DIARY ENTRIES:
September 4 – Had wild dream, forced into sex-change
operation. Now I’m a beautiful female,
enjoy men forcing me into sex. Can feel
their hairy, sweaty bodies pressing down on my soft flesh. Penetrating me with their long, thick
dicks. What a wild, wet dream, so horny
when woke up, had to jack-off.
September 6 – Training at Art’s house, cooking
lesson. While making muffins, he dropped
tray in oven. Batter started to burn and
smoke. Set off smoke detector. His mother went nuts, mad as hell, we
couldn’t stop laughing.
September 11 – Driving Art to adult program, he tried to
throw floor mat out window. Asked him
why, said looked old. Told him to leave
my shit alone. Dumbass. Sent to sign up for ASL, hate it
already. Ten week class, more stress.
September 14 – Picked up two wheelchairs. One for Billy and one for me. Went to mall, Billy wanted me to experience
what it’s like to be in wheelchair. Rule
was no one was to know I wasn’t a cripple.
Wheeled my sore ass all over mall trying to keep up with Billy. Arms sore and numb. People stayed away from us as we rode through
stores, like we were diseased or something.
How sad the ignorant people are.
Overall, had fun. Billy ran
circles around me and loved it. Old lady
approached and asked how I became wheelchair bound. Told her I was riding a bicycle and a school
bus hit me and knocked me into ditch.
Bus drove on and left me there, guy in pickup stopped and young kid
jumped out and stole my bike and drove off.
Finally mailman next morning found me and called 911. Poor old lady felt so bad, gave each of us a
ten-dollar bill, gullible old bitch.
Laughed later in car.
October 8 – Slow day at adult program. Tired of working with mental defectives,
can’t tell the staff from the retards anymore.
October 11 – Drove van load of nuts to Special Olympics,
spent the night. Three were assigned to
my room to watch. Only two double beds,
made all three sleep in same bed. I’m
not sleeping with some creepy freak next to me.
October 20 – Nightmare again. Henry asked if I was ready to change my
life. Told him would think about it.
October 22 – Told Henry I’d try it his way, anything to
get rid of nightmare. He said no more
salt, sugar or food fried in grease.
Must take B-complex vitamin daily.
No more soda pop. No more
profanity.
October 25 – Shane in hospital, some kind of
infection. Not doing well per Docs. Poor guy passes out each time they draw
blood.
October 27 – Boss Willie called, Shane doing poorly. Docs told his dad can’t stop infection, not
responding to drugs. Slipped into coma,
put on ventilator. Docs said will
probably die soon.
November 2 – Feel better, vitamins and non-greasy food
working. Picked up Billy, had us sit in
cold weather outside grocery store colleting donations for Special
Olympics. Froze our butts off. How sad, exploit handicapped to make a few
bucks. Poor Billy shivering in his
wheelchair holding that cold plastic bucket so people would feel sorry and give
money. Store manager wouldn’t let us sit
inside doorway. Said customers don’t
want to see that kind of display when purchasing food. Took in $87 dollars in four hours. I bet poor Billy won’t see a dime of it.
November 3 – Henry popped in, said to go to Shane’s
hospital room in evening. Said for me to
place left hand on his forehead and right hand over his heart area. I was a bit scared, but did as he asked. No one at hospital tried to stop me from
entering his dark room. Did as I was
told. Henry said stop and go home after
ten minutes. Standing in dark room, my
arms felt heavy and tingly while touching Shane. When finished, started to leave, over in
corner, a man was sitting in a chair on other side of bed. Guy never spoke, just watched me.
November 7 – Boss Willie called, said Shane out of coma
and off ventilator. Docs said tests show
no sign of infection. Be discharged in a
few days. Henry is a miracle worker.
November 15 – Workers having a private party, got
invited. One female said I came across
as cold, intellectual and cute. Told her
she came across as bossy and gossipy.
Not speaking to me now. So much
for honesty.
December 8 – Feeling good, lost 8 pounds so far. Teased Shane and Art in car, got them to
laugh. Sister came by after work, wanted
sex, told her no, would rather go to a movie.
She left mad.
January 8 – Poor Billy crapped all over himself, cleaned
him up. Hate it when that happens. Henry popped in, asked if something was
missing? I’ll be, stopped having
nightmare. Feel great. Lost 17 pounds. Back to my old self.
January 24 – Boss Willie said I had to drive van load of
clients to another Special Olympics.
Said it wasn’t my turn to drive.
Sent me to see director, told him no, fired me, told to turn in my
paperwork. Fired again, imagine that.
February 4 – Got hired at Nursing Home, start as nurses’
aide on February 5th.
“Simon, on September fourth, your dream of
becoming a female and having sex with strong men. Have you had this dream on more than one
occasion?”
“Maybe,” I said coyly.
“You are the dominant person in your sexual
encounters we have discussed thus far.
Yet this dream or fantasy would strongly suggest an underlying feeling
to be the dominated one. This clearly
shows a pattern leading to latent homosexuality,” Doctor Lerner surmised.
I shrieked, “I’m not gay!”
Doctor Lerner paused a moment while I stared at
the floor. “All right, let’s move on for
now. September fourteenth, you were pretending
to be wheelchair-bound at the mall. You
told an elderly woman a lie concerning how you came to be in that
situation. A total fabrication. Do you find it easy to lie?”
“Sometimes.”
“Have you lied to me during our session time
together?” she said, examining my facial gestures.
“No, I haven’t lied to you,” I boldly said,
lying straight to her face. I seem to
have a knack for lying when it suits my need to do so.
Her expression didn’t reveal whether she
believed me or not. She simply made a
notation on her pad and pressed forward with her questioning. “October twenty-second, that was the day you
told Henry you were ready to change your life…why?”
“I was burned out, stressed out and I truly
couldn’t stand that awful nightmare any longer.
I was thinking of suicide,” I said in earnest.
“So, at this point did you regret all the pain
and suffering you caused others to experience?”
“Sure, I guess I did.”
