TWENTY FIVE
“I'm leaving,” she told Kartik after one of their usual and pointless fights. This was not the first time she had told him this, but she meant it this time.
“Is anyone stopping you?” Kartik retorted.
“Why would anyone stop me? There are other women who would do anything to please you. Besides you need only pleasing since you can't please anyone. It takes a real man to do so.”
Kartik's ego received a strong blow, if that's the correct expression, she thought.
He sprung at her, pulling her towards him and slapped her. It was the first time he did so, she realized with a shock. How dare he?
Immediately, he realised he had crossed a line he shouldn't have. “I'm sorry,” “I didn't mean to hit you.”
“But that's what you just did,” she retorted. She stared at him, hurt and angry. She felt betrayed beyond measure, he felt guilty that he behaved so nastily.
“Look,” he said, “I didn't want to…”
“But you did. You just hit me. That's what you are good at.
You can't love anyone. You are a mean, selfish bastard.”
“Stop it, Maya. That's enough.”
“Else what will you do? Will you hit me again? Hit me. Come on, hit me,” she screamed, pushing him against the wall. “Maya!” he shouted, his hate reflected in his eyes.
“Don't scream. You have no right to scream at me. You sleazy dog,” she screamed pushing him hard, so hard that his head hit the wall. Astounded by her gall, he pulled her by her hair and pushed her away, hard. She fell on the bed.
“You bring out the worst in me,” he shouted and turned to leave the room.
“That's because that's all there is,” she retorted. He looked at her with pure hatred and disgust before leaving the room. He didn't want to do this. She did hurt him in all possible ways.
Dear Diary
It's been long since I wrote anything. I was too busy sorting out my life, but it's even more messed up now. I don't think anything called love exists. It is just a matter of chance that we feel certain emotions for someone in our lives. Love is just a trap that brings with it a dark pain and sometimes pleasure. Neither seems consequential!
Had I never met Kartik, I would have never known my love for him. Had I met someone else, it could have been different. May be I should have waited to meet someone who loved me the way I wanted. There was no hurry to marry. I wish my mom was alive. I miss her. I would not have felt so lonely and there would not have been any need to marry so soon. My father would have never let me cry so much. I'm all alone here sitting here on this bed wondering what I ran away from and what I've achieved. I still feel unloved and I can't run away from here. Or, can I? Had I eloped with that boy Raghu in Goa, things might have been different. Who knows? Maybe in a way I did cheat on him and this is the payback. It is pointless to blame anyone. Perhaps it is unfortunate that Kartik is also trapped with me. Will I never find love? She stopped, for the severity of her questions left her limp.
She called Vikram.
“I'm feeling very low,” she said.
“What happened?” Vikram sounded emotionless.
“I don't know. I had a huge fight with Kartik.”
“Hmmm…” he sighed.
“Do you love me?” she asked suddenly, like a child desperate to be cajoled by someone, anyone. Though he was taken aback at the question, his voice did not show it.
“I had answered that question earlier,” he said with equanimity.
“What?”
“I do.”
“I'm coming over to see you.”
Vikram knew she had to complete this part of her life before finding solace. She had to cross this worldly dimension and learn to get detached. It makes us more real and more truthful. Maya had to learn to let go.
The greatest of pains make us realise that nothing in this world is permanent and all things will come to an end.
He knew she was confused. He remembered the first time he was introduced to her in a training session. She asked him if he could give her ten minutes, alone. The moment he set eyes on her, he knew she was no ordinary girl. She had the latent energy in her to achieve a lasting peace. That would take time, though.
The mystic in him was touched by the sensitivity she seemed to possess. It was hard to find sensitive souls. It was even harder to find souls around for most of them were trapped in bodies that were on a different plane. They had to go through multi-dimensional changes to reach the spiritually awakened state he was now in. This girl could be a partner. She was the one with whom he could go ahead with for his final journey, but it was not the time, yet. Once spiritually awakened, one needs to wait for the enlightenment. The final stage was oneness with the universe. He was aching to achieve that with her. He knew he would have to be patient.
“Tell me,” he said, reassuring her with a smile as she sat beside him.
“I've decided to leave him,” she said.
“Well, you have to be sure. It is you who loved him, who chose him!”
“I did, but I don't think there is any love between us.”
“Hmmm, I don't think you will be able to leave him so soon.”
“Why do you say so?”
“Maya, in love the one whois more passionate is the weaker one. The one who loves less is always better off. It is easier for him to break the ties because he is not clinging to love the way you are. You're weak, as much as your dependence on love is strong.” It seemed to make sense.