Chapter Fourteen
Our first sight of England was the dim lights on the wet harbour wall at Folkestone in the early dawn light as we docked and tied up there was another ship berthed a hospital one and I could see that another ship could have tied up on the harbour wall. Then the waiting was over and the gangplank was lowered and we started to disembark there were trains waiting down here as the tracks extended all the way to the end of the harbour wall. These however were for the wounded that even now were being unloaded from their ship and loaded on from the harbour station. We however would have to march up the hill on what was known as the Road of Remembrance and catch our train from Folkestone Central Station. We did this and now we were waiting to board the train that would take us further on our journey finally we got on although we were a bit squashed we did not care the train blew its whistle and then pulled away. At last we were on our way on the long journey up north we had to change trains and this we did quite happily as the train we caught although full was nothing compared to the first one we had been on. We chatted and played cards to pass the time smoked a lot and tried to sleep but most of us were counting every turn of the wheels as they carried us home to our families and loved ones. On our train there were troops from nearly all the services there were sailors in their bellbottom trousers and Naval Officers full of gold braid then their were RFC pilots with fancy wings on their uniform chests and brightly coloured medal ribbons below them. Also the Infantry, Artillery, Engineers, Pioneers and many more service personnel as well as troops from all over the Empire sat in the carriages or corridors as the train thundered on. Finally we arrived on a dark Blackthorn station in the early hours of the morning we looked round for some shelter as a hard drizzle had now started. There was no way we could go home at this time of morning waking our loved ones they would think it was bad news and probably be scared to death. The Station Master came along and told us that they had opened up the ‘Picture Palace’ up as a temporary troops sleeping centre and that we should try there. So we cut on over there and were told we could sleep in the gallery for what was left of the night for most people sitting on those hard seats it would have been almost impossible to sleep. However to us who were used to the trenches it was no hardship for we had a knack of dropping off anywhere and sleeping sitting up suited us fine. We awoke early the next morning and made our way back outside into the still dark morning air and then we walked down the road kitbags and rifles slung.
Frank was the first to take his leave saying to Bert, Nobby and me. “I will see you lads up and down no doubt on this leave but right now I want to see my old dear and make sure she is alright.” So we said our farewells and then shook hands Frank turned and walked off to catch his tram and we went off to catch ours. We caught our tram and Nobby was the next to say goodbye as he only lived a couple of stops up the route again we shook hands and said goodbye to him and he got off. That left me and Bert as the tram rattled and clattered its way over the tracks and crossways but it was not long before my stop was coming up but Bert stayed put. I said. “Are you not getting off here with me so as you can see Mabel she will be dying to see you?” He replied. “No that’s alright I told her in my last letter that I didn’t really know when we would get home so she has been staying at my house with my dad so she will be there now.” I shook hands with him and whished him and Mabel a good leave he wished the same for me and Helen and then said. “Billy Boy give Rosie my love and tell her that me and Mabel will be over to see how she is”, I nodded my acknowledgment and then turned and got off the tram. I walked down General Gordon Street and though how much had changed yet again in the short time since I had left after convalescing as I walked along a fear gripped my heart and I hoped everything was alright with Rosie. I stopped before the gate of 123 and held my breath for a moment saying a little prayer then I opened the gate and walked up the path. It had started to rain and now it was coming on heavier I approached the front door then I knocked and waited for someone to answer it I seemed to have been waiting for ever and was just about to knock again when the light in the hall came on and someone was opening the door.
As the door opened I could see haloed by the light from behind her black hair cascading down onto her shoulders the form of my Helen standing there. My heart missed a beat and I held my breath time seemed to stand still and then with my pulse racing and my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest I tried to say something. Before my words could even form let alone get out Helen was throwing herself into my arms the tears streaming down her face and strange little mewing sounds coming from her throat. I had dropped my rifle and kitbag and I now held her as tight as a Scotsman would a guinea and I am not afraid to admit that tears streamed down my face also joining and uniting with Helen’s. It seemed like years since I had last seen my love and so much had happened I wanted us to hold each other for ever loving and being loved with no war to come between us. We were both so young and yet we had been through so much surely love and youth deserved a chance at happiness. But I am afraid that at this point in history we didn’t stand much of a chance however because of the war barriers were coming down and attitudes too many things were changing for the better. Helen clung to me and whispered in my ear. “Billy Boy is it really you I have missed you more than words can say I thought my heart would burst when I saw you standing there.” I held her with desperation and whispered back. “Helen I cant believe that I am holding you there have been times when I never thought I would see you again but this makes up for all of them.” We kissed and then I picked up my rifle and kitbag and we walked into the house our arms round each other not wanting to break our physical contact. We released each other and went into the front parlour where I dropped my kit then we moved into each others arms again and Helen began to cry. I said. “Hey what’s this then I’m here and I have my leave and where together that’s all that matters my love.” She took her head from my shoulder and replied. “I’m just so glad to see you I have missed you so much and sometimes in Manchester it has been so lonely being away from here although I have made friends there. But it is your letters when I received them that kept me going.” I confided that hers had done the same for me and that without them I might not have made it this far and would have probably wallowed in a sea of despair.
We stood back holding hands at arms length and Helen said. “Poor Billy Boy all the things you have been through in this war and you so young why is it always the young that have to suffer?” I pulled her into my arms and replied. “It only seems that way love there are people of all ages suffering in this bloody war I just wish we could get it over and then we could all come home for good.” I kissed her but was a bit startled by the passion with which Helen kissed me back this was not our usual kind of embrace there was something else here what seemed to be a need and also there was a kind of promise in the kiss that I had never felt before. Helen stood back and I looked at her through new eyes now she blushed a bit but said. “I know what you are thinking but it shows how much I have missed you if you didn’t like it say so.” I managed to stutter out. “No I liked it fine it was just well a little different from our usual kisses.” She looked at me and smiled quite brazenly saying. “Put it down to living away from home if you like though its not.” She looked deep into my eyes as she continued. “We have all had our own sorrows in this war Billy Boy and the whole worlds changed and I will tell you something it will never go back to what it was. There are new attitudes about society that have changed and there is more freedom in what we choose to do and when we do it women have changed as well. Now that they are doing jobs that men used to do instead of just running the house they have become more liberated in their ways deeds and thoughts”, the passion with which she said this left me a bit stunned.
I looked again at Helen and now I saw the set to her jaw which had never been there before and now a new determination shone through. Also I could tell that the old shy Helen was gone she was no longer a girl but instead a woman in her own right with a woman’s wants and dreams. We kissed again more softly this time and all our love for each other was contained in this one embrace. Older people might say that we didn’t know what love is but I would say to them that our love was as strong and as passionate as any that they had known. We broke off the kiss and held each other at arms length again then Helen said. “Sit down Billy Boy because we need to talk I really need to tell you about Rosie and her illness”, and I could see the sadness and tears that sprung to her eyes when she related this. Sitting down in opposite chairs I took out my cigarette case and offered her a smoke she smiled tenderly when she saw the case we both took a cigarette and I lit hers first before lighting mine she blew smoke out saying. “I see you still have my Christmas present from last year I thought that you may have lost it after everything you have been through I’m glad you haven’t.” I replied. “I have carried it everywhere with me it is my good luck charm it was the first present you ever gave me when we knew that we loved each other and I will never part with it.” Tears formed in her eyes and she pulled from her blouse the locket I had given her with our photos in it as she said. “I still have your present and I never take it off it rests on my breasts a reminder and symbol of our love.” Helen shook herself and said. “We have so much to talk about love but right now we must speak about Rosie and stop getting sidetracked we will talk about us later.” She threw her fag end into the fire grate then continued. “Come on lets go through to the kitchen where it’s warm and cosy and I will make a pot of tea and I will tell you what’s going on.” So we adjourned to the kitchen and Helen brewed the tea she made it just how I liked it strong enough to stand the spoon up in and sweet.
We sat at the kitchen table and Helen began by saying. “There is really no easy way of saying this Billy Boy if there was I would spare you the pain I would rather rip my tongue out than hurt you”, she looked across at me and tears coursed down her face. I could not bear to see her like this so I said. “Hold on love please don’t upset yourself both of us together should be able to work something out for our Rosie.” Helen held her hand up in that unmistakeable gesture of hers saying. “Listen to me my love I am sorry to be the one to tell you but Rosie is dying and she has not long left I have taken indefinite leave to look after her.” I sat at the table stunned by what I had just heard of course I knew that Rosie was ill and even seriously so but I always thought that she would get better and now I learned she was going to die. The tears coursed down my face now just like Helens had and I just wanted to scream or even better kill someone at this moment I could really do serious damage to someone or something. Instead I sat at the table scared for her and for myself and trying to gather every bit of inner strength I possessed to help me cope with what was happening. I had seen a lot of death since the war began and I had lost a lot of friends but this was different Rosie along with Ma, Helen, Mabel, Beth, CSM Domby and George were the only family I had. Losing Rosie in this way would be like losing my Mother and Father again unthinkable, unbearable and heart wrenching.
Helen came round the table and sat down next to me she took me in her arms like a child and my head led on her bust as my tears wet and stained her dressing gown soaking through to her nightdress below. She crooned at me and whispered in my ear as though I was her child but then again we were both children really when you weighed it up. For all our grown up bodies and how mature we were I knew that we were still only young and at times I thought too young for what was happening our adolescent years had been taken from us. When I eventually got control of myself and my emotions Helen kissed me on the forehead and I said. “You had better tell me everything I need to know what is happening to her?” Helen replied. “The thing is Billy Boy that her lungs are failing and in a while she wont be able to breath it’s a bit like consumption her lungs are filing with fluid and she is literally drowning.” She took my hands in hers and continued. “Of course it is caused by the Liddite and Cordite that she has been working with down at the munitions factory. It destroys their lungs as well as their livers and that is why they turn that yellow colour of course we are giving her something for the pain but it is only a matter of time there is no cure darling.” She squeezed my hand saying. “She has been asking for you over and over again when is Billy Boy coming home? She really loves you with all her heart.” I looked at Helen and blushed and she smiled at me shaking her head as she said. “It’s alright love Rosie has told me all about her feelings for you she told me that she told you of her love and your answer.” I replied. “Honest Helen I would have told you but it was nothing nor could there ever be from my side I love Rosie like the sister I never had you are the only person I will love in this life or the next.” She sighed and answered. “I know that love but you must understand that when Rosie told you that she loved you she already guessed that she was seriously ill.” My mouth dropped open and I said. “Well why didn’t she say something then I asked her if she was ill or if everything was alright I even said she looked a bit peaky.” I lit another smoke wanting to break something anything but I continued. “Why didn’t she just tell me? I even told her to leave the bloody munitions factory in fact I begged her to the silly cow.” Helen looked at me with such compassion in her eyes that I nearly broke down again as she said. “Don’t be angry with her she stopped at the munitions factory because she thought the shells she was making would be used to safeguard you and keep you safe over there that’s how deep her love is for you.”
I don’t know about angry I was fucking livid why hadn’t she got out of that hell hole never mind about me why hadn’t she just stopped when I told her?” My head was whirring and my heart breaking but I could not stay angry at my golden haired little imp for long as I thought of the cheek she used to give me not long ago and the cheeky grin that came to her lips when she spoke to me the tears rolled down my face again. Helen squeezed my hands again stood up and kissed me on the top of my head and said. “We had better go up and see her she will know that you are home by now and she will be like a flea on a bed warmer and she needs to rest.” We went up stairs into a bedroom on the first floor that had been made up and was now Rosie’s sick room. As we entered I saw that it was nice cheerful room with a good fire going in the grate keeping it warm and snug and in the big double bed propped up on pillows was my Rosie. I think I must have gasped so much was I taken aback by her appearance Helen had warned me that she was very ill and dying but the person lying propped up by the pillows looked like a skeleton. Her skin was like parchment and the yellow sheen made it look worse the hair that had been a lustrous blonde was now thin dull and lifeless she held her arms out to me and they were like twigs and her face looked like a skull. The one thing that was still the same however were her sharp mischievous blue eyes they stared at me now as I walked over to the bed I hugged her but she felt like a small frail bird. She said in a voice that already sounded like it came from the grave. “Hello Billy Boy I’m so glad to see you I have been praying for you to come and here you are at last”, she released me and I stepped back. She started coughing and Helen ran to her side and held a bowl so she could spit into it the phlegm sounded like it was coming from her boots and a creaking whistling and wheezing came from her lungs. Helen used a cloth to wipe her mouth when she had finished and I saw there was blood on it Rosie slumped back onto the pillows and there was sweat on her brow and she was heaving for breath. Slowly she got her breath back but it was rasping and short I said. “Are you alright now Rosie girl you gave me quite a scare then for a few moments?” Helen looked at me and Rosie replied. “Don’t you worry about me give me a few days and I will be up and about getting your breakfast and giving you what for.”
We both knew that this was a lie but I kept up the charade saying. “That’s my girl there is no doubt that in a couple of days you will be as good as new and I will be giving you as good as I get.” I felt the tears prickling in my eyes at this banter but I held them back for a brave lass who I loved dearly. Rosie took hold of Helen’s hand and kissed it she said. “This is my angel of mercy she is a pure gem Billy Boy and as dear to me as a sister I couldn’t have asked for better care or a better nurse she has made this time bearable for me.” Helen gave her a sip of water to moisten her lips Rosie finished with it thanking Helen and saying. “It really is good to see you love I feel content now that everything is right because the two people I love most in the world are with me.” Helen came round the bed and stood beside me she whispered in my ear. “Go and sit beside the bed and keep her company while I go and get her pain medicine and sort things out for the day.” Rosie looked at us and her eyes bored into us as she said. “Listen to me I love you both dearly and I can see the love you have for each other. What I’m saying is with a love like yours there are no restrictions nothing is wrong or taboo or socially unacceptable from where I sit life is to short to bother what people think especially now”, and she started coughing again. Helen moved to go to her but Rosie stopped her saying. “Please for me spend every minute you can together and don’t let what people say or think stop you showing your love for each other you are the only people that matter”, and she settled back against the pillows again. I went and sat in the chair beside the bed and held Rosie’s skeletal hand while Helen left the room with a slight flush to her cheeks to get the pain medicine for Rosie. I looked at my friend and sudo sister led in the bed and she looked at me and said. “Well Billy Boy the war profiteers have done for me at last they have used our patriotism and love for our fighting men to kill us while they line their pockets, may they rot in hell.” I tried to shush her so she could save her energy but she continued. “You know I’m dying I know I am but I am not alone there are thousands dying and not just on the battlefields but in the factories for profit.” She settled back down and it was my turn to speak now so I told her everything that had happened since I had been away and how glad I was to be home again and to see her and that Bert and Mabel were coming round to se her. She smiled at me saying. “I know someone else who you are gladder to see than me and all of us.” I could not deny this so I didn’t try Rosie was so close to both of us that she knew what we felt for each other now more than ever.
She squeezed my hand and it felt no more than a tiny pressure on it she raised herself up onto her elbow and looked deep into my eyes saying. “Listen to me Billy Boy you must make Helen truly yours and she must make you truly hers you know what I’m talking about there is no time for waiting take it from one who is dying you must bed her.” I was truly alarmed not by what she had said for the thought had entered my head but by the pain she had suffered and the colour of her face the sheer effort it had taken to raise her self up like this. Her face was the colour of old putty and beads of sweat stood out on her forehead as she slumped back against the pillows again drained and spent. I continued to hold her hand but she was quite now the last half hour having taken its toll on her. Even though her eyes were closed I could see the pain that was etched into every crease on her face. I looked round the room properly for the first time as I took it in the smell of sickness and death invaded my nostrils. Some people may disagree but take it from me there the two aromas are totally different if a patient is just sick you can smell the cloying atmosphere. It might sound silly but death to has its own smell and it is nothing to do with decomposition death has a bouquet all of its own. It is a smell that once you have noticed it you will never forget it and it stays with you for ever. It was then that it finally hit me square between the eyes Rosie was not going to recover up until this moment I had held the faint hope that there was a chance for her but know I knew there wasn’t and it crushed me. Helen came back into the room with a covered tray she told me she would administer Rosie’s pain medication now and that it should see her through until tonight and that she would see me later. I went over and kissed Rosie on her now dry forehead that was hot and had the roughness of sandpaper about it I said. “I will see you later love I’m going to have a sleep for a bit.”
I walked over to Helen and kissed her she said to me. “Beth’s made you some breakfast its downstairs in the kitchen go and have a bite to eat and see Beth then get your head down.” I saluted her and made my way down to the kitchen there was a plate with eggs and bacon on it some buttered bread and a mug of tea I looked round for Beth but couldn’t find her then I remembered she was taking over from Helen and so I must have missed her. I ate my breakfast and the had a fag I finished this and made my way up to bed Helen had told me that one of the other large rooms had been made up for me so I went to it and opened the door walking in. It was about the size of mine and George’s old room but with only one large double bed in it I got undressed and climbed into the big bed it was comfortable and cosy and I snuggled down into it and closed my eyes. Just then there was a knock at the door and Helen walked in she shut the door and then locked it which puzzled me. She was wearing her dressing gown and I thought that she must have been getting ready for bed also then she removed it and I saw she had on her nightdress underneath. My mouth was now wide open and I looked like a demented codfish I watched not believing my eyes as she came across and climbed into the bed beside me. I tried to speak but it came out in a croak as I said. “What are you doing Helen you can’t be here with me like this?” She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said. “Please Billy Boy don’t ruin this we have so little time like Rosie said there is so much death and destruction in this war isn’t it time you and me became true lovers?” I held her close and the smell of her was like a sun kissed orchard and I buried my face into her soft raven hair that smelled of flowers. I could feel every curve of her body through the thin nightdress and I must admit that it was definitely arousing me. I turned away from her my mind in turmoil but my body responding it felt so strange and shyness overtook me. Then Helen said. “Turn back to me love for pity sake don’t you think I know what a mans body is like even naked don’t forget I’m a nurse and have seen more than my fair share.” I apologised saying. “Yes I know love I’m sorry please forgive me I was just at a loss”, and I turned back to her all my embarrassment gone.
We led there our noses nearly touching and Helen said. “I want us to do this I live with death everyday just like you and I want a chance at some life with the boy I love can you understand that?” I kissed her softly and every bit of love I felt for her was in it I did not touch her nor did she touch me. We held each other and just talked and then we fell asleep when we woke we made love for the first time it was a bit awkward at first but we laughed our way through the more embarrassing bits. Then we talk in the small talk all lovers use to one another when there is no one else in the world that matters but you two. Later on Helen said something that nearly floored me as she asked. “I bet you didn’t know that Mabel thought she was pregnant but it turned out to be a false alarm.” My eyes stood out on stalks and I nearly choked as I replied. “Pregnant I didn’t even know that they were that intimate there a pair of dark horses and no mistake I mean I knew they were in love but”, and my sentence trailed off. Helen kissed my chest and said. “Oh yes the first time was last Christmas and they have done it whenever they could since then it was what they had done that really made up my mind for me. I felt like the whole world had gone mad Bert had never said a word to me not so much as a by your leave mind you I wouldn’t have told him about me and Helen. She continued. “I take it by your response that Bert had said nothing to you about this am I right?” I replied. “I had no idea he never said so much as a word about it so I will have to watch him in future for there’s no telling what he might get up to next.” We talked on content just to hold each other and to get to know each other better in our new found intimacy we laughed a lot as lovers do at the start. It was warm and snug in the room and even more so in the big bed like I said I had the tendency to drop off in a split second and so I never heard Helen say to me. “I must go and check on Rosie now just to make sure she and Beth are all right and don’t need anything.” Neither did I hear her leave the room and so it was late afternoon by the time I finally awakened I stretched out to touch Helen but she wasn’t there so I wondered where she was and then I smiled thinking of having made love and I felt on top of the world.
I got washed and shaved and dressed in some old civvies just to potter round the house in then I went along to Helens room thinking she might have gone back there for appearances sake I knocked but there was no reply. So then I decided to see how Rosie was and if Helen was with her I knocked opened the door and went in she was propped up on her pillows but her eyes were closed and she was sleeping so I left quietly closing the door behind me. I went down stairs and into the kitchen Beth was stood at the range just taking the kettle off to make a pot of tea she beamed when she saw me. She put the kettle down after pouring water into the pot came across and kissed me saying. “I’m right pleased to see you Billy Boy how are you, have you had a good sleep?” I told her I had slept like a log and that I was just fine and then I asked. “How is Rosie doing I popped in but she was asleep”, then I asked her if she had seen Helen. She replied. “Rosie’s not too bad at the moment the pain medicine sees to that so its better she gets her rest when she can as she gets so tired what with the pain and her illness. Helen will be back later on she has gone to visit her parents but she will definitely return and she told me not to disturb you as you needed your rest as well.” I blushed a bit on hearing this and then having steeped the tea Beth put it on the table and said. “Now sit you down and I will fix you a bite to eat you must be starving after all we can’t have our hero fading away now can we?” She produced some cold beef cheese bread and butter and some onions which she had sliced and it was a regular feast. I tucked in with gusto and finished it faster than a plague of locusts in a cornfield then I lit a fag and sat talking to Beth for a while. Soon though she had to go back up to sit with Rosie in case she wakened and I was left to my own devices I wondered what to do. I didn’t fancy going to the pub and to tell the truth I was missing Helen anyway I had a few more smokes and then I went upstairs and back to bed which still smelled of Helen I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew it was teatime. There was no one in the kitchen so I made my own tea there were a couple of pork chops in the larder and I had these with a couple of eggs and may I say it was very tasty. I thought Beth would be upstairs with Rosie so I decided to go and see them of Helen there was no sign yet but I hoped she would be back soon. I went upstairs and entered Rosie’s room I saw Beth was asleep on a chair Rosie put her finger to her lips and beckoned me over to her.
I sat on the bed and we whispered to each other Rosie asked me. “Did you get a good sleep or were you to busy for that I hope you’re not tired out?” A smile played over her lips and I looked askance at her as I realised that she knew all about what me and Helen had been up to. She laughed now and said. “Don’t look so flabbergasted I took at guess at what has happened and I was right and I must say that it’s not before time with you two.” I changed the subject and we chatted about different things for quite a while but I could see that she was getting tired and so I said. “Goodnight Rosie old girl I will come and see you again tomorrow”, and I kissed her on the forehead and left just as Beth was waking up. I went to my room and stripped off and got into bed I nestled in and though over the day’s events I realised that I had left the light on and was just going to get out of bed and switch it off when the door opened. It was Helen and I watched as she turned the key in the lock switched off the light and I could hear her move over to the bed and then rustling as her clothes fell to the floor and then she had climbed in beside me and I held her naked in my arms. We revelled in each others bodies and we loved with a passion born of despair we understood each other and just let our feelings dictate our course. In the days that followed we spent as much time together as we could revelling in our love but there were other things to do and I hadn’t long on leave we had tea with Helens parents and a good night with them. However we were at the stage in out love when you wanted to spend every minute in the company of your loved one to the detriment of everyone else. However we knew that this period couldn’t last and two days later Bert and Mabel turned up to see Rosie and we all went up to her bedroom Rosie was as pleased as punch to see the two of them. We stopped and chatted to her for a while but she started to get tired and so we took our leave of her and went back downstairs. The girls went off to get tea and sandwiches for us and I went into the front parlour with Bert I had lit the fire and it was quite warm and cosy.
I looked at Bert now with new eyes knowing what he and Mabel had been up to and I still wondered that I had not suspected a thing. I opened my cigarette case and offered one to Bert he took one and we lit up as he said. “I’m sorry about Rosie Billy Boy and if there is anything I can do you just need to ask Mabel as told me most of the details of her illness.” I replied. “Thanks Bert but I don’t think there is much we can do other than keeping her spirits up and showing her how much she means to us and how much we love her.” The tears had started pricking my eyes when he said. “Helen has quite a bloom to her cheeks I don’t think I have ever seen her look more radiant there’s something on this leave agre