CHAPTER SIX
My mum is on the way round. I feel so anxious I'm stuck to the spot. I can't move, I can't do anything to pass the time. She won't be long. My brain feels like it is short circuiting with all the possible repercussions of what I'm going to do.
You see when I realised I was gay at sixteen, she was the one person I wanted to tell the most. We were as close as mum and son could be. I loved her so much that I was terrified that I was going to destroy what we had. She often talked to me about having a wife and kids in the future. I didn't want to disappoint her. Family meant everything to her and she just wanted the legacy to continue through grand children. Who can blame her? Does anyone seriously have kids and then hope they become gay in the future? I very much doubt it!
It's time! I think I can hear her parking the car outside. I looked out the window. Yes, it is her. She looks upset and confused. I wonder what she's thinking right now.
I rushed to open the door to try to put her at ease.
She saw me and gave me a worried smile.
I obviously don't know what it's like to have children but I can imagine the sheer worry in her eyes. I knew how I would feel if any of my family was in such obvious turmoil. Or Tom for that matter. I would want to comfort them in any way I could.
My mum spoke first. “Hi Dominic. I'm worried sick. Tell me what's happened? I'm your mum. You can tell me anything.”
“Let's go inside. Take a seat. I've made you a cup of tea.”
People are always making drinks and asking people to take a seat when delivering bad news on TV and in films. It seemed the right thing to do.
My mum ripped her coat off as quickly as possible and sat down. She could tell I was ready to explain and was ready to hear it.
“Mum. I've got something to tell you.”
I was now crying and my mum seeing the obvious pain in my eyes began crying too. She looked at me like she wanted to help but didn't know how to.
“Oh Dominic!”
She gave me a big hug and seat close to me holding my hand.
“The thing is, mum, I don't know how to tell you. It's been eating me up inside for a long time. I don't really understand it myself. I don't know how you're going to react.”
“Oh god, you're not dying are you. I couldn't bear -”
“Oh no, it's not that, mum. Don't be silly! I'm healthy.”
“Oh fantastic, Dominic. I couldn't bear to lose you. Well what is it then?”
“Mum, I'm so sorry I've kept it from you all these years. I'm so sorry I've lied to cover it. I just didn't know how you would react. I'm so sorry mum but I'm gay, I'm attracted to men not women.”
Her hand immediately let go of mine.
I don't think she noticed.
But I did. I was studying everything she was doing. I was used to doing that with people now. I didn't just listening to what they said, I also tried to study their body language for clues about possible hidden feelings.
She was in shock, that was obvious.
“Is that it, Dominic? I thought I was going to lose you. I thought you were going to tell me you had some terrible terminal illness, like cancer or something, or that you had accidentally murdered someone. I've been worried stick in the car thinking all kinds of awful things.”
“I'm so sorry mum but this is a massive deal for me. I've kept it secret for so long. I don't know any gay people and was scared about how you were going to react.”
We just stared at each other trying to work out what the other was thinking.
Then we burst into laughter.
She spoke first. “You love a good drama, don't you Dominic?”
“I learnt from the best, mum!”
The tea had gone cold during my 'coming out' session. I went to make another one. My mum always wanted tea. I didn't even need to ask. The few minutes whilst I was sorting the tea gave us both time to think. My mum had her phone out but I knew she was pretending to text. She was trying to compose herself after the shock I assumed.
A few minutes later, I restarted the conversation.
“Mum, did you not have any idea that I was gay?” I asked her.
“No I didn't. I'm shocked. I mean you never really talked about girls, thinking about it, but it never entered my head that you might be gay.”
“I've wanted to tell you for years, mum.”
“Oh, Dominic. You should have told me straight away as soon as you knew for sure. How long have you known?”
“I first thought I was gay when I was thirteen but I knew for definite when I was about sixteen.”
“What? You've know that long and not told me. I feel so bad for not knowing. You're my son, I should have known.”
I gave her a big hug and put her tea on the small coffee table beside her. I was drinking mine as quickly as possible for comfort.
“Don't feel bad mum. I've purposely tried to hide it from you all because I wasn't confident enough to tell anybody.”
“Do you accept it now then?” she asked concerned.
“I have to mum. It's not going to change. I really wish I was straight so I could have a wife and kids and make you proud. But I can't.”
“Don't be silly, Dominic. I'm so proud of you. I don't need you to be straight to be proud of you. You're a fantastic son.”
“Do you mind me being gay?”
“I'm shocked that you are and that I didn't know. But all I really care about is that you're healthy and happy. If being gay makes you happy then I'm happy for you.”
“Thanks, mum. That means the world to me.”
“Have you told anybody else?” she enquired.
“The only people that know are some of the people at work. There was this big drama at work. I heard this guy was gay and some of us were discussing whether we think it's true. He then found out and complained about me to the managers saying I was causing trouble for him at work and he had a few others of his side who don't like me.
She looked very concerned. “What did the managers say?”
“They were interrogating me about it, mum. Three people I worked with were ganging up on me and I got all the blame even though other people were involved like the person that told me about it in the first place. I can't go back there, too much has happened, so I got annoyed in front of the managers and walked out!”
“You've left your job?”
“I had too mum. I can't go back there.”
“Why do you even care if he's gay?” she asked confused. “Is he even gay?”
“Apparently he is gay. But I couldn't care less any more. I did fancy him but he's denied it and treated me like crap.”
“You're better off without him then, Dominic.”
“I know mum. It was a stupid situation and I regret every thing that happened like letting myself get attracted to him and being upset when he hurt me. I do need another job though but I'm not sure what to do about it.”
My mum's brain seemed to be working hard. She wasn't saying anything but she appeared to be searching for a solution.
I sat there with my head in my hands.
“Right, Dominic. This is what we're going to do.”
She was being deadly serious.
I knew not to say anything and let her speak.
“You're leaving this flat. I don't want you living on your own at the moment. I want you with me and the rest of your family How long does your lease have left?”
“A couple of months”
“OK, between you and me and your dad, we will pay off this place. And you can come home. I want to make sure you're OK. Max and Abbie really miss their big brother. Even your dad. I know he doesn't say much, but he does love you, you know?”
“I know he does. I love them all too. I was just scared about -”
“You don't need to be scared. We all love you so much.”
“I know you do. But you can understand how I was worried about the gay thing.”
“I think it's going to take time for me to get my head around it. I mean I'm shocked. I wasn't expecting it. But I love you regardless. I just need to get my head around it.
“I understand mum. I'm still trying to do that myself. But what about the rest of them? What do you think they will think about it?”
“Give me some time. I will tell them for you. I don't want you going through all this upset again.”
“Thanks, mum. How do you think they will react?”
“They love you. They will be OK, I'm sure. I will explain everything to them. When do you want to come home?”
“I want to stay here tonight. I'm just relieved I told you and want to relax now, put a DVD on and just chill out. When can you and dad collect all my stuff?”
“We should be able to do it within a couple of days. Is it that OK?”
“That's fine, mum. Thanks.”
“I think we should talk about this more before I tell them. I need to get my head around it a bit more but after that I will tell them everything.”
“That makes sense.”
“So, for now, I will tell them you hated your job and living on your own. They won't care. They will just be happy you're home.”
“Thanks. I'd like you to tell them I'm gay soon. I mean it took everything I have to tell you. I just want it over and done with.”
“OK, I'll tell them very soon. I promise.”
We hugged and smiled long and hard at each other.
I could feel her love for me pouring out of her and I'm sure she knew it was mutual. I was so relieved she was OK with it.
“Before I go, is there anything else you want to tell me?”
I just wanted to rest now.
“No, mum. That's it for now. Don't worry. There's no more massive skeletons in the closet than I'm going to throw at you.”
“And now you're out of that closet.”
She'd obviously heard the phrase somewhere before.
“Yes, mum. I've burst my way out of the closet. There's no going back now.”
“Will you be OK?” she asked obviously still concerned.
“Yes, I will be OK.”
“There's definitely nothing else you want to tell me?”
“No, mum, it's fine. Anything you want to say, mum?”
“No, not for now. We'll chat when you move back home. I love you, Dominic. I'm glad you've finally told me. Everything will be fine.”
“Thanks mum. You've been great. I love you too. See you soon.”
I was proud of myself for finally confessing. I think I knew deep down my mum would be OK with it. She's a very liberal person. She loves her kids more anything. She would die for her children without hesitation. But I didn't want to get my hopes up just in case she reacted badly. As you know, I have a habit of thinking the worst. My happy-go-lucky childhood has been utterly taken over by a very much glass-half-empty mentality. But I had done it. My mum was the one person I wanted to tell the most at sixteen. I wish I would have done it much early. Things could have been very different for me right now if I had.
I've got to lay out all my cards on the table now. There was one big thing I didn't tell my mum and haven't told you yet. I tried to put it to the back of my mind because it has caused me nothing but endless heart ache for years now. But as this seems to be the day for full throttle confessions, here goes. I'm sure Freddie was just an infatuation. He was good-looking and very funny, plus friendly and kind to me up until recently. But he wasn't the true love of my life. He was just someone to focus on to help me forget about my true love, my soul mate. And now I hated Freddie for how he had treated me. Even if he got in touch with me, I would have nothing to do with him. He made a fool out of me. I left my job because of him. But at least it meant I plucked up the courage to tell my mum.
My soul mate is Tom, my best friend. I really should have mentioned this earlier. I'm deeply in love with Tom and have been for years; practically since the day I met him when we were both seventeen. I have tried to hide it and fight it every since but it's impossible. The drama with Freddie and the confession to my mum have brought it right back to the forefront of my mind.
That's why I have deliberately fell out of touch with him. It's too hard seeing him and listening to him talk about his girlfriend and baby. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut when I first heard about his girlfriend and then again when she got pregnant.
I think most of my pain and misery comes from being in love with someone I can never have. I've hoped for years that he was secretly gay but he seems so happy that he mustn't be. I know we're best friends, closer than most brothers I bet, and we have so much in common. Our interests are practically the same. We have the same outlook on life for the most part. Damn, why can't I have a magic gay wand and turn him to the dark side?
My confession to my mum meant a lot but I need to tell Tom as well. It might as well be tonight. I can't face him in person and will have to text him. I just need him to know how I feel. I've kept it from him for years. How long can we go on like this without him knowing the truth? It's not fair on him for me to lie. I owe him the truth. That's what best friends should do. Be honest with each other. If I am really his best friend, he will understand I'm sure. I owe it to myself to tell him I love him. I spent awhile formatting my thoughts and then hit send:
Hi Tom. I need to talk to you as soon as possible please. I've got something I really need to get off my chest. Is that OK?
He texted back within a matter of minutes:
Dom, what's up? Do you want me to call her you?
I responded as quickly as possible:
No thanks. I'm too nervous and embarrassed to talk to you. I've really wanted to tell you for years.
Luckily, he didn't keep me sweating for too long:
Dom, you tell me any thing. Text if it's easy for you. Remember best friends for life. Don't worry, just tell me!