Is my Head above water?
For the next months, I, Simon, saw many extraordinary things happening while walking with the Lord. I can now call Him that because He has proved himself over and over. I’ve seen many miracles; lepers healed, the dumb talk, the deaf hear, and the blind healed so they can see, but the strangest of our walking together; were the parables. For I have not met nor heard of a man like this Jesus is. To say it is perplexing would be an understatement, for as different and mysterious as Jesus is, in no way is he outlandish. He has this demeanor about him that is calm, tranquil and very peaceful; a man with the authority of life, a man of knowledge and power, and I loved being around Him. I wanted to listen to Him, and I’d be attentive to all that he said, but I just couldn’t grasp the meanings of all these parables that he was telling us. There were twelve of us now walking almost daily with Jesus, three I’d known before, one was my brother Andrew, but the other eight, were new friends to me; I liked them. There were several more that walked with us, as someone new was added every once in a while, and at about the same speed, several would leave, some were even women, but all in all, we were a pretty tight knitted group. A couple of us had what you might call a shady background, one was accused of stealing, one a tax collector, which of some sort means thug, and didn’t have much of a reputation, one was even called a whore; myself, well let’s just say that quite often they’d ask me to take a bath to wash the years of fishing off me, but like I said, we all got along agreeable with each other.
For days now the crowds of people were pressing upon us, many great and mysterious works were done by the hand and the words of Jesus. Early one morning Jesus came to where I was sleeping under a small palm, and spoke softly until I awoke. His words were to the effect that we should all leave for the mountains, escape the crowd, and hear the things the Father was giving to Him. So as we all gathered, we walked. The sun was just rising, the air had heaviness to it, and the thirteen of us set out on a journey, that none but our Leader knew.
My thoughts once again ran rampant, as they usually do, but I did know that this same Jesus could be trusted, and we were becoming pretty good friends. Not knowing what to expect, we all talked amongst ourselves, and came to the agreement that this trip too, would be good. I think each of us understood that being with this man Jesus, was exactly what God had ordained individually for each, and would follow Him in which-ever direction that was asked.
As the sun rose high in the mid-day sky, we was now climbing up a mountain where the air had sharpness to it, sometimes singing, sometimes discussing, and at times quiet, but always following. For where else could a man go and hear the things of God unless he followed this man called Jesus. After several more hours of climbing up narrow paths, around great boulders, and through brush that would take the hide off one’s shins, He thought it was time to take a rest, so finding shade and a nice place to sit we stopped for what we thought was going to be a few minutes, an hour at most. After nestling in the tall grasses and relaxing under the blue of the sky, we noticed down the hill, not far, was a multitude coming up the same path we had taken.
Jesus, standing just feet below us, spoke that this is a time to pay attention, open our ears and hear these things of the Father, and took a seat on a large rock that was rounded on the edges from the eons of weather. As the crowd grew closer, I slide down the side of that mountain to set beside Him, the others found places close enough that they could hear, even if He spoke in His normal soft voice.
And He began to speak about the blessed poor, the blessed that mourn, the blessed who are merciful, and several others that were blessed, and all that He said was beautiful. It felt like I understood what was said, but truth is; I didn’t. At the beginning I’d think that He was speaking about how blessed it was to be poor, sad, and soon, but years later, remembering all that was said, I understood more fully the deeper meaning of the sayings. The poor in spirit and the sad (those that mourn), were those that were not rich in the things and ideas of this world nor did they take stock in what this world offered, and have gone against their natural self. The sad, well, were not mourning because they left the old-man behind, but because many didn’t. The Spirit wars against the flesh, and at the beginning of transformation the flesh man mourns. Even when Jesus would speak of adultery, in the early years I was thinking he spoke of carnal knowledge, He did not; the words were given to us that all would take heed before placing man or object, or even a person before the Lord God. I’m not sure if I was the only one that didn’t get it right-away from the start, but I think the others had problems in this area also.
To bring this point across so you will understand, reflecting back, of how me and the other eleven disciples comprehended, or should I say looked foolish in our misunderstanding, let’s talk a little about the parable of casting a net into the sea and the gathering of every kind.
It is written: “Again the kingdom of God is like a drag net that was cast into the sea and gathered some of every kind, which, when it was full they drew to shore; and they sat down and gathered the good into vessels, but threw the bad away. So it will be at the end of the age. The angels will come forth, separate the wicked from among the just, and cast them into the furnace of fire. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth.” (Matthew thirteen) We listened, and listened intently, glued to each word as it proceeded out of Jesus’ mouth, I was even watching as His lips were moving, wanting to grasp every word and its’ meaning, and when He’d finished, I thought that I would have absorbed the meaning, but understood nothing. Now if this wasn’t bad enough, and since He knew our thoughts, Jesus turned around, looked straight at me and said: “Have you understood all these things?”
All of us said in unison; “Yes Lord.” But dumb me; I had to say it the loudest. I didn’t have a clue of what Jesus said, I knew the words, but not even a trace of value was apprehended by them. I was either bluffing or completely bedazzled, for yes I answered ‘yes’, but the parable sounded too cruel to be what I thought He was saying, but didn’t want to look stupid, and stupid I was.
Then Jesus said to us, in a nice way, to prove we were all wrong in our answer: “Therefore every scribe instructed concerning the kingdom of Heaven is like a householder who brings out of his treasure, new and old.”
All of us were, as yet, thinking through our senses; all had a carnal mind that wasn’t able as yet to understand the deeper or higher meaning of His parables. And He flat out told us that we were trying to mix His new way of thinking with our old ways, it wasn’t going to work. The wicked and the just that are among us, in the parable, was speaking of my way of thinking. How man tries to combine the ‘good and evil’ and put it into the same basket. It can’t be done, nor can you pour new wine in an old wine skin, it just won’t work. The mixing of the thoughts that I had, was keeping me tied to this earth and its’ way of thinking. I didn’t understand this then, for as yet I hadn’t received the power of the Holy Spirit. So looking back, I can now see why those that are blessed and mourn, (wailing and gnashing) are truly blessed, for they have come to the level that separation of the meaning of the ‘senses’, and meaning of the ‘Kingdom of Heaven thoughts’, are on two completely different levels, and cannot be combined. The different fish, that were lined up and sorted, (the good and wicked), are the same aspects of the same person, (the understanding of the Spirit, and the understanding of the flesh), is that war that goes on in each of us. And this combination won’t work, for to grow to a higher level of Life; has to be ‘rightly divided’.
Anyway, this was a time in my life, the beginning, for me to come to understand just how much I didn’t understand, nor did we comprehend but a little, if any, of the teachings that Jesus gave to us these past months, even for years. Little did I know then that all that was spoken, all the parables, even all that He did was to give us an identity of himself, and a route to follow to the apprehension of thinking, believing in this new way. For Jesus alone is the Way, that leads to Truth, that leads to Life.
I was so caught up in the things of my life, and the world, and especially the miracles that were done often before me that I hadn’t stopped long enough to truly try to understand the meanings that Jesus taught. It was one day, sunny and bright, and we’d just got through talking with some of the Sadducees, walking in the region of Caesarea Philippi, when Jesus asked us; “Who do men say that I, the Son of man, am?”
One of us heard that he was John the Baptist; another heard someone call Him Elijah, even the prophet Jeremiah or one of the others were named.
We, the disciples, had talked about this several times amongst ourselves and none of us could really come up with an answer, so we all just answered in the way He asked; and that was, what others said. Then out of the blue, point-blank, He asked us who did we say that He is? Without discernment, without meditation what-so-ever, and also without my brain being involved, I said; “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
Now where did that come from, I was thinking rapidly in my mind, it makes sense, I thought, but at this point, I really didn’t know that statement to be true, so I guess I spoke a little too quickly. But immediately Jesus came back and answered to me and said that I was blessed and that; “flesh and blood had not revealed this to me.” With quick deliberation, I said to myself, you got that right, but before I could finish my thoughts He continued; “but my Father, who is in Heaven, has revealed this to you…”
Wow! This is pretty good, I’d done something right, I thought, still not listening to Him very closely, and he uninterrupted said; “…you are Peter and upon this rock I shall build my Church.” And He would give me the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven, and I could bind or loose anything I wanted in Heaven or on earth.
Let me stop here a moment and tell you that I Simon, I mean Peter was on top of the world, I was the big man now and was given that title by the man in authority. I’d so often wondered whether I was top ranked in this group of twelve, and now I know that I was. I was to lead the other eleven by example, I was no longer a misfit, but a man with responsibility, and He said He was going to build something on me, now that part I didn’t quite get.
It wasn’t but a few moments later that Jesus began telling us that He must suffer many things, and be rejected by the elders, chief priests, and the scribes, and then be killed. Now wait a minute, I was thinking again; I’m not going to let this happen, not to this man, He is the Christ of God, and it was my responsibility and obligation, since I was the leader of the others, to not let this happen as long as I have the power to stop it, and I have the power, or so I thought. So as leader of the twelve, I took Jesus to the side and told Him that I would never let this happen, and that I would never let anything bad, much less this ever happen to Him.
Jesus turned around, looked at the other eleven and then looked straight at me and rebuked me, right in front of all that were watching, and all of them were watching. Saying; “get behind me satan, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but only of the things of man.”
At that time in my life I was only mindful of the goals that I had in life, and mostly of the things that I could see. As long as I was with this man Jesus, and seeing all that He’s done, and hearing all that He spoke, things would go well. By well I mean, that I thought I was on top. When I had to go home for a while, or Jesus would go someplace by himself, and no one was around me, I’d even doubt what I saw, and especially be confused about what He said. But up close and when we were personal, I had the bull by the horns, I’d feel the power of His presence, but not in His absence. When Jesus wasn’t with us, and mostly when He wasn’t with me, I couldn’t hang on to the Truth if my life depended on it, except in rare occasions.
When Jesus asked; who do we say He is, and I announced His authority, it was as if something had taken a hold on me, and proclaimed it through my voice. I, at that moment, slipped out of my skin, and without thinking made that proclamation. And saying the right thing, at the right time, went to my head and I was swelled with gloat. So, being proud of myself, and as He continued talking with us about His upcoming persecution and death, I thought it appropriate to make sure all knew that I would defend Him with all my flesh. Yes, you heard me correct, my pride and flesh was right where it always is, in the wide open, and this time everybody saw that I was a fool, for there was no escaping the reprimand that was given, and I thought to me, with the reference to satan. It hurt, and it hurt badly, for I was humiliated, but later in my life this disproval would teach me something that would help shape my life forever.
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There were more than a few, what we might call failures, in my life, and really they are not classified as bad or wrong, it’s just back then I saw things literally. I had known of nothing different than the carnal ways of man, it was my eyes that kept getting in the way of me seeing. What little training that I did have was an extension of the teachings from the Scribes, Pharisees, and the Priest of the Temple and the synagogue, for they taught the precise, literal laws of Moses. In fact when we were told not to go more than fourteen furlongs on the Sabbath, it was fourteen furlongs, and not one step farther, not one inch more could we go even if we had to go hungry knowing our next meal was only feet away. But, you know, I really didn’t hold to all that teaching, that is unless someone was looking, but I went along with it most of the time, I guess to keep peace.
Anyway, back then, before the indwelling of the Holy Ghost, I saw and heard things pretty much the way they were outwardly, you know, with my flesh senses.
A few days after Jesus was walking and talking with us and about, that some of us would not taste death till the Kingdom of God is revealed, He took James, John and myself up on a high mountain. He was transfigured right in front of us, I mean everything about Him had changed, it was like He was transparent, and His face shone like the sun, and His clothes were white like new fallen snow, only brighter. Behold, there appeared two men, and all three were talking to one another; both were speaking in a quiet voice to Jesus. It was then that I approached them, little did I know and little did I accomplish, for all I could see was that their voices and appearances were like bright clouds, very bright clouds, but I knew something of significance was happening; and I wanted involved. There before me was my Lord and Moses and Elijah, all translucent, and I felt I had to do something to show leadership in front of the others, so I spoke. “Lord, our Rabbi, it is good for us to be here; and let us make three tabernacles: one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” I said this because I didn’t know what to say and certainly didn’t have a clue as to what to do, for the fear that surged up inside me was great, and I honestly didn’t know what to do, so I did what was always standard in my life; I opened my mouth.
It was then that a cloud came and overshadowed us, and a voice came from that cloud speaking; “This is My beloved Son, hear Him.” If I wasn’t afraid before, and I was, it was a guarantee that fear had a hold of me now, and I think the others also. One might think us to be dreaming, but on this beautiful sun shining day, this wasn’t the case. James looked at John, then at me, John seemed bewildered, and I had this expression of amazement, for what took place, we didn’t know, but it was real, more real than our own being. As we stood in a stupor, looking this way and then that, all we could see was ourselves and Jesus as He normally is.
Standing there in a half daze for more than a few minutes, without a word we all began to walk down that mountain. Maybe a half hour later, while still walking down hill , we talked with Jesus about Elijah, but even that conversation didn’t make a lot of sense to any of us disciples. This was a time of significance and I missed it; or so I thought.
All twelve of us were close at this time, and truly enjoyed each other’s company; we were working as a single unit, and even though we didn’t realize it at this time, had not developed inwardly to the level that would only come later. The closeness we had was an advantage to all of us, at least the three of us could speak to one another openly; and that was a certainly a comfort.
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These episodes about fighting the flesh, in my carnal way of thinking, reminds me of the time when Jesus wanted to be alone in the mountains, and sent the twelve of us on a ship to cross the sea and wait for Him there. Often he spent time alone, but not for long periods of time.
We had just gotten through feeding well over five thousand with the smallest amount of food, and my thoughts were running deep. So I thought, and as the group of us had just about reached the mid-point of the waters, somewhere around midnight, a couple of the disciples saw Him walking toward us on the waters of the sea. Some thought Him to be a ghost, but I didn’t really know what to make of it, but it was troubling. As Jesus yelled across the open water, it was then we realized for certain who He was, and wanting again to be the big-shot, and with a feeling of desire to please Him, I bid Him to let me come to where He was, and both could then walk to the ship together.
Jesus responded; “Come.”
With Jesus less than a hundred feet away, with a moonlit night, I could clearly see Him as He paused and waited on me. I was feeling good about this, and had no doubt that I too could walk across the water. The moon behind Him in the clear sky, the sparkles from it on the water, my eyes were adjusted to the darkness, and I could clearly see; I was focused. And as I come down from the boat, and stepping upon the water, it held me up, just as it has done Him.
If this didn’t prove that I was the other elevens’ leader, I surely wouldn’t know what it would take, so I walked. Yes, right there in front of all, I walked across that water focused on Jesus, and heading straight toward Him. In a few moments the wind began to blow, I really don’t know how hard, but hard enough to make some pretty good size waves. Looking at the waves I became afraid, and began to sink. What was I to do, a storm in progress, my Lord still some fifty or so feet in front of me, what was I to do? I didn’t even have time to think that the men that depended on me were watching, I cried out. The sound that came from my mouth sounded more like a shrill than it did coming from a grown man, I panicked, and I was looking in every direction but at Him, but knew to call out or drown. “Help me lord”, was all that I could get my voice to say, but it was enough. He led and helped me back on the boat and we carried on toward the other shore.
It began to barely penetrate that I was not as strong as maybe I was thinking, maybe not the man for this position; maybe I wasn’t even supposed to be here. But as we sailed toward the eastern coast, not a word of humiliation was spoken, in fact, all talked and scuffled around the boat as if nothing unusual had happened; but I went inside myself. My intensions were good, I felt, at times, I was up for the job, and I knew I loved this man called the Christ of God, but when He wasn’t around, I didn’t do so good.
Looking back at this and several other situations, knowing what I now know, I understood that I knew Jesus in the flesh, I knew Him in my mind, and always knew that as long as He was close by, everything was going to be alright, but on my own, not so much. We were connected, and this I knew, but in the puberty of being transformed; I struggled. As long as I walked with Him, and my eyes were fixed on His presence, I believed, as long as I did not look to the left, nor to the right; I could sustain.
All the emptiness, the deep void in my life, and the lack of purpose were well remembered, for I had carried them for so many years, and still did to some degree, for these few years; but when I am with this man, all my life, my soul, had a meaning that I certainly was not willing to walk away from, for I needed this man Jesus. I had a fulfillment with Him that cannot be expressed, and my hope was that this relationship with Him would never end. For many times I had felt like a man in the vast ocean, swimming as if my life depended on it, as if I would drown at any moment, but now, it’s like I keeping my head above the waters. Life began to have meaning. I even knew then that much more was yet to come, and wanted to absorb all of this Christ that my being would soak in, and what would lie ahead of me?, I had the faintest clue, but from somewhere within, I knew it was coming. The Spirit within was speaking unto me; but my listening skills, weren’t that acute.