I wake up on the floor in a cage. I can hear extractor fans rumbling. I must be
inside a factory of some sort. I have the black bulca leather pants on I always wear
in Light City. No shirt. There is a balaclava on my face. Am I in quarantine? Strange
outfit for a medical facility? Maybe I’m dreaming again? I sit up against the cell
wall. There are about twenty other guys in here. They all have balaclavas on.
“Are you hungry?” someone yells from the back. The rest start laughing. I don’t
get it. The bigger one of the lot starts cracking his knuckles, cliché, I know what’s
coming. I pull up my pants as high as they can go, about midway up my calves.
“So, what the fuck is this supposed to be? “I ask aloud.
“Here we fight to eat” he says in a deep broken voice and walks towards me.
Looks like I’m done crying in my pillow for a while. I push myself upright. Couldn’t
they have fitted me with something more comfortable? It’s probably not the best
time for complaining. I shake loose and knuckle up. The big guy has his fists up
and ready. I walk up to him and he swings first. I lift my arms and move my body
to the side. His fist passes my face. I hear the air whistle past my ear. Fuck, this
guy can pack a punch, too bad he missed. I’d choose pain over sadness any day.
But I’m hungry so it’s best to stay out of his way. I jump up as he turns towards
me and I drop my arms over his shoulders and push his head down with both
hands. I lift my knee and slam his head into it. Knock out. He drops to the floor.
The other guys move closer and stare at me. I can see their eyes shining inside the
black balaclavas. They pick up the guy and slide him to the side of the cell and
someone rolls a plastic bag through the cage towards me. It’s tied up with an
elastic band. It is filled with cooked rice. I eat everything and use the elastic to tie
my hair into a tiny bun at the top of my head to keep my hair out of my eyes. It
has grown longer, and I can’t afford any distractions in this place. I scan the room
to see what I’ve got to work with. A tap and a plastic bowl, probably to wash up,
and about twenty dirty motherfuckers with balaclavas surrounded with concrete
and steel.
“So, we fight, we eat?” I ask while walking to the tap. I wash my hands and face.
Two guys jump up with me. “I don’t know about you but I’m hungry and it doesn’t
look like anyone is ordering take out” I say arrogantly. My knee hurts already, and
my head is starting to ache too. Must be from falling out of the bot. I’m used to
the pain simulator but Nigredo usually suppressed the pain afterwards. I scan the
room, no Nigredo zones in here. This must be quarantine.
The one guy taps the other guy on the fist. Looks like they’re teaming up. The one
guy walks straight towards me and I stand my ground. He swings high, but it’s a
distraction while the other guy kicks my foot out from underneath me. I fall to the
floor and they both start kicking me. I grab the guy that tripped me by the foot
and turn it. I hear his ankle break. The other guy slaps me on the right ear and I’m
diiizzy. He must have burst my eardrum. My ear is whistling, and I don’t know
what’s up and what’s down, but I manage to stand up just as the guy that’s still
standing takes a swing at me. He is bouncing from side to side, making it hard for
me to block. No, wait, he’s standing still and I’m swaying. He hits me in the jaw
and I bite into my tongue. The blood starts pouring out of my mouth. I don’t feel
any pain anymore and it somehow centers me. Adrenalin.
I wipe the blood running down my ear with my shoulder and spit out the blood in
my mouth. He starts jabbing at me like crazy and I block with my arms while I try
to regain my footing. The guy tires out and turns and laughs along with the crowd
that has gathered around us. He runs straight to me to give a knock out shot but
I’m not as fucked up as I look. I shift to the side and he passes me. I lower my
arms and shake out the tension. I smell blood. I taste blood and I remember
coming into this world covered in someone else’s blood, so I don’t mind leaving in
the same way. I’ve always wanted to use that line. The crowd spits on me. I walk
up to the guy as he turns around and I kick him in the face. He drops.
Everybody falls silent and surrounds me again. They just stare at me until
someone tosses me another bag of rice. I tie the elastic band to a strand of hair in
the back of my neck. They collect the two guys and the cell is quiet for the rest of
the night. I wash myself with the bucket. My ankle hurts now too. Pain isn’t a
pleasant sensation, sleeping on the floor neither. The next morning there are
three new guys in the cell, probably to replace the others.
Seems like I’ve gained some cage cred because the fights no longer start with me,
but they sure as hell end with me. They start with the new comers and I watch
them beat them up. The rest of the crowd yelling “You coward!” “Pussy!” “You
don’t have what it takes!” “Give up cunt!”
But it’s like they keep the best for last. I knock out one after the other and the
elastics are forming a hair wrap in my neck. But fresh cell mates keep coming in
every morning and my body is fucked up. The rice is barely enough to keep me
alive, not fuel a fight. I have pain everywhere now and I’ve even started leaving
some rice in the plastic bags to place underneath my joints when I sleep on the
floor.
I was angry when I arrived, but the anger is quickly being depleted and I’m left
with a hopeless sadness. It’s not strong enough to keep me fighting anymore. My
body hurts and without drive I’m left with fear and depression. There is no place
for fear in here. I need to get out.
The withdrawal from Nigredo is making me feel intensely. The emotions are
coming up and they are hard to hold down. I feel the pain in my body and a part
of me wants to apologize to it for causing it so much pain. Wow, where is this
coming from?
They approach me to fight but I don’t get up. I just ignore them. The kick me a few
times, and a part of me wants to get up so badly but I stop the anger from making
me fight, making me hurt myself. They eventually get bored and move along. I
watch them beat each other up and I feel my body become weaker and the fights
and screams become longer and louder. I close my eyes and go into the darkness.
It was so soothing last time. And it’s all I’ve got. The screaming becomes faint as
my mind falls silent. I feel relaxed. I suddenly see a pattern that wasn’t there
before.
I open my eyes and jump to my feet.
They are busy beating up someone and I stop in front of the attacker. “Why are
you fighting? Do you even know why you are here? And if it will ever end?” I yell.
The attacker stares at me and I recognize his eyes. I remove his mask.
They others spit and scream at me. I recognize all their eyes. I start pulling off
their masks one by one and they stop. I look at them and the tears start rolling
down my face. They stare at me and tears start rolling down their cheeks too.
They are all me.