Chapter 6 – Jake is Growing Up
July 1990 –
Jake doesn’t like it when I go into his room. I don’t know why. All I want to do is sit in there and watch him listen to his music or play on his telly. When he was smaller, he used to let me in his room. He used to let me sit on his bed and read his books. He would talk to me and make me laugh. The bigger he got, the angrier he got when I tried to get in.
(I tore another page from the big, hard book and put it in my mouth.)
He used to take me into his room and show me his footie stuff. He had a whole wall covered in loads of footie pictures. He used to point to different pictures and tell me about them. I used to really like that. It made me feel as if he really liked me. Now he gives me looks if I even go near his room.
(I put down the book and reached under Jake’s bed. Underneath are loads of comics with pictures of ladies on the front. I took one and stared at the picture on the cover.)
He hasn’t let me anywhere near his room ever since we came to Adinna. He just shouts at me and tells me he doesn’t want me. He lets the babbobs go in there and he lets Mum go in there. He even lets Joss go in there. But she doesn’t usually want to go in there. She’s too sad to want to go in anyone’s room at the moment.
(I ripped a page from the comic, screwed it up, and threw it out of Jake’s window.)
When Jake was really little, we used to sleep in the same room. He really liked me back then. If he couldn’t sleep very well, he would come over to me and talk to me. I would push him away and pretend I wanted to sleep, but I used to really look forward to bed-time, just so Jake would come and talk me to sleep. In our old home, when Jake was in trouble all the time and the nee-naw man would visit him, Jake would take me to his room and cry. He would talk to me, and then cry, and then he would talk to me again. That made me feel good. I thought that if he was sad, then I was the only person he wanted to be with. But he would then go off and get into trouble again. Adinna has been different. Almost from the first day we were here he shouted at me for going near his room. He stopped talking to me and he stopped crying to me. When we go out, he walks way in front of me. He used to hold my hand and talk to me on walks. He doesn’t get into trouble anymore. The nee-naw men never come to see him. They came to see Joss the other day. She cried.
(I ripped another page from the comic and chewed it up until it was small enough to put up my nose. I put it up my nose and laughed.)
He doesn’t get angry with anybody now apart from me. In our old home, he would get angry with everybody except for me. He would shout at everybody and try to hit people. But he was always nice to me. In Adinna he shouts at me, but is nice to everyone else. He shouts at me loudest if I go into his room. I don’t know why. He just sits there with his music playing. He just stares at the wall or plays on the telly. He’s got boring.
I like to get him into trouble. When Dad shouts at him it really makes me laugh. It worries me a little bit as well. I always try to get Jake into trouble. It used to be easy. Even though I really liked him and he was really nice to me, I still laughed loads whenever Dad shouted at him. But Dad doesn’t shout at him as much. Nobody shouts at Jake as much as they used to. Joss shouts at him more – but she shouts at everyone.
(I got bored with the comic so I threw it out of the window. I knocked over loads of stuff on Jake’s shelf so I could get one of his Beano books.)
We play a game now. When he first started to shout at me for going in his room, I would get angry and bite him. That just made him cry and Mum would shout at me. I didn’t like that. One day I didn’t bite him – I just pushed all his stuff off the shelf. That made him really angry, like Dad but not scary. Getting Jake angry made me laugh. I laid on my bed and laughed for ages because Jake had got angry but not scary. I decided that that would make a good game. Rather than trying to get into his room so I could sit with him, I started trying to get into his room so I could push his stuff off the shelf. That’s all I do now.
(I looked down at the floor – there was paper everywhere. I picked some up and put it in my mouth and up my nose.)
He locks his room now. A little while ago, just after Dennaben disappeared, he screwed a lock on his door. That made me laugh. I was getting a little bored of just creeping in there and pushing his stuff off the shelf. By putting the lock on the door he made the game a bit more fun. I worked out how to open the locked door after only a day of trying. I started playing a new game after that – going into his room when he wasn't there and moving one thing or pushing over one thing. Sometimes he knows that I’ve done it; other times he doesn’t. Either way it makes me laugh. I always win the game. Jake always loses.
As Jake has got bigger, he’s liked me less. When he was little he would bring all his friends home and get me to play with them. He wouldn’t bring people home who didn’t like me. When we went for walks, he would walk with me and shout at people who gave me funny looks. Mum would shout at him for that. He doesn’t do that anymore. He hates his friends seeing me. A little while ago, before Dennaben came to visit, I was walking in the park with Robboaw. It was a hot day and I was eating an arshee. We walked over a bridge and I saw Jake sitting on a bench with his friends. I looked at him and said ‘alloaw’. He looked away and talked to his friends. He didn’t even look at me. I hated that. If he’d been smaller he would have run over to me and hugged me. Robboaw didn’t say anything to him – he’s never met him. I felt really bad after that. I’ve always liked Jake. Even when he shouted at me, I liked him. I didn’t like him after that. We play the game with his room and he shouts at me for no reason. I like that. That’s just the way it is. I always thought that even though he shouted at me he still liked me. But after that day in the park I don’t like him anymore. I didn’t think that was fair. Even Joss wouldn’t do a thing like that. I felt like he didn’t want anybody to know who I was. It wasn't fair.
(I spat the piece of soggy piece of paper on to the floor and picked up another book – a really shiny book.)
Mum hasn’t been at home for a while. I don’t know why. It’s not nice when Mum’s not here. Everything feels different. Everybody acts differently. It’s loads quieter than normal. Dad just sits in the chair by the telly all day. Jake is too afraid to come out of his room. Joss sits with Dad, watching the telly and not saying much. The whole place seems sad. Nobody really laughs or smiles. The food doesn’t taste very nice. I don’t get as many Pom-Pom Parlars as normal. Dad takes me to Arvoom, but doesn’t really talk to me on the way. It’s really boring. At night we just sit around getting bored. Dad doesn’t go out at night, but he doesn’t smile or talk either. He just sits there.
Jake does more to our home when Mum’s not there. He makes the dinnaows and makes me my Pom-Pom Parlars. He’s a little bit nicer to me. But he still doesn’t let me go in his room.
“Adam! What the hell are you doing?” shouted Jake.
I looked down at all the paper I’d ripped from Jake’s books and laughed.
“You’ve ruined all my Beano annuals, you little bastard,” shouted Jake.
“Jake,” shouted Dad. He was still in bed. “Don’t swear at your brother.”
I ran out of Jake’s room laughing. On the way I pushed his stuff off the shelf (he always puts the same stuff near the door). I normally open the door just a little bit so he can’t see me, and push it off and then I run. That way he doesn’t see me and I don’t have to go in his room. He shouts at me and I’m not even in his room. I laugh loads when I do that.
I ran into my room and closed the door, laughing and smacking my arse.
Morning Watch –
I still hadn’t had a bath; I hadn’t even eaten my breakfast. If Mum had been at home, then everything would’ve been normal. I don’t like it when Mum’s not at home. My days are different. Everything happens in the wrong order. I get up before everyone else and wait for someone to come and help me. If Dad helps me, I have to wait for him to get out of bed. It’s not as much fun and he doesn’t smile as much. Mum always makes me feel better in the morning because she smiles and talks to me. Dad doesn’t. He gets grumpy and moans at me. The more he moans, the more worried I get.
I miss my Mum when she’s not there. I sometimes wonder if she’s ever going to come home. I’m not sure how I’d feel if she was never at home. Nobody would ever smile at me. Nobody would ever be nice to me. All my dinnaows and all my Pom-Pom Parlars would taste funny. Nobody would hug me or kiss me. Nobody would ever come and visit. It would be horrible. Dad would get me ready every morning. He would be grumpy all the time. When Mum’s around, he doesn’t get grumpy as much. He moans more but he’s not as grumpy.
I wonder how Jake would be if Mum decided never to come home. He does more stuff in the house. Maybe he would become my new Mum. Joss doesn’t make the dinnaows or wash the clothes. I don’t think Dad knows how to. Maybe Jake would do all the work. I don’t think he would smile as much as Mum in the mornings. He might let me go into his room more. I wonder if he would wear Mum’s clothes and grow his hair as long as Mum’s. He would look funny. Thinking about Jake dressed up like Mum made me laugh.
He’d have to shout at Joss in same way as Mum. He couldn’t do that. He’s scared of Joss. She only has to look at him and he gets scared. He’s scared of Dad as well. The only person he’s not scared of is me. Maybe that’s why he shouts at me all the time – because he’s so scared of everyone else that he has to save up all his anger and get rid of it all on me.
Jake shouted, slammed his door, and went downstairs. I don’t think he can be my new Mum. My Mum doesn’t slam doors and walk off. She makes everyone laugh when stuff goes wrong. Everyone would’ve been out of bed anyway. She would have made sure that everybody had got out of bed ages before. I decided that the best thing to do was to hope that Mum did come home. She’d come home before. I didn’t want Jake to be my new Mum.
“Jocelyn?” said Dad from his bed.
“No. I’m asleep,” said Joss from her bed.
Everybody talks differently when Mum’s not at home. Everyone is quieter. Everybody takes longer in-between speaking. Nobody talks to me. I feel more alone when she’s not around. People still do stuff for me, but I don’t think that they really want to. I get this funny feeling in my belly as if I’m going to cry. It’s not so much that I miss her; it’s more the way I feel when she’s here. I don’t really feel part of the family when she’s not here.
There was a god /an underwater god who controlled the sea.
The music coming from Joss’ room was really loud. I could hear Dad shouting at her. That wouldn’t have happened if Mum had been home. If Mum had been home, I wouldn’t have even been at home. She would’ve either taken me to Arvoom or taken me for a long walk. It was really sunny outside. Adinna looked so bright – I could see everything for miles.
Got killed by ten million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey.
I hadn’t even had my Pom-Pom Parlar. I could wait for breakfast but my Pom-Pom Parlar was really important. I could feel my belly going funny and my throat went all dry. I tear fell from my eye. I wanted my Mum so much. Everyone ignored me. Except Jake. I’d rather be shouted at than ignored. I went into Dad’s room and pulled the covers from his bed.
This monkey’s gone to heaven.
“What’s the matter, Dad?” said Joss.
Dad stopped moaning after a while and took me for a walk in Adinna. I felt much better being outside where it was warm and sunny. I tried to hold Dad’s hand but he wouldn’t let me. I didn’t mind too much. I ran ahead and found my gateway for Watching. Joss walked behind Dad with a little white cigar in her mouth. I stood in the gateway and saw Jake playing footie with the babbobs. When I was young, Jake used to let me play footie with him. It was quite boring, actually, but I tried to enjoy it. He doesn’t do it anymore. He never plays with me anymore. I jumped over the gate and ran over to Jake. He saw me running towards him and started to shake his head. I wondered if he might want me to play with him like I did when we were smaller. That would’ve been quite fun. Even if he didn’t want to play with me, I decided it would be fun seeing him get angry.
I laughed and pointed at the footie ball. I wanted to play with them – I really wanted to play a game with Jake and the babbobs. I normally just laugh at the babbobs and try to hug them so that Jake gets annoyed, but I thought that for once it would be nice to play with them. I said ‘tomorrow’, smiled and pointed at the footie ball. I hoped that Jake would understand what I wanted.
"Adam," said Jake, "just go away."
He waved his hand as if he wanted me to go away. I didn’t like that. He didn’t want me to play with him and the babbobs, so I hugged one of the babbobs. I did it because I knew that Jake would get annoyed. If I couldn’t play with Jake then I wanted to get him annoyed.
The babbobs just smiled and looked at the floor. I laughed. Jake was just standing next to me with the footie ball – he looked really angry. I laughed even more when I saw how angry he was.
I ran back over to Dad laughing and shaking my head, shouting ‘alloaw’ and slapping my arse. I always have fun when Jake’s around. I would’ve enjoyed it more if Jake had been nice to me and let me play footie with him. Even though I laugh when he gets angry, I wish that sometimes he would just be nice and play with me. Until then, I’ll just carry on annoying him.
It was strange being out on a walk without Mum. It was even more strange being on a walk without the dog. The dog hasn’t been here for a while – ever since it chased after the man on the motorbike, jumped up at him and pushed him off. I was the only one who laughed. Everybody else was really worried. The day after that, Dad took the dog for a drive in the car and I haven’t seen it since. I don’t mind too much. I didn’t like the dog much at all. Still, it’s strange not having the dog around. I’m used to Mum going away. But not the dog. The squeaky, sulky dog.
Boring Watch –
It wasn’t long before I was getting bored again. Dad had taken me home and had gone back to sitting in the living room watching the telly. Jake stayed out with the babbobs for ages. Joss just sat in the living room with Dad or went into her room to listen to music.
I don’t like going for a Watch just because there’s nothing else to do. If I go for a Watch, it’s because I either want to or I need to. I had to go for my Watch after the walk because there was simply nothing else to do. I didn’t like that. If Mum’s away then Dad should do more for me if I’m bored – that’s what he’s supposed to do. If Mum can do it, then so can he.
Jake finally came home after being with babbobs. I could hear music coming from his room.
Love’s got the world in motion...
I walked to his door and stood outside his room, listening. I smiled as I thought about going in and pushing his stuff off the shelf.
…and I can’t believe it’s true - “…and I can’t believe it’s true.”
Jake was singing. He was singing the same words as the music. His voice sounded all wobbly and loud. I smiled and pushed the door open a tiny bit and looked in. He stood in front of his mirror, holding a hairbrush to his mouth. His eyes were shut and he was shouting the words. He looked really funny. I watched him for a bit, not knowing whether to laugh or not.
"We’re playing for England. ENG – ER – LAND!"
I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"What are you doing, Ad?" whispered Joss.
I smiled at Joss and carried on looking at Jake. Joss leant on my shoulders and looked at Jake. I could feel her arms shaking – I think she was laughing. That was the first time Joss has touched me or laughed with me since before Dennaben had come to visit.
Jake was now dancing round the room with his hairbrush and jumping on the bed. He didn’t have any trousers on.
"Love’s got the world in motion and I can’t believe it’s true!"
Jake was really shouting and singing loudly. Joss was laughing loads and, in the end, I couldn’t help but laugh. Jake looked over and saw us.
"What are you doing?" said Jake. His face went really red. He jumped off the bed and slammed the hairbrush down on his desk. "Can’t you just fuck the fuck off for five minutes?"
I laughed and pushed the stuff off Jake’s shelf. Jake stared at all his books lying on the floor and said nothing for ages. Finally, he looked at his hairbrush, then looked over at me and Joss, and said. "Adam, will you please, please just leave me alone?”
"Calm down, Bernie," said Joss. "Keep your knickers on."
Before Tea Watch –
Jake was cooking the dinnaow again. Dad never cooked. Joss did it now and again. I don’t know why Jake does the cooking when Mum’s not here – the food doesn’t taste very nice. I thought about going into Jake’s room again, but I’d become a little bored with the game. I was bored with everything. I walked downstairs and went to sit with Dad and Joss, who were watching the telly.
“How long to go now?” said Joss.
“About half an hour,” said Dad.
“Nervous?” said Joss.
“Not really,” said Dad.
That was even more boring that sitting in my room. I wandered into the kitchen to see Jake. He was taking the plates out of the cupboard. I rubbed my teeth and pointed at the Pom-Pom Parlar maker. He ignored me, so I just stayed with him for a while and watched him cooking the food. It was really strange seeing Jake do what Mum normally does. It didn’t fit him properly. Mum could make the dinnaow, smile and make Pom-Pom Parlars all at the same time. Jake was finding it hard just making the dinnaow. He kept dropping things and burning his fingers. He was trying to talk to me as well.
“This stupid Rayburn,” said Jake.
It was nice just standing in the kitchen and listening to Jake talk to me. I blew him some kisses. I didn’t understand his words, but I could tell that he was being nice to me. For once.
After a while he stopped talking and just looked at me. I said ‘dinnaow’ really quietly and rubbed my teeth. I was trying to tell him that I was hungry. I also wanted him to know that I liked it when he talked to me. Even though I laugh when I get him annoyed, I still want to just talk to him sometimes. I want to have fun with him, but I also want to be normal with him. I gave him a hug. He didn’t push me away and he didn’t say anything – he just hugged me back. It was really nice.
“Squeeze the shit out of me then.”
We hugged for a little while until I got bored. I pushed him away and pointed to the plates on the table. I wanted him to finish the dinnaow – I was hungry. He smiled and got on with making the dinnaow and I went back to the living room to see what Dad and Joss were doing. They were still just sitting there watching the telly. I knew that dinnaow wouldn’t be long, so I sat down with them.
After ages of sitting in the living room, Jake finally finished cooking dinnaow. He brought in all the plates with the food and put them on our laps. That worried me. He’d been doing that ever since Mum had been away. Why weren’t we eating at the table like normal? I couldn’t understand why it was OK to eat our dinnaow in the living room. It didn’t feel right. The food didn’t taste as nice. Everyone else just ate their dinnaow and stared at the telly. I took my plate back to the table (where it should be) and ate my dinnaow there. It tasted much nicer. It felt strange eating away from everybody else, so I just pretended it was breakfast. That felt better.
After I’d finished, I got everyone’s plate and took them all into the kitchen. Nobody else was going to do it. I hate it when there are loads of dirty plates all over the place. They should always be in the kitchen.
Jake and Dad were getting really excited. I could tell by the way Jake’s eyes were open really wide and Dad kept asking everybody if they were alright. I sat back down in the living room and looked at the telly. The footie was on. Jake and Dad had been watching the footie for ages. They kept getting really excited and shouted loads when it was on. I don’t know why. Joss and Mum stayed away normally, but this time Joss was sitting there as well.
"So who are England playing today?" said Joss.
"West Germany," said Dad. "It’s the semi-final. You alright Jake?"
"Yeah," said Jake. “Waddle will score. I’ll bet you anything.”
I enjoyed watching the footie with Jake and Dad. I felt as if we were doing something together. I don’t know what makes them get excited when they do. They just start shouting stuff like ‘Platt’ and ‘Gazza’, and throwing their arms about. It makes me laugh and shake my head. Jake even hugged me the other day, after shouting ‘Platt’ over and over again.
"They’re coming out," said Dad.
"Yeah," said Jake.
"So which colours are we playing in?" said Joss.
"England are in white and West Germany are in green," said Dad.
"Right. Right," said Joss. "And where is it?"
"Italy," said Dad.
"Yeah, I know. Hence Italia ‘90. Which part of Italy?" said Joss.
"Turin," said Jake.
I laughed. It was really funny. Dad and Jake were really excited about the footie and looked as if they wanted to get angry. Joss didn’t really care I don’t think. She was talking to them when they didn’t want her to. She kept winking at me. When they talked back to her, they didn’t stop looking at the telly.
The men on the telly started to play footie. Dad and Jake shouted a bit, then went quiet, then groaned and threw themselves back in their chairs. Joss didn’t say much. She just sat watching the footie with a little smile on her face. After a while, Dad and Jake didn’t say anything at all. They just watched the telly with worried looks on their faces. They almost looked as if they were angry. Every now and again they’d make a noise and throw their arms in the air and say something like, ‘God that was close’, or ‘I told you Parker was shit’. I didn’t understand it at all, but it felt nice sitting in the living room with everyone.
Mum came in through the front door.
“Hello everyone,” said Mum. “Ooh. Is the football on?”
Everyone looked up and said hello, but nobody got up from their chair. She was carrying all her bags and was out of breath. I jumped out my chair and ran over to her and gave her a big hug. I’d missed her so much. She was talking and hugging me and kissing me. I kept pulling at her bags and pulling at her face. I wanted her to take her coat off just so she wouldn’t go out again. I was so excited that she’d come home.
She walked to the kitchen and made me a Pom-Pom Parlar. It tasted so nice.
“Good to see they’ve kept the house nice and tidy,” she said with a frown.
I took my Pom-Pom Parlar and went with Mum back into the living room. As we walked in Jake walked out – he looked really upset.
“Bloody Paul Parker,” said Dad. “I said so right from the start.”
“Well that’s not very attacking, is it?” said Joss.
I felt a lot better now that Mum was home. Dad and Joss seemed a bit nicer, and I knew that everything would be OK. The whole room seemed strange – even though they were sitting in the same places and doing the same things as when Mum was away. Now that she was back, they looked better. It felt as if