My head aches. I open my eyes to a white ceiling. I turn onto my side. There is
white bedside table with a glass of water on it. I sit up and take a sip. I am wearing
a white uniform. It matches the walls and the bed sheets. Actually, it matches
everything in the room. At least it’s comfortable. What the fuck happened in the
cage? I must have been dreaming because this looks like a standard hospital
bedroom. Sterile and streamline. I must be back in Light City. I scan the room for a
Nigredo pad. Nothing. I swipe the counter for access to change the white walls
into a nature scene, but nothing happens. Wait a second, there aren’t any
windows either. My headache is getting worse. I open my Palmer to locate the
closest Nigredo pad, but my Palmer has been removed. I rub the incision on my
wrist. It has already healed and formed a scar. What is going on here? Am I in
quarantine?
“Where am I?” I ask aloud.
“Hello, is anyone there?!” I ask again. I get up and start sliding my hands over the
walls. There should be a door here. Nothing. I begin to feel claustrophobic again.
A hologram appears of a man with a pair of baggy pants and a chiseled body. He
has beaded dreadlocks and a necklace around his neck. By the look of this guy I’m
definitely not in Light City anymore, or this is a test of some kind.
“Who are you?” I ask unimpressed.
“I am Yoo” the hologram bows down with his hands pushed together.
“And who the fuck are Yoo supposed to be?” I ask irritated. The hologram laughs.
“How are you feeling?” he asks calmly ignoring my aggravation.
“You can’t seriously be asking me that right now? Is this some sort of test?” I ask
still sliding both hands over the walls of the square room, but there is still no
door.
“How are you feeling?” he asks again. This must be a containment room for the
infected. They must think I have The Urge. Do I have The Urge? I try to keep calm.
If this is a test acting like a suspicious motherfucker feeling the walls for doors
definitely won’t pass the test. I need to cooperate. “I feel fine” I reply and sit
down on the bed.
“Can you explain what you are experiencing?” he crosses his legs over each other
and floats mid-air. The list of The Urge’s symptoms pops into my head again
“restlessness, insomnia, dreaming, paranoia…” I whisper.
“Ah, you suffer from sickness of the soul. Your soul is stuck in Nigredo” he says.
“If you can appoint me to the nearest Nigredo pad I’ll be able to get my soul
back” I joke.
“I recommend eating something to regain your strength” he moves to a platter of
fruits and vegetables that slide into the room from an opening in the wall.
“I would prefer a hit of Nigredo. I don’t eat that shit.”
“Why is that?” he asks.
“It doesn’t taste like anything and besides it fucks with my Nigredo levels, so I’d
probably need a double dose of Nigredo afterwards.” I don’t know why I’m
explaining myself to a hologram, but if it’s a test I think I’m doing okay so far.
“When you feel hungry feel free to eat as much as you need” he turns and
vanishes.
What the fuck is going on here? I try to keep my cool and lay down on the bed.
Maybe I’ll wake up and it will all just be a dream and I’ll be back at the base. I
eventually fall asleep and wake up in the dark. There is an opening in the roof
where half-moon is shining through. Now I’m sure that I’m not in Light City. They
must have me in a facility far away because there is no cloud cover, unless it’s a
simulation. My thoughts are distracted by what I guess are hunger pains. I try to
distract myself by looking at the sky, but it makes me feel very alone. I can feel
the tears start to build up. What is happening to me? I jump up and eat some of
the food on the platter to distract myself from the sadness. If I can stay calm
whoever is watching might see that I’m still under control of my emotions. But
what if I’m not? What if I am infected and it’s only going to get worse? I try not to
think of the images I saw of the effects of The Urge in quarantine, but the tears
and the fear is a bit too overwhelming and I start to weep uncontrollably. I sit on
the floor next to the bed and grab the pillow to hide my face.
I wake up with my head in the wet pillow. I must’ve fallen asleep.
The hologram appears again in a seated position on the floor in front of me. “Did
you enjoy your food?” he asks.
“It was bearable” I say as I dry my eyes with the back of my hand. He smiles.
“Are you ready for your first lesson?” he asks.
“What lesson? Why am I here?” I ask angrily.
“All will be revealed in due time, for now just breathe with me” he says expanding
his diaphragm. This sounds all too familiar, but I do as instructed. We look at each
other and breathe for a minute, which feels like a lifetime because his
concentration is unbroken, and I can’t maintain eye contact. I have no idea where
this is going, but eventually I start to feel more relaxed. He must have picked up
on it because he closes his eyes and I follow suit.
“With your eyes closed” he inhales, “just focus on your breathing” he exhales. I
inhale again. What’s the point of this? Are they testing my sanity? My thoughts
run off. I exhale. Oh yeah, my breathing. I have started to breathe shallowly, but
Yoo is still breathing deeply so I continue. I inhale deeply. Why haven’t they
administered Nigredo yet? Are they waiting to see if the symptoms get worse? I
begin fidgeting. What is this place? Why am I sitting on the floor with a hologram?
I open my eyes and Yoo is smiling at me.
“What the fuck is going on here?” I ask frustrated. I get up and try to bump over
the bedside table, but it seems to be bolted to the floor. I take a closer look and
realize it’s protruding out of the floor! I check the bed and it seems to be coming
out of the floor too. I feel fear and frustration give way to anger. I yell at the top
of my lungs and I try to kick over the bedside table, but hurt my foot instead. I fall
to the floor in agony. The hologram hovers over me, legs crossed laughing
hysterically.
“The gateway of your initiation is in your heart, but it’s hidden underneath your
habitual thoughts and actions.”
“What the fuck is this place?” I beg with my foot in hand. No doubt I completely
fucked up the emotional stability test.
“You are currently within a higher vibrational energy center. Your mind is re-
rooting to adapt to the higher vibrational frequency by bringing suppressed lower
vibrational emotions to the surface.”
“Huh?”
“You think that you are alone and separate from everything and everyone else.
No wonder you feel afraid.”
“I’m not afraid!” I yell.
“Your conscious mind seeks distractions to take the focus away from the pain. The
false boundaries and frustrating sense of separation will dissolve when balance is
restored” he continues.
“I just want to get the fuck out of here!” I yell.
“The prison you have created for yourself derives from your beliefs about yourself
and the world. You are starting to address the root causes of your issues rather
than numbing the symptoms of discomfort and that is a good. In time you will
figure out what makes you truly happy instead of faking perfection and it will give
you a new perspective on the meaning of life.”
“What is this, some kind of spiritual awakening?” I mock.
“You are going through purification. You need to understand your dark mind by
accepting your feelings and freeing yourself from attachment to people and
things, so you can get a clearer sense of who you are. One by one your inner
conflicts will be resolved until a completely new inner state of clarity and freedom
is achieved.”
“So, you are saying if I accept my feelings I will get out of here?”
“Yes, and by allowing your suppressed feelings to come forward for healing and
releasing them you will grow deep roots and be strong and stable enough to
complete your spiritual purpose.”
I don’t know what he’s talking about. Fuck my knees hurt.
“Ah, knees. You must bow down to the greater good by expressing your feelings
fully while stepping into your destiny.”
“So, you’re saying I should sacrifice myself for the ‘greater good’? I frown.
“No, stepping into your destiny will allow you to properly honor your own best
interests as well as those that are greater then you are.”
“Wait, did you just read my mind? “I ask surprised.
“Yes” he says nonchalantly. “But first you must learn to trust your Self” he
continues.
“When you’re afraid you tend to attack or go for quick fixes, it has become
instinctive, which makes it hard to make good long-term decisions. You have been
stressed out for a long time and it has clouded your judgment and drained all your
energy, you need to replenish. Rest and allow re-rooting to heal and replace your
worn-out beliefs. There is no need to defend yourself anymore. You are safe. Eat
when you feel hungry” a food platter materializes out of the wall again and he
bows his head as he vanishes.
This must be some sort of advanced simulation room. I sit up and lean back into
the corner of the room with my foot in hand. There is nothing around to stimulate
my mind and now the pain is all I can focus on.
“What is happening to me” I wipe the tears from my eyes. I look like a complete
pussy, but crying somehow makes me feel better, even though I have no idea
what I’m crying about. I remember reading that depression is one of the
symptoms of The Urge. “The pain will subside once you put down resistance” I
recall the moment on the skybridge or did I hear it again now? I must be losing my
mind.
After calming down I become aware of my body. My back doesn’t feel like it’s
resting against anything. I turn around and watch the wall retract to form a
corner. I lean back again, and it takes the shape of my spine. I move forward, and
it retracts into a corner again.
“That’s fucking impossible.” I lean back again, but this time nothing happens. I do
it a few times, but the corner stays a corner. What is going on here? I sit for a
while and scan the room.
“I’m stuck in a square. I’m stuck in a sterile square” I start singing to myself.
Eventually I grow bored and just hum the tune while I stare at the fruits and
vegetables. The bright colors offer the only visual stimulation in the room. Why
do I need constant stimulation?
“I’m stuck in a square. I’m stuck in a sterile square.”
The frustration makes me jump up and run to the food platter. I pick up the food
and start throwing it against the walls. The red of the tomatoes make blotches
that splatter red droplets into all directions. The ripe avocado halves, the
bananas, the peaches, the grapes everything that could be squashed hit the wall
one after the other. I put my hands into it and start smudging it all over the walls.
“What is going on here? Why are you doing this to me?” I yell. Crying and raging I
rub the crushed fruits all over the walls, the weird furniture, the bedding and my
clothes. Yeah, I have completely lost it. When I’ve worn myself out, I fall on the
bed and pass out.
I wake up in the dark again. I’ve completely lost track of time. The opening in the
ceiling seems larger. The moon is larger too. The moonlight lights up the room in
an eerie way and animates the fruit stained walls. The avocado and banana
smudges look like a giant bird, its beak open and its wings spread out, but it looks
distressed. It is caught in the red beams that surround it. Yes, it’s captured in a
cage. My tattoo on my chest! I look down at my chest and the silky white outfit is
soiled. I take off my shirt. I see the falcon spread over my chest with a caged heart
in its claws. Why did I paint it? What is happening to me? I wipe my face clean
with the dirty shirt and pick up a bruised apple and eat it. It tastes good.
Yoo appears with a bucket. A wet sponge falls from the roof onto my head. I catch
it and throw it at Yoo, but he has already vanished. I get the message, and since
there is nothing else to do I take off my clothes and wash them first. I’ve obviously
lost my shit so no use holding back now.
“Naked in a trippy chamber” I hum a new song while I scrub the walls down. I
wash myself and everything else. I’m drained by a little work, but Yoo appears just
as I finish, floating in his infamous seated position again.
“Let me guess, another breathing exercise?” I ask sarcastically. He nods. I feel
tired, so I comply. I relax quicker than before and when I open my eyes Yoo is no
longer there. I don’t know how long I just sat there, but the room feels different
somehow. The full moon is shining into the room. It makes it feels bigger, or
maybe I just feel less tense? I look around and all the furniture retracts into the
floor. Whoever is in control here obviously doesn’t want me to sleep now. I stand
up and the floor is bouncy. I bend down and stick my finger into it. It’s like the
room is becoming more malleable. “Who is watching me? Who are you?” I ask
aloud.
Something starts protruding from the wall. It looks like three-dimensional letters.
I step back to get a better look. It’s a list.
“I am Jet Orgo
I am 26 years old
Born on the 27/04/01
Net Worth: 1 662 369 Watts
Title: Aquabot Captain.
Identification number: 270401991
Address: Basilisk Building level 15, Upper Light City.
Son of Robert Orgo, founder of Orgonic Industries
Mother died of blood cancer at age six
Drives a Condor
Best friend is Colin” I read aloud.
I walk up to the list and use my finger to draw a line through my family name. I
am not associated with it anymore. The opening in the roof enlarges and lights up
a coffin where my bed used to be. I walk to the coffin and open it, only to find
myself lying inside staring out at my parents who are looking in. My mom is
crying, and my father is consoling her. She picks up a needle and injects a dark
substance into her heart. It spreads throughout her body and she steps back and
disappears into the shadows of the room. I try to stop her, but my father slams
the coffin shut. I hear a falcon cry and feel a pain in my chest. I kick the coffin
open and the room has transformed into a cage. My arms seem to be
transforming into wings. I am the falcon in the cage now. I am growing larger, or
the cage is shrinking? Either way, the cage is going to crush me.
“Let it go” I hear a voice. I feel the pain in my chest intensify.
“Let it go” the voice repeats.
“Let me go!” I shriek just as the cage is about to crush me.
I open my eyes with a gasp and see Yoo sitting across from me. We are still busy
with the breathing exercise. He opens his eyes and nods in approval. I want to tell
him about what just happened but for some reason I think he knows.
“What is happening to me?” I whisper.
“Are you ready to let go?” he whispers back. I don’t know what he means by that,
but I nod in agreement.
“What are feeling?” he asks sympathetically.
I sit quietly for a while trying to find words to explain what I’m feeling. “The
isolation is fucking unbearable!” I sniff. “I don’t see or feel beauty anymore. Life
has become meaningless” I continue.
“Life as your ego has known it is outdated” he says calmly.
“Sounds like I need an upgrade?” I shrug sarcastically.
“Yes, you do. It is time to change the way you think about yourself and the world.
Your dark mind is stepping forward to begin the re-rooting process. If you put
down resistance it shouldn’t be too uncomfortable.”
“Not too uncomfortable?” I raise my eyebrow and sniff again.
“The Nigredo comedown can be an uncomfortable experience, but it is necessary.
Your nose is runny because you have been suppressing your tears and doubting
yourself.”
“I’m sniffing because my immune system took a knock in the cage” I affirm.
“Waves or particles” he mumbles.
I don’t know what he meant by that.
“When I’m not sleeping, I’m crying. I think I might be on the verge of a nervous
breakdown” I continue.
“You are being drawn into your dark mind and your ego feels frustrated and
isolated. Your ego is stuck in this” he scans the room “emptiness and sterility” he
continues “because you have placed too much emphasis on wealth and status.
When you accept this, we can begin releasing your attachment to things that are
preventing your true happiness.”
I just look at him trying to make sense of all this.
“You are mourning the death of your old self” he says as he begins to fade away.
I remember the coffin.
“Great shifts are occurring within you, sleep is a time of integration, so rest when
you are tired” he says and vanishes.
The room is back to normal again.
I touch the wall and it feels solid. I bend down and touch the floor and it’s solid
too. I fall asleep for a few hours and wake up again. This continues throughout the
day and I wake up more tired than before I went to sleep.
The darkness brings heat waves that surge through my body. I’m soaked and then
I’m shivering.
“Can you fix the air conditioning in here?” I yell. The moon lights up the room
again and I feel a heat wave run through my body and rush to my hands. My
hands glow red in the darkness! I jump to the water bucket I used to clean the
room, but I’m distracted by my reflection in the water. My hair touches my
shoulders already. The image becomes clearer and I see the break out on my face.
“What the fuck is wrong with my skin?” I think aloud.
“Your skin is a dramatic way of “coming out” about formerly repressed or
embarrassing issues” I hear a voice.
“Oh, great now I’m hearing voices too” I laugh in disbelief.
“Your body feels strong and safe enough to release those volatile emotions” it
continues.
“Why is it around my mouth and on my chin?”
“The colon represents control and the liver houses anger, especially anger
stemming from frustration” it explains.
“So, my chin is telling me that my liver is frustrated?” I try to hold down my
laughter.
“You are housing anger and are now beginning the process of releasing it. Your
skin eruptions reflect the release” the voice says bluntly.
“How do I process the emotions?” I ask sincerely.
“Accept your feelings as they come up and let them go. Expand it outward until it
dissipates. Don’t direct it at anyone.”
I feel the energy run up my body again.
“It’s like the full moon brings up heat waves that heat me from head to toe. I have
been sweating all night.
“What did I do to deserve this?” I waddle in a pool of self-pity while shaking my
hands in attempt to cool them down.
“Yes, power surges can be uncomfortable. I’m surprised you linked it with the full
moon. Just a pity your victim mentality still shifts blame instead of embraces
change. But we’ll get to that when you are ready. You never get more than you
are ready to master” the voice continues.
I blow onto my hands to cool them down and it reminds me of the breathing
exercise I did with Yoo. I sit down on the floor and breathe deeply to calm down.
When I’m relaxed the ventilation increases and room cools down, and when I’m
tense or angry and my breathing becomes shallow, it heats up. It’s like my
breathing affects the ventilation, which regulates the room temperature.
“Waves and particles” I mutter to myself.
I continue breathing and expand the feeling outwards as instructed. I feel the
tension leave my body as I go into the dark.
I am in the Aquabot. I am alone. “Hello Captain Jet” the bot welcomes me in the
French accent.
“Hello” I greet her happy to hear a familiar voice.
“Do you like it down here?” she asks.
“Yes” I reply hesitantly, a bit uncomfortable with her strange question.
“Does your title make you feel important?” she asks.
“Yes, to a certain degree” I confess.
“Does it define who you are?”
“Yeah, it’s who I am” I raise my shoulders like it’s obvious.
“Is it?” the bot starts descending uncontrollably and the increase in pressure
causes water to rush into the head space. The water rises, and I take one last
breath.
I open my eyes. I’m still sitting on the floor soaked again.
“Who are you?” I ask, and the words protrude out from the wall again.
“I am Jet
I am 26 years old
Born on the 27/04/01
Net Worth: 1 662 369 Watts
Identification number: 270401991
Address: Basilisk Building level 15, Upper Light City.
Drives a Condor
Best friend is Colin.”
I slide my fingers over the scar on my wrist.
“No Palmer, no proof” I think aloud. I watch my net worth, address and car slowly
fade away. The room is becoming more malleable the more attachments I
release.
“I am Jet
I am 26 years old
Born on the 27/04/01
Best friend is Colin” I read aloud.
I slide my hands over the remaining words. What is happening to me? The Urge
must be re-rooting my brain, but I don’t feel tense or afraid anymore. I sit down
and close my eyes. My mind is calm.
I watch Colin returning to base without me. He is crying. They sent an immediate
evacuation alert. The Vanavasi sieged a Logbot and crashed it onto the wall
crushing the base below. I watch his tears give way to rage on the way back to
Light City and a strange black fog penetrating his chest. I watch him converse with
Sky-Lo and be promoted to general of The Harvest. I exhale and open my eyes.
“I am Jet
I am 26 years old
Born on the 27/04/01” I read aloud.
I inhale and close my eyes. I watch my mother give birth to me and a doctor sign a
birth certificate. I tap him on his shoulder. He turns and looks at me.
“Where was I before I was here?” I ask. He takes his pen and point towards my
mother on the delivery table.
“In Her.”
Yoo appears and begins to slow clap. I smile.
“Am I cured of The Urge?” I ask to gain a better understanding of the situation.
“The Urge has cured you” he smiles. “Let me show you something, close your
eyes” he instructs. I close my eyes.
I see a girl listening to music and dancing sensually. She looks free and
unbounded. I am immediately attracted to her. She throws her head down
between her legs and her long black hair falls to the floor. I think she’s doing yoga.
She holds the back of her ankles and wiggles her bum as she slowly raises upright.
She inhales deeply, and I watch her chest rise. She exhales as she rolls down again
and places her hands on the ground. Her back muscles flex as she pushes up on
her arms and lifts her lower body, balancing herself on her hands. I can sense the
beat of the music she is listening to by just looking at her move. She inhales
deeply, crosses her legs mid-air and slowly lowers her lower body to her elbows.
She straightens her legs through her arms and inhales again with her eyes closed.
Her form is perfect. She is perfect.
She lowers herself to the ground and smiles as she moves her head to the music.
Yoo coughs to get my attention.
“Who is that girl?” I ask.
“Your anima” he says.
“My who?” I frown.
“Your energetic opposite” he smiles.
“Like a soulmate?” I raise my eyebrow.
“If you believe in that sort of thing” he shrugs.
“What’s her name?” I ask excitedly. Not sure where it is coming from, I’m not the
romantic type, but hey, here’s to going with the flow.
“Personal information cannot be disclosed without consent