Tuesday, 10th October 1995
Despite the new openings I have ventured for about a year now (gym, new friends, man hunt) I still feel unsatisfied. I do get out more often than before, but there is no mental challenge in my new relationships, let alone the mittens I got from Dimitri and Themis; having often caught myself reminiscing the years of Janus, this afternoon I decided to make a phone call to Harry:
“I know I haven't been just to you, I should have explained the reason for my leaving three years ago, but now I would like to return to Janus...”
“Why do you begin with negativity?” he exclaimed at once happily.
We arranged to meet at his office in Janus as soon as possible, that is tomorrow; I am starting lessons on Friday...
Friday, 13th October 1995
As soon as I got into my classroom in Janus for the first time tonight, a good-looking lady came and sat next to me; she introduced herself as Maria Glenos and she fell into conversation with me at once. She is 48 years old but she looks younger, she is married with a daughter, and she soon made it clear she is thrilled with Alexander and his teachings. I felt comfortable with her and I was surprised at her spontaneous friendliness towards me. I am not accustomed to being treated so well...
At first Alexander looked surprised to see me in his class after three years of absence -as if he hadn't known I would come tonight. After welcoming me, he began to complain about “a woman who left Janus three years ago, without even explaining the reasons for leaving; she left because she couldn't find a boyfriend, but neither away from Janus did she find a boyfriend; maybe it's her karma, maybe its her idiosyncrasy...” (at that point I begin to suspect he means me) “She has asked to return to Janus lately, I accepted, but I know she will leave again soon; nevertheless, I am not going to take her back for a second time, I won't allow such a disciple to come back...”
Monday, 23rd October 1995
This afternoon I finished the fifth volume of my illustrated manuscripts “Sandra Anderson - Astral Fantasy”. I consider this book to be the culmination of the whole series, as it is the most well-written, with the most impressive illustrations. It contains only two stories.
The contacts I noticed were few and they were all in the second story: a) I write and illustrate a scene where Sandra fights with gigong sticks. A few hours later Josef, my nephew, holds two similar sticks and acts as if he were fighting with them. b) I write and illustrate a scene where Sandra hits Venor on the neck with her elbow. In the same evening, my sister accidentally hits Milena, her best friend, on the neck with her elbow.
Saturday, 11th November 1995
Early in the morning Denia called and we arranged to meet at Filopappos Hill this afternoon, together with three other girls she has recently met through correspondence: Helen Tanagra is 21 years old, tall and plump; she has a beautiful face, she looks nice and quiet and she happens to live in Glyfada. Helen Tandoulou is 24 years old, she knows four foreign languages and she gives private lessons to children. Xanthippe Malamos is 25 years old, she has impressive, long black hair and she works as a secretary in a shipping company in Varkiza.
At first I liked Xanthippe, she looked cheerful and talkative, but soon she proved to be a spirit of contradiction. She always argues to any opinion, spoiling any conversation. I did have a very nice time with the girls this evening, but Xanthippe got on my nerves because she kept objecting to anything we said.
...The fact is that I, the “misfit”, have met quite a few new friends lately; although these persons look for friends in classified ads, they prove to be more positive and well-disposed than the so called “normal” people. They may be conservative, stressed, lonely, but they show a genuine desire for new experiences and they are more innocent, more sincere than the majority of the people I know.
Tuesday, 28th December 1995
Night Adventure: Aliens, which look like gigantic parasites, invade the earth. A young couple consists their biggest enemy. The two of them discover an alien womb in an isolated building; it looks glassy, it is full of alien monsters and it gets bigger and bigger, moment by moment. Suddenly, the womb grows long, bird-like legs. The girl informs the boy at once. He runs and overturns the “temperature bars”; the environment gets cold and this suspends the growth of the womb. The young couple run fast so as to save themselves, while the womb, with its ugly bird-like legs, chases them along the road...?
There is a matter that has been bothering me a lot recently: A few days ago old-Zarifis died. Since he lived right next to me, pretty soon one of his two grandsons, Takis, will take his apartment. He is already moving in, making a lot of noise all day today. The problem is he will be living right on the other side of the wall – he, his electric guitar, his stereo and his mania for rock music on full blast. I have very bad forebodings already...
* * * *
Sunday, 14th January 1996
It's been about two months I have been meeting Helen Tandoulou and Helen Tanagra quite often. The three of us have a good time together, yet Tandoulou sets me thinking sometimes: On one hand she is intelligent and knowledgeable about many subjects; on the other hand she is rather bossy and obsessed with religion; she is also a scrooge, counting every cent she is to pay. She always wants us to meet no later than 6:00 in the afternoon so that she can be back home by 10:00, because she is afraid of being out at night, she says. What bothers me most, is that she often tries to be clever and she likes slighting the others -especially me.
Last night we went out to a nice cafeteria at Kalogiron Square and she managed to piss me off with her malignant hints: She dislikes my going to the gym (“Only women of easy virtue do aerobics”), my living in Glyfada (“certain persons think they are aristocrats just because they live in Glyfada”), my speaking foreign languages just like she does (“Actually, you don't know any language since you don't have a university degree” -she doesn't either). I usually act the fool lest I should lose my new friend...
Friday, 16th February 1996
The main reason I decided to return to Janus is the quest for spiritual development, as well as a wider social circle. Unfortunately, the Janus of today has nothing to do with the Janus of 1990: First of all, we are hardly given any knowledge, since we never complete a subject. We don't even practice meditation in class. Moreover, the monthly fee has risen to 12,000 drachmas and, almost every time, it is the exclusive topic of the lesson: “Certain ungrateful people, who are unworthy disciples, always delay their monthly fee and Janus faces serious financial problems because of them” Alexander keeps harping on the same string, vexing me more and more every time. I guess he could be right about some persons, but what about the rest of us who pay regularly? Why do we have to endure all this nonsense in every lesson? He also talks about necessary “extra contributions” that we, like good disciples, ought to make often and eagerly. I just can't hear this any more.
There is also something else: Every time, after the lesson, I suggest our going for a drink at Fokionos Negri Square -just like we did some years ago- but none of the other disciples seems to like the idea; in fact, they all seem to detest it. My only friend there is Mary Glenos. She occasionally calles me and we chat on the phone for half an hour or so, but she avoids arranging an outing with me. As about her 22-year-old daughter, I was surprised to know she is in the same class in Janus; strangely enough, mother and daughter never sit next to each other and they seldom talk before or after the lesson. Unless Mary had told me, I wouldn't know who her daughter is...
Friday, 23rd February 1996
Returning from Janus this evening, as I walked into Dardanellion street, not far from my home, all at once I had a sudden realization: The road behind me no longer exists; a new road unfolds before me; time and space around me changes moment by moment, step by step; every moment, a world dies and a world is born...
This is how I suddenly got the Key to Awareness – which allows me to experience the interrelation between time and space, to experience death and birth every moment, always expecting the unforeseeable.
And a strange coincidence: In the very next lesson at Janus, Alexander will speak about the awareness of time and space! Does he really have exceptional psychic powers?
Saturday, 24th February 1996
One of the positive aspects of the Janus case is that I have found my good old friends, Aphrodite and Theano, again. We occasionally meet at Aphrodite's, just like we used to some years ago, and we revel in long, delightful conversations about our favourite subjects: parapsychology, psychic experiences, lucid dreaming and the like. I can say we still share a strong inner relationship and we get along very well.
Nevertheless, I often suspect -from askance looks, certain phrases, bored movements- that Aphrodite doesn't really like such discussions. Besides, she is obviously more interested in sex than metaphysics now. As she explained to me this evening, when I visited her, during the three years we have been apart she has gone steady with lots of men, until she ended up in a yearlong relationship with a woman! Anyway, for the time being she is single; she doesn't have any love affair of any kind...
Wednesday, 28th February 1996
I have arranged to meet Helen Tanagra this evening and suggested we go to “Onar”, a wonderful cafeteria in Argyroupolis: the decoration reminds of ancient Greece, as there are white columns, sculpted pediments, earthen vessels, artificial but life-like plants, supposed archaeological finds enclosed in glass show-cases on the floor, fine rock music, pleasant ambiance.
However, as soon as we reach the threshold at 9:00 o' clock, suddenly Helen stays still as if she were rooted to the spot. “I'm not going in there, it's too dark!” she declares sharply. I try to make her change her mind, assuring her that I have been in this cafeteria before, that the environment is alright, that there is no danger -in vain: Helen remains as solid as a rock. I have no other alternative but run all the way to Vouliagmenis Avenue together with her, wait for the bus to Glyfada and finally end up in a colourless cafeteria of the common run.
Soon Helen proves to be boring and insecure, as she barely has anything to say; in fact, every word has to be screwed out of her. Moreover, she is always trying to prettify her public image -rather awkwardly I'd say: Tonight, once again she told me she has a love affair with a young man from Crete, yet they only phone each other. She also trumpets forth that all men go crazy about her, despite her 120 kilos, and that she has studied microbiology - yet, she has never set foot in the university. From now on I will avoid going out with her only, as she is a mollycoddle and she hardly talks...
Monday, 4th March 1996
For some months now I have been meeting Christina on the bus to work every day. We always sit together and chat pleasantly as, despite her young age, we have many common interests and we keep good company to each other. Especially this morning, she revealed to me many things about herself: She is 23 years old, very sociable and popular, with a large circle of friends! I talked to her about myself too, adding a fib or two, that I also have many friends and that I often go out to discos and clubs. She was impressed and she suggested my joining her party! I accepted at once, full of joy. Then we exchanged phone numbers and she told me she would talk to the others about me. “Tomorrow morning I will let you know about our next outing!” she concluded smiling.
I am on cloud nine! At last, I will start going out with a large, cheerful party of young people, one of those I always envied but never had the chance to approach -not even in a summer night dream!
Tuesday, 5th March 1996
It is early in the morning and I am at the bus station, waiting impatiently for Christina to turn up. However time goes by slowly and she is nowhere to see. The bus is already leaving when I see her arriving; she is running as fast as she can, yet she misses the bus for two seconds! Maybe tomorrow, I hope.
...Nevertheless, I am never going to meet Christina again. For some strange reason, she will never appear at the bus station again. I will call her twice until the end of the month, I will propose our going out together, she will promise to call me back, but no; I will never see or hear from her again.
Doubts: Something very suspicious is going on under the surface of reality. Everything looks like a foul play -but what part is mine in all this performance? There are dark forces controlling our existence (fate, nature, time, genes) and our lives (secret orders, networks, institutions) with obscure purposes. I can't predict everything, I can't escape from everything. It's time I got used to the idea.
Neither can I believe all the rubbish propagandized by modern cults, that there is a balance between Good and Evil in the universe. On the contrary, it is crystal clear to me that Evil prevails everywhere. For example, when an infant has an accident and is paralyzed for the rest of his life, I can never swallow the tale that “this event serves an invisible but good purpose” or “his soul chose this because he needs this experience”, or “he is punished for something bad he did in his past life” and all that paranoiac piffle. Let's face the truth: The world we live in is very far from perfect…