Chapter 2 Swimming With Dogs
The day dawned slowly for Constance. She lay there in bed with a terrible headache, knowing that she had drank far too much wine the evening before, as usual. Cheap wine. The sort that gives you a bad hangover the day after. With a sigh, she dragged herself out of her bed, and shuffled into the bathroom. The first order of the day was to splash her face with cold water, hoping that that would bring some form of life back to her. That was the hope. The reality, as usual, was somewhat different. As she dried her face with a hand towel she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her chubby face stared back at her, almost accusingly. She hated what she saw. Her short brown hair did nothing to hide her puffed up cheeks. Looking at her reflection further down, her nightgown did nothing to hide the swell of her overweight body. Who was she kidding? Overweight? She was fat. A big fat whale. How was it possible that she had let herself get to that point? How could she look so terrible at only 34 years old? God only knew what she would look like when she was actually old. In that moment there was nothing she liked about herself. Even her name. Constance. Constant. A name that means normal, invariable, nothing out of the usual. You will find nothing of interest here. Who would give their child a name like that? It was the equivalent of labeling your child as someone who will never amount to anything other than the ordinary. Well, they had been right. She had been labeled correctly. She was a nobody, living a nothing life, trapped in an ugly, fat body. She let her nightgown slip to the floor, so that she could see in the mirror just how disgusting she was in her totality. The full, unhidden reality. No wonder Jeff would sneak off in the middle of the night, after having had sex with her. Who would want to wake up next to a fat, ugly woman like her? She turned on the shower, and let the warm water flow over her body. She closed her eyes and let the stream of the water wash over her head. Hopefully it would wash away her hangover, and maybe some of her fat as well. Theoretically living in Spain was supposed to be good for you. The famous mediterranean diet, and all that. Well, it hadn’t worked for her. Mind you, copious amounts of chocolate bars never got a mention in that diet. As the hot water tried desperately, but in vain, to wash the feeling of disgust from her, she vowed to trade in her chocolate for lovely Spanish salads, with just a light sprinkling of olive oil. She had to make a change. She would make a change. The day had come to turn her life around. She laughed out loud at the thought of that, but straight away her laughter turned to sorrow, as she thought of all the times she had promised herself that. A New Year’s Resolution, made, and broken, every other week. Many promises had been made, always with what had seemed to be the best of intentions, yet there she was, still fat, still hating herself, and still deluding herself with empty promises of change. She dried herself off, making a point of not looking in the mirror. She had had enough self disgust for one day. In fact, she was probably all set for whole of the following week. Constance dressed in her usual style of billowing clothes, maybe some people would be fooled by them. She fixed herself her usual breakfast of a cup of tea, and a couple of slices of wholemeal bread toasted, with a lot of butter and marmalade spread on. She refused to read how much sugar was in the marmalade, although she knew full well from having previously read the small print that there was 60mg per 100mg. 60% sugar. Anyway, it didn’t matter that much because she always finished off her breakfast with a nice big piece of chocolate, just to give her some energy to face the day. What was she supposed to eat for breakfast? Salad? At least being Sunday she didn’t have to work, so she could pack her self loathing away in a box, put it in the cupboard for the day, and go for a walk down on the beach. She would take a day off from being herself. She would have a holiday from being the constant, nothing out of the ordinary, person who she was. Constance put on her light summer shoes, and headed towards the door.
She almost made it out, almost. Her phone which she had put in her pocket started ringing, and as soon as she looked at it she could see from the prefix that it was a call from Australia. The number was unfamiliar, but she knew who it would be. Her mother. Her mother always phoned her with pre-paid phone cards, so the numbers were always different, but the prefix was a dead give away. She declined the call, turned her phone off, and then dropped it on the shelf by the door. She had had her fair share of self loathing for the day, she certainly didn’t need her mother to put the boot in by telling her, again, how disappointed she was in her. She would save that misery for another day. Constance would pretend all was well in her life, and go for a walk along the beach. It was early spring, and the Spanish sun was already starting to get warm. As she walked down towards the beach she almost felt optimistic. Well, almost. If she had been someone else she would have been feeling really well, but unfortunately, she couldn’t shake off the feeling of being who she was. The sight of the beach, as always, filled Constance with delight. It was beautiful. The magical rays of the sun reflected off the deep blue colour of the water, creating a breathtaking sight. If nothing else, she had really made a good decision to move to the south of Spain. Especially after the cold, damp years she had spent in Dublin. Somehow, she had managed to get something right. No doubt probably by mistake, rather than by design. Nonetheless, it was something that had worked out for her. One of the few things that ever had.
As it was still early spring there weren’t many people around, which was just how Constance liked it. As soon as she stepped onto the beach she took her shoes off. The soothing feel of the sand massaged her feet, bringing her a sense of ease. She loved walking barefoot along the beach. It was the only place where she could let go of the anxiety that constantly gripped her, and just feel the beauty around her. Become one with it. It was therapeutic. It was her form of lying on a psychiatrist’s couch, and letting out all her inner worries. The warm sun, the soft sand, and the rolling waves coming up onto the beach brought her a feeling of peacefulness. Constance enjoyed watching the people there, imagining stories behind their lives. She could see two children playing with their dog. Why didn’t she have a dog? The children were laughing, happily, as they ran around with their dog. She would get a dog. Something that would love her unconditionally, something that would be a constant in her life. She burst out laughing. She would name her dog Constance. She would send a photo of her dog to her mother, with the name Constance written on the back, with the phrase: ‘What a good name for a dog’. Maybe that had been what her mother had wanted? A dog? A plaything to run around obediently following her every command.
Ahead of her, sitting on a blanket spread out on the sand, she saw an older man, probably around his late 50’s, or early 60’s. There was something about his posture that caught Constance’s attention. He was sitting erect, with his back straight, instead of the usual hunched over way people sat. For his age he was still very good looking, with a face reflecting his years, but showing character. His hair, although greying, still had a strong black hue to it. He had a lean physique, the body of a man who kept himself in shape. How could anyone get to that age and still look good? How was that possible, with all of life’s temptations laid at your feet. It occurred to her to stop, and ask him for some advice. Advice on how to lose her fat, how to sit up straight, how to live well. She would like to ask him if she could be someone else. Someone not named Constance. As she passed in front of him, the man looked up from the book he was reading, and smiled at her. Constance tried to smile back, but she was sure that it had ended up coming out more as a scowl, than anything else. Why couldn’t she smile anymore? Constance walked, and walked, along the beach, inventing stories about all the people she saw, stories that had happy endings. The warming effect of the sun made her forget herself. She was someone else. Someone good. Someone happy.
With a start she remembered that she was supposed to meet Jeff for lunch. She reached into her pocket for her phone, to see what time it was. In a panic she remembered that she had left it at home. A sense of fear came over her. If she was late she knew that Jeff would be very angry with her. She hurried towards the first person she saw.
‘Excuse me, do you have the time?’
‘Sure, it’s just gone 20 minutes after 12.’
‘Thanks very much.’
Constance started running back along the beach. She only had barely 20 minutes to get to the Tapas bar where she had arranged to meet Jeff for lunch, and a drink. Her heart was racing because she knew that she couldn’t make it in time. Normally Jeff would always be late, but Constance just knew that on this of all days he would not only be on time, he would no doubt be early. Tears welled up in her eyes. The tranquil feeling the beach had given her was now no more than a distant memory. She left the beach, and after hurriedly putting on her shoes, she ran along the street. Sweat started to form on her fat body, and her breath quickened with all the exertion. As the outdoors tables of the Tapas bar came into view she could see him there, fidgeting in his seat. She slowed down, to try and catch her breath.
‘I’m sorry I’m late, Jeff, I left my phone at…’
‘Just look at you! You’re all sweaty. My God Connie, what sort of way is this to present yourself? Will you please go to the bathroom, and clean yourself up.’
‘I’m sorry, I… ‘
‘Connie, go!’
Constance hurried into the bathroom, and quickly tried to clean herself. She dried the sweat off her face, and under her armpits with the small paper towels. She refused to look at herself in the mirror. She could do without further self hatred. Why did she always do these things? Why did she always mess things up? What was wrong with her? She was lucky to have found a boyfriend like Jeff, but for some reason she could never treat him as she should. She knew that she didn’t deserve him, and that eventually he would dump her, which was just what she deserved, given how she would always let him down. Feeling like a total failure, she walked back out to the table where Jeff was waiting. His biting tongue was not long in coming.
‘Well, thanks for ruining lunch Connie. That was so nice of you.’
Constance held back the tears she could feel coming.
‘I’m so sorry Jeff, it’s just that my mother phoned this morning, and I have been in a bit of a spin ever since.’
‘Go and order a couple of plates of mixed Tapas, and a couple of beers, and then you can tell me all about what the old bag wanted.’
‘Well, actually… yes, of course.’
Constance hurried into the bar and ordered their lunch. Somehow she had managed to ruin their lovely Sunday lunch date. Could she never get anything right? With a baneful feeling she returned to the table.
‘So, what was the problem this time? What was she moaning about?’
‘Actually I didn’t actually answer her call. I…’
‘What? What the hell?’
Jeff’s voice was raised. He was obviously very irritated.
‘Here you are, all hot and sweaty, and you didn’t even speak to her. Only you could ruin lunch for so little. I can’t imagine what would have happened if you had actually spoken with her. I guess I would have had a whole ruined month on my hands.’
‘I’m sorry Jeff, it won’t happen again. It just upset me so much I left home without my phone.’
In that moment Constance remembered another thing she had left at home.
‘Oh my goodness, actually I left my purse at home as well.’
Jeff threw up his hands.
‘So I guess that means that I will be paying for lunch?’
Jeff’s tone was full of blatant sarcasm.
‘Well, actually I did pay for dinner yesterday evening.’
‘Connie, that’s not the point! You can’t come out expecting me to pay just like that.’
‘But I didn’t! I was so upset I just left it at home by mistake.’
The waiter placed the plates of Tapas on their table, along with two glasses of beer.
‘Well, dig in, Connie. Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.’
The obvious sarcasm in Jeff’s voice cut her to the bone. They both ate their lunch in silence. By the time Jeff had downed a second beer he seemed to have forgotten Constance’s failings, and he got onto his favourite subject. Work.
‘You just wouldn’t believe the week I’ve had. That bastard Henderson thinks he’s the top dog in the bank. I’ve traded more shares than him all month, but somehow he always seems to get the glory. I tell you, one of these days I’m going to sort that prick out. He really thinks he’s God’s gift.’
‘Oh, Jeff, I don’t know how you can put up with all that. They really don’t seem to appreciate you there, at all.’
Constance was relieved that Jeff was back onto his favourite subject. Himself. Even though she had heard it all before, it meant that her failings were off the menu, at least temporarily. She started to feel the tension leave her body as Jeff rambled on, moaning about all his colleagues in the investment bank where he worked. She knew where to interject with the appropriate phrases, and the serious face she would always wear while he was criticising the people he worked with. Constance was back on familiar terrain. She wouldn’t let Jeff down on this, the most important of all aspects of his life. She would support him, and be the devoted girlfriend that he deserved.
‘Well, I’ll tell you, one of these days I’ll move to another investment house, and then we’ll see how much they like it.’
‘You don’t owe them anything, they just don’t appreciate how good you are.’
As the beer continued to flow into the afternoon, Jeff seemed to have forgotten how angry he had been with Constance, and continued with his many grievances about where he worked. Constance knew that at a certain point he would start fuming about his father. She prepared herself with all the suitable comments she would say, the same ones she always used when he got onto that, the biggest of all his grievances. As she looked at Jeff, she realised how lucky she had been to find him. Even though she would always let him down, and make silly mistakes, he always seemed to forgive her. She knew she didn’t deserve someone as nice as him. Constance vowed to herself that she would never let him down again.
The new week passed slowly for Constance, she really liked her job, especially considering the jobs she had done when she had first arrived in Spain, four years previously, but she always seemed to get on the wrong side of Grace, her immediate superior. As much as she could she would stay out of her way, trying to avoid her wrath. She could never understand why Grace was always so annoyed with her, but by keeping her head down, she tried to minimise the amount of confrontations. Luckily she was free on Wednesday afternoons, so to clear her head, and to find some peace, she headed down for a walk along the beach. That was her favourite place. Somewhere she could go to to escape from all the problems in her life. The problems that were without a doubt partly of her own making, but for a great part almost inexplicable. For some reason life always seemed to rain on her. She could never understand why, and usually just tried to keep her head down, and wait for the various storms to pass. As usual, walking barefoot on the sand of the beach had a calming effect on her. This was her place of comfort. A place of comfort with no side effects. Unfortunately her other place of comfort, that of continuously eating chocolate, while it did bring her a temporary sense of ease, it certainly did nothing for her figure. In fact, it really just added to her discomfort, and self loathing, as she watched herself grow, and grow. When the time was right, when she felt strong enough, she would try and tackle that problem, but probably that time was far off in the future. She had so many difficulties in her life that there was no way she could give up on the calmness that chocolate afforded her. She needed it too much. That would have to wait for another day, when she felt stronger. Constance wondered to herself if that day would ever come. It certainly didn’t seem to be anywhere near at hand.
Ahead of her she saw the elderly man, who had so nicely smiled at her on Sunday. In the same way as the other day he was sitting on a spread out blanket, in a pair of swimming shorts. No doubt he was taking advantage of the pleasant spring sun. This time she was determined to not only smile, rather than grimace, at him. She would also politely say hello. Unfortunately, as she approached him he seemed to be absorbed by something happening further along the beach, where a small group of people had gathered. She really hoped he would turn his attention to her, otherwise her plan of the friendly salutation might well fall on deaf ears. Could she really fail even in something so simple? Would it be so hard for her to just pull off a friendly greeting? Just as she was almost alongside him, the man jumped up, and went running down the beach towards the group that had formed. Constance watched in astonishment as the man ran into the water, and started swimming out to sea. She had been taken totally by surprise, and couldn’t understand what on earth had gotten into him. With a start she then noticed that he was swimming out towards a dog, which seemed to be having difficulty swimming back towards the shore. She was transfixed, glued to the spot. Her heart raced as she watched the man swim out to the dog, and start swimming backwards towards the shore, holding the dog’s head out of the water. She quickly started walking down towards the gathered group, only to realise that the man had left all his things just lying on the blanket he had spread out. She returned to his things, and neatly folded up the blanket, and put it, along with his book, and water bottle, in his bag. Constance knew that after getting out of the cold, spring water, he would need to get home for a hot shower, so if he didn’t have to waste time having to pack up his things he would be able to do that much quicker. By the time she got down to the assembled group the man was carrying the animal, a small brown dog, out of the water, and up towards its owner. He placed the dog gently down on the sand and patted it affectionately. The owner, a young girl, who seemed to be on her own, was crying, and yelling in Spanish. The other people there were trying to calm her down, telling her that the dog was alright, just very tired. Out of nowhere a man, probably around Constance’s age, came running down the beach. The young girl screamed out to him.
‘Papi, papi, ven ràpido!’
The man, obviously the young girl’s father quickly took control of the situation. He took the dog in his arms, and after thanking the man profusely for having saved its life, ran off towards the road, with his daughter in tow. No doubt they would be going to the nearest vet. The onlookers dispersed, and Constance found herself alone with the man, who had saved the dog.
‘That was very brave of you.’
‘Oh, an Aussie girl! Hello Aussie!’
The man had such a warm smile, and pleasant demeanour. Constance was so worried that he would catch a cold after having been out in the cold water.
‘Hello. I collected your things for you. I’m sure you will be dying to get under a hot shower, to warm up.’
‘How very nice of you.’
He took the blanket out of the bag, and used it to dry himself off.
‘Actually it’s not that cold. I’m from down under, just like you. I’m originally from New Zealand, and down there the water is always cold, so this is pretty good, in comparison. So, a Kiwi meets an Aussie in the south of Spain…, that sounds like the start of a good book, or a bad joke.’
Constance laughed with delight. How pleasant to meet such a friendly person. With a more serious expression she thought of the dog.
‘Do you think that dog will be alright?’
‘Yes, sure. He may have swallowed a bit of sea water, but mostly he was just worn out. With such small legs he had trouble swimming back in. They are taking him to see a vet. He’ll be right as rain.’
Constance smiled as she heard that typical expression from the antipodes. Right as rain. Really it didn’t make any sense when you thought about it, but everyone from Australasia knew exactly what it meant. All would be fine.
‘My name is Constance, but normally they call me Connie.’
‘Well, I certainly won’t. Constance is such a beautiful name. For me, you will always be Constance. I’m Matt, actually short for Matthew, but you really can call me Matt.’
‘Somehow that doesn’t seem to be fair.’
Matt laughed at her reply.
‘Why? Did someone tell you that life is fair?’
The two of them laughed. Constance was so pleased to have met such a nice person.
‘Well, Constance, I think the day’s events call for a little celebration. What do you say to having a drink, and a bit of a chat? You can tell me all about how you ended up living over here, far from the sunburnt country. What do you say?’
‘That would be lovely.’
Matt pointed back along the beach.
‘See that bar along there? From the deck there is a lovely view of the sea. I’ll pop off home, which is just a stone’s throw away, have a quick shower, and I will see you there in, say, ten minutes?’
‘Great, I will see you there.’
Matt hurried off for his shower, and Constance walked along the beach, lost in her thoughts. She had felt really at ease in the company of Matt. Something almost unheard of for her. She had difficult relationships with almost everyone in her life. She always seemed to be walking on eggshells, with Jeff, her boss at work, and not to mention her mother. How nice it was to talk to someone without all that pressure. Partly it was probably also because she always felt more relaxed by the sea. It had been like that since she was a little girl, growing up near the beach in Australia. The beach had always been her special place, a place to go to, to think things through, or just to think about nothing, and to clear her head of the constant chatter. She raised her face to the warm sun, closed her eyes, and felt the warmth of the sun’s rays on her face. She had been doing that since she was a little kid, it had always brought her a sense of tranquility. It was almost as if it transported her to a place outside of her own skin. A place where everything was easy, and she didn’t have to worry about anything. She could escape from herself merely by closing her eyes, and letting the sun flow into her.
Roused from her meditative state, Constance heard a distant voice calling her name, and with a start she turned to see Matt calling her from the deck of the bar where they were to meet. With a sense of anxiety she hurried to their meeting place. Somehow she had even managed to let Matt down, before they had even become friends. She had lost track of the time. She felt so annoyed at herself. She just couldn’t ever do anything right. Constance hurried up the stairs, and rushed over to where Matt was sitting.
‘I’m so sorry, Matt. Time just got away from me. Please forgive me! It’s just that…’
‘Hey, don’t worry! There’s nothing to apologise for. Anyway, I got here early, so you’re bang on time.’
Matt had the most friendly smile on his face. Constance had expected him to be angry, and to be told off, or at least to get a cold reception, but Matt was not at all annoyed with her.
‘Well Constance, what do you say to a gin, and grapefruit soda? Sound good?’
‘Actually I’ve never tried gin, but I’m game for a try.’
Matt looked at her with a big grin on his face.
‘I warn you! Once you try good gin, there is no going back! You are in front of a life changing experience. Think very carefully about this.’
Matt’s humour was contagious. Constance laughed along with him.
‘Well then, today is the day that my life will change!’
Matt caught the eye of the barman, and held up two fingers. The barman nodded in reply. Constance would never had had the confidence to do something like that. She realised that Matt was a man very sure of himself, and his place in the world, something that Constance had never felt in all her life. How she would love to do something like that. Just give a nod, or a wave, and have someone understand you. She knew that if she tried something like that she would either be ignored, or be met with a look of total indifference. After a very short time, the barman approached the table with their drinks on a tray.
‘Thanks, Pablo. Pablo this is Constance, a young lady who has come all the way from Australia. Constance this is Pablo.’
‘Hello Pablo.’
‘A very big hello to you Constant.’
‘Pablo this is the first time Constance has tried gin. That’s always a big event in someone’s life.’
‘Oh, very good. We have very good gin here. Only best for Matt, and his friend. I hope you will enjoy!’
Pablo smiled at Constance with a look of great sincerity. Obviously being with Matt in that bar put you in a privileged position.
‘Thank you very much, Pablo. I’m sure I will.’
As the barman retreated from the table Matt held up his glass.
‘To the lives of dogs, may they live long, and be happy, and to the making of new friends!’
Constance held up her glass, and replied with her own toast.
‘To the saviour of the day. A true Kiwi hero!’
They both sipped their drinks.
‘OK, come on, out with it! You love it don’t you?’
His happy demeanour was contagious.
‘Actually Matt, I do. It really is nice. What a great discovery.’
‘So, tell me, where are you from in Aussie?’
‘A little place on the coast called Evans Head. You’ve probably never heard of it, but it’s just 30 kilometres south of Byron Bay.’
‘Oh my God! What a lovely place to grow up. I know the area well.’
‘You lived in Australia for a while, Matt?’
‘Many, many moons ago. When I was a very young lad I spent a few years over there.’
Matt looked out to sea, with a smile on his face.
‘Fond memories, Matt?’
‘Well, they were different times, indeed. You wouldn’t have even been born then, but in the late 70’s I got caught up in the hippy scene over there. Good times indeed!’
Constance’s face lit up with joy. She instantly had so many questions she wanted to ask Matt.
‘My father was a hippy back then, too! I would love to know about the things you all got up to.’
‘I bet he’s a bit reluctant to tell you the details of those days, true? That I can understand. You really did have to be there. A lot of it probably comes over badly being recounted to another generation.’ He laughed. ‘It sounds worse than what it really was.’