On Wednesday afternoon James knocked off work a bit early. It was just such a lovely sunny day that he had decided to head down to the beach, and have a walk along the sand. In his new life work played it’s part, obviously, but he no longer wanted to sacrifice the living of his life just to be successful in his job. He felt that he wanted to spend more time experiencing life. Touching it. Feeling it on his skin. Now he wanted to dedicate himself to the living of life, not to just view it from an office. He wanted to return to the land of the living. He wanted to hold life in his arms, and embrace it. The magnificent spring sun was reflecting off the tranquil water of the sea. The sky was cloudless, and so blue it seemed to have been painted on. It was almost like the inspiration behind the painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Quite simply, Michelangelo had probably just walked outside, and looked to the sky for his inspiration. The beautiful sky was the Chapel of life. Walking along the seashore always made James feel relaxed. That was where he felt free from the chain’s of life. There he did his best thinking, about his personal affairs, but also when he was stuck with a project at work. There was just something about the majesty of the ocean, it’s immensity, the power it radiated. It always helped him put his problems into a better perspective. Things seemed to be easier to understand, and accept. He could reflect with some degree of detachment on life, and death. The golden sand underfoot felt soothing. He had removed his shoes, and the massaging effect of the sand on his feet was nice. As it was still too early in the season for swimming, he was almost alone there, something he preferred. He loved the enticing smells which wafted in on the afternoon breeze. He really was where he wanted to be. After all the tumult in his life in recent times, it was hard to believe he had finally achieved such a feeling of, if not tranquility, then ease. He was in a good place. He sat on the sand, and reflected on how his life was going. The days passed easily for James. He was quite happy in his new job. In any case, compared to the stress of his previous job this one was really quite easy. It was true he earned a lot less money, but living the simple life he now lived, on his own, his needs were few, and he got by well. Probably better than before. It certainly had been difficult, far more so than he had imagined. In the first few months after the separation, still living in the same town, things had been very grueling. It hadn’t taken him long to come to the conclusion that in order to make that sort of change it really meant that he needed to make a total change. A complete break from all of it. That was when things started to come right. Now, just over one year on, and a few months into his new living space, he was feeling a sense of peace. At work, as an architect, he was now just designing relatively simple buildings. Suburban housing, shopping malls, and the like. In his previous job he had been working on cutting edge architecture. Modernism that had always needed to make a statement. There had been endless conferences with clients who always needed something more elite, something more outstanding. Always more. More, more, and more. The designs that he, and the team he had worked with, had proposed, never seemed to have been quite good enough. Even when one of their projects was accepted, and built, it was hard to look at the completed structure without remembering the difficult road it had taken towards completion. The satisfaction of having made a good design was always tinged by the arduous process by which it had arrived at completion. When friends would compliment him on the beauty of one of his designs he would always feel a slight niggle, remembering the hard work, and endless complicated discussions that had gone into it’s fulfillment. On countless occasions he had needed to work late, to get a project in on time. Without a doubt It had been very satisfying when a project was accepted, and built, but the price to pay had been high. The personal price. Now, in his new job, the main concern was keeping costs down to a minimum, so in practical terms it was just a case of designing pretty basic buildings. Usually he would throw in some little details to sparkle up the designs, but it was definitely easy going. Easy going was good. Quite possibly he had been suffering from burn out in his job. Being a high flying, cutting edge architect sounded good on paper, but the reality had become something else. The pressure had been constantly on him to come up with brilliant ideas, never repeating the same design, always something new, and exciting. It had taken a toll. Quite possibly he had run out of new ideas. Without a doubt, his problems on the home front had affected his work and, on the other hand, the pressure at work had affected his private life. No doubt each had had an effect on the other, creating a time bomb which had exploded, blowing all aspects of his former life to pieces. Whatever had been the root cause of it all, he really couldn’t have been more at ease than he was, with his new job. He felt a sense of freedom, a feeling of weightlessness. Heavy loads had been lifted from his shoulders. He could now walk upright, instead of bowed over under the heavy weight. At some stage he would, in his own time, get back to designing more interesting, challenging, modern structures, but that would be in the future. For now he was content to just cruise along, let all the built up stress release from his body, and just enjoy the little things in life. Like reading. One of his great passions had always been reading, especially about history. For years he had hardly had any time to pick up a book, now he was literally devouring them. In the evenings he would hardly ever watch television, he would just keep up with the news. His evenings were almost totally dedicated to losing himself in some ancient culture, or reading about the complicated reasons behind famous historical events. In books he could get involved in the little details of history, rather than just the broad interpretations, which was what most people were only aware of. In some ways his love of the little details of history carried through into his work. Designing structures was really all about getting involved in the details. The little details, that was where life got interesting. After a pleasant afternoon of reflection, and having his sprit recharged by the spring sun, James returned to his flat. As soon as he walked in the door the phone started ringing. With a sense of foreboding he recognised Susan’s number.
‘Hello, Susan, how are you?’
His ex-wife wasn’t in any mood for pleasantries.
‘Just how long is it since you’ve been to Charlotte’s grave? The only flowers I ever see there are the ones I take. Have you just wiped her from your life, like you did with me?’
Susan was in a rage. Her voice was loud, and full of anger.
‘I don’t care for myself, but she was your daughter too. You do remember her, don’t you?’
James felt a knife cut deep into his stomach.
‘You know that’s not true. How can you say that? You know how much I loved Charlie.’
Susan’s anger was palpable, and she was on a roll.
‘Her name was Charlotte, not fucking Charlie! I’ve always hated it when you called her that. At least get her name right, you piece of shit! Four years on, and you have just totally forgotten about her. You arsehole! How could you do that to her? How could you just forget her so easily?’
Susan was crying through her anger. James felt hurt, deeply hurt.
‘You know that that’s not true. She will always....’
‘Oh, go to hell, you bastard!’
The line went dead. In a silent rage, James started to call Susan’s number, but before the phone had even started ringing, he felt the anger that had been building inside him start to subside. He slammed the phone down. Although he was hurt and angry, he knew that Susan hadn’t really meant any of that. She was just trying to find her way through the pain, same as he was. How could you find that path after losing your daughter so unexpectedly? Could you ever find that path? Charlie hadn’t even been four years old when she had died. If nothing else, at least she had died peacefully, in her sleep. If there was any solace to be found, it was in that. She hadn’t suffered. A congenital heart defect had taken her away, in the middle of the night. In the quiet of the darkness, angels had descended, and had lifted her on high. All that had been left in her wake was two people silently passing each other, in empty, quiet corridors. Two ghostly figures living in the same space, but almost never seeing each other. Each one seemingly living in a different dimension. Dimensions created by the void that Charlie had left. A black hole that had sucked all the life out of the two of them, and left them lifeless, incapable of communication. Oddly enough, thought James, this had been the most they had talked, really talked, in years. After Charlie’s death they had gone through the motions, continuing with life as best they could, pretending to still be alive. They would go shopping for new curtains, and the like, as if new curtains would somehow make a difference in the emptiness of their house, the emptiness of their souls. James had hated that. It had all seemed so pointless. So futile. He didn’t even know if the curtains in his new flat were nice or not, and he didn’t care. They would remain as they were. Life had to have more significance that just changing curtains. Somehow, or other, the two of them had managed to carry on their empty, barren marriage for a few years after Charlie’s death. Probably just out of habit. Eventually James had come to the realisation that the life they were living wasn’t a life, and that the life they had wanted was nowhere to be found, nor would it ever be. Without the magical presence of Charlie, the square pegs just didn’t fit into the round holes anymore. The only logical solution, for both of them, had been to separate, and to try to find a way ahead, without the constant reminder of the loss that each of them had on the other. Together they would never be able to find that path. Alone, it would be hard enough, if it was even possible.
Luckily, considering the mood Susan had put him in, later on that evening Dave called him. It was just what he needed.
‘Hey, Jimmy boy, who are things? Is your week going well? I am just up to my neck in it. Penny has come down with the flu, so Maureen is just out of her head with worry. She’s already taken her to the doctor, and she’s consulted just about every website she could find. At one stage she was convinced that Penny had the bubonic plague, or some such thing. Man, she really goes crazy when Penny has something.’
It was just the medicine James had required. A dose of Dave. As usual, when he most had need of his friend, Dave was there. His pillar, helping him to bear life’s heavy burdens.
‘I’m sorry to hear....’
‘Do you remember when we were kids? Having the flu wasn’t even a good enough reason for not going to school. If you weren’t at death’s door you wouldn’t even see a doctor. Now, as soon as some kid sneezes the whole school is on lock down. It’s a crazy world, my friend.’
As usual, talking with Dave was more about listening, rather than actually talking. James was used to that, and always enjoyed Dave’s humorous take on life. He loved chatting with his friend.
‘I tried to remind Maureen how it was with all of us, her included, but there’s no way of getting through to her. What was that you were telling me once about the immune system? How it needs to be stimulated, or something?’
Thank God, thought James. Thank Dave. His mood returned to the place he had found that afternoon.
‘Yes, that’s right, countless studies have shown that getting sick when you are young is actually a natural way of building up your body’s natural defences. The sickness triggers the growth of antibodies, and that makes you more resistant in the future.’
‘Good one, Jimmy, I’m going to get some websites ready along those lines, and see if I can’t reason with the mother of all mothers. Hopefully she won’t be able to dispute science. But I wouldn’t bet on it.’
‘Hey, you know what? There’s a very interesting fact along those lines. Actually getting worms when you are a child is probably the most important trigger of all, for your body’s immune system. We always used to play out in the fields, so just through contact with the dirt we all had them, at one point or another. Apparently you should make sure your child gets worms. It’s considered very important for their future resistance. Almost indispensable.’
James could hear his friend chuckling over the phone.
‘Jimmy, now you’re killing me. If you think Maureen is going to buy into that one, you are living on another planet. Penny will never be in contact with dirt, or any other germ bearing, bacteria laden substance, in her life. Not if my wife has anything to do with it, anyway. Actually, I remember having worms as well. No one thought any big deal about it back then. It was just part of the normal process of growing up. So you really reckon that’s important? I’m going to look that up, and maybe try and get Penny out at risk of worms, when the guardian of all things Penny isn’t on surveillance duty. I would have to sneak Penny out of her sterile jail cell while the guards are sleeping, but if you reckon it’s that important?’
‘Yeah, they do say it’s a big one, for the immune system. Any form of contact with dirt, playing games or whatever, should do it. Hey, you want a laugh? It was easy for me. My bloody big brother really took me for a ride, although, looking back on it, he probably did me a favour really, not that that was his intention, of course. When I was about six years old he told me that I should eat some dirt, every day, and then I would grow up to be a super hero, like Superman! Man, he used to really put me through the meat grinder that prick. Mind you, in the end, he probably wasn’t totally wrong, even though that wasn’t his aim! The bastard! He definitely got the worms into me, that one. Just do me a favour, will you? Don’t tell Maureen that I’m behind this theory!’
Dave absolutely roared with laughter.
‘Typical, when the going gets tough, the weak-kneed buckle. Hey, I thought I could rely on you, my man.’
‘Dave, I would walk through fire for you, but taking on Maureen when she is on a Penelope crusade, well, that takes an amount of courage than no man possesses.’
They both laughed freely.
‘Yes, I forgive you, brother. The man with that amount of courage hasn’t been born yet. Anyway, onto more pressing things. Lucy!’
James had known from the start that they would eventually end up there. When Dave had something on his mind he was like a dog with a bone. He just couldn’t let it go. Unless, that was, the other participant in the debate was his wife. Dave had long since learnt that he would never be able to get his way with her. Especially when it involved their only child, Penelope. With other people, including James, there was no stopping him.
‘Well, Jimmy, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it over this Friday evening, what with Penny’s imminent death, and a couple of other things, I’m going to be stuck here. But you, take the bull by the horns, man, get out there. Are you going to go back to that bar, or are you going to whimp out?’
‘Come on, Dave, you know where I stand on this. Plus, it’s not whimping out. I’m just not ready for another relationship.’
‘Yeah, no surprises there. I knew that if I didn’t make it over, and literally drag you by the ear, there would be no way you would go back. What is it with you? Who’s talking about a relationship? Go out for a dew dates, take her to bed, have some sex, see how it all goes. You can decide whether to fly with it later. First you have to take a car for a test drive, before deciding if it’s the right one for you. Just because you go out for a few dates doesn’t mean you have to bloody marry her. Anyway, I will definitely get over the week after, and if I have to, I will drag you back there, kicking and screaming, you hear me?’
‘Loud and clear, boss. Anyway, we’ll talk about that next week.’
‘Good strategy, Jimmy, put me off, one week at a time! Yeah, what a surprise.’
This brought chuckles from them both. In point of fact, that actually had been James’s proposed strategy. He knew that he couldn’t take on Dave head on, so he would have to chip away at the edges. That was what James loved so much, about their friendship. They knew each other so well, that they both knew what the other was thinking. They were both very different types of people, but somehow or other, they ended up complementing each other. That which one lacked, the other would make up for, and vice versa. Dave really had been his rock, over the last years. He always liked listening to his advice, even though in the end he would always decide for himself, that which was the better path for him to follow. Nonetheless, It was great to have someone in your life to bounce around ideas with, even though in the end the final decision was your own. James knew where he was at in his life, and how he wanted to play it going forward.
When Friday evening rolled around, James picked up a pizza, and a couple of cans of cold beer, and drove over to Green Meadows cemetery. In the flush of spring, the whole place was bursting with new, green growth. Different shades of green surrounded the gravestones. It was a place of incredible beauty. It had become one of James’s favourite places. He sat on the grass in front of Charlie’s grave, and ate his cold pizza, all the time chatting with her. He loved telling her about his week, and how he was feeling. Charlie was really the only person he could really open up his soul to. With her he could talk about everything. As usual there were lovely fresh flowers adorning her grave. Susan’s flowers. They didn’t make him feel guilty, or as if in some way he wasn’t doing that which was expected of him. That was Susan’s way. His way was different.
‘Don’t worry, little angel, I’m not angry with mum. Sometimes we just need to find someone to blame, even when there is no one to blame. You were called away, I don’t know why. I guess other people needed you more than we did. Wherever you are I know you are bringing joy into the hearts of everyone around you, just like you did with us. Don’t let my tears make you sad, it’s just that daddy misses you so much.’
James wiped the tears from his face, and looked at the sunny blue sky.
‘You know, little angel, I think I will have my first swim of the season this weekend. The water will still be cold, but don’t worry, I’m tough!’
Further tears flowed as James realised that he would never be able to teach his Charlie to swim. The path through his pain seemed endless. Would he ever be able to find his way back? Was there even any reason to look for that way back? James sat there in silence. His sense of loss was overwhelming.
---------
Lucy was on a constant high. She felt so good. She felt a warmth in her body, and a sense of tranquility that she had never felt before, in her life. The days of the week seemed to just fly by for her. Even her colleagues at work, who usually didn’t take much interest in her, noticed that something was going on with her. In answer to their comments that she seemed different, happier, she remained noncomittal. She didn’t at all consider them to be friends, so she didn’t have any intention of telling them about her meeting with James. In any case where she worked was a real hive of gossip mongers, so she didn’t want to give them any information that could be misconstrued, churned over, or changed into something more than what it was. She enjoyed her job as a secretary for a private medical facility. On the negative side, the vast proportion of people working there were older females, and they had really established a sort of clique based on who could recount the most interesting gossip. Lucy knew that it was mostly all exaggerated, if not even totally invented, and she always tried to lessen her part in the ongoing rumours. No doubt there were already plenty of stories about her doing the rounds, but she was certainly not going to fuel the flames by giving away anything about how she felt about James. Since she had been there, she had always kept herself to herself, being as she was a very reserved person, and she had no intentions of changing that. As yet she hadn’t even mentioned James to her aunty, not that she would have been terribly interested anyway. For now she would just keep her feelings to herself, and, of course, with her two best friends. She knew she could rely on Emma and Vicky to keep her private affairs to themselves. They weren’t, by any means, reserved like her, but they understood how she felt about these things, and they could be trusted to keep her private matters out of the public domain. She doubted that they had even told their husbands, not that they would have cared much anyway. Lucy was so looking forward to Friday evening, and seeing James again. She knew she would have to open up a bit more, and had spent the week trying to prepare some discussion points. She knew that she wasn’t really very good at talking with people, but she really wanted to engage James in some interesting discussions, so she had been planning what she could talk about with him. It all made her feel slightly nervous, but at the same time she was just absolutely filled with joy. She could see the two of them, sitting side by side, chatting away. Maybe he would touch her, gently, on the shoulder, to emphasise some point in the discussion, and they would smile at each other. She could already see it all. Her two friends had, as usual, been very busy all week so, apart from exchanging some fairly casual messages, she hadn’t had a chance to talk with them. Luckily, on Thursday evening, Vicky had time for a telephone chat.
‘I can’t tell you how much easier my life is now that Abigail is enjoying going to school. My God! All the drama we went through to get over that. I don’t think she will ever be leaving home, that one. We might be stuck with her in the house forever!’
‘Don’t be silly, Vicky, it’s a bit step for a little girl. Out into the big world, for the first time. Anyway, you never know how these things will turn out. She may end up being a really outgoing type, who will end up heading off to New York, or who knows where? Then you will be wishing she was more of a stay at home girl.’
Vicky laughed.
‘Yes, you’re right. I should be careful what I wish for. Anyway, I’m definitely free for tomorrow evening. So is Emma, I heard from her this afternoon. Hey, I really hope James turns up.’
Lucy felt a coldness pass through her body.
‘What do you mean? I thought it was all arranged, that he was coming.’
‘Well, not really. We sort of said we would be there, and invited them along. His friend Dave said that he might not be able to make it, but that James would. James himself, didn’t really say anything, either way.’
A spear of sadness cut through Lucy. After all her dreams, and hopes, how could it be possible? He had seemed so right for her. Could it really be that, even now, after finally meeting the right person, her life was just going to continue on as empty, and lonely, as before? She just couldn’t bear the thought of it.
‘Lucy? Are you there?’
‘Yes, of course. I’m sorry. It’s just, I had thought that it was all arranged. I’ve been looking forward to seeing him all week. You think maybe he won’t be coming?’
‘Well, I’m not sure. I hope so. Oh Lucy, I’m so sorry. I thought you had understood. It was more of a loose commitment, rather than a definite plan. You really like him, don’t you?’
‘I’ve been thinking about him all week. He just seems like the right person for me. I’ve never met anyone who I have liked so much, straight away.’
‘He really is lovely. You would definitely make a good match. Listen, Lucy, please don’t get your hopes up too much. Anyway, tomorrow we will see if he turns up. Remember, Dave might not be coming so maybe James will wait until his friend is available. He might find it difficult to take on a pack of judgmental girls, like us, on his own. He might be afraid that we would cut him to pieces. Not many men can take on three women by themselves.’
Vicky tried to downplay expectations. She hadn’t realised just how much her friend had her heart set on seeing James again. She knew that under her brave face Lucy was really quite sad. They never spoke about it, but having known her for so long, she could just tell.
‘Besides, Lucy, if he doesn’t turn up tomorrow, he knows that we always go there. He may pop along another time. Maybe he doesn’t want to rush into things. Don’t get your hopes up too high. It doesn’t mean anything if he’s not there tomorrow.’
Vicky knew that she needed to put in an emergency call to Emma, to prime her for the next evening. Neither of them had understood just how much it had meant for Lucy to have met James. Besides, they hadn’t even really spoken to each other that much. If he was there, they would do back up, and help things along for their shy friend. If he wasn’t, they would go into support mode, and downplay the whole thing.
‘Sure,’ sighed Lucy, the sadness apparent in her voice, ‘anyway, I will see you tomorrow.’
As she hung up the phone, Lucy could feel the sense of desolation growing in her. How was it possible that things just never turned out right for her? What was wrong with her? After all her high expectations, she now found out that nothing had actually been planned, as she had thought. Part of her felt like crying, but another part of her refused to believe that James hadn’t felt the same as her. Surely he had felt the same chemistry? She just couldn’t have imagined that. Suddenly Friday evening was looming for her as a do or die situation. If James was there, her life would finally change for the better. She could end her life of loneliness and sorrow, and finally start to lead a happy, fulfilled life. If he wasn’t there, she just didn’t know what she would do. At her age she knew she was running out of time. The thought of growing old on her own, never feeling the warm embrace of someone who loved her, left her feeling so utterly sad. For how long could she carry on, pretending in front of the world that her life was fine? For how much longer could she hold it all together? Eventually she would reach breaking point, and then what would happen? Was she heading towards the life of her aunty? Would gardening shortly start to play a big role in her life? With televisions and radios blaring out in the background, blocking out the sounds of her quiet screams. The presence of a cat in her life was looming larger, and larger. Then she would put a sign over her door. ‘Single woman with cat. Don’t even think about it.’ Maybe she would talk to her cat, and the cat would look back at her, and wonder who she was, and what the hell she was talking about. Without a doubt, even her cat would eventually feel sorry for her, and wonder how it was that she had ended up with such a desolate life. Probably out of desperation her cat would eventually run away, and look for a happier family to be a part of. She went to bed early, and cried quietly to herself, until she finally fell asleep. The next day passed in a sort of daze for Lucy. She couldn’t concentrate on anything, and just seemed to drift through things. Friday evening had grown, in her mind, into a sort of date with destiny. It had seemed to have become an all or nothing scenario, a real turning point in her life. All, or nothing.
On Friday evening Lucy prepared herself cosmetically, and also tried to prepare herself emotionally, for the evening out. She didn’t know what to think anymore. The evening had taken on an air of being almost the final showdown of her life. Strangely, when Lucy arrived at the bar her friends were both already there. That never happened, she was always the first one to arrive. Lucy took that as yet another bad sign. She took that to mean that neither of them thought that James was going to show. Through the last working day of the week she had tried her best to stay optimistic. There was still a good chance that she would meet James that evening. She had tried to forced herself to remain positive. Even though the doubts were hovering above her head, waiting to come crashing down. Both her friends perked up when they saw her.
‘Hey, you! You’re looking lovely.’ said Vicky.
Emma jumped up, and gave her a big hug.
‘My sweet little friend, Vicky told me how much you are looking forward to seeing James tonight. Liste