Chapter 10 Seeing with Eyes Open
‘You’re working up a good sweat on that machine, girl? Are ya never gonna run out o’ energy?’
It was true, Constance had been on the treadmill for a long time. Running, and running, with no let up, as if the dogs of hell themselves were on her tail. Her fat body, her fat-ish body, was glistening with sweat. She had never felt so vibrant and alive. She could feel her aching muscles pulsating. Her sessions at the gym had in short order become like a drug to her. Not only was she losing weight, she was loving the feeling of getting in form. She could feel her physical strength growing. She could feel the power growing in her body. Her fat was turning into muscle. Equally as importantly, if not more so, she could feel her mental strength growing. A sense of surety in things was beginning to replace her previous, constant sense of doubt about everything. No longer did she question everything about herself. Finally she was taking control of her life. She was the one running her life, dictating its very essence, and the path it would follow. She would set the agenda, rather than following that which had been decided for her by others. She looked across at the guy who had spoken to her from the next machine along. He was good looking, and really in top shape. By his accent he was obviously Scottish. She smiled at him.
‘Yes, you’re right. Today I’m really giving it all I’ve got. I’ll no doubt pay for it tomorrow, but I just don’t want to stop. Crazy isn’t it?’
‘O’ no, not at all. I know the feeling. When you get into the zone it feels good. The body starts to release endorphins, and you get a natural high. I love it too.’
‘Endorphins, really?’
Constance liked the sound of that. Her body was producing endorphins, whatever they were.
‘Aye, it’s a scientific fact, not just some scottish gibberish.’
Constance laughed. She already liked him.
‘Where are you from in Scotland?’
‘A wee town called Glasgow. Have ya e’er been to Scotland?’
‘No, sorry, but I would definitely like to one day.’
‘Well, I’ve ne’er been to Aus either, so don’t worry. It’s definitely on my to do list, though. I’ve got a friend out in Brisbane. Is that far from where you’re from?’
‘No, it’s pretty close.’
‘Well, not that that means much. According to him, pretty close by Aussie standards means not more than a thousand kilometres. We would call that a long way away back in Scotland. My name’s Tim, by the way. What’s yours?’
‘Hi Tim, I’m Constance.’
‘I imagine they call you Connie?’
‘Actually, I prefer Constance, if you don’t mind.’
‘I’m sorry lass, it’s just that usually Aussies always abbreviate the hell out o’ everything. Constance it is, then.’
‘What brought you over here, Tim?’
‘Well, I’ve got a good job, the food and drink is good, but, to be honest with ya, it’s more ta get away from the weather back home. The cold just seeps inta ya bones. A ten month winter gets to ya after a few decades. It’s just relentless.’
Constance laughed. She liked the way he spoke.
‘Well, you certainly can’t complain about that over here. Here we just about have a ten month summer. I like that, too. Actually, it’s a heat which is nowhere near as hot as back home in the summer. In Aus it’s a really oppressive heat. What you might call relentless.’
They both laughed.
‘Aye, good for Scots and Aussies, then.’
Constance slowed the pace of the machine down, and then stopped it. She reached for her towel, and wiped the sweat from her face.
‘That’s enough for me. It was nice to meet you Tim.’
‘Hey, Constance, what say we get some fluids in later, purely as part of our fitness regime, ya know? There’s a nice wee bar just down the way.’
‘Thanks, but I’m pretty busy today. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll bump into each other here again. See you!’
Constance walked over to one of the arm press machines. She sat down, and started working on the program her instructor had given her. The gym was on the first floor of the building, and the arm press machine was right in front of a big window, looking out over the sea. The view was magnificent. Waves were rolling in onto the beach, and the water was full of lots of foreign tourists enjoying the last of the spectacular Spanish summer. It was a good place to be. Constance felt a power, and a sense of ease that she had never known. She was in control of her life. She was deciding the rules, and it felt good to her. She liked Tim, but she wasn’t in any hurry to get back out dating. Anyway, they would meet again in the gym. They could get to know each other slowly. Before starting to date someone she had decided that she wanted to get to know them quite well. That way she would be able to avoid surprises further down the line. She wasn’t desperate, and her ticking biological clock could tick away all it wanted. She wasn’t listening. Besides, she was finally getting to know herself, her mother, and her father. She smiled to herself. She was getting to know her family, really, for the first time. At 34 years old that could be considered a bit ridiculous, but Constance didn’t care. For her, by her standards, it was good. In her conversations with her mother she was slowly, gently, coercing out more and more information about her father, and about their relationship. Her difficult upbringing, and strained relationship with her mother was starting to make sense to her. It was all coming into context, the things you didn’t understand as a little girl. She held no grudges, and apportioned no blame. Their relationship, their lives could, would, start afresh. If anything, it seemed like her mother had suffered as much as her through the years with their relationship. Constance wanted to put that all right. Put it all on a better footing. What was that expression? ‘Child is father to the man’. To Constance that seemed to mean that at a certain point the child is no longer dependent on his parents, and then eventually has to take on the adult position in the relationship. In her case that would be ‘Daughter is mother to the woman’. Constance laughed out loud, and then quickly looked around in slight embarrassment, hoping no one had noticed. From the other side of the room she saw Tim, who smiled, and waved to her. She smiled back.
Constance had started to look forward to her chats with her mother. She would work out some questions to ask her beforehand, but would never get too pushy. She didn’t want to shut her mother down, so she would regulate the pace, like you would when you were driving a car. Nice and easy, without pushing it too far, too fast, without exceeding the speed limit.
‘I can vaguely remember a photo of dad, dressed as a hippy. Do you still have that, mum?’
‘Yes, I think I do, somewhere. I’ll see if I can find it for you.’
Her mother sounded almost nostalgic as she spoke about the photo.
‘Where was it taken, mum?’
Her mother laughed lightly.
‘Up the top of Mount Warning.’
‘Mum! So you both went up there, together? Did you stay the night, or just do a day trip?’
‘We took a tent up, and some food, and stayed the night. It was just lovely up there. I’ll never forget it.’
Constance almost burst out laughing. She could imagine the two of them smoking a joint, and waiting for the sun to come out. Of course, she wouldn’t ask her mum if that was the case. That would be a step too far. She was taking things easy. She was giving her mother breathing space. In time it would all be able to be coaxed out. Eventually she would find out everything. The process had begun, and there would be no stopping it.
‘What a lovely thing to have done together, mum. You must have some good memories of your time with dad?’
Constance could hear her mother sigh down the phone line.
‘Yes, you’re right. Sometimes I forget about those days. After he died everything just changed so much, and so instantly. It wasn’t easy you know.’
‘I know, mum. You did a good job. All by yourself. It must have been very hard on you. Anyway, you did a great job with us, don’t ever forget that.’
‘You know, I couldn’t believe it when you asked me about Mount Warning.’
Constance’s interest was immediately piqued.
‘Why’s that, mum?’
‘Well, you were conceived around that time, and your father was convinced that it happened up the top of the mount.’
Constance’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘Mum, that’s fantastic! What a great story!’
‘Are you going to come home, dear? It would be lovely to have you here, back home.’
Constance could hear a sense of longing in her mother’s voice.
‘I’ll try and get some time off as soon as I can, and come over for a holiday, mum. I promise.’
‘I meant that maybe it’s time for you to move back home, permanently. Don’t you think it’s time, dear?’
It felt good to Constance knowing that her mother wanted her back with her, but she had her own life to live.
‘At the moment I’m really enjoying my job as a teacher. I’m not sure if I would be able to find something like that back home. But, anyway, we’ll see what the future brings. Can you send me a copy of that photo? The one of dad up Mount Warning? Just take it into any shop where they sell cameras. They will be able to make a copy of it.’
‘I’ll do that for you tomorrow, and get it off to you.’
‘Thanks, mum, take care. I’ll call you again soon. Bye, mum.’
Constance threw herself back down on the couch, and lay with her hands behind her head. Move back to Australia? She had really left home, partially because she had wanted to see the world, but probably mostly to get away from her mother, and their difficult relationship. Now that they were getting on well, that was no longer the case, and she could go back. But did she actually want to? By some strange fluke of chance, and luck, she had ended up in a place that she really liked. Plus, she loved her job teaching english to little children. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to do that back home. Back home she would have to return to her boring old job doing clerical work, like she had done before leaving, and when she had been in Dublin. Not to mention the weather. Spanish summers were hot, but not oppressive like the almost unbearable heat back home. Her leaving home had been more about running away, escaping, but in doing so she had found a place where she fitted in. A place which she now called home. It was ironic really, she had let Australia mainly because of her difficult relationship with her mother, but by the time that that strained relationship had been resolved, she had found other reasons for staying away. Besides, who knew what the future held? She could change her mind, or even end up going somewhere else. Who knew? She had never felt so free before. Anyway, for the time being Constance wanted to stay exactly where she was. She felt that she was in her time, and in her place. She loved the things that she had in her life. Teaching her lovely little children at the school, the gym, chatting with Matt. And Tim? Where did he fit into the new equation? Could there be something there? Well, she would see how that one developed, slowly, and steadily. First she wanted to concentrate on herself. Mind you, she thought, having a couple of drinks at a bar after the gym wasn’t really too much to ask. Maybe that would be a good way to get to know what he was really like? She couldn’t help wondering how it was that she had gone so far, achieved so much change, in such a short period of time. She hadn’t done it alone, in fact she had been lucky to have had so much help. It was odd how people had intervened in her life, helping her through her transition. It had been absolutely fantastic her chance meeting with Matt, and all the understanding his stories had given her. And Grace? Who could have ever imagined that someone who had been the source of such difficulty in her life would end up being of such help? How was it that all of that had happened? Was it all just down to chance, and fate, or were there some other forces at work? That she would never know, but she was so grateful to find herself in the driving seat of her new life. Her second chance at life. On balance, thinking about everything that made up her new life, she realised that she had found her new home. She was were she wanted to be. She would try and get her mother hooked up with a smartphone, and an internet connection, so that they could video chat. That would be a good next step in their brand new relationship. In the modern age you could keep in touch from overseas almost as well as if you just lived across town. She would continue her mother’s evolution, from hippy, to struggling single mum, to digital age technophile. The thought of that made her smile. Even her mother’s life was in a state of progression.
The bar was full to overflowing. There was a constant overriding noise of chatter, and great outbursts of laughter. Glass could be heard continually clinking against glass. There was little room to move. Constance and Tim had luckily managed to find a free table near the bar, on the inside. All the tables outside had long since been taken. Tourist season was still in full swing, even though the summer was slowly winding its way to an end, and the town centre was pumping. Constance didn’t mind being stuck inside the bar. After her mega workout she was still feeling hot, and a bit sweaty, even though she had taken a shower, so the air conditioning inside the bar was really quite welcome for her. What she had already learnt about Tim, in the relatively short period that she had known him, was that he was a real talker, a bit of a chatterbox, well he was scottish after all, and he was in full swing. Nothing, or no one could hold him back. The bar setting seemed to be like a second home to him. He was in his element.
‘So wi’ me mate we thought wee’ud gi’ it a go out here.’
‘Is he still here as well, then, your friend?’
‘Och noo, he missed his girlfriend t’ much. He went back after a few months, the bloody fool. I think he’s regretting that now, but it’s too late, she’s up the duff.’
Constance looked at him in confusion.
‘What does that mean?’
‘Up the duff? Don’t ya say say that down in Aus? It means pregnant.’
Constance laughed.
‘Up the duff? Pregnant? No, that’s a new one on me. But then, I did have a pretty sheltered upbringing.’
Constance sneaked a look across at the bar. Ever since they had been in the bar Tim had been constantly glancing over in that direction. Then she saw why. The mystery was revealed. Sitting on a bar stool with a group of friends, there was a woman, probably in her early forties, with a very sexy dress on, sporting a plunging neckline. A great amount of her very ample breasts were on display. Obviously Constance didn’t have Tim’s full attention. His mind was divided between their conversation, and the eye candy sitting not far away. He was a multitasker. It struck Constance just how much you could notice about people, when you had your eyes open. If you weren’t looking, you just simply wouldn’t see. With Jeff she had always been so desperate to keep their relationship going that she hadn’t noticed things like that. Or had she? She had always been pretty sure that Jeff had been seeing other women, so probably that wasn’t the case. What had changed then? Then it came to her. She had changed. She wasn’t that desperate fat woman anymore, with her biological clock, in cahoots with her mother, screaming out her age, and what little chance she had left.
‘Would ya like ta?’
Tim’s questioning voice brought her out of her thoughts, and back to their conversation.
‘Sorry, what? I was thinking about a lesson I have to prepare for tomorrow.’
After having been jolted back to their conversation she realised that Tim wasn’t the only one who could multitask.
‘I was saying that maybe…’
Tim’s phone rang. He looked at the name of the caller, and lowered the volume.
‘You can answer if you like, that doesn’t bother me.’ said Constance.
‘A’ noo, it’s just a mate, nothin’ important. I was saying, what say we go out for dinner one evening? Down along the waterfront. There’s some great bars that do a fine nosh up.’
Constance decided to play it slowly. So far she certainly did like Tim, but she wasn’t terribly impressed with his roving eye. She wanted to see how things developed with their low key approach, before taking things up a notch. Drinks after the gym was good as a first step. She decided to give a non-committal answer.
‘Yeah, we could do. Let me see when I have a free evening. I often work late with my lessons.’
Tim’s phone rang again, and after briefly glancing at the display, he quickly turned it onto silent mode. Oh yes, thought Constance, that’s just a mate calling, for sure. Constance wondered just how many women Tim had on the go. It had rather obviously become apparent that he was a bit of a ‘Jack the Lad’, a real ladies man. A young scotsman on foreign soil with a roving eye. She didn’t mind at all. That was just his way. And why not? The new Constance now had her eyes open. She wasn’t going to walk into anything without knowing exactly what she was getting into. And she wasn’t in a hurry. If the right person came along, so be it. If not, she would happily continue with her new, rather pleasant life. In any case, she liked Tim. As a friend. He was fun to be with, with his great sense of humour, and that classic lovely accent. At a later date, in the gym, she would tell him that she wasn’t looking for romance, but would still like to be friends. She had a sneaking suspicion that that news might ring in the death knell on their seeing each other. Quite possibly that would be the last she would see of Mr. Man-About-Town Tim, with his roving eye. But so be it. If that was the way he wanted to play it, she would have no objections. On the other hand if he wanted to have drinks occasionally that would be good too. Why had she never been able to think like that before? It all seemed so simple, so logical. What had once seemed to be so incomprehensible for her, was actually rather straight forward. In the end life, and people, weren’t that hard to figure out at all. You just had to pay attention.
‘Tell me all about Glasgow. It sounds like a wonderful place.’
‘Glasgow? Aye, it’s a great wee place.’
She let Tim build up a good head of steam talking away, obviously one of his favourite passtimes, while she thought about where her life was. The realisation came to her that the only real problem in her life had been her herself. All her misery, all her suffering had really only been a result of how she herself had approached things, and people. Running scared from her mother, terrified of Grace, putting up with all Jeff’s shit, it had all happened the way it had played out because she had let it be like that. She had accepted it as being the only possible way. To a certain extent she had actually caused it all, by her acquiescence. By default, it had been all her doing. By her innate action, she had given free rein to all and sundry, letting them treat her as they liked. Well, that was then. A new era had been born. What had Matt called her? ‘Constance 2.1-The Resurgence’. Maybe she should change her name from Constance to Resurgence? That which had been constant, had mutated into a state of renewal. She broke out in laughter.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘Oh, it just sounds like such a lovely place. I really would love to visit Scotland one day. Look, Tim, I really have to be off. It’s been lovely having a drink with you.’
‘What do ya say about dinner, sometime?’
Constance stood up, ready to leave.
‘Hey, I’ll see you in the gym. We’ll talk. Bye for now.’
She gave him a little wave, and disappeared through the throngs of merrymakers. It was nice to be among all the tourists enjoying themselves. They owned the place for summer. She owned it all year round. It really made her feel happy that she lived in such a wonderful place.
Sunday morning. Whoever had invented Sunday morning had certainly done a wonderful job. Constance was having a lazy lie in. And why not? The week had gone well, she had done all her work to the best of her capabilities, she had been out for drinks with her new ‘friend’, life was just fairly flowing through her veins. She was alive. More importantly, she felt alive. She hadn’t been able to meet up with Matt, because she had had to cover an absent colleague’s class on Wednesday evening, but they had chatted through messages, and would definitely meet up the following Wednesday. Her mind drifted back to the last time they had met. Matt had said that she wasn’t fat, just a little overweight. Then again, Matt was a very nice person. Maybe he was just sugar coating the situation. Surprising herself, Constance jumped out of bed and flew into the bathroom. She slipped off her nightgown, and studied herself in the mirror. She changed angles, and tried to examine her body in a detached manner, as is she was looking at someone else, with a critical detached eye. The bathroom mirror no longer frightened her. In fact, she poked her tongue out at it, in a sign of flagant disregard. It was merely a mirror, not an insight into her soul. It merely reflected that which was in front of it. After conclusively studying her reflection, she accepted that she was overweight, without a doubt, but not really excessively so. Also she could feel her muscles developing. The fat on her was hardening, turning into muscle. Maybe she would call herself a ‘big girl’. Fatso had left town, and a ‘bigger’ girl had taken her place. She wanted even better than that, much better than that, but she had time. She was moving in the right direction. Nothing would ever stop her new fitness regime, or her chocolate-free diet. Nothing, and nobody, would ever hold her back again. The ‘bigger girl’ would put up with no nonsense from anyone. She disdainfully threw her billowing, hide-everything dress into the washing basket, and put on some shorts, and a T-shirt. After a relaxing, healthy breakfast she would go for a walk along the beach. In the morning it would still be quiet. The last of the end of summer’s throngs of tourists would be still in their hotels, in bed, or nursing a hangover from the expected excesses of Saturday night. An always necessary, and inescapable part of being on holiday. She made herself a lovely cup of tea, and ate a slice of toast with peanut butter. She had read that peanut butter contained vegetable protein with no fat, and that it was a good food to start the day with. It tasted good, and was good for you. Just what Resurgence wanted. After sorting out her breakfast dishes, she casually wandered down to the beach, with the sound of church bells ringing out in the distance. As expected there were very few people on the beach. Just some walkers, and the occasional person having an early morning swim. As she watched the swimmers she decided that she, too, would become a swimmer. It looked good. It looked like both fun, and great exercise. Without a doubt she certainly lived in the right place for it. ‘Constance 2.1-The Swimmer’. The possibilities in front of her seemed to be almost endless. Now that she had stopped holding herself back, now that she had untied the ropes that she had bound herself with, the sky was the limit. Maybe she would even conquer the sky. Constance 2.1 would have no limits.
‘Hello, there. Lovely day for it.’
Constance turned around.
‘Matt! Hello, how are you? It’s lovely to see you.’
‘You’re looking good, decked out in your beachwear. Showing off that muscular gym physique. I like it.’
Constance blushed with delight.
‘Well, I’m not there yet, but I am definitely on my way. Are you off to lunch with one of your power walks?’
‘I am, indeed, doing one of my world famous power walks, but alas, there is no lunch at the end of it. The boys are busy with other matters, so I will be just power walking back to whatever I have in the fridge today. And what about you? How has your week been?’
‘Actually, I’ve got lots of things to tell you. I won’t hold you up with it all now, I don’t want to interrupt your exercise, but you’ll never guess what I found out.’
Constance’s tone was one of great excitement, Matt smiled in anticipation of what he was about to hear.
‘Well then, come on then, out with it. You can’t leave me hanging here.’
Constance couldn’t wait to tell Matt the latest news from her mother.
‘According to my mum, there’s a great possibility that I was conceived up the top of Mount Warning!’
They both laughed.
‘My God! That’s fantastic! You really must be making progress with your mother if you are able to get that sort of info out of her. Well done.’
‘Yes, true. It’s funny really, I used to be so scared of her. I think she’s the one who is more scared, now. She never knows what I’ll be asking her next. She’s even going to send me over a copy of a photo of dad, actually taken on that trip up Mount Warning.’
Matt looked at her with a delicate smile.
‘I’m really pleased for you, Constance. I know how much all of this means to you.’
‘Actually, I want to thank you, Matt, for your part in all this. It was through listening to your stories of those days that made dad come alive to me, and which gave me the courage to finally stand up to my mum. I sort of feel like so many gaps in my life, so much emptiness has finally been filled.’
Matt nodded.
‘Where we come from has a big influence on who we are, and where we end up going in our lives. From those roots our trees of life blossom. Whatever you do, don’t dwell on the fact that your mother didn’t tell you all of this sooner. That doesn’t matter at all. Just be happy that you now know it all, and use it to build a better relationship with her, and to forge ahead in your life. Use all of this to build your future.’
‘No, for sure. Don’t worry about that. The Resurgence doesn’t have time for dwelling on the past. The Resurgence is all about the future. Renewal.’
They both laughed together. Constance had never felt so fulfilled with her life. The missing links, those little pieces that had stopped her from being happy, really happy, had finally come into place. She had finally come to know her father, somebody who had been missing for all her life. She was where she wanted to be, and was living the life she wanted to live. Without a doubt a lot of that was because of the man standing right there in front of her. He, and his stories, had been the catalyst of her change, her renewal. She owed him so much.
‘Well, my dear Resurgence, I must be off. I need to crack out some more kilometres to work up a good appetite. It was really nice to bump