Sunday, 10th March 1996
It's been about a month now that I've been friends with Diana, whom I met in the gym. She is 26 years old, she has studied French Literature, she is a successful sales manager in a big company which trades in books, she gets a monthly salary of 240,000 drachmas, and she has a rich social life. In two words, she is a normal person! I can hardly believe she and I have become friends!
At first she makes a good impression to me, as she proves to be an intelligent, interesting, dynamic person, entirely different from all the other friends I've had so far. On the other hand, any time I tell her about my problems at work, such as continuous computer breakdowns, she jumps at the opportunity to belittle and offend me: “But what are you, a nitwit? Don't you know how to fix a system error by yourself?” … “What kind of company is this you work for? I think your boss is a niggard!” … “People who do office work are stupid!”
I began to suspect what's going on with her last night, when we went out together and she revealed more details about her job: As a sales manager, she controls some teams of commercial travellers. Mostly they sell in Athens, but they also travel all over Greece and sell books door to door.
“Peasants are very easy to handle: Before they know it, they are persuaded to buy expensive encyclopedias, which they pay by monthly installments!” Diana said complacently.
“How is this possible? As far as I know, people hardly open their doors to travelling salesmen!” I retorted, but Diana was ready to answer:
“People do open their doors and buy whatever they are told, if the salesman knows his job!”
According to Diana, travelling salesmen are superhuman beings, a lot superior to the average person. Firstly, they attend some special seminars which render them omnipotent speakers, able to persuade anyone to do anything; moreover, they get exceptional knowledge of psychology, so that they can control perfectly the subconscious of a potential customer, making him or her buy whatever they want, no matter how expensive or useless it is...
Tuesday, 19th March 1996
Like any time we go out together for a coffee, once again this afternoon Diana is trumpeting forth how proud she is of her job. She believes she is great at what she does and she likes bragging about it: “A good sales manager, like me, is irreplaceable! Not like all those stupid office clerks who are all disposable!”
Then, full of arrogance, she claims it is very easy for a travelling salesman to earn as much as 600,000 drachmas per month, whereas the basic salary of an office employee is no more than 140,000 drachmas. “They are losers, who stupidly make do with 140,000 drachmas a month; they are cyphers, all of them!” she cries pompously and goes on with an air of profundity: “A businessman wants to earn as much as possible, this is natural! He will pay you as little as he can, unless you prove to him you deserve to be given something more!” … “A clever businessman will hire a secretary who will work for him for a month or so ''on trial'', then he will tell her she is incompetent and he will fire her without paying her a dime; then he will hire another stupid chick who will work for him for another month without payment, then another one will take her place, and so on, until he finds the one who will satisfy him fully” harangues Diana, showing her admiration for bosses.
When I tell her I earn no more than 160,000 drachmas per month, she looks at me scornfully and says: “You work in the production department, I work in the sales department -that's the difference! There is only one kind of work that's worth the while today, and this is sales!” she concludes triumphantly.
“Yes, but I work only six hours a day, whereas you work ten hours and you aren't paid any overtime! If I worked so many hours as you, I would earn more than 250,000 per month!” I reply and she shuts up.
Tuesday, 26th March 1996
This afternoon I saw Diana at the gym, we had an aerobics lesson and then, as we were leaving together, she revealed to me some more interesting details about her job; in fact, she didn't hesitate at all to describe -always with an air of importance- a fixed fraud committed by the company she works for: It all starts with an advertisement they place in the newspaper every week, looking for new commercial travellers; they offer an alluring basic salary, as well as commission on the sales, plus social security.
“What if someone doesn't sell enough in a month?” I wonder.
“Every would-be salesman signs a contract which contains a penal clause: If the salesman doesn't sell enough within the first month of work, which is ''on trial'', they are not only fired without being paid but they also have to pay 50,000 drachmas to the company!” she explains with glowing eyes.
“Amazing! Maybe I could organize a trick like this so as to earn some serious money!” I exclaim spontaneously.
“Our company offers you two weeks of free seminars!” snorts Diana. “These lessons provide you with all the knowledge you need so as to manipulate customers and sell books. If you don't sell, it means you are a moron and the company has suffered a loss by allowing you to participate in the seminars. So, they do what's right: they fire you, they don't give you a dime and they make you pay the penal clause!”
“What if someone refuses to pay?”
“If anyone dares oppose to us, our team of lawyers will take their pants!”
“I bet the company earns more from penal clauses than from book sales!” I conclude.
...That explains it: I have heard about certain persons lately who, although they are illiterate, have become successful travelling salesmen and earn up to 700,000 drachmas per month! Taking into account that a salesman's commission is no higher than 10%, how do they manage to make sales of 7,000,000 drachmas every month? What do they really sell? Encyclopedias? Come on now! Nowadays you can find cheap and voluminous encyclopedias in bookstores or, even, on offer in newspapers! Why would anyone pay dearly a commercial traveller? Unless they sell other things, other ''services'', instead of books...
Tuesday, 11th June 1996
I barely go out with Diana anymore, I don't like her and she doesn't like me; yet I still meet her at the gym. This afternoon she looked distracted but triumphant, as she showed me two or three circular bruises on her right hand; looking at them more carefully, I saw they were bites.
“Did a dog bite you?” I asked her.
“No! It was a would-be saleswoman!” she answered, and I was flabbergasted.
Then, with an air of importance, she narrated the whole story to me: Yesterday morning a young woman came into Diana's office; she aspired to become a professional commercial traveller, she was beautiful and well-dressed, with a pleasant personality; in two words, she looked suitable for the job. She also signed the contract without reading the “small letters” -just like most candidates do. However, as soon as she realized the fraud (too late), she pounced on Diana and fought very hard to grab the contract from her hands and tear it up -she even bit her! Unfortunately for the girl, in the end she didn't manage to get the contract.
“Our lawyers are going to put her into very serious trouble!” went on Diana, glowing with exhilaration. “I have already sued her, because that imbecile bit a nerve on my hand and I can't close it well now!” – humbug: there is nothing wrong with Diana's hand. “I will ask her to make amends to me for this injury, I can demand three million drachmas at least, our lawyers say! Woo is her, who dared tangle with me!” Diana burst out, full of anger.
“Will it be so simple? Won't she also hire a lawyer?”
“Nobody can confront the lawyers of our company!” Diana exclaimed, obviously vexed. “Their main job is to take care of all those nitwits who refuse to pay the penal clause!” While shouting, she got even more exasperated: “My fair lady, you were stupid enough to sign the contract! So, pay the fifty thousand and let us be!” she screamed like a drama actress.
After we had left the gym, Diana stopped at a telephone booth so as to phone her lawyer, as she told me. I stood at a distance and waited, but she kept shouting – I guess on purpose, because she wanted me to hear and envy her: “So, I can ask for even more money... four million drachmas... maybe more! Fine, fine! Thank you very much!” … “You saw?” she smiled to me cunningly as soon as she hung up. “That's why you must always have a lawyer handy! Better yet, have not only one, but many! In this way, you can make a lot of money from suckers! I am going to leave that bitch penniless!” she concluded triumphantly.
“Why don't you send her to me too? I need some millions of drachmas too!”
“But... but she won't make the same mistake again!” Diana stuttered; obviously, she didn't get the irony.
“Tell her to come and find me in Pangaea, on the fifth floor! She shouldn't go to the third floor, the bosses are there and they don't need any more money! I do!” I kept on pulling her leg.
I will never find out how this story ends. I will see Diana at the gym two more times till the end of the month and that's all...
Tuesday, 18th June 1996
This evening I had an unexpected phone call from Rena, one of the most “advanced” disciples in Janus -she also happens to be the secretary of the centre. With remarkable politeness, as well as subtle pressure, she asked me to translate (free of charge, of course) Alexander's book “Self-knowledge and Metaphysics” from Greek into English as soon as possible, so that they can present it at the Book Fair of Frankfurt in October.
I accepted willingly, because I wanted to show good will, obedience and a spirit of service to the leaders of Janus, hoping they will eventually begin to like me. Right from tomorrow I will start working on the translation feverishly, aiming to finish it by the end of summer. It should be noted that the book is rather badly-written...
Thursday, 20th June 1996
As I was informed by an advertisement posted up all over the city of Athens, a famous lama has just arrived in Greece. He is of European origin but he has spent many years in Tibet; for many years now, he has been travelling all over the world teaching Tibetan Buddhism. This afternoon he is giving a lecture about how to face unhappiness. He seems to be a very agreeable person, and the subject interests me a lot; moreover, the lecture is taking place at a centre of Buddhism which is only some metres away from Aphrodite's house!
I wish to attend the lecture but I would rather not go alone, so at about noon I phone Aphrodite and let her know. I expect her to be enthusiastic about it, yet I am nonplussed at her immediate frigidity: “I have nothing to do this afternoon, but I am not in the mood of going to such a lecture, I had better stay home alone,” she announces in a low voice and leaves me wondering, since she has always given me the impression of being very interested in such matters. I try to bring her round, she resists, I emphasize I will come all the way from Glyfada, while she will only have to walk some metres; she grumbles a little more and finally she says in a plaintive voice: “Alright, Yvonne, I will come. But you should know I will do so just because a friend is asking me to, there is no other reason!”. I don't like this conclusion, but I act the fool so as to achieve my goal.
We meet outside the centre of Buddhism at 8:00 o' clock. I wonder again, because Aphrodite doesn't seem to be bored or sulky now, she looks cheerful and lively. The lama proves to be quite agreeable and interesting, he answers all questions carefully and diplomatically, he surely knows how to win his audience over to his views. He speaks English and one of his disciples translates his words into Greek. At a moment, he advises us: “When bad things happen to you, instead of thinking ''I am unhappy'', you had better think ''There is unhappiness in the world''. In this way, you won't be feeling like a target any more!”
This statement makes me think because it breaks the Ego; on the other hand, it is a reasonable way to fight that dominant impression I have had ever since I was an infant: I have never stopped feeling like a target of visible and invisible evil forces, though I often try to ignore it. Maybe this feeling is nothing more than selfishness in disguise -according to the lama and most gurus...
* * * *
Wednesday, 31st July 1996
The truth is I am disappointed from life. No matter how hard I try to achieve something in any field of life, the result is always poor or naught. That's why I have returned to Janus, that's why I am ready to go to Alexander's asram again, despite the fiasco of '92. This time I am even willing to pay 90,000 drachmas for ten days. The price includes accommodation in tents and full board. On the other hand, this is the best proposal for holidays I've had this summer. I know I won't have a good time but I am leaving tomorrow morning...
Sunday, 11th August 1996
All things considered, it was much nicer than I thought; the asram has been improved a lot since 1992: A spacious cottage has been built to the west, and another one is under construction nearby. To the south there is a vast field of cultivated vegetables. The central field is still full of nut-trees at the shadow of which we have set up our tents. In the middle there is a picturesque pond full of goldfish; it is decorated with a wooden bridge, stone banks and a green islet with a palm-tree on top. To the east they have constructed a big tank, which receives water from the spring and serves mostly as a swimming pool. To the north there is a well-built stone wall; behind it, the thick forest of fir-trees.
Every day we followed a specific routine which, although it restricted our freedom a little, made life simpler: In the morning we performed various tasks such as cooking, cleaning the house and the lavatories, washing the dishes etc. I also managed to finish the translation of “Self-Knowledge and Metaphysics” from Greek into English - that's about 200 pages in one and a half month! To my surprise, though, I found out the same task had been assigned to Danae, who had hardly finished the first chapter!
In the afternoon we all went to the swimming pool; we swam from 5:00 to 6:00 every day, together with the three huge dogs that roamed about the estate: one belongs to Alexander and the other two belong to close disciples of his. Very soon the water was full of dog hairs but nobody ever complained. I only wondered: Couldn't the animals swim right after we had come out of the pool?
In the evenings, all twenty of us gathered around the big table outside the cottage. Some guys played the guitar and we all sang various songs, Greek or foreign, under the stars. It felt wonderful...
During my stay in the asram I also had the opportunity to improve my relationship with Maria Glenos, with whom I shared the tent. We took part in interesting discussions, we played volleyball with the others, we walked to the nearby village every afternoon. On the fourth day, I was happy to see Aphrodite and Theano arrive at the asram.
In general, we all got along very well; in fact, I was surprised to realize there were no whims, disagreements, or quarrels among us during these ten days in the asram; I mean, if you take twenty “normal” persons and send them on holidays together, pretty soon they won't be able to tolerate each other. When I explained these thoughts of mine to Maria, she commented that “The guru has done a very good job with his disciples.”
In the morning of my departure, as we were all sitting around the big table taking breakfast, Alexander turned to me and thanked me for the translation I finished so quickly. According to his publisher, I have done “a very good job, but the book has changed style”. Then he turned to another disciple and proposed her correcting my translation, so that the text will return to its original style. I smiled and accepted the guru's review – which was nothing more than one of his tricks for breaking Egos. I only explained that when a book is translated into another language, it inevitably changes style.
So, that was my reward for the hard, specialized and unpaid work of one and a half month: The guru talked to me for ten whole minutes (something unprecedented within the five years in total I have attended Janus), he advised me to wear more modern clothes and nicer glasses, and he made clear that men avoid me because of my high intelligence and strong personality. He also acknowledged my discovery about the awareness of time and space; “Yet, if your Ego is satisfied by it, you are in danger of losing the way,” he concluded.
Tuesday, 27th August 1996
Yesterday I came back from the island of Corfu, where I spent five days together with Helen Tandoulou and Vlassis, her retarded brother. Of course we went there on an organized trip, of course I stayed in my own single room. I know well how wayward my friend is...
During those five days of vacations, Helen didn't stop for a minute criticizing or belittling me over trifles. Especially at noon, when I was hungry and I wanted to go to a restaurant and eat something decent, Helen screamed that restaurants are too expensive, that we ought to eat nothing more than a souvlaki in hand, and that “certain people are like pigs, all they care about is food, food, food!”. As about her brother, he didn't utter a word; he only followed obediently. Undoubtedly, he came with us just because his religious parents had compelled him to, so as to guard his sister's virginity!
At least, we did visit some wonderful places: Pontikonisi, Mon Repos, Barbati, Achilleion, Paleokastritsa, Benitses, Pelekas etc. I enjoyed every moment, although Helen wouldn't stop grumbling: “Isn't this a nasty beach!” … “There is nothing but old ruins here!” … “We were ripped off in that taverna!” -let alone her ironic remarks:
“You like that guy, so what? When you look like an old witch, such a man will never fancy you!”
“Happiness isn't only to do what you want; happiness is also not to do what you don't want,” I answered but I don't think she got it.
My company in that trip was really bad, but fortunately we met three other young women from the group, with whom we arranged night outings to the clubs of Corfu, despite Helen's neurotic objections: “Why go to those sinks of debauchery which, moreover, are too expensive?”. Yet, she and her brother always followed us to those “sinks of debauchery” and we all had a fine time there...
Saturday, 21st September 1996
Tonight Pangaea is giving a reception at a big hotel in Athens, so as to celebrate the completion of the 15-volume encyclopedia “Arts in the World”. All employees have been invited (about eighty persons), all but two: Helen Roussos and me, although both of us belong to the team who worked for this encyclopedia: Helen as a proof-reader, I as an editor's secretary. “I am sorry about our bosses' boorishness, girls” said Mrs Julia, our chief editor.
Not that I care about this, yet I wonder: Why weren't we invited? Are Helen and I the only ones in the company who don't belong to high society? Or are we the only ones who don't belong to a network? I just wonder...
Wednesday, 25th September 1996
It was almost midnight when I got on the bus home after an outing with my friends. As I walked inside, I suddenly saw a man's hand snap its fingers before me, so as to distract my attention. I turned and faced Emmanuel, a tall, muscular, handsome guy who used to come to the gym. He started talking to me happily, and he clearly showed his interest in me! We got off at the same bus stop, we exchanged telephone numbers and we parted with a friendly kiss on the cheek. I was feeling very excited, I could hardly believe my good luck!
I was about to cross Hymettus avenue, when I noticed something very strange on the pavement at the opposite side of the street. I tried to discern what it was and I refused to believe my eyes: “What is this? What is this now?” I soliloquized and then, as I took two steps towards it, I saw it clearly: It was a dog lying on its back, with its legs stretched to the sky; its body looked bloated, as if it had been drowned! I observed more carefully, hoping to have seen wrong -but no... My heart was beating fast as I walked away, choosing to ignore completely that sinister sign of fate...
Saturday, 12th October 1996
Seeing that Emmanuel hasn't phoned me so far, this morning I decided to call him. He sounds happy to hear me and we arrange to meet at 11:00 at night. It is impossible for him to go out earlier, he says.
We agree to go to a nearby pizzeria which, especially today, offers as much pizza as we want at the low price of 1300 drachmas. Right from the start, the gentleman makes it clear he has no intention of paying for me; I wouldn't expect him to do so, anyway.
In the beginning, we talk about ages: Emmanuel is only 21 years old -I thought he was older- and I lie to him I am 26. All my friends believe I am that old, because I do look a lot younger than my age. However, I am not sure whether he believes it too: “So, you are 26? Alright, no problem,” he says enigmatically.
Then we talk about education and jobs. He seems to be quite proud of working as a doorman in a certain club in Athens, where there is traffic in drugs and sex in the toilets. He has only finished junior high school but he considers himself superior to university graduates, since he earns a lot of money from his job. He becomes ironic when I tell him I speak four languages and I work as an editor's secretary in a publishing company: “You have spent many years at school but now you make a lot of money!” he mocks.
After a while, he looks bored and nervous: “We shouldn't have come here! You should have invited me home, so as to spend a nice night together!” he snorts. As soon as he realizes I don't intend to do so, he can barely hide his exasperation. In a rather aggressive manner, he starts interrogating me about my experience in love. When I lie to him that I have some previous experience but not much, he spits out scornfully: “When I was in junior high school, all my classmates, boys and girls, had sexual relationships! And we sniffed at those girls who were still virgins at the age of 13!”
At least he is kind enough to escort me home; the time is 2:00 am now. At a moment he holds my hand – probably hoping for a night of wild sex. As we reach the corner of Nereid street, I show him where my apartment is. Then, without my expecting it at all, he pauses and seeks to kiss and hug me. I try to respond accordingly but he senses my embarrassment at once:
“Hey, what's that?” he cries in disapproval.
“You took me by surprise,” I excuse myself.
“Oh, no, no, I'll pass!” he exclaims in abhorrence and, without my realizing what's going on, he pushes me away. I just look at him dumbfounded.
“We had better be friends only, nothing else!” he adds nervously and he takes his hand off mine. “Call me,” he says as he goes away hastily.
This is what I intend to do soon -until next morning. Suddenly, I am so gloomy and confused, and I don't feel like seeing Emmanuel ever again. By the way: Why do I always feel so sad after a date with a man? Why do they all make me feel like a retard or a failed whore right from the first date? Why am I so unlucky? Or am I not? Are, maybe, all men villains by nature?
Saturday, 16th November 1996
Miracles do happen! After many months of negotiations, I finally managed to persuade some guys from Janus to arrange an outing tonight! So, seven of us met at a nice cafeteria in Exarchia, at 7:00 o' clock in the evening. The place, with its thick white walls, the rustic furniture and the cosy atmosphere, reminded of a country house.
For about an hour we were all having a nice time, until we started talking about unemployment which is getting worse and worse in our country year after year. Having in mind Helen Tandoulou, who earns a living as a private tutor, I said: “It is true there are hardly any good jobs nowadays, that's why many people are forced to do odd jobs, like private lessons. For example, a friend of mine gives private lessons of English and she is the best of all!”
Compact ice! Everybody froze! The atmosphere around me became an impenetrable wall of ice! All at once I felt a violent separation from the others, a strong, massive, absolute disapproval. I was astonished to realize everyone had been irreparably offended by that last statement of mine. Right after, there was a lot of murmuring around the table.
Constantine and Eva (a middle-aged couple who have nothing to do with private lessons) were already in a hurry to leave: “It's time we old folks went home!” said Eva with a hypocritical smile on her face. George and Ann (snob music teachers, obviously insulted) also wanted to leave immediately: “Let's go and give some private lesson, so as to earn a dime,” said George bitterly. Mary Glenos, who was sitting next to me, stayed taciturn. The only one who didn't seem to be offended was Jimmy, a young physicist who works as a private tutor.
We stood up and left the place hastily, at about 8:15. Jimmy suggested he and I should go and sit somewhere else, but the whole incident had spoilt my fun and I was not in the mood for anything like that...
Friday, 27th December 1996
Last night my friend Aphrodite called and invited me to the celebration she and Stephanie (her co-tenant) are having tonight. “It is Stephanie's name-day tomorrow, we have invited many people and we are going to have lots of fun!” she told me cheerfully.
It is 8:00 o' clock in the evening now, and I knock on their door full of excitement, ready for a happy night with a large party -such joys are rare for me. I won't go to Janus tonight, where I normally have a lesson at 9:00. Tonight I intend to enjoy myself.
When I get in, the two women welcome me cordially. As I can see, I am the second guest to arrive, after Stephanie's sister. After a while, Stephanie and her sister go and sit alone in the big living room, where they chat in low voices. Aphrodite and I stay in the kitchen.
At a moment the phone rings. As I can hear, it is someone from Janus and they have called to wish many happy returns to Stephanie. They speak with Aphrodite too, and when she hangs up she comes to me with a box of cupcakes in her hands. Then, like a bold from the blue, she announces to me:
“Yvonne, now that you will go to Janus, give them these cupcakes and say they are from me!”
I don't get it immediately and I just stare at her dumbfounded. Aphrodite repeats slowly. It takes me a few minutes to realize what's going on.
“Why are you sending them cupcakes?” asks Stephanie, who happens to enter the kitchen at that moment.
“They called and wished many happy returns,” explains Aphrodite, rather thoughtful.
“So, what? Shall we let them fuck us?” mocks the other one and leaves the room.
In the meantime many guests have arrived and gathered in the living room. For about half an hour I sit and talk with them happily, as if nothing were going on. Yet, at about 8:55 I stand up and bid farewell because “I must go now”. This is not what I had planned, but eventually I will spend this Friday night at Janus; at least, it is just a few-minutes walk from here.
“Yvonne, we didn't talk enough this time; I hope you are not angry at me!” my friend says, as I go down the stairs with the box of cupcakes in hand.
“What are you talking about? Of course not!” I assure her and disappear from her life for ever.
I didn't hear a word from that lesson. I was only feeling a deep grief growing fast inside me, turning into a dark ocean of self-pity and desperation. I could feel my face being contorted with sadness. Alexander noticed and showed an interest. Naturally, I refused to explain in class what and how. “I only hope I am not the one who caused this,” he said, and then he tried to make me feel better by revealing to the class that “Yvonne is an unselfish person indeed: she was willing to translate ''Self-knowledge and Metaphysics'' from Greek into English free of charge, she did her best and finished it within a month!”. I appreciated his attempt to cheer me up at this hard time -but it was in vain: I was still feeling miserable, as if all the whole world were falling apart before me...
Saturday, 28th December 1996
Truth hurts: After that celebration in Aphrodite's house yesterday, from where I was actually turned away, I must face a truth I have known for a long time but refused to see up to now: For years and years I have been trying to become “sociable”, “agreeable”, “lovely”, yet all I have achieved is beat the air! Human beings have never liked me and they have always sought to crash me by labelling me as “stupid”, “unsociable”, “a loser”, “a misfit” and so on. On the other hand, I often act in a neurotic manner, like a typical victim of a self-realized prophesy. When everybody tr