THIRTEEN
Maya reached the restaurant on time, dressed in her favourite blue dress with black stockings, giving her an 'at work' look. It was a lovely restaurant with huge aquaria all around. Colourful fish swam in them. Vikram was already seated. He smiled at her as she took her seat, opposite his.
“May I order wine?” he asked.
He was conscious of sitting with a girl much younger to him, but for him age did not matter. His instinct told him that this girl was special.
“I've never had wine before,” she replied.
“Well, all the more reason for you to have some now!” he answered. He found her beautiful. She had an innocence that melted his heart and her eyes were full of fiery life. When the wine came, they drank it silently, each apparently lost in thought.
Maya had never felt so peaceful before. In spite of the silence, she enjoyed herself. The wine seemed to help and so did the music playing in the background.
“You didn't tell me what happens to the fire when cigarette ends?” she reminded him, when he kept the glass of wine aside and lit a cigarette.
“It is there. It just changes form. It turns into ash. So it is with love. It only changes form. People often make this mistake of imagining love as some control game. If someone loves you, you want to be the centre of his or her universe. Don't you think it's crazy? As a human being we ourselves are not sorted out, but we want someone else to revolve around us. We develop this need to control under the pretension of taking care. We suffocate ourselves and then blame it all on love. What has love got to do with it? Love flies away the moment control enters. It is there no more . Love is in letting go.” The words poured themselves, “Are you in love with someone?” she asked, directly.
Surprisingly, he was not angry at the question. He seemed to invite it, in fact.
“I was!”
“You were?” she frowned.
“She's no more!”
“I'm sorry,” she said, ashamed of her curiosity. But inside she was suddenly very relieved.
“You don't have to be. Besides, her presence goes with me. You know, Maya, when we see matter, it is solid in form, but in reality it is just some atoms and molecules dancing together in rhythm to create a magnetic field. Remember the diagrams in your physics textbook. You and I are all in this constant blissful dance in rhythm with the universe. Only we are too busy to find that bliss. When we leave our bodies the molecules and atoms remain. Only they change form. The rhythm is forever. The dimension changes.” He paused to take in a long puff of smoke. “Besides, all said and done, I've moved on.” His memories lunged at him. He tried to push them away.
Maya wondered if this meant that there was someone else he was seeing. Who was that woman in the photograph she had seen in his office? Why was the photograph there?
“Moved on means?” she managed to ask. He smiled.
“Evolved.”
“No woman?”
“Many, maybe!” he winked. The rest of the conversation was far more mundane.
When they had their dinner and walked to his car, a cool breeze was playing. There seemed to be music in the air too.
As they reached his black Audi, he opened the door on the passenger side and said, “I'll drop you home.”
“I'll manage,” she said.
“It's a bit late,” he said, sliding into the driver's seat. She got in and closed the door. He drove out of the parking lot. He drove neatly. Maya wanted to hold his hand.
Suddenly he stopped the car and got out. Maya was caught off guard. What is he up to? Is she going to kiss me?
“What do you think when you see such a sky?” Vikram asked, looking up.
“I feel nice.”
I want to hug you right this moment, she thought.
It's a good thing that the darkness concealed her blushing face. She had to swallow hard to hide her stiff jaw.
“Do you ever think why certain things make you feel nice and certain things don't?”
“Yes, I do. But then I can't figure out an answer.” She was surprised at her spontaneity.
She should have known the answer, he thought to himself. The man could see a light in her eyes which was the sign of a great energy she possessed. She herself did not know it. The energy in her will keep her wandering in search of love. He himself had been looking for the same. The moment he saw her, he had known she was his twin flame. Though he couldn't share that awareness with her right now, but that is how the mystic world works.
One can't tell, for the other soul mate must find the way too, through suffering, sorrow, passion, pain and joy. He could not do anything other than reassure her. He wanted to hold her, tell her that she was the one. He was starving to hold a woman against him for some time now. Aching to feel the love and bliss he knew she could give him. Yet this was not the time. She was his canvas. He has to paint the picture and this has been just the beginning.
“Do you ever think that there are times when you want to do something desperately and you've to hold yourself back?” he sensed an urgency in himself.
“Oh, so many times. Like a hundred times in a day.”
Like right now too. I desperately want to fall in love. She thought to herself and smiled. He smiled.
“Being desperate isn't too bad either. You must love every moment of life desperately. It's a temporary life and you just can't miss telling people you love them, that they are important. You never know when it all ends. You never know which your last kiss is. Every kiss should be desperate and passionate.
That night under the sky their souls connected. They both sensed it, but didn't know how to express it to each other. Maya was much younger than him, but both, unknown to each other, felt a passionate pull towards each other. He might not feel anything for you, her mind said.
“You should never hold yourself back.” He came dangerously close to her. Oh, kiss me, will you?
She could sense her muscles straining. She could feel a pressure in her head.
He held her. Both his palms rested on her shoulders. Her lips parted. Her eyes moistened. She felt a strange peace that instant. He is a magician, her mind reminded her.
He stared into her eyes. Then with a deep sigh, he looked up at the sky. The stars seemed to smile back. “You can lean on me forever,” he said.
“Forever is a long time,” she heard herself whispering. Her lips were dry. Her body was so still she could hear herself breathing rhythmically and calmly.
“Time is forever. This moment is eternal, Maya. He planted a kiss on her forehead.
He wanted to take her there under the blue sky. He could feel himself stiff. Her eyes closed.
They kissed. It felt like eternity. Maya felt complete in that moment. This was not ordinary. His arms tightened around her. His touch was warm and gentle. She closed her eyes. She was floating in the blue sky. She could touch the stars.
She didn't know how long it was before she felt the cool air on her face. She realised he had stopped kissing her.
Suddenly she was embarrassed. She wasn't sure if she had imagined the kiss or if had really happened.
I told you not to be so easy, Maya. What's he going to think about you? Her mind was worried. But her heart was in silent bliss. “I, I … I ...” she stammered.
“Relax, Maya. We kissed at this moment because we felt for each other. We are the dancing atoms in the cosmic journey. This is a precious moment that we share full of love, warmth and togetherness. Cherish it since it's a part of the magical eternity. You don't have to feel guilty or obliged. I understand. You are beautiful and you can really ask me anything. I will try to be there always.”
A pause and then he continued. “Just let your heart be. Don't analyse everything. Don't hold yourself back. Remember, we have one life and we need to live it to the fullest. Go explore the world, it might make you smile, it might also bring pain. However, you will grow and gather experience. Don't be worried of what other people think of you. They would want you to be one of them. Be yourself. Society creates all kinds of rules for us to mingle with others. Don't struggle to become ordinary. Take risks. Fall and get up every time. Do not fear. The universe has its own way of teaching us the secrets of life, the passion of living and loving. Seek and you shall find. Then come back to me.”
He said those words as if he was reciting some spiritual verse. His eyes were warm and kind. There was a strange longing in them.
His phone rang and as he answered the call his face returned to its familiar stiff expression.
“Yeah, I'll be there tonight. Don't worry, I remember very well.”
Maya could hear a faint sound of a woman on the other end.
“I know. I know. I am also looking forward to be with you. I hope it's only the two of us.”
Maya did not understand. Who was he going to spend the night with? She chose not to think too much about it. “Come on. I'll drop you home,” he said.