Tuesday, 3rd March 1992
Inner Revelation: For many years now, before even coming to Janus, I have been spontaneously using advanced spiritual techniques, such as lucid dreaming (conscious control of dreams). To be more precise, during lucid dreams I often attempt and succeed in the following:
a) When I am in danger, I change the dream: for instance, when I am persecuted by villains, I consciously stop running, fight and beat them.
b) I prolong pleasant dreams.
c) I materialize or make disappear persons and things.
d) I hover or fly in the air.
e) I move objects with the power of my mind.
g) Night adventures: These are very impressive dreams, not lucid but extremely lifelike. Self-sense is very strong, places are delineated in detail, and there is a specific plot with a beginning, a middle, and an ending. When I finally wake up, I wonder that all this adventure was just a dream.
The creation of conscious dreams is called “lucid dreaming” and it can lead to higher awareness. The path of the dreamer is followed by many women in metaphysics. Nevertheless, “these women can be very dangerous,” as it has been said by certain persons in Janus.
When I explained to the gurus what I can do, both Alexander and Harry sought to discourage me, claiming that lucid dreaming can lead to madness. More or less, they say it is a miracle I haven't gone mad yet! However, the other day Alexander admitted in class that with dream control someone can have experiences they haven't had in real life; moreover, they might go mad only if they cause lucid dreams 30 or 40 times in a row -which is rather unlikely.
At first I had been influenced negatively by the gurus and blocked lucid dreaming myself -but I don't believe them anymore. For the time being, I will go on attending Janus, but I am never going to talk about my night experiences to anybody again. From now on, I will keep my distance and teach myself...
Meditation technique for lucid dreaming
First of all, you will need two rosaries: one with 22 knots and one with 72 knots.
5 rhythmical breaths: 4 times inhale – 2 times hold – 4 times exhale – 2 times hold.
22 mental mantras: for example, “The universe and I are one”, counted calmly with the small rosary in hand.
144 (72+72) mental mantra in co-ordination with breathing: Inhale+mantra - exhale+mantra, counted calmly twice with the the big rosary in hand. It takes about ten minutes.
Stay in “void space” for some minutes -the longer, the better.
Then, give the mental order “Tonight I will get out of my body and be conscious in the astral plains” slowly, nine times.
Let yourself go to sleep.
Thursday, 5th March 1992
Starting from today, I will be working as a typist in Pangaea. I don't like being an employee again, but given the circumstances this is the best choice I have. If I hadn't accepted this job, they would have hired another girl; consequently, I would lose my most important client, I would no longer be able to earn a living by working free-lance and I would have to close my office, anyway.
I can't explain why, but Pangaea has actually been my only client for some months. There hardly came another client any more: the lawyers of the district are nowhere to see; a publisher who gave me many texts for translation hasn't appeared since December, and some other occasional clients are gone too. But why, indeed? Everybody admitted my typings and translations were flawless...
Anyway, this is my first day in Pangaea today, and there begin bus strikes which are expected to last long -in fact, they will last more than two months. I hope this is not a sign of fate...
Saturday, 7th March 1992
Strange night outing: I have arranged to meet the guys, at America Square in Patissia, at 8:00 in the evening. I leave home at 7:00, which is kinda late, because I was invited at the last moment -as usual. Until 7:30 there is no bus in sight, so I take a taxi to the bus-stop in Helioupolis. The cold is dreadful. Finally, I get on the bus no. 208, I get off at the terminus in the centre of Athens and then I take the tram to America Square. I arrive there at 8:30, full of agony and with few hopes to find my friends there. However, they are still there and they are waiting, not me -as I initially thought- but Nick, who finally turns up at 9:15! I wonder at their patience, since they never wait for me when I'm late, not even for a quarter of an hour! I have happened to be fifteen or twenty minutes late three times, and when I got at the venue I found no one there – which means I wasted almost four hours in the buses for nothing.
We go to a nearby Italian restaurant but it is closed. We end up in a packed and noisy taverna, where we pay through the nose. At about 11:00 we go for a drink at a nice pub, but I can stay there no more than half an hour, otherwise I will miss the last bus home. I leave without paying for my drink, because nobody can change my 5,000-drachma banknote.
I run to the bus-stop but I lose the 23:30 tram for one second, so I have to take a taxi to the bus terminus at Zappeion Park, hoping to catch the last bus to Glyfada. Before long I realize that the driver, a skinny old man, is a nutcase! He drives erratically, swerving or applying the brakes without any reason, as if trying to cause an accident! As he drives along Patission Avenue, he often gets too close to the car in front, or turns the steering wheel with jerky movements -almost crashing other cars. Moreover, he swears at any driver who happens to be near! At a moment, as we have stopped at the traffic lights, he suddenly turns the steering wheel to the right and the taxi sticks to a tram!
When we enter Stadiou Avenue, he starts driving as slowly as a turtle; then he draws alongside another taxi and waves to the driver to stop. The other one pulls over; my driver puts on the brakes, he steps out and hastens to the other taxi, obviously ready for a row; in the meanwhile time flies and I shout:
“Come back, please, or I will lose the last bus!”
He returns to me and starts the car again, but he is outraged.
“If you do this again, I will send you to the dentist!” he threatens.
“What?” I cry, hardly believing what's going on. “Stop now and let me get off, right now!” I demand, with the intention of writing down his car number and starting proceedings against the madcap.
Probably because he suspects something, he corrects his erratic driving at once, he begins to smile and tries to patch up things with inanities such as: “Oh, you are so wild, you have misunderstood me, you haven't even congratulated me on the nice ride!” and we finally reach the bus terminus at Zappeion, at 23:59! I give him the 5,000-drachma banknote and he gives me my change slowly, one note at a time, hoping to delay enough so that I lose the last bus and he gets an after-midnight fare to Glyfada, double tariff! I, however, not only wait patiently until I get all my change, but I also catch the last bus in the nick of time!
As soon as I find a seat, here comes another lunatic and sits right behind me. He coughs continuously, at the top of his voice, and he always tries to lean his knee on my hips. The bus is already full, the journey is too long, and there is no other place I could stand or sit. That was not an outing, that was Calvary! Was it worth the while? I don't think so...
Sunday, 15th March 1992
Lucid Dream: I asked it consciously while dreaming, and I saw some Lotto numbers being carved in relief on a stone surface: 6, 17, 25, 11, 21, 33, 9. Verification: The next winning numbers are 9, 17, 21, 29, 33, 35. I will get two fours and earn about 5.300 drachmas...?
In search of a way out: My failure in meeting the guys last night (I was half an hour late and they didn't wait for me, which means I spent almost four hours in buses for nothing), led me to an outburst of realizations: No matter what I do, no matter where I go, the outcome will always be zero. In any case, I always have to answer to the others, yet nobody ever has to answer to me. At work I am always at the bottom of hierarchy; there is never anyone below me. The same thing happens with my social life: I am constantly criticized by everyone for the slightest thing, but nobody ever gives a dime about my opinion.
Enough is enough! I can't play the fool any more! I urgently need other alternatives in life and the most effective ones seem to be the following: a) Turn to the Left Path, b) Use of lucid dreams and astral projections as a magic technique, so as to have money and power. Of course, this can be dangerous. Yet, what isn't dangerous? Isn't the unnatural, deathly immobility of my life dangerous? Or, now that I am a “good girl”, all goes fine for me?
Tuesday, 24th March 1992
Night Adventure: I am travelling with my family by ship. I can't do well in certain tasks, while Alice does fine. My father has to set the sea on fire, so as to prevent some enemies from approaching and invading the ship. When we reach the port, he intends to kill me and I don't know why. However, I won't just sit there waiting for death. I start flying over the blazing sea, until I reach the coast and escape to a nearby wood. Yet, there is still danger, as my father is chasing me in a helicopter.
I hide in a clump of trees and then under a heap of leaves. My father takes another way, so he loses me. I get out of my hiding place and I end up in a public service. I ask the guards to let me hide in there but they don't let me in, so I neutralize them with karate blows. In the meantime my father has just arrived but he doesn't look threatening anymore: he smiles to me in a friendly way, probably because he is proud of my abilities now. Mum is with him and we all three go away together.
Interpretation: The dream shows my inner feeling of not being loved by my parents, especially in comparison with Alice, the star of our family. Probably, deep inside I feel they are hostile to me, and I wish I could prove my worth to them...
Thursday, 26th March 1992
Night Adventure: I am another woman, someone muscular, dynamic, with long blond hair, and I am wearing a warrior's outfit with a leather bodice. A handsome blond man is flirting me and I like him. However, there is a red-haired woman who claims him and I feel jealous. We all belong to a wild tribe of the desert. She and I fight for him, I knock her down, I take her bodice off and reveal her flat, childlike breasts. I leave her alone, as the fight is over now and the blond man is mine. In the distance there is an elephant cemetery; a horrible monster is expected to rise from there, and I will have to fight against it...?
The real purpose of life: I have come to believe life is not the best thing that could happen to a soul. It is traumatic to live. Instead of experiencing higher levels of existence, the soul is trapped in a perishable physical body, and it has to comply with one sole order: “Survive!” Every moment of life, the soul is obliged to obey this order; yet the physical body is by nature mortal, as it degenerates day by day until it dies, usually of disease, old age, or both.
In general, we have to toil very hard every day in order to “earn our daily bread”, often without much success. We usually need to fight tooth and nail in order to achieve a minimum result – and at the first mistake everything may fall apart.
The purpose of life is pain. We are born to know pain in its various forms. Each person is born with a personal fate, that is a specific kind of pain which will accompany him or her in life: famine, war, physical or mental illness, poverty, injustice, failure, misfortune etc. Sooner or later, most people end up in an almost complete lack of awareness, so they get accustomed to chronic pain and they can hardly realize it's there; in this way, they can endure their lives.
We come in life so as to perpetuate it, not to have fun. In fact, the more miserable a society is, the more offspring it produces. The poor always have more children than the rich, and they use them either as young workers, or as “hope for their old age”. The rich seldom have more than two children, because they would rather live their lives than change diapers.
In the countries of the Third World, where disease, famine, destitution and death reign in every corner, women breed continuously and each one of them brings 8-12 children into the world. Most of them die before reaching adulthood; those who survive suffer endless misery, yet they all look forward to becoming parents themselves. As a result, the population increases vertically. In two words: Life thrives in pain. Life is pain and vice versa.
All in universe is One and the relation which connects them all is this: “Your death is my life”. This truth is more obvious in the realm of life: The survival of each living creature depends on the death of other creatures. “Eat or be eaten” as people say. On the other hand, the prevalence of the mighty in the battle of survival is often apparent or short-lived. A microbe can kill the “king of the jungle”, the lion. A tiny, brainless virus can exterminate thousands of clever, educated, civilized humans. The fall of a meteor eliminated the magnificent dinosaurs sixty billion years ago. Nevertheless, the humble snail -one of the first creatures that walked the earth- still exists despite its small size, its inability to harm other creatures and its slow evolution. It doesn't evolve because it doesn't need to evolve...
Sunday, 29th March 1992
Night Adventure: Someone tortures souls by dissecting their astral bodies with huge bone instruments. He holds a dead baby boy in his lap and bores his scull with a strange lancet. The baby tries to find consolation in the thought that the astral body is immortal; he looks like a living dead, he punches the enemy with his tiny fists but he can't escape...
Lucid Dream: I meet Nestor, a handsome guy from the advanced class in Janus, and I consciously ask him to give me the winning Lotto numbers. He offers them to me in a sort of riddle, but when I wake up I can't remember them well. The most possible combination is: 3, 7,10, 30, 33, 34. Verification: Some of these numbers will come out in Proto; I will get right the last three numbers and earn about 8,000 drachmas. However, the very next day I will have to give that sum of money to a doctor, because of a nasty otitis...
Tuesday, 8th April 1992
Once again, the lesson at Janus made me think: What does Alexander (and all gurus) mean when he talks about “breaking the Ego”? Mainly, it is the suppression of personal judgement and will. However, when you have no judjement and will of your own, then you blindly accept the judgement and will of somebody else. The methods used by spiritual masters so as to break their disciples' Ego are mostly red herrings, sophistry or rhetorical tricks; the listeners seldom oppose to them, because of excessive psychological pressure they are usually subjected to. The same methods can be used to drive someone mad. In the end, the victims consider it as the greatest honour and happiness to serve an authority or a master. Schools of spiritual development are no different to the army: They teach you how to fight but never for your personal interest; it is always for a supposedly superior authority.
As about religions, what are they really? “I always tell you to meditate and observe yourselves so as to strengthen your souls. Nevertheless, who knows what really awaits us after death, to the Other Side? Imagine some sort of aliens waiting there, ready to be fed with strong souls!” Alexander said at a moment, in a rather equivocal manner.
“I wouldn't rule out that possibility,” agreed Peter -one of the few in our class the guru thinks high of...
Saturday, 11th April 1992
One more of those days, when all goes abnormally wry: In the morning I went to Alimos, so as to buy ink-tapes for my typewriter. Yet, they don't sell on Saturdays, they told me. Why do they open the shop, then? Later, I spent some time with Alice and our cousin Niki but I couldn't avoid the usual boredom: These two are married with children, respectable persons in society; they don't even bother to conceal their contempt for me.
At 9:30 in the evening I had an appointment with the guys at America Square. It has been drizzling all day today and I couldn't decide whether to go or not. So, I lost the 8:00 o' clock bus to Athens for one second. The next one appeared at 8:30. The tram dragged along Panepistimiou Avenue like a half-slaughtered hen. I preferred to get off and take a bus but I accidentally missed the bus-stop at America Square. I finally made it to my destination at 10:05. Naturally, there was nobody there. I got on the first tram that came along, I got off at Omonia Square, then I was too bored to wait for another tram and walked all the way to the bus terminus at Zappeion Park. The bus to Glyfada got a breakdown -luckily not very far from St Tryfon Square: I only had to walk for twenty minutes to reach home. In all, I toiled for four and a half hours for nothing...
The bonds of fate: All my life, I often have to work very hard in order to achieve a minimal or even negative result. Anyway, it has just occurred to me that if too many difficulties appear while doing something, it should not be continued or it will lead to disaster. There are external, invisible, omnipotent forces which define our destiny, in total disregard of our personal will and actions. Every moment in life is preordained from “above”. Even our intelligence, abilities and talents are preordained by these forces; DNA is a matter of luck.
There is no flying from fate. Nobody can escape their destiny by acting on the physical plain. No matter what you do to escape from destiny, fate will eventually lead you where it wants by producing all the necessary coincidences and circumstances. In spite of our effort to make this world a better place, nothing ever really changes. But, maybe, there is a way out: Conscious dream control and intervention in the astral plains may affect the flow or reality. A dreamer witch should not be a prey to the forces of fate...
Tuesday, 14th April 1992
Before going to Janus, I paid a visit to Aphrodite -I like doing so lately. This afternoon she was not alone, though: there was also a young man there. Aphrodite introduced him to me as Zisis, her new boyfriend, whom she already lives with. He seemed to be a polite, nice guy; the three of us discussed various subjects and he proved to be an interesting person; he has sympathy with metaphysics too: he used to carry out astral projections but for some strange reason he can't anymore; yet, he can still see people's auras, he said.
“Can you see anything on me?” I asked him.
“You give me the impression of someone who has been searching and searching... what have you really been searching for, Yvonne?”
I shrugged my shoulders, wondering at his question; I thought that after the lengthy conversation we had just had, it would be obvious to him what I've been looking for -that is metaphysical knowledge.
“Can you see anything on my aura?” I insisted.
“Your thoughts are very intense; I can feel them slipping away to the universe and then they come back from the universe...”
That strange declaration of his made me think for a while, as I felt it contained a vestige of truth -I can't say what exactly.
“Do you see this only on me or on other people too?” I asked calmly.
“I haven't seen it on anybody else” he replied.
Later, at Janus, we all had a pleasant surprise: Alexander finally agreed to our attempting a technique for astral projection in class, which consists of the following steps:
We focus on the flame of a candle placed in front of us
Mental mantra (mine is: ''the universe and I are one'')
Physical relaxation
Mental countdown from 10 to 0.
Reaching the “void space”, we observe the image of the flame which is shaped in the darkness of our shut eyes.
We open our eyes slowly, then close them again.
Mental countdown from 10 to 0 (twice)
We envisage coming out of our physical body and entering the guru's body (!). Always imagining our astral body is inside Alexander, we envisage going out, to the reception, so as to see the object Harry has placed on the table.
The result was rather disappointing: Everybody failed except Mary, who “saw” that the copper statuette of Oros had been moved away from its usual place. Mary happens to be the most obedient of Alexander's stooges but, paradoxically, she is still in our “low” class. Anyway, I suspect her success was just a foul play, so as to show this special telepathy experiment was not just a flop...
Wednesday, 22nd April 1992
Night Adventure: I attend a memorial service for grandma Jenny. All relatives are in her old house, while she is lying inside a coffin on the big table. Suddenly, grandma sits up and starts talking. My father can't see, because his resurrected mother sees through his eyes. She can walk and move among us now; I am scared and I shout to her; then I say prayers like “Paternoster” in the hope of sending her away. Finally grandma disappears but I am still afraid and act as if she were still present.
Later on, I cross a bridge over a lake. When I reach the other side, I find myself in a picturesque village built on a hill, somewhere in Italy. However, not all is idyllic there: soon I find out that its earthen streets are studded with bones and skeleton parts. I walk along these streets in agony, feeling the bones under my shoe soles. Interpretation: The very next day we will receive bad news regarding uncle George, my mother's brother. He suffers from lung cancer and he's left only a few months to live. Isn't it really horrible, to be sentenced to death and know it...
Thursday, 7th May 1992
Work experiences in Pangaea: Yota, a disagreeable stammerer (very rich, though) is responsible for English correspondence. She has studied History of Art in America (studies for the satiated), yet she commits quite a few grammar and syntax errors when she writes letters in English. Strangely enough, none of the bosses -who sign her letters- has noticed anything. Moreover, Yota doesn't even suspect what filing is: She sends letters to various museums and photograph agencies all over the world asking for transparencies, yet she never keeps copies of them! They haven't noticed that either.
Naturally, I wouldn't dare say anything about it. If I commented on anything like that, I would fall out with Yota and all the other colleagues would hate me. Of course, this means that my knowledge of languages and secretarial skills is entirely indifferent to the company. They don't give a dime if I know perfect English and Italian, as well as very good German and Spanish. Obviously, there are other kinds of qualifications companies really appreciate in employees...
Saturday, 16th May 1992
Night Adventure: Alien robots have taken over the Earth. They keep us prisoners in small, yellow cells furnished only with a bed. They let us out only if we are to carry out certain tasks for them. As far as I've heard, those aliens reached the Earth because of someone who made the mistake of trusting them. I notice that adjacent cells communicate through a small window, high on the inner wall. I wonder whether I could use these windows to come in contact with other prisoners. Interpretation: Maybe mankind is under occupation of an alien race, who keeps us isolated and mislead us into performing certain duties with unknown purposes...
Tuesday, 26th May 1992
Lucid Dream: Between sleep and awake I dream of Billy, an obnoxious, ugly, fat, hairy guy who is a classmate in Janus. He is lying next to me in bed now, he is restless, he shouts, he puts his legs on my chest, he molests me. “You don't mind, do you?” he asks foolishly and I resent him. Then, the dream becomes lucid and it occurs to me this could be a possible future – but luckily, it is only for one night. In this way, I learn to appreciate what I have, that is solitude and calmness in bed.
! A few days later, Aphrodite will inform me Billy is interested in lucid dreaming a lot, and Alexander has been teaching him in private! What a serious person for the guru to teach personally! Is Bill supposed to be balanced enough for this? ?
In the evening I met the whole party -Vanessa, Theano, Aphrodite and Zisis- in a quiet cafeteria near my old office. I may never see Vanessa again: next week she is leaving for Volos, her hometown, because her studies of Philosophy in the University of Athens are over now. I feel I miss her already. “I dislike it that you are leaving” I told her, a little before saying goodbye.
Wednesday, 27th May 1992
After that travesty of a lesson in Janus last night, I realized all these years Alexander has been doing nothing but pulling our legs in there. Let me explain: After one and a half month of inaction, we finally carried out a telepathy experiment which “of course” proved to be a flop! Not even one of us managed to make a close guess of the object placed on the reception table. Alexander jumped at the chance to reprimand us all for being unworthy disciples and unready for such experiments. All thirty of us!
Yet, I wonder: If you take thirty persons from the streets at random and tell them to guess -without any prior meditation or preparation- what is placed on a table behind the door, in all probability at least one of them will guess right! However, thirty experienced disciples failed completely in making even a close guess! Therefore, I strongly suspect these experiments are put-up jobs!
I also think that, for some months now, Alexander has been applying a subtle mechanism of psychological war in his lessons: a) He talks continuously, usually without saying anything specific; I often feel as if I were subjected to hypnotic suggestion, b) He allows no one to express any opinion, c) He disrupts any conversation in class, d) If anyone manages to express a personal opinion, the guru treats them like a moron or a lunatic: “You read something, but you understand something else” or “Your sick Ego prevents you from seeing the truth” and so on.
In this way, a systematic, insidious ''breaking of the Ego'' is in progress within all of us: We no longer dare express an opinion, we make less and less questions, our self-confidence wanes day by day, we are gradually filled with guilt, our will gets weaker and weaker. Although we are bored in there, we stay from 9:00 pm to midnight every time. As about me, I can see I am going back instead of ahead: I often feel very anxious and my hands sweat before saying anything in class – just like in the distant past, when I was a timid child. What the heck, I want to eliminate my timidness, not revive it!
Friday, 29th May 1992
Mankind consists of two basic races: Vampires and victims. The former have the natural ability of absorbing energy from the latter, rendering them their puppets. On the other hand, victims enjoy certain rewards. The most common types of vampires are the following:
a) Boyfriends and husbands: Even in the modern, “feminist” society, a woman's thoughts and actions are focused mainly on one thing -how to satisfy her man. Otherwise, the woman has no man and she is non-existent to society. This is exactly what the male-vampire offers the woman: A social position (as his wife or mistress) and an acceptable reason to leave (satisfy him sexually and have his children).
b) In a family, children are the most powerful vampires. With their cuteness, tricks, tears, mischief, as well as with their endless demands, they manage to keep their parents always busy -especially their mother. The proud parents offer all their time, money, thoughts and energy to sometimes unworthy children. On the other side, “What is the meaning of life? To have children, of course” claim all parents in robotic unison.
c) Popular persons: They are “the life and soul of the party”, as it is often said. Indeed, in any party there is always one person who acts as a leader, although nobody can actually explain the reason why: in general, these persons are egocentric, frivolous and capricious. Yet, the popular person commands and the others carry out his or her orders with spontaneous joy. As about the reward, in this case it is socialization: the integration into a circle of friends, the avoidance of loneliness.
d) Ener