Chapter 5 The Art of the Sale
‘Nice place, Matt. Just the ticket. Pretty handy, too. I saw all sorts of food places just down the road, around the corner. I think there’s a pub down there as well.’
Alex was a good old mate from school. With his long, scruffy, light brown hair, his ready smile, and his always friendly demeanour he was always fun to be with. We were both as pleased as punch to have found a nice cheap flat in a handy position. The flat was a bit spartan, to say the least, and pretty rough, but, then again, so were we, so it was just perfect for us. St. Kilda, in those days, was a bit of a run down area, ideal for a couple of Kiwis on a tight budget. Also, it was well serviced, and not far from the centre. In fact there was a tram that took you straight into the city. Melbourne was ours to discover.
‘Yeah, the pub part sounds pretty inviting. As soon as we’ve sorted ourselves out, why don’t we head down for a couple of beers? First I want to try out the shower, it actually looks a bit dodgy. The boiler looks like it’s on the point of exploding at any minute.’
‘OK, if you survive, you’re on. I’ve definitely built up a good thirst. Then we can have a look for something to eat.’
Alex had a big smile on his face. He nearly always did, he was just that sort of guy. It was never going to be hard to convince Alex to have a drink. Or myself, for that matter. I smiled back at him, and was just on the point of saying who-knows-what when the door suddenly burst open. Actually kicked in. To say we were taken by surprise would be an understatement. We had been sorting out our belongings which wasn’t a big job. We had pretty much a backpack each filled with a few clothes, a sleeping bag, and few other bare essentials. We didn’t require a lot of material goods. Capitalists we were not. We weren’t quite full blown hippies, we were more like surfies in the transition stage. Surfies looking for a new home. Then, in the middle of all that, suddenly the door burst open, and the welcome-to-Melbourne mat was rolled out for us in the form of the two most obnoxious looking cops I had ever seen in my life. In strutted the two arseholes, cowboys in cop uniforms, licensed to kill. Unfortunately for me, I just happened to be the one closest to the door as it was kicked in. Yes, that’s right. Knocking was definitely not an option for Starsky and Hutch.
‘What brings you here, fella?’, the mean sounding pockmarked face said to me.
‘Good morning officer’, I managed to stutter through my shock and fear, ‘we’ve just arrived in town. We want to look for work, and get to know the place. It’s our first time in Melbourne’.
The other cop was poking around in our belongings, looking for who knows what. Well, really, we all knew what. That most evil of all crimes. The dreaded plague that would bring an end to civilisation as we knew it. Weed. The crime of the century, back in those days. His method of inspection was as simple as it was effective. He was spreading out our belongings all about the place with his size ten boots. And what’s more, he wasn’t bothering to be too delicate about the process. Alex, took the discreet path of politeness, and silence. Thanks for that, mate. It appeared to be up to me to endure the questioning, seemingly just because I had been the one nearest the door. I had been nominated the one in charge, merely by virtue of where we had both been standing, when the music had stopped. Musical Chairs, the police thug version. Definitely more interesting than the original kids’ game. He moved even closer to me.
‘This is a rough part of town, and we don’t need any more shitbags coming in, and thinking they own the fuckin’ place.’
While saying this, he made a point of caressing the handle of his holstered pistol. I got the idea. Boy did I get the idea.
‘No sir, we won’t be getting into any trouble.’
‘You see that pub around the corner, there?’
‘No sir, I haven’t been…. oh yes, I did see it. Yes.’
‘Bit of a smartarse are you son?’
By this stage his pockmarked face was just inches from mine. I could smell his tobacco stinking breath, and count the hairs flaring out of his nostrils.
‘No sir, I was just a bit confused. We only just arrived in town today.’
‘Listen here fellow, if I ever see you in that pub I will kick your fucking head off, and piss down the hole! Is that understood?’
‘Yes sir, we aren’t very big drinkers anyway,’ I managed to reply, lying as convincingly as I could.
Of course we were big drinkers. Young Kiwis, what? After he was sure he had intimidated us enough, and his mate had checked out our stuff to his satisfaction, they finally left. The overwhelming tension in the room left with them.
‘Shit, what a couple of arseholes! What the fuck did they want?Was the door open, or did they just kick it in?’ Alex asked, still in a state of shock.
‘It was definitely closed. Although it looks like a pretty shit lock. I guess a bit of a push, and you are in.’ I replied. ‘We might want to look at fixing that.’
Alex was never one to be intimidated by a couple of thug cops. At least, not when they had left, anyway.
‘Where was that pub?’
We both cracked up laughing.
‘Yeah, lets shoot down there, and have a couple of beers. Fuck those arseholes.’
Now that they were gone, suddenly we both found our voices again. Admittedly, I was still a bit shaken from the experience. That was definitely policing of a type that I was not used to. Policing 70’s Australian style.
The flat that we had found was just one street back from the main street of St. Kilda. At that time it was a low cost area, catering to immigrants, sex workers, and Kiwis on a low budget. Anyway, it was fairly central, and pretty cheap, so it suited us just fine. The block of flats we were in was finished in white stucco, showing its age, but with more than a hint of its former glamour. Sort of like something you would find in Spain, near the beach. Not that either of us had ever been to Spain, but that was the impression we had. We liked the price, and the look of the place. When we met some of the other tenants we would like it even more. They were, indeed a mixed bag of interesting people. Although really our adventure together had started a bit earlier than that, across in Sydney
‘Matt, there’s someone at the door for you!’
I had been living in Sydney for a few months, sharing a house with a couple of girls, Karen and Sophie. I couldn’t imagine who Karen was talking about, as I didn’t really know anyone in Sydney by then, just my work colleagues, and I doubted they would even know where I lived. I headed curiously to the door.
‘Well, are you gonna let me in, or what?’
‘Well, well, well, what have we here?’
We both laughed and slapped each other on the back. Kiwi blokes have never been in the habit of hugging each other.
‘Good to see you, man, come in.’
Alex was travelling light, just a relatively small backpack. He had the quintessential surfie look. Because, actually, he was one. In fact I had learnt to surf with him, going out to Piha beach, out of Auckland, in his old bomb of a car. He had long brown slightly curly hair, always wore board shorts, a T-shirt, and the ubiquitous jandles, also known as flip flops, or thongs, depending on where you came from. I was as happy as Larry. In a way, my plan had worked. We had both been talking about heading over to Aus for quite a few months, but he had always found some reason or other to keep putting it off. In the end I had gone to Sydney alone, anyway, hoping that that would push him to make a decision. Either way, I had wanted to do some travelling around, with, or without him. We went into the lounge room, where I had been listening to some music. I grabbed us a couple of beers from the kitchen.
‘So, what’s it like over here?’
‘Pretty good, although now that you are here I would really like to hit the road. Sydney is just another big city, not really that different to Auckland, in many ways. Good for work though.’
‘I’m with you there, brother, I really want to look around. I’ve got a mate over in Adelaide, so I want to head over there at some stage, too.’
‘We do have one small problem, but, actually it may be right up your alley.’
He looked at me slightly sceptically. He could smell trouble. He wasn’t wrong.
‘OK,’ he said hesitantly, ‘what’s up?’
The timing of his arrival was absolutely perfect. I had not long since bought an old Toyoto Corolla from a sales yard out on Paramatta Rd. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, another kiwi sucker buying a dud car from a seasoned rip off salesman, used to cannon fodder arriving from over the Tasman. Well, let me set you straight on that one… yeah, it was exactly that. In fact, the first time it had broken down was while I was driving home, just around the corner from the used car lot. From then on it would break down on average every second time I would take it out. In the end I had been just another sucker, one born every minute. By the time Alex turned up, I was fed up with fixing it, and it was abandoned outside the house I was flatting in. I had given up on it, and couldn’t be bothered trying to get it going again. I had left it there as a reminder of one of life’s harsh lessons. It was like a certificate of stupidity hanging on my wall. A constant warning sign. But, as luck would have it, Alex was pretty good as a back yard mechanic. Maybe the disaster could be salvaged.
‘Actually, it’s something that should be a piece of cake for you. Did you notice the dark blue Corolla parked outside?’
‘Yeah, nice wheels. Is that yours?’
‘Yup, exceptionally nice wheels. Unfortunately, a bit of a shit motor. Although, I’m pretty sure you should be able to get it going. Let’s put it this way, you get the Toyota going, and we head off in style, otherwise, we’ll be hitchhiking. What do you say?’
He opened his arms, accepting the challenge.
‘I will definitely give it my best shot.’
I sealed the deal with him.
‘You get it going, and we will head off wherever you like in it.’
‘What about having a look at Canberra? And then maybe off to Adelaide?’
‘Sure, man, sounds good to me. Tonight we celebrate then. We’ll hit the town, have some beers, and see the sights. Tomorrow you can get working on the car, and I will put my notice in at work. One way or another, we are on our way.’
The next day I was only too happy to go into work, and quit. The job hadn’t been bad, fixing up the lines for the railway, but I was already sick of Sydney, with its flashy american style culture, and wanted to get out into the heartland of Australia. Also I was only too happy to stay out of Alex’s way while he was working on the car, I had already had my fair share of working on that piece of junk. I never wanted to look under its bonnet again. On the positive side though, it really was a pretty good looking car, with its dark blue colour, and, being the De Luxe version, it was very spacious, and comfortable inside. I had bought it for all the right reasons, well, except for the fact that it was a heap of shit. By the time I got home Alex was sitting in it, revving up the engine, with a big smile on his greased-up face. I didn’t even want to know the details.
The next day we took it for a run out to the Blue mountains, outside Sydney, sort of as a test run, to see if it really was working. I always felt slightly dubious behind the wheel of that car, but it seemed like Alex had worked some magic on it. Anyway, with him along as my full time mechanic, I felt a bit more relaxed, plus, it actually was a pretty pleasurable ride. We were ready to go.
Two days later, after bidding farewell to my flatmates, we headed out of Sydney. We didn’t really have too much off a plan, but we had agreed on Canberra as the first port of call. After all, I had sort of promised Alex that in return for fixing up my piece of junk, I mean, my luxury sedan.
‘Hey, look at the back quarter window, it’s got a little winder to open it.’ Alex was starting to like the Corolla.
‘Yeah, it’s pretty hard case alright. This model must have been top of the range when it came out.’ I was enjoying driving out on the open road. We were about half way to Canberra, and we were both in a good mood. I should have realised that the sedan had lulled me into a false sense of security. After all, I had bought it on Parramatta Rd.
Out of the blue there was a massive explosion. In my initial state of shock I lost control of the steering for a moment, but quickly regained it. I slowly started braking, and eased the shattered luxury sedan onto the shoulder of the road.
‘What the fuck is going on?’ I fairly screamed.
‘There’s a trail of oil and shit on the road behind us,’ said the world’s top class mechanic, looking out the back window, ‘looks like the motor has blown.’
With the car stopped we got out for a better inspection. On the road we had left a trail of oil, with what looked like bits of metal in it, for about the last fifty metres. The length of road it had taken me to stop.
‘I’d say there is not coming back from this one.’ mused Alex.
Now I wasn’t anywhere near as good a mechanic as him, but I had pretty much realised that as well.
‘Shit, those bastards really sold me a dud. What a bunch of fucking arseholes.’
‘You and everyone else stupid enough to buy a car out on Paramatta road.’
‘Yeah, OK OK, I get it.’
He was definitely right. The car was done. Even a top mechanic couldn’t fix the unfixable.
‘I think I’ll leave a note on it saying "Return to Paramatta road".’
We both started laughing. Hey, it was over.
‘What about,’ said Alex, ‘For Sale, as is where is?’
‘Yeah, and I will leave an honesty box next to it.’
Oddly enough, I was almost relieved that the whole Toyota Corolla experience was over. It had been so stressful from the start, literally from day one, that I was actually glad that we had a definitive damage. One that couldn’t be fixed. I just couldn’t take another round of fixing it up, and then waiting anxiously until the inevitable happened again. It had been too hard on the nerves, just constantly waiting for the next problem. A problem which would never be long in coming. I gave the luxury sedan a good farewell kick.
‘Well Alex, grab your stuff, we’re hitching off from here.’
By the time we had split up, for hitchhiking purposes, and headed off down the road, I was feeling incredibly free. A weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The weight of a luxury sedan.
There was a lot of traffic, and the hitching was pretty good, so it didn’t take us long to meet up, as arranged, in the very centre of Canberra. My car had gotten us about half way so we only really had about 150 km to go. By the time each of us had got to the centre we had already seen a fair bit of the city, then we went for a bit of a walk around town, and stopped off for something to eat. Burgers and chips.
‘I thought it would have been a bit more interesting this place.’
Alex was a bit disappointed in his choice of destination.
‘Yeah, there’s not much to see. It all looks so planned and new, it’s pretty boring really.’ I readily agreed with him.
We both decided pretty much straight away that there wasn’t much of interest there for us. We wouldn’t be staying long.
‘Lets crash the night in a park, or somewhere, and head off tomorrow.’ said Alex.
‘You still pretty keen on going straight to Adelaide?’ I asked him. ‘It’s a long run to Adelaide from here, it would make more sense to go to Melbourne first.’
‘That’s what I was thinking too.’ he replied.
Plans were easily made, and just as easily changed. Everything was fluid. Neither of us were very bothered about sticking, rigidly, to any particular plan. So, after a quick feed, we found a suitable park in which we rolled out our sleeping bags, to get some sleep.
‘Who’s your mate in Adelaide?’ I asked him.
‘Actually, he’s more a mate of my brother’s. He used to live near us. He lives over there now, and said that he could set me up with a good job, if I was ever in the neighbourhood. He loves it there. He reckons it’s a good sized place, not too big , and not too small. He’s in building, something I’ve always wanted to try my hand at.’
‘Well, you are good with your hands, it should be good for you.’
‘Anyway, there’s no hurry. I wouldn’t mind having a look around Melbourne first. He’s not going anywhere.’
The next morning we got up early, had a quick breakfast in a cafe, and got out on the road. From there to Melbourne, hitchhiking, it was all pretty uneventful. The road was busy, but the rides were mainly short ones. We had split up to make it easier to get rides, and agreed to meet in front of the central post office, at lunchtime the next day. It was quite a long run, so we had allowed ourselves plenty of time. Thus began our Melbourne adventures.
The other inhabitants of our Spanish Delight were a mixed bunch, to say the least. One was a pleasant enough old bloke, seemingly an alcoholic, who was always out the front to great everyone, when they entered and exited. He was, also, always there waiting for the mailman, to bring him his government sponsored slush fund. He was of the opinion that booze tasted a lot better when it was the state paying for it. A fairly undeniable fact. In the bottom flat there was a retired couple, who had either fallen on hard times, or who had never known any other type of times. They were battle-hardened, and a bit standoffish, not really trusting anyone. Probably life had taught them that that was the best way. Trust no one, and you won’t be let down, again. They definitely wouldn’t have bought a car down along Parramatta Rd. Probably I could have learnt a lot from them, but I was still young, optimistic, and far too trusting. The others were a mix of prostitutes, and transexuals, who were also on the game, it appeared. Even they were all a lot older that us, probably in their mid 30’s. I had just turned nineteen, the same age as Alex. Everyone was very nice with us. Being the fresh faced babies of the complex, we soon become the mascots of the other inhabitants. Except, of course, for the couple downstairs. They always eyed us with great suspicion, as they did everyone else. Some of the trannies were also Kiwis, so we got on very well with them. Up until that point of my life I had never met a transexual, or transvestite, or whatever the appropriate name for them was, and found the experience somewhat fascinating, and rather exotic. In all honesty, they didn’t really appear to be convincingly feminine, and I did often wonder what sort of client was attracted to them, although far be it for me to judge. Anyway, they were incredibly friendly with us, so we accepted them as they were, they accepted us as we were, and we became good friends with them.
One day the door burst open, yet again.
‘Can I go down the fire escape? The cops are after me!’
One of the trannies had pushed in the door, we really needed to look at getting that lock fixed, and was running through the flat to the back window, which opened onto the emergency stairs.
‘Sure,’ called Alex. Not that his, or anyone else’s, approval really mattered. By the time she had finished her request, she was already on her way down the stairs. We quickly shut the door, and waited expectantly for the police to knock, well, really, to kick the door in. It was becoming a habit.
‘I hope it’s not those two areseholes again,’ I ventured.
‘Hey, just pretend we are reading and stuff. We don’t know anything.’ sound advice from Alex. ‘I wonder if they are after her for drugs or prostitution?’
‘Probably drugs,’ I replied, ‘mind you, there is always a steady flow of clients up and down the stairs, so who knows?’
We waited anxiously, but luckily no cops turned up so, after a while, we relaxed a bit, and thought about venturing out to score some dope ourselves. We went down to the local pub, for a beer, and to pick up some weed, which was always readily available there. The cops had given us a good tip about that pub. Thanks for that.
We were enjoying our time there, but our funds were slowly depleting. It was time to look for gainful employment.
‘Hey, listen to this,’ Alex was reading the classifieds, ‘Outgoing independent young people sought for sales in the art field. What do you reckon?’
He looked at me with a curious mix of enthusiasm, and curiosity.
‘It sounds a bit vague, but why not give it a shot.’ I replied.
‘Let’s go down and give them a call.’
It sounded worth having a go. We didn’t have a phone in the flat so we headed down to the shops to have lunch, and to call for an appointment. Down on the main drag there were a lot of food places from all over the world. We loved it. Cafes and bistros, all really cheap, with really tasty, home made food. Lots of Greek and Turkish places, with delights we had never eaten before. In Auckland there had been restaurants like them, but they had been way out of our budget range, so we had never tried any of that sort of food before. In Melbourne it was almost as cheap as eating fish and chips. We loved discovering all the exotic delights, previously unknown to us. After having lunch in what was fast becoming our favourite Greek place, Alex headed off to phone for an appointment. The news was good.
‘Tomorrow morning, 9 o’clock sharp’
‘Good one, did you ask for some more information about the job?’ I inquired.
‘I tried to, but she said that they would give us all the details tomorrow.’
‘It’s all looking good, bro! Let’s drink to our new found careers.’
To celebrate our good luck on the job hunting stakes, we had a few beers in the prohibited pub, as always with a wary eye on the door. I really didn’t want to get caught in there by my old friend, pockmark stinky breath. I was pretty sure that if he caught me in there, he would have been as good as his word, and it would have spelt trouble for me. As usual in there, it was pretty easy to score some weed, so with that in our pocket, and a few bottles of cold beer, we headed to the park for a bit of a chat. The sun was shining, and the day was going just great, as we sat on the grass, smoking and drinking. The Melbourne lifestyle really suited us, and we already had good job prospects.
All at once, without any warning, the skies opened, and a torrential rainstorm blasted down on us. Heavy rain, out of a grey ominous sky.
‘Head for those trees!’ yelled Alex.
He didn’t have to tell me twice, it was belting down.
‘Shit, last I looked the sun was shinning. Where did all this come from?’ I yelled to him.
I couldn’t believe it. Then, no sooner had we got to the cover of the trees, when the rain stopped, and the sun came out again. It was like it had never even happened. It was the most bizarre thing. With the return of a beautiful sunny afternoon, we went back to our old spot, and just continued as before.
‘What insane weather here, straight from hot sun to pouring rain… then back to hot sun!’ laughed Alex.
‘Welcome to Melbourne.’ I replied, also laughing.
The next morning I wanted a bit of a lie in, but Alex was all keyed up, and feeling optimistic about our job interview, so he gently kicked me awake with his foot.
‘Come on, we don’t want to be late for our first day.’
‘Hey, you go, and tell me how it all went. Maybe I’ll pop in tomorrow.’
I was joking. He wasn’t.
‘Up, now!’
I jumped up, and got ready. I was feeling pretty good about the whole deal as well. Plus, we were getting through our money so we needed to find some work. We walked down to the main street, and hopped on a bus, heading off to our job interview. Well, what we thought was going to be a job interview. In reality, we had already passed the interview by having just turned up, and found ourselves seated with about half a dozen other applicants, while the job was explained to us all.
On a few tripods standing at the front of the room were some pictures, mostly landscapes. They looked cheap, and mass produced. The guy running the show looked like he would have been right at home selling used cars on Paramatta Rd. He explained the sales pitch.
‘The best way to sell these paintings is by saying you are an art student, working your way through art school, by selling some of your work.’
He was a sleazy looking guy, dressed in a flashy suit. We already didn’t like him.
‘You mean, door to door sales?’ asked one of the other guys there.
‘We don’t really call it that, but, well, that’s more or less what it is. More than anything, you have to sell yourself, as an eager artist, whose work will someday be worth money. Everyone loves students, and if they think of it as also an investment, you’ve got them.’
We were looking at each other with some very dubious expressions. I didn’t like the part about having to lie about having painted them myself. I was just looking for a job. After some more dubious explanations, we broke up for a coffee break.
‘Hey, fuck this. I don’t like this bullshit at all.’ said Alex, echoing my thoughts.
With the excuse of going outside for a cigarette, we shot out of there.
‘There must be something better than this around,’ I said to him, ‘let’s get today’s classifieds.’
‘Hey, quick, this bus goes downtown, let’s jump on. We may as well make a day of it.’ A very good idea from Alex.
The idea of work was important, but we had really done enough looking for one day. Those things needed to be approached delicately. They shouldn’t be rushed into. We headed into the city centre, and had some lunch. Melbourne city centre was really bustling, and full of life. It was a great place just to walk around, and look at all the people and buildings. With the trams clanging down the middle of the streets it felt very European to us. Especially after having been in Sydney, which had more of an American feel to