to go. If I went home with my tail between my legs, my family would demand to know what had happened. I'm not sure I could have hid the truth this time. And what if any of my family somehow found out about what had happened at work?
As I was rushing to get ready, my phone rang. It was my mum. I really thought about ignoring her. But she's a worrier like me. She knows I should be able to answer at this time in the morning. I can't ignore her, she'll only nag me.
I answered the call. “Hi, mum, I can't talk.”
I really wanted to tell her everything but I sucked it up and choked back the tears.
“Why, what's up?”
“Nothing, I'm just running late for work.”
“You sound upset.”
She could read me so well sometimes.
“I'm fine, mum. I've just got a cold. I'm going to have to go.”
“OK, Call me soon. Are you sure nothing is up?”
My heart was pining for a heart-to-heart with my mum. We were very close when I was growing up. I told her everything. My dad was hopeless at showing or talking about emotions. My mum did the job for both of them. I needed her but couldn't bring myself to say so.
“Mum, I got to go. I'll call you.”
I hung up before she could respond.
I really wish I hadn't gone into work. I was summoned into the big boss' office soon after my shift started; this can't be good I thought. She was flanked by my line manager. I deliberately avoided eye contract with everyone in sight as my headed to the office.
I was escorted in the big boss' office and asked to sit down. Freddie was sat down already.
“Do you know what this is about, Dominic?” the big boss asked.
“Yes, I'm sure I do. Can I say something?”
I didn't know what I wanted to say. I just needed to defend myself.
“No, let us explain why we're here and then you can say something.”
I could tell from her voice I didn't have a choice.
She continued “Right, we've already spoke to Malcolm and Hannah about it. And we've just chatted to Freddie as well.”
Freddie didn't say anything. He wouldn't look at me. I poured my heart out and he looked at the wall. I could have throttled him.
“We need your version of events, Dominic?” the big boss asked.
“I'd rather Freddie wasn't here to be honest.”
“We'd rather he stayed. Everyone is saying you're causing trouble at work. We're giving you a chance to defend yourself.”
I was sweating. My heart was beating so damn hard.
I bet they could hear it.
“OK. I heard that Freddie had kissed a man on a night out a while ago . So -”
Before I could carry on, I was interrupted.
“It's not true,” Freddie shouted.
“Yes. Freddie you've already told us that,” the big boss reminded him. “We need Dominic to give us his version of events.
I looked at Freddie but he was still doing everything in his power to avoid me.
“Carry on please, Dominic.”
“So all I did was discuss whether we think it's true with some people. But I don't want to name names. It's not fair on them.”
“We're not interested in that, Dominic. Did you or did you not act aggressively towards both Malcolm and Hannah and swear at them?”
“Yes, I wasn't violent but I did swear at both of them.”
“That collaborates with what they said.”
I was relieved. But it was very short-lived.
“Dominic, we can't have this behaviour on the shop floor. It is totally unacceptable.”
“I'm sorry but I reacted to their abuse. They started insulting me and I defended myself. I have no idea why they hate me so much. I know I shouldn't have swore on the shop floor but they provoked me. Can you not see they're all ganging up on me? Hannah has never liked me, Malcolm and I fell out. And I have no clue what he is thinking.”
Of course I meant Freddie.
He pretended not to hear me.
The big boss carried on. “We've seen some texts that you sent Freddie last night.”
Oh my god. He showed them. I didn't know if I was more mortified at the managers reading the texts or more angry at Freddie for showing them.
“Did you send them, Dominic?” asked my line manager.
“Yes I did.”
“Freddie has said they have made him very uncomfortable. And he doesn't think he can carry on working here with you.”
He didn't move a muscle.
“All I told him was I'm attracted to him. And I'm sorry for any upset I have caused.”
“Well, Freddie has told us he feels really uncomfortable. About the lies you said about him and the texts.”
“You don't know their lies,” I fired back. “Somebody told me it's true and I've no reason to doubt them.”
“Well Freddie says they're lies. We obviously don't know the truth.”
I wanted to throttle him.
“We're in a tight position. We can't have you two working on different days. You're both full time. It's not feasible. We can try to put you on different floors and you could just avoid each other when you cross paths. We understand you're angry but this is a business. You need to be able to act professionally if you going to still be working here.”
They were trying to be rational but my life was a mess. I couldn't do rational.
“I couldn't care less about your crappy business,” I snapped back.
I was uncontrollable. “You don't give a damn about me so you can stick your job! Why on earth would I want to work with people like him, Malcolm and Hannah. I haven't done anything malicious and them three are bullying me. I fancy the guy for fuck sake!”
I stormed out of the chair heading for the door knowing there was no going back.
But I couldn't resist a parting shot. “For the record, I think you're gay Freddie. I believe it's true and you've been caught out. And now you're playing the victim and making out I'm an vicious person who is spreading lies about you. Well done, you've managed to turn me from liking you to hating your guts.”
I slammed the door shut and left the building as quickly and quietly as possible.
I was heartbroken. I'd just walked out on my job and I had no-one to turn to. I tried calling Diane but it went to voice mail. I left a quick message but it was so hard as I was sobbing profusely:
Just so you know Diane. I've walked out on the job. You'll find out all the details when you're next in work I'm sure. Thanks for being a good friend. I didn't mean to deceive you but I'm gay and this has got far too complicated. I didn't mean to lie, it's just I've never told anyone. I've not really accepted it myself yet and really wanted to tell you. Sorry!
I was in the bath awhile later when my phone beeped
It was a text from Diane and it read:
Thanks for the message. I hope you're OK. It's all got out of hand. I've spoke to Stuart and he said on his mother's life it's true. Freddie tried to kiss him. They were both drunk but Freddie did try to kiss him.
I replied:
Thanks Diane. But I don't really care now. I've left. It's over. Time to move on with my life. I'm not wasting any more of it on him.
She replied:
Good for you. Just so you know Dominic, I thought you were gay. I sensed you wanted to tell me. But I left you to do it when you were ready. Thank you.
That was a lovely text from Diane. She really understood me and my issues. She knew I was a nice person. Troubled, but nice. I sent her a thankful reply:
Thank you Diane. You make a lot of sense. You're a good mate. I'll try to listen to your advice because you're right. It's hard but I need to face it. Thank you. Love Dominic.
I thought about it; long and hard. Diane was right. It was time to face up to it. I picked up the phone but it was a struggle to hold I was shaking that much. I've never felt so nervous in all my life. I was struggling to breathe as she picked up the receiver.
“Mum?”
I was crying harder than ever as she answered.
“Hi Dominic.”
“Mum, I need you to come round to mine.”
“Oh god, Dominic you're crying,” she said stating the obvious.
“Yes mum, I need to talk to you. It's urgent.”
“I'll be right round. Are you OK?”
“Mum come round please. I can't do this on the phone.”
“Oh no, I'm really worried. I'll be ten minutes in the car. I love you Dominic.”
“I love you too mum.”