Chapter Eleven
I got off the tram and retraced my steps back to the house I now no longer felt the same trepidation that had overtaken me the first time I came here. I walked down General Gordon Street and turned into the gate of No 123 walking up the path I halted in front of the door and then knocked on it. A short time later the door opened and in the light from the hallway I could see that the figure stood there was Mabel Smith Bert’s fiancé who boarded here at Ma Moffat’s. She looked shocked when she saw me and a small gasp escaped her lips I looked at her and noticed that she was still a very good looking girl though she did look a little tired. A smile formed on her lips and tears welled up in her eyes as she said. “Its lovely to see you Billy Boy how are you? Of course Bert told us you had been wounded and then your letters to Rosie and Helen arrived, have you seen Bert yet?” She was trying so hard to ask me questions that they were spilling from her mouth and they tumbled over each other such was her haste to ask them and her excitement at seeing me stood there. I smiled back at her and replied. “Hello Mabel can I come in and I will try to answer all your questions to tell you the truth it is a bit nippy out here I’m not used to the weather anymore and my leg is aching like the devil.” She stepped back and I moved into the hallway she hugged me and kissed my cheek saying. “Forgive me Billy Boy I don’t know where my manners have gone I am sorry what must you think of me keeping you waiting on the doorstep while I prattled on and you a wounded hero as well”, and her cheeks flushed a rather nice shade of pink.
I took off my cap and Mabel took it and hung it on the hallstand then she ushered me through to the front parlour. I was just about to sit down and ease the pain in my leg and groin when Mabel said. “Come into the kitchen where its warm and I will make you a mug of tea and something to eat.” It was only then that I saw there was no fire in the grate and felt the chill for the first time I also noticed how empty the place looked and felt. I turned to walk out but not before Mabel had seen the look on my face and she apologised saying. “Sorry but we don’t use most of the rooms now there’s only Ma, Beth, Rosie and me left here now.” I was about to ask the question when she answered me. “Beth’s up with Ma at the moment Rosie’s in bed she has only just got back from work and it is hard on her I was just making up Ma’s medicine for later on tonight”, she then ushered me out of the parlour and down the hallway to the kitchen. It was warm when I sat down in the kitchen something I was extremely glad of I pulled my chair up to the table and Mabel got the mugs out I noticed that the kettle was already steaming away on the hearth. She turned to me saying. “I think we have some cold beef left or maybe you would like some bread and cheese, no I know how about some bacon and eggs that will set you up” and she turned to go to the pantry.” She stopped in her tracks as I said. “No thanks Mabel I don’t really fancy any food I will settle for the mug of tea if you don’t mind”. I took out my cigarette case and opened it I only had two fags left but I knew that Mabel didn’t smoke and I would pick up some more in the morning. I turned the cigarette case that Helen had given me over in my hand it was the only part of my possessions I had left I put it back into my pocket and buttoned it then I lit up as Mabel poured my tea. She asked me. “Are you sure I cant get you anything Billy Boy after all you need to keep your strength up?” I replied. “No thanks love I will just have the tea and a fag I am more tired than anything.” I picked up the mug and took a swig god it tasted like heaven strong and sweet but I could feel the fatigue begin to wash over me and my groin and leg where now aching and burning the pain a living thing and my back had began to throb uncomfortably. I thought it was best to get things over with and so I said. “ The last time I saw Bert was in Alexandria when he told me about the wedding and asked me to be his best man oh and by the way congratulations I am really pleased for the both of you”, at hearing this a pink glow suffused her neck and cheeks. I continued. “I have only just arrived back so I have seen no one from the Battalion but they know I will be staying here and so they will no doubt send instructions to me.” She picked up her mug looked over the top of the rim as she blew on her tea and said. “Right then tell me everything that has happened to you since you went away some of it I know from Bert but not all of it?”
I wiped my face with my hand and it came away wet with cold sweat I didn’t think I could go over everything tonight because all I wanted to do was curl up in my pit and sleep for a week. I saw the concern in her eyes as she asked. “Are you all right you look a bit ill sitting there I do hope that your not coming down with something?” “I replied I feel a bit gip my wounds are hurting me and I am so tired that I think I will fall asleep on the table so if you don’t mind I will tell you tomorrow but at the moment I am bone weary so I will take myself off to bed.” She came around the table and hugged me saying. “I’m so sorry Billy Boy please forgive me I just wasn’t thinking keeping you up here talking and you being ill of course you must get off to bed after all you will have been travelling all day still just have another cup of tea while I make sure your room is alright and that the bedding has been changed and I light a fire for you”, she poured me another cup of tea that I did not really want and then went off upstairs. I nearly laughed out loud at the thought of a couple of dirty sheets and a bit of dust and the squalor disease and filth we had put up with on the peninsula but instead I ended up crying with tears streaming down my face and dripping into the tea on the table. Why was I crying because someone cared enough about me here to check my room out and make sure it was comfortable enough for me? Well yes it was and it made a difference which I so much appreciated but I managed to stem the flow of tears just as Mabel came back and told me my room was now ready and I could go to bed. We wished each other goodnight and she kissed me on my cheek again then I wended my weary way to bed only just managing to drag my feet up the stairs and down the corridor to my room. I stripped off and crawled under the covers and my head had only just touched the pillow when I went out like a light and languished in a state of unconsciousness.
I awoke in the morning and struggled stiffly from bed I looked out of the window the day outside was cold, wet and miserable which just about summed up my feelings to a tee. I got dressed and wandered down the hallway then I had a thought I would nip in and see how Ma was so I started downstairs to the first floor. I was just nearing Ma’s door when Beth came out the look of delight in her eyes when she saw me made my morning and she ran to me and hugged me to her not inconsiderable bosom. She said. “Oh Billy Boy I am so happy to see you it seemed like you had been gone for years, Mabel told me you were back last night and I was so excited that I nearly came to your room to see you”, I noticed she looked a bit startled as she revealed this. She continued. “But then Mabel told me how tired you were and that your wounds were hurting if they still are I could get you something for the pain if you want it would be no trouble?” I declined for the moment because although I was a bit stiff the sleep I had last night must have done me some good because the pain was just a dull throb and I hardly noticed it. I said to Beth. “How’s Ma has she changed I read in one of the letters that Rosie wrote me that she was getting much better?” Beth had a little habit of putting her right hand little finger in the corner of her mouth and sucking it when she concentrated. She removed it now and replied. “Ma’s a hundred times better than what she was she gets up now for a spell every day and she is more her old self though I doubt if she will ever fully recover completely.” Then she smiled as though remembering something before saying. “I will tell you something for nothing Billy Boy Ma’s recovery is mainly down to your Helen and how she nursed her through the illness before she went to Manchester.
Just the mention of Helen tugged at my heartstrings and brought a smile to my face Beth continued. “She was an angel was Helen nothing to much trouble reading to Ma and ministering to her even when she had to work. In fact I will tell you that Rosie, Beth and I count have coped without her and she being just a slip of a girl.” I was proud of Helen and I am sure it showed in my face though I replied. “It took all of you to care for Ma and I am sure Helen would be the first to say that I just wish I could have done more to help myself.” Beth had a calculated look on her face when she said. “Helen would say that but only because she is too much of a young lady to take the credit and as far as were concerned she is a saint.” But now a look of softness formed in her easy as she told me. “You could doo no more Billy Boy and believe me the women of this country are grateful to all you lads that are fighting our enemies and keeping them away from our shores. I did not want to dwell on this subject not only because it embarrassed me but because of Frank I didn’t know if she was over his death or not so I said. “How are you keeping yourself Beth is everything alright with you?” She replied. “I am not too bad you have to keep going don’t you although there was a time I’m sure you knew when Frank was killed that I never thought I would be Alright again but thanks to the love and kindness I got from Rosie, Helen and Mabel I survived.” Her face looked a little forlorn so she changed the subject saying. “Rosie will be so glad to see you she is at work at the moment down the munitions factory but she will be back tonight.” She gave me a funny look and there was concern on her face as she continued. “I was hoping that you might have a word with her because someone needs to she wont listen to me and she wont like me saying but the work there is killing her and I need you to persuade her to give it up.
I thought this over and said to her grinning. “When has she ever done anything that I’ve told her to do?” Changing the subject to something on more solid ground or so I thought I asked. “How’s Charlie are his wounds mended yet I expected him to be back home by now?” Tears started to fall from Beth’s eyes and to catch in her lashes before shedding down her cheeks a small sob like a sigh escaped her lips as she replied. I moved towards her and held her as a strange feeling of foreboding came over me and I wondered if he were dead or not she pulled away and replied. “Of course the letter wouldn’t have reached you because you got wounded.” And she looked so frail and vulnerable like a little bird and I tried to stop her going on but I couldn’t. “We only got to know a couple of months back when a letter arrived from the War Department telling us although Charlie had recovered from his wounds his mind was gone and they would have to keep him in an army sanatorium for further treatment.” She blew her nose on a dainty little hanky and then carried on. “We have received no information when or if he might be coming home or even if they can make him better.” I felt ashamed and wished I had never asked the question in the first place but Beth continued saying. “We wrote and asked if we could visit him but we were told this wasn’t allowed and that they would let us know when it was in the meantime we should refrain from contacting them.” Knowing what I did from the wounded I had been with from Gallipoli those dried out silent husks who used to be men I had a good idea why they would not let them see Charlie but I kept quite not wanting to upset her further. I was dreading my next question as I asked. “How did Ma take the news then I mean Charlie is now all she has left?” Beth looked at me and sobbed again replying. “When we read her both letters she just said well maybe that’s the best place for him and from that day she has never mentioned his name again its as though he’s as dead as Frank.”
I held her to me until the sobbing stopped and then I said. “I will nip in and see Ma and have a chat with her for a while but I will try not to tire her.” She replied. “That’s good Billy Boy she will be glad to see you she knows your home and has been looking forward to you popping in on her after all you were always her favourite.” She turned to walk towards the stairs then stopped and looked back at me saying. “I meant what I said Billy Boy it really is good to see you back home”, she turned again and reached the stairs going down them I grasped the handle of the door gave a knock turned it and walked into Ma’s room. As I entered the room I noticed how light it was prior to this every time I had been in here it was either nighttimes or the curtains were closed. I looked round and saw Ma sat in an easy chair by the fire she was well wrapped up and had a blanket draped over her shoulders and one on her knees and she was wearing thick socks the colour of pea soup. She looked up at me and spoke. “It does my old heart good to see you stood there Billy Boy I haven’t seen you in quite a while everyone else has gone off to this terrible war.” I was wearing an old cricket sweater and had plimsolls on my feet so she obviously thought that I was a civilian. Then she continued saying. “Yes an evil war so evil and all my lodgers have gone yes gone now why have they gone?” She was rambling a bit by now and I wondered if seeing me had some how set her back. But I said to her. “Hello Ma it’s nice to see you looking so well how are you feeling at the moment?” She replied. “I cant complain really I will come downstairs after and make your tea I know you will like that I will find something nice for your tea because you’re a good lad Billy Boy.” She stared into the flames of the fire and it took me back a bit Ma saying this because Beth had not mentioned that she could get about. Still if she could do a bit of cooking it would take her mind off her worries and would possibly do some good for her body which looked sunk and frail. I kept an eye on her as she watched the flames but there was a vacancy to her look that didn’t seem quite right but I shrugged it off thinking it was me.
I said to her. “I was sorry to hear about Charlie Ma it must have come as a big shock to you?” She just sat there and stared at the fire but I persisted. “Still when he is on the mend they will probably let you go and visit him and after that he will probably be allowed back home.” I might as well have talked to myself for all the notice she took it was like Beth had said it was as though Charlie never existed. She broke her gaze from the fire and then looked at me saying. “You had better be getting off to work now Billy Boy and give that idler George Drew a shout he never can get out of bed in the mornings.” She shooed me with hands that looked like the withered twigs of long dead trees. I was mortified in the change that had come over her but I played along. I said. “Right you are Ma I will give George a shout and make sure he’s up.” She replied. “Tell Rosie to give you some breakfast and to make sure the lodgers breakfast is on as well I will do the tea tonight I just need to shrug off this cold I seem to have caught”, and she pulled the blanket more tightly around her. I found Beth and told her about the strange behaviour at first I think she thought I was joking but when she saw the look on my face she dashed upstairs. I saw that the kettle was on the range and steaming merrily I got out some bacon and eggs and made myself breakfast filling the teapot and sitting down at the kitchen table to eat it. I completed my meal which I really enjoyed poured another cup of tea and sitting back lit a fag I blew smoke in a plume into the air and watched as it hung in a blue cloud. Then I contemplated taking a trip to the Blackthorn Infirmary where I had been told to report by the doctors on the hospital ship when Beth came rushing into the kitchen saying. “Billy Boy run outside and send a boy for Dr Durkin you were right about Ma she has definitely had some kind of brainstorm or turn she seems to be living in a time before the war started she thinks that everyone is still here and worse that Frank and Charlie are coming home on leave from India.”
I ran out of the house and saw the little Thomas boy coming down the street so I shouted him over and said. “Do you know Dr Durkin Tommy if so can you go and get him and tell him we need him urgent at 123 its Mrs Moffat.” He was a handsome lad with brown hair and eyes that always had a mischievous twinkle in them and he replied. “Yes Sir I know him I will go and tell him right away”, I gave him a couple of pennies and his face lit up then he turned and set off at the run down General Gordon Street with his shoes slapping hard against the wet pavement. A short time later Dr Durkin appeared in his trap climbed down and shook me by the hand saying. “Hello Billy Boy I’m glad to see you how are you faring I heard about you getting wounded would you like me to have a look at you after?” I replied. “I’m fine Dr and I am going to the infirmary shortly its Ma who’s the trouble she is behaving rather strangely to say the least.” Dr Durkin replied. “Right lets go and take a look at Mrs Moffat then and see if we can sort out what’s wrong with her”, and so we entered the house and he went straight upstairs to examine Ma. I made my way to the kitchen and had another mug of tea and a smoke I had just finished these when Dr Durkin and Beth came into the kitchen I could tell by the looks on their faces that things were none to good. Dr Durkin said to me. “I have examined Mrs Moffat and things are more serious than I thought her mental state of mind has deteriorated quite severely. It would appear that she is living under the misapprehension that this is 1913 and that everything here is fine and that there is no war being fought.” He coughed and continued. “No doubt the strain of losing one son and having the other one confined to a military asylum has been to much for her mind to cope with she has become deranged. Also it will not have helped having you here Billy Boy I mean wounded and everything it must have fetched everything flooding back to her.” This was too much for me after everything I had been through and I told him. “Do you seriously think this is my fault you old bloody quack I have had a belly full of people shirking and blaming other people. So don’t you dare put the blame on me for what has happened to Ma because it has nothing to do with me?”
The look of shock on Dr Durkin’s face was priceless al the colour had drained out of it and it looked like an old bag of suet but I was past caring anymore the whole world could go swing for me. After all when you had been through what I had been through at my age things just tended to snap and that was just what had happened here. The Dr who was still looking shocked stammered. “No that’s not what I meant you have not caused this to happen it’s everything over the last year that has built up until Mrs Moffat’s mind has retreated to a happier time and is now living in that. By no means Billy Boy would I ever blame you and I am sorry if you thought I had.” I apologised to both Dr Durkin and Beth but I didn’t really mean it with Ma ending up like this I felt like I had been kicked in the bollocks by life again and I needed to get away. I heard Dr Durkin saying. “Of course after consulting with Beth we have decided that Mrs Moffat must be moved to a sanatorium until her mental state improves and that’s what we have come to discuss with you.” I was so tired and drained both mentally and physically that I replied. “Why come to me I’m nothing I can’t decide anything if you want to lock the old woman up in a loony bin like her son is so be it but don’t expect me to have anything to do with it you and Beth sort it out.” Dr Durkin looked uncomfortable again but I walked past him shrugging my shoulders at Beth as I left the kitchen and went upstairs. I got to my room and led down on the bed I had to get out of this house as it no longer felt like home and to tell the truth I was missing my mates and comrades. But even more than this I was missing Helen because my love had grown for her it was no longer an adolescent thing but a truly deep enduring love that had seen and nurtured me through hell and back.
A short time later I heard them come for Ma and I could here hear her shouting as they took her away but it didn’t seem to matter anymore as my eyes closed and I drifted into sleep the nightmares began again. Gallipoli Charlie Slater, Walter Cole, Eli Woods, Johnny Grundy even the spy on Cairo station I woke up with a cold sweat covering my body sticking my clothes to me so I got up and turned on the light because I must have slept the day away as it was dark outside now. I then sat back on the bed with the pillows propping me up smoking a fag and I was just finishing it off when there was a knock on the door. I shouted. “I’ve told you Beth that I don’t want anything to do with what’s happened I just want to be left alone please.” The knocking came again and I was now getting really angry when a voice said. “Its Rosie Billy Boy can I talk to you for a minute?” I sprang up from the bed and pulled the door open and there she was I gripped her in a fierce hug and tears coursed down my cheeks as she whispered. “Can you let me go love as I can’t breathe and you are crushing my ribs?” I stood back and held her at arms length and saw that her cheeks were stained with tears also I invited her in and we sat side by side on the bed both a bit self conscious at first. It was now that I got my first good look at Rosie for nearly a year she was a lot thinner and she looked bone weary and I could see a look of illness in her eyes. When I first saw her I thought the light in the room was casting colour onto her but it was her skin itself that was a kind of yellow colour like she had jaundice. She had noticed me looking and said. “I see you have noticed my exotic colour it comes from the Liddite in the explosives it has sulphur in it that turns your skin yellow so they call us canaries.”
All of a sudden she started coughing and kept on and then a great wad of phlegm must have come up because she spat it into her hanky. She looked at me and her eyes were bloodshot with the harsh coughing she had been doing and she joked. “Another legacy of working in munitions”, and she smiled at me and I saw smears of blood on her teeth. She continued saying. “I was sorry to hear about Charlie Slater Helen told me.” I replied. “Thanks Rosie I will try to tell you about it later on it’s just that I get nightmares sometimes”, I didn’t mind telling Rosie this ass she was a true friend more of a sister to me than anything. Instead I said. “Tell me about this munitions job as its better to hear it first hand than from one of the girls and judging by that cough and the colour of your skin it is non to healthy.” She replied. “Well I suppose I had better start at the beginning when all you lot went off to war I had Ma to look after and Beth as well because of the business with Frank and Charlie. But once they started getting batter there was not a lot for me to do round here”, a cough racked her frame again. She continued. “But there was me Helen and Mabel and we used to enjoy each others company enormously but when Helen took up nursing and then moved to Manchester it all changed. I looked at what she was doing and thought I aught to be helping with the war effort as well”, she took a sip of water from a glass by the bed. Then she said. “I had a friend Sally Pearson who had two brothers fighting in France and we talked about doing something to help win this war just like they were doing only in our own way. I told her about you fighting in Gallipoli and that you were like my brother and we also had lots of friends that were in the fighting as well”, she stopped to catch her breath.
She carried on with her story again. “We wrote off to London and asked about any war work we might be able to do anywhere in the country and they told us about a factory just across town so we decided to give it a go.” I stopped her and offered her a smoke she shook her head and smiled at me I lit up and she went on. “Well anyway we applied for a job and were excepted we had to go for a medical as we had to be physically fit and have perfect eyesight and we also had to be strong. Then after that we had to provide four sets of different references and had to be British born of British parents.” She looked at me and I could see the affection she had for me shining in her eyes as she said. “Anyway we were accepted and told how vital our work was and how indispensable we were”, and at this she started laughing hysterically. I waited for her to calm down which took some time and then she went on saying. “They put me into a filling shed where they taught me to fill 18 pounder shells do you know we work ten hour days in that shed and it is not pleasant in fact it is dirty dangerous work.” She looked at me and her face was grim as she continued. “We work from eight in the morning till quarter to one and we get no break then after an hours lunch we work till half past six without a break and all this time we live with the fear of an explosion of which we have had a few which as killed a few of the lasses there.” A cough racked her again and she said. “I thought I was helping you and the other lads but all we are doing is lining the pockets of the bosses who cut corners and use condemned machines to make even more profit at the expense of our lives.”
She looked over at me again saying. “So what do you think about me doing my bit for you brave lads I have got this pretty coloured skin and the people like you and me are dying so that these war profiteers can make even more money to wallow in”, she broke down crying and I held her in my arms and comforted her. I thought to myself my poor Rosie what have they done to you but I knew that the same had happened to her as had to me and millions of others we had ended up in a war that we had all wanted at first before we even knew what war meant. Things had changed and I wouldn’t want anyone no matter what age to go through what Rosie and I had. We just sat for a while not talking and Rosie had her head resting on my shoulder while I continued to hold her and I said to her. “I take it that you know about what had happened to Ma I take it Beth has told you?” Rosie replied. “Yes she told me all about what happened but it really is the best place for her Billy Boy I mean Beth said she was deteriorating before her eyes getting worse by the minute. She told me to tell you she understands why you said what you did.” I replied. “I just couldn’t be bothered by any of it girl it was all too much for me on top of everything else.” Rosie kissed me on the cheek saying. “I will see you later I must go and talk to Beth and Mabel but we will have supper together later.” I replied. “I will look forward to it and please Rosie do one thing for me quit this job because I couldn’t bear to loose you as well”, she put a finger to her lips and went out and I could hear her coughing as she went down the corridor. I had many more chats with Rosie, Beth and Mabel who wanted me to reassure her that Bert would be alright and imploring me to look after him. But I had to disappoint her telling her that I couldn’t look after myself let alone anyone else. I then told her about Elijah Mack the last person I had looked after and who now only had half a face and was blind and that I never wanted that kind of responsibility again. She broke down crying when I told her this and I was sorry that I had to be brutal but then again war was brutal and the sooner she understood this the better it would be for her. Rosie took me to task calling me insensitive but I eventually made her see my point of view and she persuaded Mabel which put us on a better footing once more but I don’t think she will ever forgive me for what I said.
The time came for me to go and see the Doctor at the Infirmary as I had just received orders that as soon as I was fit enough I was to report back to the Battalion. This suited me down to the ground as I had gotten bored and depressed I loved the girls dearly but home had changed and even more so with Ma being gone. My home now was in the army and with the Battalion I missed my mates and the life which was structured and always busy so there was no time for depression or boredom. When I received the appointment I was over the moon and Rosie stated that she hadn’t seen me as happy since I had come home. So I set off with a spring in my step to go and catch the tram that would take me to the other side of town where the Infirmary sat in its own grounds. I got off the tram and walked towards the slightly gothic seeming red brick building part of which was Victorian but I was going to the new part of the Infirmary that had only been finished and opened in 1910 so it was only five years old I walked on up the driveway that led to the large double doors. I entered through these and found myself in the entrance hall of this round towered part of the building there were another three of these and each one had a glass cupola that covered it. Corridors led off this tower like spokes off a wheel and these led deeper into the building and light flooded down form the cupola above. I read the signs on the walls that directed people to different wards and other places in the building then I saw the one I wanted this pointed to Dr Sullivan’s clinic which was the one I wanted so I followed the arrows that pointed the way. I walked down green, white and brown tiled corridors which were permeated with the smell of ether and disinfectant till eventually I reached a room that had Dr Sullivan’s clinic on the door. I knocked and entered I found myself in a waiting room with benches to sit on the walls were white tiled with a green border. There was a nurse sat at a desk in the corner of the room but there was no one else here at least that I could see. As I walked up to the desk the nurse looked up and said in a stern voice. “Can I help you?” I replied. “My name is William Lamb and I’m here to see Dr Sullivan about some kind of examination.” She looked down at a large book that was open on her desk and then a frown creased her forehead as she asked. “Which Doctor referred you to us I don’t seem to have any notification of your appointment?” I was as stumped as her until I thought just a minute I was dressed in civvies and so I said. “Sorry I should have said I am Pte Lamb of the Blackthorn Pals and I have been referred here by the army.”
A smile spread over her daunting face softening it and making it much more human as she looked at the book again and said. “I’ve found you now please take a seat and I will go and see if the Dr Sullivan is ready for you”, she stood up and walked across the room to a door on the far side she knocked on it and then walked in. I was left alone in the waiting room twiddling my thumbs and tapping my foot on the floor I thought about lighting a cigarette but couldn’t be bothered all I wanted was to get this examination out of the way and to get back to the Battalion. The nurse returned saying. “You can go in and see Dr Sullivan now he is expecting you.” I walked to the door knocked and entered then I heard a voice say. “Come right on in Pte Lamb or may I call you William?” I nodded at this as I looked round the room whic