I am dangling off a cliff. Boarian is next to me. He seems calm despite our
predicament. The ocean is crashing below us. The weather is cold, and the wind
blows my hair into my eyes. I throw it back and something catches my eye on a
rocky platform below us. It’s blue and big. It looks like a reptile. Before I can get a
good look at it, it rushes into the water. I feel my heart sink into my stomach as
the fear washes over me.
“It’s in the water” I say nervously. Boarian looks at me confused but sees the fear
on my face.
“W-we need to get off the cliff!” I stutter. I throw my left arm up to pull myself
up, but it has no strength and slips. From the corner of my eye I see the creature
shoot out of the water into the sky. I follow it until it disappears into the clouds.
Boarian is up already and reaches out to pull me up, but I am still staring up at the
sky.
“Amphi, give me your hand!” he yells over the crashing waves. I look up at him,
but I am frozen. A blue face breaks the clouds above his head, followed by a large
body with retracted wings. It dives down the cliff towards me. It nicks my
shoulder and disappears into the water. Boarian grabs me and pulls me up.
“What was that?” I gasp as I lay on the ground. “What was what?” he looks at me
confused.
I awaken on the floor next to a fire. It was a dream. It is dark. Where I am?
I sit upright. I feel drained and my right shoulder hurts. There are six puncture
wounds. They look like teeth punctures. Was I attacked by something? The blue
creature with wings. The blue dragon.
“Where am I?” I ask aloud.
“You are in the cave Amphi” a voice whispers.
“I feel numb” I whisper.
“The cave allows you to be earthed as you will be fluctuating through
frequencies” the voice echoes through the cave.
“You are germinating. You are stepping into the dark and your soul is taking over.
It is time to release resistance and step into your destiny. Let go and grow into
your power” it continues.
My body feels tired. I lift my arms and watch a black substance drip from my
fingertips. “Your dark mind is taking over to begin the transformation. You must
face yourself and accept your destiny else you will be stuck in the dark forever.”
“Healing through isolation and suffering?” I ask as I watch the dark substance
drip, drip, drip.
“No, through liberation. Liberation from limitation.”
I hear thunder and then it starts raining. I watch the droplets cleanse the Earth
below.
A spider lowers herself in front of me.
“You will receive a valuable gift, a gift from All Spirit” I hear a male voice. I look
around but don’t see anyone. I watch as the spider waits patiently for insects to
be attracted to the light of my fire and get caught in her web. The raindrops
sparkle like gems strung on a necklace. I take off my bangle and reach out
towards her. She lowers herself onto it and starts spinning a web.
The web is a perfect circle with a hole in the centre.
“Only good can enter here” I hear the Indian voice again. He is sitting next to me.
He attaches a string of beads with a feather dangling at the end to my bangle and
ties the dream catcher to my braid. It rests on my left breast.
I want to thank him but when I look up he has vanished.
The storm rages outside like the feeling inside my chest.
“From the darkness comes the light” the voice says compassionately.
“From the dark comes life” I mutter to myself.
“Go back to the night of the Pulssse” I hear my own voice. I close my eyes.
I’m lying on the floor in fetal position with my hand over my heart. The purple
glow has faded, and I feel weary from all the crying. I can’t remember why I was
crying though. I crawl to the bathroom, turn on the light and rinse my face with
water. The cold water feels warm over my cold fingers. I splash it over my face
expecting to feel refreshed, but my face is numb.
When I look in the mirror I see a gray face staring back. My hair is pale, my skin
white and my lips and eyes are gray. I try to cry but my tears seem to have dried
up too. I stay in the house and begin to feel completely detached from my old life.
Nothing is satisfying. I am numb, yet restless. The more I suppress The Urge the
more restless I become. My skin itches and I scratch until I bleed. I eat my nails
and my nail beds. I pluck out my eyebrows and my lashes. Eventually I take my
keys and my identity documents, place it on the kitchen counter and walk out.
“Why were you laying on the floor?” the voice asks.
“I don’t remember.”
“You suppressed The Urge and turned gray and emotionless. When the Purple
Pulse brought up the pain to be released you held on and used your power to
build a wall. You locked the pain in. Your soul has been trying to get your
attention through your behavior. Go back”
“No, it hurt.” I resist.
“The pain is infesting your soul. Go back and let it go” the voice insists.
There is tension in my chest and I feel the cold air chill the tear tracks on my face,
but I stay with it. I am lying on the floor emanating purple. I see my past flash
before my eyes and don’t look away this time. This is what Atta meant when he
told me to learn the lesson or I’ll need to repeat the class. If you don’t learn from
your mistakes you have to repeat it until you do.
I was so conditioned by pain that I recreated it. When the Purple Pulse came I
didn’t have the strength to face myself and instead of freedom I imprisoned
myself.
Fear was hiding behind every choice I ever made. Fear has a face, in fact it has
three, and it was attached to my soul. The faces turned in opposite directions and
changed their expressions so quickly you never knew which one was talking. It
was distorted at first, but it became clearer and stronger over time. It was tucked
into the back of my neck and gleaming over my shoulder when I kissed a man. It
sucked the life out of me as I searched for self-worth in his lips.
It made me go back to the people and things that hurt me because it knew I was
easily swayed by my emotions. So, by almost drowning me under waves of guilt,
sorrow, loneliness and insecurities I would be so desperate for air I would grab
onto anything or anyone for help and I would be staring up at the same people
and situations that got me gasping in the first place.
It is me. I accept my shadow self. I was looking for love outside myself and it left
me shattered and confused.
I am in the fetal position again and I manage to rewind time, for the first time. I
get up from the floor, kneel on my knees crying. I stand up and walk out the door
and wave to someone in a car. The car reverses and a guy gets out and walks
backwards towards me with a suitcase in his hand. He holds me for the last time.
“Bye Colin.”
A layer of purple light floats like luminescent liquid below the roof of the cave. It
starts drizzling onto the fire. I watch the fire fizzle out. Besides the river of light
above me I am surrounded with darkness now.
The purple light drips onto my hands and illuminates the lines on my palms. As
the light runs along the lines, they change. My index finger grows longer as my
head line connects with my heart line. The line of mercury connects my life line
with my heart line to form an upside-down triangle at the center of my palm.
The liquid coalesces on the wall behind me. I turn, and it reflects all the light now.
It is a mirror.
I briefly see my silhouette but turn away.
“Look at me” I hear my own voice.
“Look at me, look at me, look at me!” I hear myself sing and giggle.
I feel afraid. I don’t want to be here.
“You can’t run away from me. I am a part of you.”
I cover my ears. “Stop it, go away!”
“If you chase me away you consciously lock up a part of yourself and you will feel
forever fragmented.”
I cover my ears and close my eyes. This is just a dream, when I open my eyes this
will all be over.
“Do you know why you do what you do? Do you think about yourself as often as
you think about others?”
This is all just a dream.
“What is a dream Amphi? Where do your dreams come from?”
Why is this happening? This must be punishment for what I did?
“Ugh, you create so much noissse trying to drown out your inner voice. You don’t
trust your gut, so you keep reliving karmic cycles. Stop punishing yourself!”
“Why is this happening? Why am I here?” I yell scared.
“You are drawing your blockage to the fore for healing. Your roots are weak they
need to grow deep for you to grow into your power.”
“Jet” I whisper.
“Jet has weak core beliefs and is easily swayed by impressions. His insecurities
entrained your energy and made you feel spacey and vulnerable, that’s why you
were gaining weight.”
“Why don’t I feel like that around Boarian?”
“Boarian grounds your energy and reflects your need for earthing outside
energies as static builds up and interferes with your own signal.”
I hold onto my knees to feel safer.
“Amphi, you have been suppressing your calling for a long time. Jet is secondary.
Your attraction to Jet is a manifestation of your constant desire to distract
yourself. You have drained yourself to force you to look inward and allow a new
life to be born within you. Your true self. Face yourself so you can heal.”
I turn around and look at the waterfall of purple light.
Jet’s is staring back at me.
“You think you own me!” I yell at him.
“I thought you loved me?” he says angrily.
“You are selfish” I yell.
“Look who’s talking?” he smirks.
“Why do I have to suffer?” I start crying.
“You only suffer because you cling to your pain. If you let go and allow yourself to
heal you will not need to retake the same class over and over again. Let go and
allow your soul to guide you to your highest expression” I hear my own voice. I
look up to see myself staring back at me, but my face looks lopsided.
“Wait, he is reflecting me. I see myself in him.”
“Jet” I call.
He appears again.
“Thank you for showing me love” I confess.
A tear rolls down his cheek.
“Thank you for igniting my fire and bringing meaning back to my world” he says
and dissolves.
I reach out to him, but he has already vanished.
“I can’t believe you did that to him, you are a coward!” I cry to myself.
“You need external approval to feel important and it drains all your power. You
need to change the way you see yourself” I hear my own voice. I look up and I am
staring back at myself again.
“Sometimes I feel things that are very overwhelming, both joy and pain” I sniff.
“You feel deeply and that is your power, you must learn to project it and not
become uprooted by it.”
The mirror expands into a wall of water and an orca pod swims towards me. I step
back. “You must learn to feel at home in the ocean of your emotions. That is
where your power lies, but you fear the water like you fear your power.”
“I don’t have power, I don’t even have a power animal” I waddle in self-pity.
“You didn’t have a fixed name or spirit animal because you are the ocean. Your
home is the dark mind. You need to trust yourself enough to be guided by your
heart and release the fear of feeling.”
I step forward and place my hand through the water and touch one of the orcas.
My legs become covered in scales and my feet grow fins.
“You are a mermaid, half in water and half on land, one foot in the physical world
and one foot in the dark. You prevented yourself from evolving because you were
used to suffering, but love is a healer even if it has to tear you apart first.”
My stomach illuminates. There is a trident with a circle around it and a red eye
between my legs.
“Tearing yourself apart, bit by bit, exposing your soul. I felt you love yourself, if
only for a second. Complete with your darkness” I mumble to myself.
The seed breaks open and the power surges down my legs. A serpent coiled in my
groin awakens and curls up my spine. I look at my reflection in the water wall.
“Ssshe” I lisp with the tongue and eyes of a serpent.