Chapter Twelve
The week seemed more like a month, but finally Alex arrived and she picked him up at the airport. They had an entire week, so there was no need to rush into a conversation that might spoil everything. No reason except the fact that she was losing a lot of sleep.
Alex was there at dawn every morning to help with the chores and then they would take off in his truck. They went fishing one day and canoeing another. Yet the conversation never turned comfortably toward children. She was going to have to force it.
When the subject came up, though, it was completely unplanned. She was in the barn one morning before Alex arrived, struggling to trim Penny’s hooves. Snowflake had taken the ordeal with remarkable ease, but Penny was using every ploy in the book. Carmen had Penny in the stanchion and was straddling her, trying to trim one hoof when the little doe simply lay down. She was hanging from the stanchion and suffocating. Carmen released her and shoved her off the stanchion.
“I always planned to fill this farm with kids, but they’re going to be human and I hope none of them are like you!”
“What’s the matter?”
Carmen swung around to find Alex watching her. She blushed.
“She’s such a pill. I think I’ll take her to the sale barn and let someone else fight with her for a while. I don’t need the hassle.”
He rubbed his jaw and eyed her reflectively. “You always planned to fill the farm with kids?”
Every muscle in her body tensed. “Children,” she clarified.
His hand slipped around to the back of his neck.
“Yours?”
She laughed nervously. “I wouldn’t want to raise anybody else’s children, would you?” The metal clippers felt unusually cold in her clammy grip.
He picked Penny up and set her on the stanchion.
“I’m afraid I don’t have a choice.” He reached a hand out for the clippers. “Give me those.”
“Why?” She surrendered the clippers.
“Because I’m going to show you how to do this.”
He dumped Penny on her side and pinned her down with one knee.
“No, I mean why do you feel you have no choice?”
He clipped the nails back to expose pink quicks. Was he using the work to avoid answering her question? Finally he released the doe.
“See, that wasn’t so hard.”
“It didn’t teach her anything, either. I can’t do that each time when she’s a mature milk goat.”
They were drifting away from the subject. “But you didn’t answer my question. What did you mean when you said you had no choice?”
He leaned against the stanchion and cleared his throat. “I can’t have children.”
She stared at him. Was he under court order? She took a deep breath and plunged on.
“Why not?”
He shrugged nonchalantly. “Mumps when I was twelve.”
She let out the breath in a gush of air. He was trying to delicately say that he was sterile. A whole lot better than she had imagined. . . . yet still a blow - maybe even worse than she had thought. There was nothing ugly between them. No reason why they couldn’t get married - except one. Children were as much a part of her dreams as a husband was. She could follow her heart and marry the man she loved, but she would never be completely satisfied. Maybe she would even begin to resent him for it.
He was watching her intently and his face was pale under the tan.
“I’m sorry. It isn’t one of those things that you tell someone until you’ve already become involved.”
She tucked her hands in her back pockets and stared at the floor. Of all the things Katie discussed with Alex, why hadn’t this subject ever come up? But then, Katie didn’t expect them to hit it off, either. Who would have? The city slicker and the country hick - even Josh had warned her. But no one had warned her about the truth.
“My God, Carmen. It isn’t that bad. We can adopt children. It isn’t like I don’t want children.”
She gnawed on her lower lip. “It wouldn’t be the same. I don’t know if a man can understand this, but I want to hold a baby in my arms and know it’s a part of me and the man I love. I want an infant. You can’t adopt infants.”
“It happens. I can get a newborn baby for you, Carmen - if it means that much to you.”
She shook her head. “No. You don’t understand. I don’t want to raise an only child. I want four or five children, maybe more. Do you have any idea what it would be like to adopt that many children? What if the mother changed her mind? She has a right to, you know. I couldn’t stand to love a child and lose it.”
His gaze was intense. “Then we could use AI. It doesn’t matter to me if the baby isn’t biologically mine.”
She shook her head again. “I couldn’t do that. It’s playing god.”
His hands balled into fists and the knuckles turned as white as the line around his lips. The dark eyes stood out like pockets of hot chocolate in his pale face.
“So what are you saying? Hit the road?”
“No,” she gasped. “I don’t know what to say. I love you, but . . .”
“But I can’t make you happy,” he ground out. He turned away from her and swore bitterly, driving his fist into the milk bucket. It shot off the counter, hitting the block wall and bouncing off to roll across the floor and stop at Carmen’s feet.
She jumped back and stared the dent in its side. It was completely destroyed. She glanced at his hand, but if it was hurting, he didn’t seem to notice. He ran fingers through his hair and stared at her through tortured eyes.
She wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter, but it did. No wonder Katie had been so concerned. Katie knew a happy marriage with Alex was impossible. She wanted to strike out at someone - anyone, but there was no one to blame for this situation. There were some things that people simply took for granted. In a country filled with people aborting unwanted babies, how did this happen? How could God do this to them when all they wanted was to love each other and nurture their own children? Why were things always working out for other people? Katie was expecting a child now - Katie, who had trouble taking care of herself.
“All right,” Alex said in a voice near a whisper. “I want you to be happy. That’s more important to me than anything else. If you have to marry Josh to get that happiness, then I wish you both the best of luck.”
He marched across the floor to the door and opened it. “And lots of babies.” His voice broke and he stepped through the door, slamming it.
She stared after him. He was saying good bye. She started for the door to stop him, but half way to her destination she paused. She could bring him back, but for what? More torture? If she truly loved him, she would let him go. Let him find someone who wasn’t interested in having children - someone like Lori.
The idea was like a blow from a club. Her knees buckled and she slumped to the floor, wracked by ragged sobs. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a nightmare. If only she could wake up.
More than an hour later she was pouring herself a cup of coffee and wondering if a person could get dehydrated from crying. Whenever she seemed to be getting herself under control, a fresh bout of sobs would begin. There had to be something they could do to salvage their relationship. How could she go on without him? When did the house get so empty - so lonely?
By evening she was exhausted. After chores, she went to bed and cried herself to sleep. That was no escape, either. Alex was there, looking at her in that tortured way again. She woke and prayed fervently for an answer, and then fell asleep again - to the same nightmare.
She woke abruptly, not knowing what had disturbed her sleep. She waited breathlessly, straining to hear the least noise. The night was unnaturally silent. The clock ticked thirty long seconds away and then the silence was ripped by a ferocious growl. Brutus.
She leaped from the bed and struggled into her jeans, tucking her nightgown in while she grabbed her boots. All pandemonium broke loose outside. One of the goats was voicing a terrified cry and with it mingled vicious snarls and anxious barking. Obviously something was attacking the goats.
She raced down the hall tugging her boots on, hopping first on one foot and then on the other. At the door, she paused only long enough to flip on the yard and barn lights. Bursting through the door, she immediately spotted Brutus, who was waging a battle against a pack of wild dogs. She raced for the barn, for the first time wishing she had invested in that rifle Josh wanted her to buy. There must be something she could use in the barn - a pitchfork, anything.
Once inside the barn, she grabbed the pitchfork and a flashlight and then darted out the barn door, screaming at the top of her lungs. The dogs scattered, leaving Brutus wounded on the ground. Outside the circle of light lay a small form, and a sweep of the flashlight revealed fur with copper highlights. A lump formed in her throat as she recognized Penny. Brandishing the pitchfork with renewed courage, she boldly strode to Brutus. One ear was torn half off and his fur was bloody around the collar. A gash in one leg prevented him from rising. He whined as she knelt beside him.
“Lay still, Brutus,” she managed through a constricted throat. “I’ll check on Penny.”
Turning on the flashlight, she moved toward the goat. It was dead, its throat torn viciously. A dark form moved at the edge of the tree line and when she shined the flashlight in that direction, the light reflected off more than one pair of eyes. Were they waiting to devour Penny, or were they waiting to finish off Brutus? She slowly retreated and knelt beside Brutus again.
“Come on boy.” She tugged at his collar and he tried in vain to rise. “You’ve got to get up, boy. They’ll kill you if you stay out here.” He was too heavy to carry and the barn was at least a hundred feet away. She tugged at his collar again, but it was useless. If she ran to the house to call for help, the dogs would attack Brutus again. Somehow she had to take him with her . . . and soon. The forms were getting braver, darting out from the trees and then retreating when she flashed the light in that direction.
The wheelbarrow was in the barn, but even if she managed to get there and back, she couldn’t lift Brutus into it. It would be hard enough to get him on his rug once she had him in the barn. That gave her an idea. She backed away slowly, flashing the light on the forms. She ducked into the barn, grabbing a feed sack she remembered throwing beside the barn door. As she emerged from the barn, one of the forms was nearing the circle of light. She grabbed the pitchfork and poked it in his direction, screaming as she did so. The wild dog ran a few steps toward the trees and then stopped, his head low as he watched her. Better hurry, they were getting braver.
She raced over to Brutus and positioned the sack behind him. Ignoring his whines and growls, she grabbed his feet and rolled him over so that he was lying on the sack. It was going to take two hands to pull him - two hands and all her strength. She turned and threw the pitchfork toward the barn. Placing the flashlight on Brutus, she grabbed the sack with both hands and tugged. The sack and dog moved about two feet. Again she tugged and accomplished about the same. The wild dogs were gathering around the circle of light now, and two of them boldly began to devour Penny. She hated to leave the little doe for them, but maybe their interest in the goat would keep them occupied long enough to get Brutus into the barn. Three of the dogs ignored the feast, intent on her progress toward the barn. Where was the pitchfork?
She glanced around. Maybe five feet away. She turned back to find one of the dogs advancing. Grabbing the flashlight, she shined it into his eyes, screaming again. He backed up a few feet and stopped, lowering his head and growling in a way that made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end. She lunged frantically again, dragging Brutus nearly four feet this time. Thank God for adrenaline. The smart thing to do would be to abandon Brutus for the safety of the barn. If the dogs got any closer, she would have to.
Tug, scream, shine the flashlight, throw the pitchfork toward the barn. Tug . . . the closer she got to the barn, the braver the wild dogs got.
The telephone buzzer rang. Who would be calling at this hour? Was it possible that Josh had heard the noise and was checking?
“Oh, please, God. Send me some help. Don’t let Brutus die.”
The dogs were distracted momentarily by the sound of the telephone, but when it stopped ringing, they advanced further. She jerked on the sack again. She was getting tired and her efforts were less productive. Two more tugs and then she saw lights coming down the drive.
“Thank you, God!”
She tugged again and one of the dogs moved closer, baring his teeth. She screamed at him and flashed the light in his eyes, but he wasn’t impressed. She stumbled back and grabbed the pitchfork, jabbing it at him. He fell back a few feet and snarled at her. A vehicle door slammed and Josh was yelling for her to get back.
“He’ll kill Brutus!” she screamed, refusing to take her eyes off the wild dog.
“Get out of the way and I’ll shoot him!”
She instantly leaped to the side and rolled away from the animal, glancing up as the rifle belched flames. The wild dog cried out sharply once and dropped. The other wild dogs vanished.
“You fool!” Josh yelled at her as he approached Brutus. “He’s only a dog. He can be replaced - you can’t.”
“They wouldn’t have attacked me. They only wanted Brutus and the goats.” It was something that had been at the back of her mind all the time, but it wasn’t true. She had stood between the pack of wild dogs and what they wanted.
Josh grabbed the sack and pulled Brutus along. “It looked like they weren’t going to attack you, didn’t it?”
“Together they managed to get Brutus safely into the barn. He was in need of a veterinarian if he was going to live, and the closest one was nearly twenty miles away. Unless . . . did Alex spend the night with Katie? She started for the door.
“I’m going to call and see if Alex is at Katie’s.”
Josh stared at her.
“First you’d better call a veterinarian.”
She paused with one hand on the door.
“Alex is a veterinarian, and Katie lives less than five miles away. If he’s not there, I’ll call someone else.”
Without waiting for a response, she raced to the house and dialed Katie’s number with shaking hands. The ordeal over, she was going to pieces.
The phone rang four times before a sleepy male voice answered.
“Hello, Bill? Is Alex there?”
A pause. “This is Alex . . . Carmen?” The voice had lost its sleepy sound. He was wide-awake now.
“Yes, do you have your medical equipment with you?”
“Some. What’s wrong? Is one of the goats sick?”
Hearing his voice did something to hers. She struggled through a hiccup.
“Wild dogs. They attacked the herd. Brutus is torn up real bad. Could you come over here?”
“Wild dogs? Are you sure? Are you alright? Stay in the house and I’ll be right over. Don’t go out there.”
“It’s All right. Josh is here. He shot one of them and they ran off . . .” Too late, she realized what he would think. “He heard the noise and came down,” she added quickly.
He gave her a list of supplies to round up and said he would be there in a few minutes. By the time she found everything, he was driving into the yard. Josh glanced around from his sentry duty at the barn door when they came in.
Alex went straight to Brutus and examined him.
“Can you give me a hand? He’s going to need a lot of stitches, but other than that, I think he’s all right.”
They worked over Brutus for the better part of an hour and finally Alex leaned back and stretched.
“That should do it. You’ll need to keep an eye on him and make sure he has plenty of water. Don’t let him get up for a while.”
He put his things away and glanced up at Carmen.
“Do you want me to stay here tonight to watch him?”
She gazed into his eyes, wanting desperately to tell him to stay. Yet there was more at stake here than Brutus. Saying yes would be setting him up for further hurt. It would be encouraging him - indicating there was still a chance. Saying no would be telling him to get out and never come back. She should tell him no, but she couldn’t voice the word. If he was the wrong man, why did it feel so right?
Josh strolled across the room and glanced down at her - misreading her expression, as usual.
“I’ll stay. You can go on and get some rest.”
His words were like a sharp object puncturing a water balloon, and her words gushed out in a wave of uninhibited emotion.
“No, I want Alex to stay.”
Alex raised his brows in obvious surprise.
Josh was behind Alex, and he grinned at Carmen.
“Well, I know I’ll feel better knowing he’s here.”
His words were spoken with sarcasm, but not for the reason Alex probably thought. Josh wasn’t concerned about Alex making a pass at Carmen. He must have Lori at his place.
Josh left, not knowing what had come between them. Right now she wished she had someone to talk to, but she couldn’t share this with anyone but Alex and God - and God wasn’t listening.
They cleaned up the mess and then stood in awkward silence, watching Brutus. Finally Alex spoke.
“I changed my flights and I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m going to leave my truck here so you’ll have something to drive.”
“That isn’t necessary. I can . . .”
“It is necessary and I don’t want an argument. I’m going to be out of the country for a while, so I won’t need it. When I get back, we’ll discuss this thing again. I think we both need more time to consider what we want to do. It isn’t like we don’t love each other.” He gazed down at her inquiringly. “Is it?”
She met his gaze and felt drawn by the warmth. Unable to trust her voice, she merely shook her head.
A slight smile touched the corners of his mouth. “Then you agree to give it some more thought?”
She nodded and cleared the lump from her throat. “I’ve been praying and praying, but I don’t get an answer. I don’t know what to do.”
He tucked his thumbs in his hip pockets and turned away from her.
“When Tessa left me I prayed every night that she would come back. I was angry about what she had done, but I couldn’t let loose of her. Then I was angry with God for ignoring my prayers.”
He scraped the toe of his boot across the floor.
“It took me a couple of years to realize God had answered my prayer the first time. He said no.”
He lifted his gaze to her intent face. “I couldn’t see the future, so I thought there wasn’t one. I don’t want to waste any more time second-guessing God. He brought me to you for some reason. He made me love you for some reason. I can’t believe it was to make you unhappy.”
His words were like a ray of sunshine through the window on a cold winter morning. At first they only brightened her heart, but as they continued, they gradually chased the chill away. Was God sending her a message? Was she being greedy - insisting on having everything? Without Alex, she might never be truly happy. Without children she might never be truly happy. Must she choose? This very moment she would choose Alex - but what about twenty years from now, when it was too late to have children? Would she be sorry? Feel trapped? What if their marriage wasn’t successful and she lost both?
He held out his hand to her, and when she accepted it, he pulled her close in a comforting embrace.
“I’m not asking you to make a decision now. I’m asking you not to make a hasty decision. Think about it. Okay?”
She nodded. “Okay.”
It felt so safe and warm in his arms. He wasn’t demanding or pleading, he was reasoning with her. Believing in her ability to make a sound judgment and willing to accept her decision. With every day she knew him, he became more of a man. More of a friend she could trust.