Thursday, 8th August 1991
Yesterday I returned to Athens after 17 days of vacations in England, where I went together with my father and one of his sisters, aunt Tassia. We stayed at Temple Fortune, a suburb of London, at aunt Miranda's house. We decided to go there on occasion of cousin Thelma's wedding.
In overall, I had a fine time: In the mornings we visited parks, museums, and other sights of London: Madam Tussaud's, Rock Circus, the Tower of London, London Dungeon, St Paul's Cathedral, Windsor Castle, etc. One night we went to the casino, together with Thelma and her husband: I played roulette and lost five pounds in five minutes. Yet, I liked the environment: Luxury, devoutness, controlled tension. Since I didn't have any more money to play, I stood by the roulette and concentrated on number 11; The ball hit 11 twice, three times it hit the number next, almost every time it hit two or three numbers away from 11...
The afternoons were rather boring: I had nothing to say to all these well-to-do, conceited relatives – they didn't pay much attention to me, anyway. Especially aunt Tassia wouldn't miss a chance to express her contempt for me (“You look like a loser!”) and her admiration for my sister (“Alice is a fly customer, a go-getter, the devil incarnate!”). Moreover, we slept on the same bed, she snored continuously like a chainsaw, and her huge bulk (150 kilos) almost pushed me out of bed. I hardly got any sleep during those 16 endless nights...
Tuesday, 20th August 1991
There was a bad accident this morning: My sister and her friend Milena, together with husbands and children, went on a day trip to Catramonison, a small island off the coast of Voula, in Antony's boat. The men were absent for hours underwater fishing, while the women and children were having fun at the seaside.
At a moment, little Josef hid behind some boats in the shallows and started swallowing sea water without being seen by anyone. When they found him, he had already lost his senses. Fortunately, someone had a speedboat, so they managed to take the kid to the Aesculapius Hospital in Voula in time. When my parents and I got there, Josef was still unconscious, Alice was weeping and wailing, and Antony was threatening her furiously: “If the child dies, I will kill you!”. Finally the infant came to himself but he was diagnosed with pneumonia, so he was transferred to the Children's Hospital in Athens, where he will stay for a few days.
As soon as we returned home, the telephone rang: It was Lucas Zafirakis and asked me if I could “pop down” to his office in New Smyrni, so as to help him with an urgent job! “I can't pop down, because we had an accident this morning and my two-year-old nephew almost drowned” I replied. So, Mrs Dina came here and brought a two-page text for me to translate, because the boss considered his new secretary incapable of doing that. I finished the translation quickly, Mrs Dina paid me, and that was the end of it. It was a strange coincidence, though, that Lucas happened to need me urgently on this very day...
Saturday, 31st August 1991
Mum and I are on the island of Salamis, and we are going to spend the whole weekend at aunt Mary's cottage. Six-year-old Yanni is with us, and he is always a handful. Why did my mother insist on dragging him along? Can't she live two days without my sister's spoilt children? Anyway, we are having a good time here: We go for walks in the village or to the seaside and we have lively conversations in aunt's spacious veranda.
In the afternoon, as the kid and I were walking along the earthen road, we heard loud folk music coming from a neighbour's cottage. As soon as we were right outside that house, we heard a deep man's voice on the radio: “Hello Yanni, you young toughie!”. We both laughed spontaneously at the coincidence. In the distance, up on the mountain, I could discern Mary Psomiades' cottage, where I spent a carefree week in the summer of '77...
Friday, 9th September 1991
Night Adventure: I am in a fast-food restaurant together with my friend Lena, but I find the waitresses' behaviour strange: They serve Lena immediately but they ignore me entirely. As time goes by, I get more and more nervous; I protest again and again, but they always tell me “Just wait a sec”. A waitress is sitting at a table nearby and all is does is stare at me with an ironical mien.
“Why aren't you serving me?” I ask her.
“Just wait a sec,” she answers mockingly and I get angry.
“I'll go somewhere else to eat!” I say and get up.
I am out of the restaurant now, but I suddenly change my mind. Why should I always be the victim? I think. I go back and demand to see the boss. The waitresses refuse to lead me to him, so I go up the stairs alone; I reach a spacious white room, and I find the manager's dark office. Yet, I hesitate to enter, I just walk past. What shall I achieve, anyway? He won't pay any heed to me, I think.
Going up some more steps, I enter a big bedroom with many white partitions. In there, the managers fuck the waitresses and I catch them red-handed. I could blackmail them with this, it occurs to me, but they all stand up at once and they start chasing me. I run fast and get out, to the balcony, through a small window. Two of them come too close and I have to fight hard in order to neutralize them. Then I hide behind a wall; the enemies think I have jumped down, so they lose me. I run across a dark place which looks dangerous, and I finally end up on a tiled roof. The sense of adventure makes me feel great.
Next moment I jump down to a narrow stone alley and run along it until I reach the wooden door of an old edifice. Hearing some of my persecutors approaching, I decide to knock on the door. A tall, middle-aged man appears at the threshold. “I am tired from travelling and I would like to rest for a while,” I excuse myself. He allows me to get in, and I see it is an old-time saloon with wooden furniture, full of smoke and shady patrons. Nevertheless I feel comfortable, as if I were in my element. I sit at the bar and I am offered some stale cookies powdered with caster sugar on a saucer. The napkins are dirty, probably used. There is a black-dressed, sluggish guy sitting nearby, and he is staring at me with his glassy eyes...
Interpretation (all my life in an allegory): I always try to fit in the human society, but for some strange reason I am not accepted by the “servants”, so I stay out. Recently, however, I have changed my way of thinking: Instead of fleeing, I seek to find the “boss”, so as to complain and clear out the situation. Yet, I soon realize those in power won't take my side, since they “fuck” their subordinates; on the other hand, “servants” put on airs because they are fucked by the “bosses”. Moreover, they realize I know what's going on, so they persecute and fight me. I can see that a frontal attack won't do me any good: they are numerous and I have no allies. That's why I hide wherever I can, although I am nowhere really safe...
Thursday, 26th September 1991
At about six o' clock in the morning I start a relaxation exercise in bed. As I fall into the “void space”, I feel energized enough to attempt an astral projection: I instinctively envisage two bright lights performing circular, parallel, adverse orbits in the air; as soon as they reach the two opposite points of their orbits, I can feel a strong airstream pulling me out of my body. I come out violently, from head to toes, gradually but fast, and I hover above the bed for some seconds. I want to fly away, yet I return to my physical body instead. I try to “get out” once more, but I fail. I can only “see” my astral body being elongated and it looks rather strange. Then, all of a sudden, I am in another house with white walls. The astral projection has been reduced to a simple dream...
Friday, 27th September 1991
This morning I did another relaxation exercise; it lasted forty minutes, but it gave me the impression of lasting no more than fifteen minutes. It was right after waking up, when I suddenly sank into the “void space” and spontaneously started an astral projection -once again: My astral body sat up, but I couldn't detach my legs; yet I could see it, spectral and white, from all sides, even from behind! Then, I felt a cold but pleasant airstream coming up and down my spinal cord – a wonderful sensation which lasted only a few moments. I tried to open my eyes but it was impossible. All at once I found myself inside my physical body and I woke up...
Wednesday, 2nd October 1991
This afternoon I had an appointment with Harry, who is number two in Janus after Alexander, and talked to him about the two astral projections I had last week. Deep inside I wished to impress him and get a more specific astral projection technique from him.
However, he told me there aren't such techniques and he advised me not to pursue experiences of the kind, because I am not ready yet and I might get obsessed. The only thing he wasn't opposed to, was my changing a lucid dream into self-hypnosis, reaching the “void space” without trying to cause anything.
Then he explained that “Experiences which start from dreams are nothing but figments of your imagination. It all happens because you fear the real world; you feel unable to face certain situations, that's why you seek refuge in the world of dreams. You resort to your imagination a lot, but this can prevent you from advancing in metaphysics because it offers pleasant fantasies. Moreover, fantasies satisfy your Ego! So, you had better avoid them!”
Therefore, I must restrain my imagination, quit fantasies and experience reality as it is, moment by moment. Also, I must not take dreams, astral projections, and the like into account, because they are often deceptive.
He didn't like it at all when I confided in him the odd feeling I have sometimes, that I am the centre of the world and everything revolves around me: “Just like my cousin, who is schizophrenic and she always sees before her a killer with a knife in hand!” he exclaimed and I wondered: What does this have to do with my case?
Anyway, I didn't stay in his office more than half an hour, because Harry suddenly stood up with his hands in his pockets, making clear he was looking forward to my making myself scarce...
Friday, 4th October 1991
“Final Nemesis”, the rest of the story: Refusing to admit I have thrown away four salaries for publishing an unacceptable book, I tried to forward my novel to some distributors; however, none was willing to undertake the distribution of such a product -I should have expected that. Then, I tried to distribute it by myself to bookstores and kiosks. Very few of them accepted two or three copies and hid them in some dark corner – they certainly wouldn't put them at the shop-window. Realizing (luckily, early enough) how time-consuming, tiring and vain would be to go on distributing the books myself, I soon gave up. Even if I managed to distribute some copies, then I would have to visit the bookstores every now and then so as to check non-existent sales. In brief, too much ado for nothing.
Eventually, I gave away about thirty copies to friends and relatives, and piled the rest 970 books behind the door of my office. When people ask, I tell them the books belong to a friend of mine who is a writer and has asked me to keep them in my office temporarily. Anyway, I don't intend to do anything like that again; I am through with writing, publishing, and that sort of thing...
Monday, 7th October 1991
Lucid Dream: My sister enters my room but I can't see her clearly in the dim light. Someone knocks on the door again; to my surprise, it is my sister again. Surprise becomes fear as I realize that the first Alice hasn't got a head -there is only an odd cavity in the place of her neck!
Fear makes the dream lucid and I immediately decide to change it into self-hypnosis: I close my eyes and empty my mind; I feel as if “going out”, but I can't see my astral body, I can only discern my legs a little. I try to open my eyes; at first I can't, then I manage to open them but still I can't see anything but darkness. In the meanwhile, I feel an invisible force carrying me away, all the way down a wide, black tunnel. I end up in another dream, where I walk together with others up a narrow path by the seaside; golden lights flicker in the distance, stars sparkle on the night sky...
Tuesday, 8th October 1991
Lucid Dream: I am on a tree, I know I am dreaming and I decide to change the dream into a relaxation exercise. I shut my eyes, begin meditation and reach the “void space”. Soon I find myself sinking inside a dark tunnel; paradoxically, it seems to be two-dimensional, like a film, so I have become two-dimensional too. I fall down the tunnel faster and faster, while various scenes take place outside it but I can't discern anything; it is like watching them behind a black veil. Then I remember Alexander, who always advises us against taking such initiatives by ourselves, and I start to worry I might be doing something wrong. I try hard to stop, I manage to reverse my course, I finally get out of the tunnel and I am back on the tree again. I force myself to wake up, feeling unsatisfied and sad...
Wednesday, 9th October 1991
Yesterday I decided to talk to the class about my two astral projections, as well as the two last lucid dreams I attempted to change into self-hypnosis. At first it felt good; however, before long I regretted it, as I saw nobody had been even slightly impressed. Moreover, Alexander hastened to boast off: “That's no big deal! I have performed hundreds of astral projections!”
Right after, he sought to dissuade me from attempting anything like that again “because it is too early and the subconscious isn't clear enough,” he explained; then he added that lucid dreaming can lead to madness, especially if someone changes a dream into self-hypnosis. I was taken aback because this is not what Harry had told me the other day -in fact he had said exactly the opposite! The two gentlemen contradict each other!
“What prevents me from succeeding in everyday life, will also prevent me from doing so in the astral plains. So, why attempt an astral projection or anything like that?” Theano chipped in suddenly, and I found her argument rather equivocal...
I am losing confidence in the guru once again – and not only because of the above. I am certain Alexander has been fooling us with all that sonorous mythology about “advanced classes”. Before closing for summer, he had told us that from September new classes would be arranged. On a Thursday he said something about “next time”. “Next time” proved to be three weeks later and the only thing that really changed was the day: Instead of Thursdays, now we come on Tuesdays. As for the rest, the supposedly “higher class” to which I belong now has proved to be something “medium”, neither theory nor practice -namely nothing! Actually, it's worse than the previous class! I can surely understand not all disciples are suitable for “moving up”. Some others, however, who can and want to advance in metaphysics, are discouraged with lame excuses such as “you are too emotional” or “too touchy” or “too disobedient” and so on.
Apart from that, I can discern some hypocrisy too: “Which of you went to a charitable establishment in the summer, so as to offer some help? None! You all went on vacations!” Alexander reprimanded the class at a moment, and they all stayed silent, acknowledging their guilt. Really now, which of the “advanced” disciples visited charitable establishments in the summer? Rena, who is always ready for a row? Or Mary, who thinks she is somebody just because she happens to be one of the guru's stooges? Or, maybe, Alexander himself? Allow me to doubt...
I strongly suspect natural psychics are not only ignored here, but they are also sabotaged on purpose. What makes an advanced disciple, after all? The “ability” to accept passively the usually irrational reprimands of the guru, maybe? Vanessa saw “the light” during her very first relaxation exercise, she did very well in the first telepathy experiments, but Alexander showed her no interest at all; on the contrary, he treats her as if she were paranoid because she occasionally questions his theories. Moreover, Alexander often accuses her of being neurotic and hysterical before the whole class! As a result, Vanessa has been blocked, she has never seen the “light” again, and her telepathy doesn't work any more. Aphrodite is also gifted with innate intuition, she used to be psychic but she isn't anymore -not ever since she started attending Janus...
I have come to believe that what is taught in Janus has nothing to do with metaphysics. I certainly expected more action: experiments of telepathy, spiritualism, telekinesis, astral projection, psychometry etc, by use of specific methods. Last year something was going on, but now nothing – always on the grounds that our subconscious is not clear yet. “When the time comes, I will show you the right technique for a successful astral projection, but not now. If you try anything like that now, you will certainly fail again and again; you can't fail all the time, because your subconscious will eventually connect this technique with failure!” claims the guru, so as to excuse the suppression of telepathy experiments in class.
As about obedience, which is so much propagandized by all gurus, at first it refers to spiritual matters but soon it affects the disciple's whole life. During the lesson, if we express even the slightest personal opinion on the most insignificant matter, Alexander jumps at the chance to accuse us of being unworthy disciples. Sometimes he even presents outrageous theories to us, just because he wants to sound out on reactions; only when these are non-existent, is he satisfied. The truth is that none of us dares speak in class anymore. We are afraid of opening our mouths lest we should be considered disobedient, maladjusted, unworthy. I don't like this at all...
Saturday, 12th October 1991
Night Adventure: I go up the white stairs of a palace. A handsome, muscular, dark-haired man accosts me and holds my hand. We become friends, he seems to be noble and gentle. He leads me to the royal gardens upstairs and I wonder at their beauty, as they are verdant with colourful exotic flowers. We both run and laugh together, like children. I feel great...?
In the morning, during a meditation exercise in the bus, I reached the “void space” and had the following psychic experience: I had the impression of being at the top of a vertical, dark tunnel. Down, at the bottom, there was bright light, it looked like a sea of light.
The same experience will be repeated two more times in the next two days...
Tuesday, 29th October 1991
This psychic experience is rather unusual and it begins as a meditation exercise at Janus. Following Alexander's instructions, we all focus on the love for our class. At first there is a sense of universal unity. Then, I can discern hazy, foggy masses whirling in the darkness of my shut eyes, gradually forming a spectral, distorted scull which gapes before me horridly, as if screaming. Soon the scull is transformed into a bright flower which, at its turn, becomes a revolving cosmic vortex; all forms in the universe are absorbed inside it. The vortex reshapes all things and disgorges them elsewhere, thus creating a new universe with entirely new forms. A new cosmic vortex is being shaped within the new universe and the same procedure is repeated to infinity. Ecstasy...
When I awake, my heart beats like a drum and I feel extremely excited and upset, as if falling apart. In a trembling voice I describe my experience in class.
“I feel strange,” I conclude.
“Keep on feeling strange; it is nice!” says the guru.
Sunday, 17th November 1991
Prophetic Dream: I am sitting in my room, looking at a photo of Manolis, who is my peer and an old neighbour. On the black background of the photo I can see colourful rays of light and an English poem, each verse next to each ray:
Into the night (blue ray)
Out of love (red ray)
Through the purple daylight (purple ray)
When a golden ray attacks (orange-yellow ray)
Through the window grille (green ray)
Wish it were true (green-yellow ray)
Because you're dying (black-yellow ray)
Dying (darker ray)
Dying (almost black ray)
Verification: Three days later, Manolis will be killed in a car accident.
Monday, 25th November 1991
Night Adventure: I am somewhere abroad; I can see dry fields full of emaciated blond sheep; they look like gigantic kadaifis, similar to those we ate at Danae's last night. In the distance there is a stone bridge over a shallow river, and I can discern someone familiar standing there; but... it is me! Passing through a dark tunnel, I come near her. She is another Yvonne; we have the same face and body but she is fashionably dressed, wearing yellow trousers and a red blouse. Her hair is permed, just like when I was in Italy. “Hi, how do you do?” I greet her cordially; we kiss and hug full of joy, and then I ask her what she has achieved so far. She says she has failed to move up in University this year, because she hasn't written well in a subject. We both go to the offices of the University, so as to find the headmistress and discuss the matter. I feel happy for having found myself. Then I realize there is a white lighter in my right hand and it has a number on it: 2017. It strikes me as an expiry date...
Wednesday, 27th December 1991
At about noon Antony and Alice got ready to go to a local cafeteria. They had already reached the front door, when Antony gave me an enigmatic look which could be interpreted as “let's invite that poor thing to come along” and he asked me to join them. I accepted at once.
Soon we found ourselves in a cosy, lively environment, dim-lit but pleasant. We played darts, I went into a racing car simulator, I chatted and laughed spontaneously with many persons. I was also noticed by two handsome strangers at the bar. Then I realized how long it has been since I last went out with “normal” people...
Suddenly, everything was clear for me: I would have become a normal person if I had been accepted by the right circles at the right time. If the appropriate, normal circles accepted me, unless they all disapproved of me before even knowing me, everything would be different now: my way of thinking would be “politically correct”, I would have a husband or a boyfriend, I would be able to dance tsifteteli, I might as well have children! I wouldn't have landed up in Janus. Therefore, what I've become is their fault, and what I'm becoming is their fault too; whatever I am becoming...
* * * *
Friday, 10th January 1992
Night Adventure: I am somewhere outdoors and I see a young woman bending down in a provocative way; behind her mini skirt, her hips are naked; then, I realize she is burnt all over! Some villains grab and throw her body on a heap of other corpses and they dump them all in a huge melting-pot.
I am an enemy of evil and I decide to stop the perpetrators. I try to walk away slowly, but they notice me as I go up the stairs. “Hey, you! Come here!” they shout at me and I turn round, pretending to be scared. They laugh, while preparing to fire their flame-guns. I ask for one minute time, so as to pray; they allow me and I squat down, next to a wall, for a brief meditation exercise.
When I finally finish and get up, the enemies fire at once. However, their guns produce no flame for they no longer function; there is only a soft light inside the long barrels. The villains get angry and they try to catch me but I fight back with two high kicks and send them roll down on the ground stunned. They realize something strange is going on and they withdraw quickly.
I know I don't have much time, because my psychokinetic influence on the flame-guns won't last long. So, at a moment when my persecutors don't notice, I enter a car of bright green colour and drive away at once. Yet, one of the enemies chases me in another vehicle. With a view to deceiving him, I get out of my car and let it go down a precipice...
Monday, 13th January 1992
The night walk in the vicinity brought back to my mind the old, inner enigma: I, the only conscience of the world; I, the centre of the world; all what I can perceive out there is nothing but projections to my conscience, images shaped in co-ordination around me; and the other people, what are they but deceptive visions? What is going on, and what for?
This is the perpetual question that can't even be put into words. This is the only problem I should work out. All the rest -everyday cares, personal issues, speculations about social, political, spiritual and other subjects- are just distractions from the inner enigma; they systematically detract me and I forget...
Tuesday, 14th January 1992
This evening I decided to express myself (the guru often coerces us into doing so) and talk about my recent thoughts in class. Ignoring a strong heartbeat and an inner voice screaming “no!”, I proceeded to confessions concerning the inner enigma before everybody. My words came out uncertain, while Alexander was looking at me with strange, maybe malignant eyes. At the end he smiled cunningly and flung at me: “Be careful, or you will go paranoid!”. Then, he addressed the class and started a pompous lecture which began like that: “This is nothing but tricks the Ego plays on you, making you think you are someone important, someone special, and for this reason you are the target of invisible forces! If you yield to such tricks of the Ego, you are likely to go mad!”
I froze in disappointment; on one hand I was astonished because I do feel like a target all the time -though I have never told a soul about it; one the other hand, I certainly hadn't expected so much contempt and hostility from the guru. As about my classmates, none of them uttered a word; yet, I could feel their ironic looks at me -all that condensed negativity being launched at me. My self-confidence wavered at once. I have been feeling miserable ever since. Just when I thought I had found myself again, I got lost once more.
From now on, I will never ever reveal anything about myself to the guru. All things considered, to talk about my psychic experiences or inspirations to others is a serious mistake. The others, as if in collusion, always question, distort or disapprove of anything I say. Since I am not considered to be an authority (like Alexander, for instance), my defeat in certain disputes is preordained. The result: Doubts, frustration, inner blocking. I go back instead of ahead. It is imperative that I should perfect the art of silence. I have to make a stand against my need for praise, which often urges me to say more than I should. Silence is gold...
Tuesday, 21st January 1992
Alexander wants us to gather about 5,000,000 drachmas, so that he will be able to buy land somewhere in the country and build his asram there. In a very natural way, he announces that if 50 disciples offer 100,000 drachmas each, the sum will be covered! As a reward, the “sponsors” will have the honour of working voluntarily at the estate the guru will buy with their own money!
The strangest thing, though, is that many of my classmates show spontaneous willingness to offer that money, while others are ready to sell their own fields and donate the money to Alexander, without even thinking twice. Moreover, Alexander makes clear that from now on the so-called “extra contributions” are actually obligatory, and that the amounts of money given to him will show who the worthy disciples are. He keeps talking incessantly and everybody listens to him devoutly, as if he were God on earth. Everybody but me.
I believe Alexander doesn't give a dime for us. He is only interested in “contributions” and “donations”. Most of the times he spends the whole lesson complaining about delayed f